feel a bit upset tonight not been well today with a bad cold however my hubby has gone to a northern soul doo it is on till 7am in the morning ,he has gone before on occasions and it has caused problems and he said the last time he would not go again,he knew i objected but he has gone without saying good-bye ,is it right of me to put up with this.

Sheila

Having been left alone with no goodbyes myself, in a word no!  I now live alone, but don't feel as lonely as I did when I was with someone who treated me crap.  My dogs think I'm perfect - I don't need a second opinion!

Sorry, your feeling a bit down Sheila. 

I think this is a bit more complex than is it ok for you to put up with it. Relationships are complicated.  If you have great quality time together then it's reasonable for him to have his own interests. However, if things are a bit cool between the two of you this may be a sign that there are problems to be sorted.  If you are worried that you can't tell him how you feel without it getting out of hand then write him a note explaining how you feel and what he means to you.

Hope things get better.
Mel

All relationships are different and whats right for some people isn't for others.

Each time my ex husband would stay out all night I would tell him that if he did it again it would be over but of course he did and I just kept giving him more chances. I now realise if he had cared about me and my feelings he wouldn't have done it.

Now I'm in a different relationship, we both have our own interests and it wouldn't bother me if he stayed out all night.

I hope you are ok? like others have said relationships can be complicated, i hope you can sort it out :)

Best wishes

I agree with Mel, i have been in a similar position recently with my OH wanting to go to a rave... i dont agree with these however miserable it may be. He told me when we got together he was through with it, then it turns out this rave is happening again but its the last one for a reunion thing. I flipped my lid, wasnt having any of it!!

Then i realised... do i really want to lose him over something like this... and i agreed with him if its the last time its fine, he agreed and i have let it go by.

There are some things in relationships you may not agree with and like, but just talk to them about it, i did and i feel a lot better and we are really happy now! :)

Why can't you go with?

If I wasn't able to come he sure the heck would not be going nor would he let me go- My hubby and I don't go anywhere with out eachother parties, bars ect stuff like that we do as a couple. I don't do anything to him that I wouldnt want done to me so we treat eachother well try to the way we want to be treated....

Thats something you really have to decide for yourself if this is how you want to be treated and in return would you do it to him? Relationships I believe people need to be friends first, respect and loyalty...

Are you asking me dollface? not sure, but ill answer anyway, i hate raves!! Would never in a million years go to one, so that why i wouldnt go, plus i wasnt invited lol, its his own personal thing, so i just leave him too it!
x

Are you asking me dollface? not sure, but ill answer anyway, i hate raves!! Would never in a million years go to one, so that why i wouldnt go, plus i wasnt invited lol, its his own personal thing, so i just leave him too it!
x

It's funny isn't it!

Many people get upset when their partners go out.

But, none of us should ever say that our partners/husbands can't go out without us, we don't own them, why can't they (or we) enjoy doing something that they like doing. I guess that is how your hubby looks at it too, he knew there would be another row so left without saying goodbye he obviously loves you, he married you, but wanted to do something he enjoys.

I guess it is not really about hubby loving Northern Soul it is about trust, otherwise no-one would care would they?

So you need to look at what you have really been upset about.

Are you afraid he will cheat or at the least be tempted?
Do you not like who he went out with?
Does he drink and you do not trust his judgement when he has a drink?
Do you think that because you are married you should always just do things together?

You need to look at what it is your really upset about, because I doubt it's because he likes listening to the music. If it's a trust issue you will need to work on that. :-) And if he has broken your trust, I don't blame you for being uneasy.

My mother always taught me to trust until that trust is broken, and relax, no point fretting over things.

I'm sure he is home now,  no harm done, and hopefully your cold is so much better, get to the bottom of your upset and hopefully it won't happen again. :-)

Sorry- no I was asking Annabella-

I think relationships are different for everyone and you do what works for you....

I can say in ours we do pretty much everything together- personally if its to go to the bar, party then no we go together or not at all- if either one of us were sick then the other would not go. Personally I have more fun with my other half being there- if its to go fishing (even tho I enjoy that) but ya go with your buddies- just depends on what he/she is doing. If your he/she is going out and the other half is not allowed then I def would wonder why. When our children were young hubby wanted to go to many parties but if we couldn't get a babysitter then he never went cause why should the women always stay home- took 2 to make them so in our relationship if we both can't go then we just don't go. Some people think its ridiculas where others think its great- the way I look at it I don't care what others think cause we do whats makes our marriage work and it has worked for us for 15yrs and thats what people have to do--- I always just say do what works for you :-)

Ive had many relationships but Carrington is right!! We have an agreement just because I dont want to do something it does not mean he cant go. I dont own my OH, we have shared our marriage 18 years he has brought up my two sons, he has Scouts (which I dont have) he goes off to camps, training, week long camps which (as its not 4 star and no showers) I would loath. Occasionally I do help out but when I want to. He's crap at shopping, I spend weekend with my friends he does not mind and looks after both dogs. Its give and take, I do not own him nor he me. We are together as we like/love each other more than we love anyone else. Now I cant generalise on your relationship but if I was ill and he was ok and he wanted to go somewhere and I couldnt the last thing I would want is a sulky husband, I would much rather he b---ered off and left me to it.
Im confident that he loves me if I wasnt he'd be down the road, is it the Northern Soul or something deeper you are upset with?

I would be very upset if Mark just went out somewhere without saying goodbye - more so if he didn't let me know where he was going and just left.  But then, he is very considerate and always does; and if it's something he knows I'd like then he invites me.  But if it isn't, he usually invites me anyway knowing I'll probably say no, but at least he's asked :-P

We have our own interests - me the dogs + rats, and he goes to the gym and plays badminton twice a week.  I don't expect to do everything with him - no point really, seeing as me and anything involving hitting a small flying object with a racket don't mix lol!

If ever we have a problem I think we'd be able to talk it out, and that's the key thing really - airing any problems so they can be addressed.  I actually asked him last weekend specifically if there was anything about me or us that bothered him - no reason to, we haven't fallen out, but I figure if I know about it before it becomes a problem, then I (or we) can address it before it has a chance to become one.

Doll face how can you go everywhere together?

Me and my Partner have alot in common but we do more on our own then we do together.  We will often do different things together and tonight he is out and won't be in till gone midnight.  I do wish infact he was out all night because I know I will get woken up when he comes home!

Maybe thats the difference between relationships though.  We spent two years in a long distance relationship, living together this year but I'm back off 180 miles away next year in september!

However if he ever went out without saying goodbye I will be mad, and if he doesn't come home without letting me know!

He goes away for weekends at a time quite often, he spends 3 weeks in summer away and 3 weeks at xmas and new year away....But we live with it and do our seperate things.

We also often go out for meals together to get away from hetic families (living with my parents and brother) and we go to the gym (then again I went tonight without him so it's not something we strictly do together!)

>he said the last time he would not go again,he knew i objected but he has gone without saying good-bye ,is it right of me to put up with this.

It was wrong of him to go without saying goodbye, but he's an individual with a right to a life of his own, just as we all are.

yorkies4eva: I agree with Mel, i have been in a similar position recently with my OH wanting to go to a rave... i dont agree with these however miserable it may be. He told me when we got together he was through with it, then it turns out this rave is happening again but its the last one for a reunion thing. I flipped my lid, wasnt having any of it!!

whats wrong with a rave????

or a northern soul nite?

I agree with Carrington .... about TRUST....thinking just that when reading some earier posts...

when I was younger ...now just hit the big 50  .... then ....maybe I didnt lIke him going out without me but didnt complain didnt think it was fair , I realised I trusted him so why not ....makes life sooooo much easier I dont care where my hubby goes or how long he is out because I know he wouldnt get upto anything other than have a bit of fun without me.

He has been to all different kind of bars over the years I know cause I got to hear ALLLLLLLLL about them ....>>yawn<< ...he he he .....He has told me that some of the blokes he works with arent allowed out or get ear ache when they get home ...........relax let them go ......just picture that box of chocs and weepy film waiting for you!!!!

Plus you get all the bed, use of the remote control, can eat toast in bed am without him moaning - and have the doggies in for a cuddle.
Eat crap for tea I cant see a bad side.....
When I was younger I went through two previous marriages, now Im past 50 and really happy and content with a bloke I adore!!! but I do not want him around 24/7 as i need time for a face pack, to read a book or just to be alone (not meaning Whistler cant stay he dosent say much as he's a dog) I miss him when he is away but saying hello even at my advanced age is fun...

Its not the rave i am bothered about, its the other things that take place at raves such as you know whats! lol

Thats what i get bothered about, plus i worry cos he cant control his drink and is very easily led when drunk, i dont mean girl wise, but he would be swayed if anything else came along... if you get my meaning, but i have decided to leave him too it, i wouldnt of been bothered if he hadnt promised me in the first place he had left all that behind, but for him to promise that, then me to find out he lied, thats what annoys me, cos makes me wonder if this would be the case with other things etc and what else could he change his mind on and get swayed about when drunk... make sense?

> Me and my Partner have alot in common but we do more on our own then we do together.&nbsp; We will often do different things together and tonight he is out and won't be in till gone midnight.&nbsp; I do wish infact he was out all night because I know I will get woken up when he comes home!
>

quite. (though i am lucky- Liam is very considerate when he is out and comes in quietly having only drunk vodka so no drunken smell :))

i'd get so bored being with him all the time! don't take that wrongly, i love the man to death, but you need outside stimulation from time to time. Liam and i used to work together, study together and sleep together as well as spending time with each other, but i feel i need other people to- my sis and nephews, my friends etc. and girly time! i wanted to see the sex and the city movie with others who'd enjoy it so i went with my female friends leaving him at home with the doggy :) similarly i would not even consider going to the football every week with him!

saying that i am missing him a lot right now as i am at parents and he is at home :(

> its the other things that take place at raves such as you know whats!

no?

Relationships are totally individual. What works in one relationship probably wont work in another. We are all individuals and should be treated like such.
I am going to make a sweeping statement here but men are prone to childish little tantrums. Him leaving without saying goodbye was just his way of throwing his dolls out the pram.

Why was it an issue in the past that he went out? Is there a trust issue? I'm failing to see the problem with him doing his own thing, unless he went out alone before and did something he shouldnt have.
I am only 22 but have had many relationships and learnt that if you dont trust it wont work and if you try to hold someone back it wont work.There is a saying along the lines of - the tighter you hold the leash the more he will pull, but if you let him off the lead he will come running back to you.

I lived with someone for 2 years and we didnt fully trust each other. I thought his jealousy meant he cared, likewise he thought the same when i'd check his phone. When i left the relationship i looked at myself and the mess i had become. I had no confidence and was a shadow of my former self.
After some good times with my mates im back to how i was - fun loving, bubbly etc etc.I am now in a very happy relationship (all be it early days) with someone i know would never hurt me, i trust him  150% and im probably happier than ive ever been which makes him think i'm some super confident, self assured woman which men think is the ultimate in sexiness!

Life is too short to worry about what the OH is going to do. I dont know anyone who would go out with someone they knew would cheat so remind yourself why you got togther and remember men have different ways of dealing with things & enjoy different hobbies

what else could he change his mind on and get swayed about when drunk... make sense?

Yes, makes sense. ;-) I would be worried about that other thing.

When it comes to all of us there needs to be boundaries, things that you don't do that lead onto other things. In your case Yorkies, hubby would need to be strong enough to only drink a little enjoy the music and if he did not have the will power to not drink too much then he is putting your relationship in jepordy and in which case I would be upset about him going, but as you know that is up to him to decide.

Different subject but still regarding boundaries:

When I was very young and engaged to a young man I had been with for 3 years I went abroad with my brother on business, I was supposed to be gone for a week, but we came back early, no mobiles then, and could not catch my fiance on our phone so he did not know I was coming home early. I arrived home in the early hours to find him and my best friend keeping our bed warm.

I had many days and weeks of tears and begging from both, but I walked away. (Best thing I ever did) They were drunk and it just happend! :rolleyes: But nothingjust happens there are always stages, in this instance.

No.1  They bumbed into each other whilst out with friends. no problem, that's fine for them to have a drink with friends.
No.2  Finace invited her and some friends back to our flat for more drinks. um, probably not a good idea, things can always lead on from this.
No.3  Friend stayed to help him clear up. first mistake they should never have stayed alone, a cab should have been called for my friend.
No.4  They decided to open another bottle to celebrate their hard work at tidy up. second mistake, again drinking alone with a member of the opposite sex, now in a flat alone, what did they expect?
No.5  Someone made the first move. again one or both should have said hold on here, but both too sozzled by now to care.

But their actions lead to what happened next, it could have been avoided at stages 2 or 3.

Nothing ever happens or people get lead into things, the step before can always be stopped if people want to no matter what the problem is trust, drink or other things, people can always stop it from happening, that is why some marriages are strong and others fail when the partner knows how many steps to take before walking away. If they do, then they can do anything or go anywhere without their partner worrying, if they can't then they don't deserve their partner.

I think it's more than just Trust at issue here.
Respect is the most important quality one human can have for another, not deliberately hurting someone and not putting up with being hurt- is what shapes good, healthy relationships.

In the OPs position  it boils down to - does she feel the partner is showing too little respect for her feelings - if so - this must be addressed - (no matter whether you are being unreasonable, it's how you feel) or an unhealthy balance will form/continue.

OPs partner also needs to decide whether the freedom to do his own thing overrides his respect for his partners feelings. Only a decision the 2 parties can decide upon.

All relationships have a 'give and take balance'  - some give too much and some too little but if it suits both parties, then it will work.

Anybody that blames drink is a fool. I get drunk - very drunk in some instances :-) but i have never done anything really bad that i shouldnt because even when drunk i still knew right from wrong, and what is acceptable and whats not.
I wouldnt steal someones handbadg when drunk (im not a criminal) so why would i sleep with someone else?! Thats been my answer when BF's have got funny about me having a drink. I would never stop my chap drinking for fear of what he "might do" becuase i dont think anyone can ever use drink as an excuse!

I agree that drink is never a cause of any type of bad behaviour, because you should not drink if you can not control yourself, you can only ever be in a situation if you have put yourself there, anyone saying it happend because I was drunk, quite frankly I agree it is rubbish!

Drink I agree is not the excuse or the cause of whatever failing someone has, the fact they didn't stop previously and control themself is, drink just gives people the freedom to not have a conscience at the time about what they are doing, but they still know it is wrong, drink just makes you not care.

> I wouldnt steal someones handbadg when drunk (im not a criminal) so why would i sleep with someone else?!

I agree totally!! Men seem to be different to women some what though! They dont see the logic, i dont think my boyfriend would ever cheat on me, i would hope not, but he had a bad childhood in terms of other things, wasnt the best and things are different and what he sees as bad isnt neccaserily what i see as bad... if that makes sense...
Like i say, wouldnt of been bothered him going if honest from start, but he knew i dissaproved, so lied, then i found out he was going to another one, his last rave in terms... he did actually tell me straight away to be fair, so was honest, didnt lie or hide it from me, never does, but still, the point is, he should of never given me that catch, that line where i thought he was giving all that up for me, when he wasnt... there are certain things i can live with, but others that i will not be a part of and dont want to be involved in or have a boyfriend who does things like that

He doesnt anymore, which i am glad about but the odd thing at raves is normal i guess for the majority of people, as its hardcore, but i dont like it and wont tolerate it what so ever!! Why should i, makes me think even tho i am young, what if we got married and had children, would he still go to raves then! He said NO, but he also told me he had left that behind when we first met.. so its tricky

Anyway, we got over all that and i am fine now, but if it were to crop up again and he wanted to go to another, i would end the relationship on the fact trust and his word mean absolutely nothing to me as he says things and i think he means it, but then he doesnt really cos he is going back to it! And that alone is enough to end it with someone

Oh and when i say i dont think my bf would ever cheat, i say it like that, because i dont fully trust men anymore after my ex used and abused me... i still have that hint of doubt, and i find it hard to trust anyone and with my closest of family doing the dirty on me, makes me realise i can only trust myself and i find it very hard to have that 100% trust in anyone at all anymore!

> No.1&nbsp; They bumbed into each other whilst out with friends. no problem, that's fine for them to have a drink with friends.
> No.2&nbsp; Finace invited her and some friends back to our flat for more drinks. um, probably not a good idea, things can always lead on from this.
> No.3&nbsp; Friend stayed to help him clear up. first mistake they should never have stayed alone, a cab should have been called for my friend.
> No.4&nbsp; They decided to open another bottle to celebrate their hard work at tidy up. second mistake, again drinking alone with a member of the opposite sex, now in a flat alone, what did they expect?
> No.5&nbsp; Someone made the first move. again one or both should have said hold on here, but both too sozzled by now to care.
>

Oh and in regards to this, i totally agree wtih those points!!! They are really well thought of and totally true!!! If it hadnt of got to stage 2 the rest wouldnt of followed, and even if it did get to stage 2, totally innocent, then the 3 and 4th should never of happened in a million years!!!

> Thats been my answer when BF's have got funny about me having a drink. I would never stop my chap drinking for fear of what he "might do" becuase i dont think anyone can ever use drink as an excuse!

i quite agree, there is always a little bit of sense flickering away no matter how many ribenas in you are. if they don't care enough not to do something it strikes me they don't care enough to be with. shortly after my bf and i got together i was out with the girls and was every so slightly merry and about 4 people hit on me (not a common occurance- its the suddenly unavailable thing! doesn't it always happen?). delighted and flattered as i was a plesant smile and an i'm sorry, i'm seeing someone is plenty to deal with it. drink is no excuse, it doesn't make you act totally out of character it simply lowers that characters inhibitions.

Can I just ask a question?  Why be in a relationship with someone you dont trust.. surely that is not a happy relationship

is that to me? because the answer is i wouldn't be. i am in a relationship with someone i trust :) he's lovely, sweet, supportive, clever and so honest (his mum did an excellent job on him :))

No Astarte, not to you.. it came to your reply inbox, because I posted under your last post...

It was a general question to the posters who have trust issues.. or possibly self confidence issues ;-)

lol no bother :)

> Can I just ask a question?&nbsp; Why be in a relationship with someone you dont trust.. surely that is not a happy relationship

That statement is the best way I could have written what I was going to say.

My o/h can do what he likes when he goes out without me,I really dont care cos I trust him 100%......However if or when I find out my trust has been broken or in future it ever gets broken, ill be handing him his packed suitcase,no if or but's it will be Bye Bye now.
Untill that time like I said ,he can please himself what he does and likewise for me and it works brill.Plus it gives you different things to chat about

>he can please himself what he does and likewise for me and it works brill.Plus it gives you different things to chat about

this .. I can relate to and understand, and in most cases this is how relationships work..

what I cant understand is why someone, who has a complete lack of trust, in the sense that they are so unhappy that partner/OH etc goes out for a night, they fret, worry, wonder about all the 'what if' scenarios.. is able to stay in that type of relationship...

> what I cant understand is why someone, who has a complete lack of trust, in the sense that they are so unhappy that partner/OH etc goes out for a night, they fret, worry, wonder about all the 'what if' scenarios.. is able to stay in that type of relationship...

Couldnt agree more

Truth is kayc I think more people are in that sort of relationship than an open trusting one. I know I've sat in person or on the phone to many a friend crying and worrying about what their other half was up to, it is certainly not uncommon, I even had a friend who begged me to don a wig and follow her boyfriend with her (I did say no :-D )

I know I can speak from experience and was cheated on, and a lot of girls/boys especially under their early 20's will also be cheated on as most teenagers are not ready to be loyal, so lots of hearts do get broken and scarred for future relationships,this I can understand.

I'm speaking as an older person now with a very happy long marriage so can be complacent and know that you should not feel that way, but many think it normal to be worried of cheating - especially.

All I think I can say and I'm sure others too now in good relationships is there are good people out there, don't settle and think it normal, real love brings peace and trust but most of all trust yourself.

My husband can go anywhere,  he even went away on a ski trip with his work colleagues, but I just thought great, I get the whole bed. :-D Mind you he did call me about 7 times a day!  :-D

>i wanted to see the sex and the city movie with others who'd enjoy it so i went with my female friends

I did the same only to get winged at because he wanted to see it too and I didn't tell him I was going let along ask him if he wanted to come!  Since when did blokes like se and the City and WANT to see it with their girlfriend? LOL.

Its a difficult situation to be in.. listening to a friend crying etc.. I am not the best shoulder to cry on... but thats just me...

Is there a fine line between being suspicious and obsession.. (thinking about your friend here.. as that is quite extreme)

Are the people who worry (talking general here.. not just about the girls who sit a home waiting, boys do to)... about there partners feeling a guilt perhaps.. been there done that type thing.. which tends to lead to general suspicion.. or is there a deeper meaning to their worries.. as in.. there own sense of insecurity.. not just as a partner, but as a whole person...

I know I am waffling.. but find it difficult to understand.. I am my own person..a very confident one..and wonder how others live with these type of worries/feelings/concerns...

Or, is it just an 'I dont like it, so you shouldnt either' situation.. again.. not healthy for a relationship...

yorkies4eva: Its not the rave i am bothered about, its the other things that take place at raves such as you know whats! lol

Thats what i get bothered about, plus i worry cos he cant control his drink and is very easily led when drunk, i dont mean girl wise, but he would be swayed if anything else came along... if you get my meaning, but i have decided to leave him too it, i wouldnt of been bothered if he hadnt promised me in the first place he had left all that behind, but for him to promise that, then me to find out he lied, thats what annoys me, cos makes me wonder if this would be the case with other things etc and what else could he change his mind on and get swayed about when drunk... make sense?

Ive been to loads of raves, im not wholly certain what you mean? I had a good nite dancing to loads of good techno music, which is quite like. I guess your husband does to? When he promised to stop going, did he just do so because thats what he thought you wanted to hear? But was secretly disappointed, so decided to keep it as secret so as to avoid an argument or upset you? That wouldnt necessarily be an indicator of a general lying personality. Im not to sure how that would also relate to what he would or would not decide to do when drunk? Isnt that a separate issue? And if you are worried what he gets up to when drunk, how does that just relates to raves, as opposed to pubs, for example?

yorkies4eva: Its not the rave i am bothered about, its the other things that take place at raves such as you know whats! lol

Thats what i get bothered about, plus i worry cos he cant control his drink and is very easily led when drunk, i dont mean girl wise, but he would be swayed if anything else came along... if you get my meaning, but i have decided to leave him too it, i wouldnt of been bothered if he hadnt promised me in the first place he had left all that behind, but for him to promise that, then me to find out he lied, thats what annoys me, cos makes me wonder if this would be the case with other things etc and what else could he change his mind on and get swayed about when drunk... make sense?

now this sentence amuses me...

>i wouldnt of been bothered if he hadnt promised me in the first place

You say that you dont want him to go to raves.. fair enough... but he is a person in his own right, and should be able to make up his own mind .. so.. are you not being equally unfair, in making him promise ... who has the right to demand that another person gives up their personality...

no it doesnt make sense.. why not just accept that this is the type of entertainment that he enjoys, while you do 'your thing'.. 

forcing someone to lie to you is unfair.. we dont have the right to control another person...

> I know I can speak from experience and was cheated on

So was I Carrington...thats why I vowed that I wouldnt let anyone hurt me again.....
I trust my o/h 100% weve been together 18 yrs and married for 14......hes with me cos he wants to be and vice versa,if and when the time arises he doesnt want to be with me or vice versa...then that will be it, simple as that.....

I cant let any other relationship I have get to me the way a certain one did...and I am happy with how me and my o/h are and we trust each other totally.

lol! ah well, excuse to buy the dvd :)

With regards to yorkies4eva's predicament I see that in a different light.

He had a problem with 'you know what' and going to places like raves could very well leave him open to being tempted, music pumping, drinking, getting into the zone, if he were to become weak then he may be tempted.

If I had a boyfriend/husband or a son who had been tempted previously the last place I would want them to go to is a rave or to places he could meet others wishing to peddle their wares, so I guess in a way this predicament isn't just trust, it's more looking after his physical health and when you love someone you would put blocks on things that could be a danger to them, we all know with problems like this in particular lifestyle is a big help or hinderance, I would keep him away from temptation too.

If he hadn't had this problem previously then I dare say yorkies4eva would be perfectly relaxed and happy, I think in this case she was worried about other things happening, quite understandable I guess.

> real love brings peace and trust but most of all trust yourself.

This is so true Carrington, in my first marriage I became suspicious and worried and made those 'when are you coming home' phone calls.  I felt angry at myself but also angry at him for 'making me feel that way'.  I got very confused, I would feel there was something up but I could never quite put my finger on it. He was a very accomplished liar so there was always a 'reasonable explaination'.  In the end this cycle of suspicion and him explaining it away put me into a spiral of depression which lasted a couple of years.  It was only when he tried to give me a 'reasonable explaination' about having a packet of condoms that I realised that I wasn't the crazy nag he made me out to be.

Now I am married to a lovely man who is quite a bit younger than me. All his friends but one are female and despite the fact that he is a terrible flirt I have no worries at all with him going out with them without me.  It really is as you say 'real love brings peace and trust'. 

Suspicion is a terrible feeling but sometimes it's there for a real reason. I was so disapointed with myself for feeling it but should have made the connection that it was out of character for me. If I had I could have saved myself years of pure misery.

>With regards to yorkies4eva's predicament I see that in a different light.

>He had a problem with 'you know what' and going to places like raves could very well leave him open to being tempted, music pumping, drinking, getting into the zone, if he >were to become weak then he may be tempted.

Then my original question is relevant.. why stay in such a relationship .. living a life on the edge.. is not a life...

Please dont get me wrong.. I am not criticising... I simply dont understand..

Please dont get me wrong.. I am not criticising... I simply dont understand..

:-)

Sorry to be sumizing other people's relationships, but I get the impression otherwise they are happy, it is just these little niggles she gets when he wants to do something like this, she was fine to let him go, though disappointed and just worried, I'm sure in time she will not worry, but with things like that I think proof is needed that they will not stray to the dark side.

To another extreme, a niece of mine was once dating a guy with severe depression, he had attempted suicide too, she loved him, but when he was down she was so miserable and upset, her life was constantly unsettled, I know that depression is a terrible thing to have, but this was her first serious relationship she was only 17 and I was so worried that she would live an unhappy life and worried how having future children with him would affect her, she was very unhappy but she stayed with him for a good 2 years and relished the good times, I was (horrible to say) very relieved when she finally finished with him.

She has a wonderful husband now, very, very, happy. For many until your in a happy relationship, you don't know your not, and probably more importantly many seem to think they have failed if they could not fix it.

I'm with you though kayc you should run for the hills if not happy, but I guess there are all reasons and scenario's when you don't.

>To another extreme, a niece of mine was once dating a guy with severe depression, he had attempted suicide too, she loved him, but when he was down she was so miserable and upset, her life was constantly unsettled, I know that depression is a terrible thing to have, but this was her first serious relationship

This explains things a little better...

BUT... living with a clinically depressed person,.. is not quite the same as living with someone who is deliberately deffiant.. (this said, I now understand why the poster asked for those promises)... Surely the best thing would be to seek proffessional help.. perhaps relate, or other counselling..

but i still dont get it.
neither annabella and yorkies have stated that by their husbands going to raves or northern soul parties that this means they are (or have previously) sleeping with other women or taking illegal drugs.
they have just complained that thye went out all nite without a phone call when they said they wouldnt go to these events again.
the only impression ive got from the posts is simply that neither poster likes the events, that their husbands loves these events, and that the posters have compelled their husbands to quit something they enjoy.
but it seems they werent given another choice, so felt the need to keep it secret.

"if" the issues are simply related to staying out all nite at events there wives dont approve of, then is it right their husbands are controlled that way?