I hope you don't mind if I let off a little steam.

I just had my mum and dad come round for a cup of tea and to visit the new puppy and my mum spent the whole time disaproving and complaining.

My drive is too uneven, she may trip, my front door doesn't open far enough, my mugs are to big, my new cushions are not too her liking and she hates the new door handles. It goes without saying that the new pup is the worst behaved she's ever seen and apparently is lible to end up killing someone, this is of course my fault for not training him correctly.

I have to say I'm relieved they have gone now. Don't get me wrong I love my parents but nothing I do suits her and I find it quite exhausting falling permanently sort of expectations.
.

I used to dread going out with my Mum she moaned about shop assistants, too hot, too cold. A meal out was a nightmare never the right stuff on the menu, too hot too cold to dry.

I had an auntie that would always say she liked your dress but it didn't suit me.

I thought I was the only one with moany family. But if you asked her she would always say "whatever you like" and you knew damn well she's still moan.

But at least they do go home and you do not live with them anymore.

Maybe next time she wants to visit you could arrange to meet in town instead? :-) Sorry. My step mother used to moan and I eventually asked her why she bothered to visit. Was it me or the  house she came to see? I have now banned my dad from bringing her here ;-) He comes to see me about once a month and we can talk about my late mum now that the wicked witch doesn't come to visit any more :-D

> He comes to see me about once a month and we can talk about my late mum now that the wicked witch doesn't come to visit any more

This bit of your post made me smile as I know what you mean!

I hate it when parents visit too as they are so much hard work, espicially Matts Ma & Pa as his dad doesnt like fingerprints on brass switches or shiny things or anything for example so that tells you what I have to put up with lol!

I dont think I ever dust or houseclean as fast as when my dad is coming round! ;)

This is why my mum lives Nr London and I live Nr Edinburgh.

She only comes occasionally but when she does I spend ages cleaning and making sure everthing is ok and she still finds falt. The last time I thought s*d her and I tidied up as I would if anyone esle was visting and never bothered. I think it was the most relaxing time we have spent together. I had a huge pile of ironing and she was itching to do it so I hid the iron. Telling her I wasnt bothered about it so she shouldnt be. She is the type that washes the dishes as you use them almost taking them of the table as you put your last fork full in your mouth, I am the leave them till the morning type of person. I actually said to her if you want to do them fine but I am away to watch the telly. I didnt feel guilty either. I have spent to many years worrying about what she is going to think and say. I am in my 40s and have my own family and if she doesnt like the way I live tough.

I have told her many times its her fault I am the way I am, She is obsessive about cleaning and i have rebelled against it. We were not allowed to sit on the beds when I was younger as it would mess them up. Now I dont even make my bed lol I pull the duvet up and thats it :O))

TBH I think you should have it out straight with your Mum and let steam off that way!  It's very unfair and unreasonable to have to put up with your home, life style, pets etc being whinged about and can't be doing your self confidence much good so tell it like it is :)  Perhaps she doesn't realise just how much criticism she's been making or how its affecting you ......

Take control kiddo ;)

At least she just came for a cup of tea.  Mine stayed for two weeks last time she visited...

I have spoken to her in the past but she just gets upset and hurt.

She doesn't have much of a life, she has mobility problems but refuses to use a wheelchair so is quite house bound. I think it makes her feel better to try and put me down.
She has disaproved of almost everything I do since I became pregnant and dropped out of medical school almost 20 years ago.
She made it very clear how disapointed she was. Funny really because I'm completely happy with my choices and couldn't be happier.

It's silly really that in in my late 30's, married and with 4 children and it still bothers me that my mother disaproves of my life choices.

Hi again Hugos There

perhaps she would feel better about herself if you put her on the right track of not taking it out on other people.  I'm sorry your mum has mobility problems (my mum had too) but if she's getting pent up and frustrated (understandable) IMO it's best all round to air the real issues and not use anyone else as a 'release'.  Then maybe you'll each enjoy one another's company more ......

I hope you feel better soon, whatever you decide :)

Teri

oh how i can empathise....mine drives me quite mad. last week for example i rang to tell her i have slipped a disc and cant visit.......sympathy? concern? no......instead she tells me that she too is ill....and the reason? well the "stupid medicine the Dr gives her is useless" so she decided to take double of everything!!!! Spent the night vomitting....and she expects sympathy!!! This is not abnormal, infact I have come to expect nothing less when i phone her these days..... I just cant believe this is the sane normal woman who brought me up!!!

> I hate it when parents visit too as they are so much hard work, espicially Matts Ma & Pa as his dad doesnt like fingerprints on brass switches or shiny things or anything for example so that tells you what I have to put up with lol!
>

If he came to mine, he'd get handed a duster and get told to get on with it himself if it worried him so much :-D

I finally had it out with my dad last year. He had been itching to tell me that he was very disappointed in the way my life had gone. I've been married and divorced twice ;-) I now live on my own with my teenage daughter, the cat and the dogs. I've never been happier :-D I told him so and we've been getting on a lot better since. I know he still isn't happy about my life, but I don't care anymore. It's my life, I'm happy, so what more does he want?

Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and say nothing, other times you just have to go for it.

Oh, and I did once tell the wicked witch where the duster was, but if she touched it the dogs would think she was wanting to play :-D She doesn't understand dogs at all, she's a cat person :-)

> It's silly really that in in my late 30's, married and with 4 children and it still bothers me that my mother disaproves of my life choices.

You can read my mind!!! LOL

My mum has never approved of anything I have done since I was a teenager and is always more than happy to comment on my life and try and "guide" me in the right direction (her direction!), I have had it out with her before but she will get all upset and then I am suddenly the bad guy again!!

It has made me very determined not to be the same with my girls!

My late mother too was like this ...........very demanding in her way, she would ring me and virtually expect me to watch the t.v with her at the same time!!  I always felt slightly intimidated.
I will never forget her saying though, ' thank you for sharing your children with me'.
That told me so much more than the usual things,like the doctors are never right....funny how the awkward ones are not in good health.
Any way, I say you have to give in a little and although they are the parent and you will always feel like a child. You are the one who has to try and behave like the adult. It's tough and I truly know but they are not there forever.
Karen :)

I wish my mother was mentally & physically able to come & visit me but 20+ years of alcohol abuse have left her emaciated, on the verge of alcohol induced senility and physically she is almost unable to walk as she is very jaundiced, the liver produces marrowbone (Am I correct?) which is being destroyed and her left leg is black & blue from hip to ankle.  She has signed herself out of hospital against the staff's wishes & since she came home she has been so intolerable with false accustaions I've now had to cut myself off from her. 

How sad for you ChristineW :(, I couldn't imagine not being in regular contact with my mum.  I can't sympathise with any of the above comments as I regard my mum as my best friend! :) Our relationship has only gotten stronger since I moved away, both my parents would do anything within their power to help me & have given me so much support over the years I don't know where I'd be without them!!  I know a lot of people who either don't know their parents or were brought up by grandparents or other family members & I know they miss not having contact with their real parents!!  I'm sure it's frustrating & annoying when parents get on your nerves but I would ask you to be thankful that you have them around you, many people are not so lucky!! & I'm sure although not always obvious they have your best intentions at heart!!

I am the youngest of four children. I was the one that did everything right. If you get my meaning.  No getting in with the local hoodlums,never brought the police to the door, nor the truant officer. Good job, successful marriage, own house etc etc, kids done quite well as well.

My Mum does nothing but pick holes. She is in her 80's now and has decided I am not worhty of visiting. I had not seen her for 5 weeks because she kept cancelling my visits or her visits to me, ( after my brother told her off),  she did come last week and I happened to mention my other sister, ( from out of the area on her way to the air port for her holiday), was visiting my niece who lives in the next road, well I had to almost restrain Mother from running up the road in case she missed my sister.

I try really hard to not let it to upset me but it does. But what really annoys me is I am the one that does all the routine stuff,the shopping, the fixing, the contacting the council, getting her prescriptions etc etc, The others do the grand gestures and they get all the praise and thanks.

If I say anything she gets all upset and buys a present to show she loves me. Well I hate those presents , I don't need them.I want her to appreciate me just once!!
What makes it harder is my brother and my sisters tell her what she is doing and it makes no difference !!

My Dad was like your parents gambo, he died when I was only 20...

Some times it makes me feel as I did at  5 years old, when I dressed up as in brother's clothes and asked her if she loved me!!

My mum in law on the other hand  is wonderful and tries to keep it all in perspective for me!!

She must be one  of the few mums who thinks their son's wife is good enough for him !!!!

> She must be one  of the few mums who thinks their son's wife is good enough for him !!!!

I am one of them too!!!  My daughters-in-Law are both brilliant, I always say that they both deserve a medal the size of a frying pan to put up with my sons!!  :)   ( Incidentally, both my sons are wonderful in my eyes!!)  Just to get back to the subject of Mums.  I would say to all of you who are 'got at' by your Mums, just make the most of them because you will never have another Mum (Warts and all).  I had a marvellous Mum and she died three years ago, life for me has never been the same since!

> My daughters-in-Law are both brilliant, I always say that they both deserve a medal the size of a frying pan to put up with my sons!!

Aww how sweet, I hope my future MIL thinks the same about me, since her husband passed away in a freak accident last year I have tried extra hard with her & am trying to keep her involved in the wedding planning etc so she doesn't feel left out, helps that my mum & her work in the same profession & get on quite well!

> because you will never have another Mum

I know that is why I try so hard not to let her get me upset, or more to point upset her. My Dad died very suddenly and at 0nly 58 !
I am so glad there was no bad feeling there when he went.

> Some times it makes me feel as I did at  5 years old, when I dressed up as in brother's clothes and asked her if she loved me!!

That is so lovely! Are you and your mum quite similar? I wonder if she's harder on you because she can see herself in you. Still doesn't make it any easier for you though. I'm glad you've got a good relationship with your MIL at least. :-)

> Some times it makes me feel as I did at  5 years old, when I dressed up as in brother's clothes and asked her if she loved me!!
>

Thats really sad :-(

I do believe that most people don't appreciate what they have until its gone and don't get me wrong I do love my mum but when you are on the recieving end of someone who never quite thinks you are good enough it can be very damaging :-(

> Are you and your mum quite similar

I think not.  My eldest sister says we are. My brother, my other sister and I say I am like my Dad.

> it can be very damaging :-(

I think it is this that has me try to a high acheiver .

Ditto in a way I was the eldest of three but my problem  was always that i was a girl! I had two brothers that did everything right, but i was the clever one. I never felt that they were proud of me.

I tried so hard to do well but I was always left feeling not quite good enough. It didnt help having an abusive Mum, My Dad is lovely very kind, generous but again more biased towards my two brothers. Life changed a lot when I got to 21, Martin was 19 and Kevin 17. Martin was killed and then our parents spoilt us rotten. We got helped with houses, cars, money. In a way that spoilt Kev & I rotten and we both made disasterous marrigaes to escape.
Close families can be claustrophobic and I never really got "free" of their influence until Mum died. It also took a huge row to say all the things that i had botteled up to really escape the generous, net that I was in.

I also seemed to spend a hell of a lot of time saying sorry, just to keep the peace. It was actually marrying and meetings a "normal" family that made me realise what proper families do. Dad is still generous but we all lead seperate lives and are not so "in each others pockets". I talked to mum nearly every day even though she was not really a nice kind person, she just expected to know what i was doing and I obliged.
MIL and DIL are a laugh and so normal it was great just to be me.  Now I spend most of my time sorting out Dad's paper work and keep sending him off around the world on holidays. But I am more in peace with myself than I have ever been. Just realise that if you are happy with you and your OH and kids are happy everyone else can just go take a hike. You do not need anyones approval to be you.

> Just realise that if you are happy with you and your OH and kids are happy everyone else can just go take a hike. You do not need anyones approval to be you.

I agree :-D

> That is so lovely!

Just realised what I wrote. I meant so sad! I think what you did was very touching but the reasons behind it are sad. I think much faster than I can type, doh! Sorry Bilbo - hope you didn't think I was being insensitive.

> hope you didn't think I was being insensitive

No not at all. I have just shown what a difficult child I was.

Now my daughter does take after me so you never know what she might say in the future LOL

i dont see my mum anymore,i really wish that she still wanted to be in my life and id do anything to have her here no matter what she was like.
my mum and dad split up when i was about 7. i got taken in the middle of the night from my bed (lived with dad because mum had dissapered) along with my brother to scotland in a car with people i didnt know, apart from my mum.my dad was in a wheelchair  (from a bike accident) and couldnt do anything to stop them, he was beaten up really badly right in front of me and i couldnt do anything! i cant even explain what that did to me! i then lived with my mum until i was 14. my dad tracked me down when i was about 12 and gave me a mobile so we could still keep in touch,ive spoke to him at least twice aday since then.my mum was/is a horribal person it took me so long to realise this but i finally have! she use to leave me to look after my brother for weeks at a time while she went on holidays with her boyfriends! we once got left for 3 weeks! i was only 11 at the time! i finaly told her i was moving to live with my dad and she tryed everything to stop me but i did it! when i was living with my dad she was taken to court and needed me to be a witness for her,but i wasnt even there i was living with my dad,she had brought me up not to lie and then she wanted me to lie! i went along with it because all i wanted to do was to make her love me! 2 days before the court i realised i couldnt do it! i couldnt lie in court for her,i told her and she went mad she said that she would never speak to me ever agian if i didnt do it and true to her words she never has spoken to me! this was when i was 16 im 21 now and im back living in wales,in my own house with my boyfriend of 4 yrs and still speak to my dad at least twice a day! ive tryed just about everything to get my mum to speak to me but she acts like i dont exist! i dont know what else i can do!
sorry for the long story! i cut it short aswell ha ha! but what im trying to say is no matter what my mum has done i still want her, i always will! everyone needs their mum! get what you want to say of your chest, you never know what is around the corner! and make the most of your mums! after all you only get one! :-)

My mother always bitches and you can never tell her anything cause she tells everyone lol

She watches my bro's kids all the time and always see's my sister and spends a few days (she lives about 2-3hrs away). Funny when I lived a house away she couldn't be bothered to come over or to see her grandchildren or me. I now live on the other side of the city and I think she has maybe been at my house 3 times and I have lived here now going onto 6years. Just irks me, Iam the middle child and its not middle child sindrome, she just says oooh you have a head on your shoulders ect ect but does that mean Iam any less then my brother and sister and do my children mean less to her cause really they don't even really know her, they know hubby's parents more. When I try to tell her how I feel she either says o'well thats life or she gets mad and cries- even at my own wedding she was telling my husband that she couldn't believe me that I couldn't wait longer (my sis was late, made of honor- JP told us now or never cause he couldn't wait any more already waited 20 min he had another wedding) so went on with out her and had my best friend be it. She didn't even apologize to me i brought it up and all she could say was oh sorry thats the past-grrr!!! Jeese I could really go on but getting myself in a real turmoil just thinking about it. When my dad died I was 8 months my mom left my sister and I at his parents house till i was like 6yrs old. We never seen her much, took her awhile to even tell her Bf she is still with about us- he liked us till they had a baby together - my bro- my grandma & grandpa wanted to keep us and well that just  got her worked up and she took us back- almost 6yrs later- to this day I wish she would have left us. Her Bf stopped us from seeing our grandparents cause he said they spoiled us, my grandpa died shortly after that- those were and are my real parents as far as Iam concerned- my grandma has also passed on. We were also made to help him/her bf do his janitorial jobs which we never got paid for- go to school- go to work and were not allowed friends over, phone calls ect if so we got spanked close open fist what have you- I charged him but she never came to court with me- now I can say he is actually human at the ripe old age of 79yrs old lol  I look at it now its her life I have my own- we talk sometimes- she even asked when he her bf passes on if she can move in with us cause she doesn't wanna be alone- I don't think so!

Sorry Iam of no help- I do think maybe you should tell your mom how you feel and if telling her doesn't seem to work then you could write it down in a letter- this worked with me sister and I. I got stuff off my chest and so did she which we couldn't hear each other on the phone for some reason cause it doesn't sink in- where in a letter we could read and reread and we did it snail mail not e-mail, she had prob a 20pg letter from me lol

> When my dad died I was 8 months my mom left my sister and I at his parents house till i was like 6yrs old. We never seen her much, took her awhile to even tell her Bf she is still with about us- he liked us till they had a baby together - my bro- my grandma & grandpa wanted to keep us and well that just  got her worked up and she took us back-

It's quite incomprehensible what adults can do to kids...I'm so sorry you had such an unhappy start to your life but sincerly hope your adult life has made up for all your unhappiness. I suspect your mothers guilt towards you is dictating her actions now. It's easier for her to tell herrself to be angry or dissapointed with someone shes hurt badly than to face up to what she's really done, it would take facing up to a lot of painful stuff.
I do hope that you have people close to you where you can get these feelings aired and hopefully come to terms with. Your 'turmoil' is still evident and I'm sure you'd like to understand her actions and their effect on you.

I have so much sympathy with you my Mum was violent towards all three of us, but in the 50's you kept it in the family. In my dreams I hear my nanny saying "don't hit her She" her name was Sheila my Mum. But she did, I only really, really bacame my own person when she died. i did everything i should sat with her, fed Dad made sure I fought the Doctors for her and bathed her, but I did not say goodbye to her.

We remember her generosity her love of the kids and her help when the kids were growing up. She had mellowed by then and the devil that was in her had gone by the time the grandchildren came along, but to realise your Mum is not a good person, is hard. But yes I do miss her 4 years on, he advice, her listening and being aware that my Dad is an eccentric person and his many odd ideas were tempered by Mum's guidance.

But its so hard to be a child of a parent like that. I never hit my sons, smacked their bums on the odd occasion, but i never hit them or had them up against the pantry wall with a knife at their throat like I had when I was 18.

> But its so hard to be a child of a parent like that. I never hit my sons

After all they've been through at the hands of their parents, abused children fear that they will repeat the behaviour with their own kids and that must be the worst thing to cope with. Having a poor role model doesn't need to blight your own family as you have proved ...but it must have been a big worry to shoulder.
You need to give yourself a big pat on the back for all you've achieved and the permission to be angry that you didn't get the mother you deserved.

You lovely people. It makes me realise that I had it good.

If it helps here is some of my love. XXXXXXXXXXXX

> but what im trying to say is no matter what my mum has done i still want her, i always will! everyone needs their mum!

Kiger I couldn't agree with you more, your story made me sad but I'm glad to hear it's not stopped you in life & that you have a great relationship with your dad & even after all that you're still trying to repair your relationship with your mum - hats off to you girl! There's not many people who could forgive like that. Happy to hear your life is back on track, sounds like you've got a good fella too & if his family are anything like the South African people I have met they'll love you!

> Kiger I couldn't agree with you more, your story made me sad but I'm glad to hear it's not stopped you in life & that you have a great relationship with your dad & even after all that you're still trying to repair your relationship with your mum - hats off to you girl! There's not many people who could forgive like that. Happy to hear your life is back on track, sounds like you've got a good fella too & if his family are anything like the South African people I have met they'll love you!

awww thanks thats really nice of you! brought a tear to my eye! thank you :-)

I'll put my mum out on loan I think.  She would never, ever speak to anyone like that!

Sometimes you have to just let go of the past and move on- but its still hurts and its hard- I get frustrated and tell Hubby about it but he always says well you have us who love you very much and you no your mother is never gonna change so just accept things the way they are and not to worry about it. My sis was kicked out at 15 same as me- but now I said for x-mas if we cannot have a family x-mas with all us kids like it should be then iam not having one with her- just my feelings- We finally had 1 lastyear at my bro's just sad my niece passed on before this happened- guess you have to except the things you cannot change and change the things you can- Life still goes on no matter how hard it can be we must move forward or we just won't be living anymore cause we will be so wound up in our past that we forget the people we have in front of us.

I don't wanna be like my mother my children come first and always will but i do find I yell alot which her hubby has done- trying to change that but jeese iam bad for yelling and I know thats NO excuse :-(

(((hugs)))

Some mums are like that - mine is when it comes to my dog.  If she comes to visit she fusses unbearably that Copper will attack her dog - he can't because I've muzzled him but she still bangs on and on about it.  We can't leave them in the house (we never do).  Copper's got that look in his eye (he hasn't).  She can tell Copper's going to attack (he isn't).  On and on and on.  If she's coming for more than 1 day I put my dog in the kennels.  She even once told me my dog should be put down!!!  Cheek of it.

So don't worry.  They're just being mums.  And I suppose mine is now quite old so perhaps it's to be expected.

CG

I've just caught up with this thread as my youngest was in Great Ormand Street Hospital having surgery.

When I started this thread I was feeling quite low and if I'm honest a little sorry for myself. Reading some of the stories on here has made me realise that my relationship with my mum could be much worse.

Yesterday spending a difficult day with my daughter who is such a beautiful, generous natured little girl who never feels sorry for her self what ever life throws at her, made me realise that there is always a positive way to look at things if you try hard enough.

She is the sunshine in my life and I wish I was more like her.

Now all I have to do is come up with a possitive way to deal with continuously letting my mum down.

> She is the sunshine in my life and I wish I was more like her

I hope that your daughter is not too poorly and that GOSH took good care of her .
These other stories made me realise that I was being a bit of a brat.

Hugos there : Im sure you dont constantly let your mum down..it just feels that way.
Sometimes parents are too quick to tell us when we have done something wrong or to highlight the bad things but no so forward on saying 'well done' or 'im so proud' or 'i love you'

Chin up, sorry to hear your youngest in hospital. Widhing you all the best :-)
x

> no so forward on saying 'well done' or 'im so proud' or 'i love you'

So how many of us Mums are going to do just that today to our little darlings??

Between us  on here we could sort the world out LOL

My Mum is different always has been and I grew up in a very non-conventional way.  I hardly went to school...why? because I said I didn't want to!  Lots of things were wrong with my upbringing but I love and respect my Mum, it's her way of making people happy, it's not the right way in my opinion but she is of very low intelligence and thinks to please people you give them what they want.  She's always been a single parent and my brother was diabetic, addicted to cola etc., and she fed his addiction, one leg off, two legs off.. the rest is history.  You can explain to her till you're blue in the face and she'll sit and agree with you but as soon as you've gone....she's the same.

Sometimes I just need to see my Mum (I'm 46).  I drive the 150 miles and after ten mins, think right that's enough but I have to see her.

My daughter made me especially proud yesterday, I bring her up so different to my upbringing, she is only 14 and encouraged to be educated all the way.  She did her GCSE I.T exam two years early and returning to school yesterday she found out she had achieved an A Grade.  Proud, we were both crying, I love all my children so much, the other three have fled the nest as they're in their 20's and truly hope they think their upbringing was good as they're all individual but all had the same chances in life.

    > no so forward on saying 'well done' or 'im so proud' or 'i love you'

>So how many of us Mums are going to do just that today to our little darlings??

Well I do - every day, sometimes 20 times a day!  I never have heard it from either of my parents. 

My mother has told me what a big disappointment I am to her tho.  I didn't go to Uni (they didn't want me to and insisted I go out to work ASAP! ) I didn't become a teacher - I was never teacher material!  When I did go back to college and then Uni that was wrong too I'm happily married (most of the time LOL ) with 2 wonderful children, my own house, held down an excellent job until the children etc etc  but it will never be enough!  I don't even try any more, life's too short. 

But I will NEVER allow my children (and OH) to not feel totally loved, it costs so little to let them know.

> But I will NEVER allow my children (and OH) to not feel totally loved, it costs so little to let them know

Same here :-)

> no so forward on saying 'well done' or 'im so proud' or 'i love you'

    > So how many of us Mums are going to do just that today to our little darlings??

> Well I do - every day, sometimes 20 times a day!  I never have heard it from either of my parents.

I do this with mine too. If I only teach my children one thing in life I want it to be that they are wonderful special individuals and that we love them for who they are and will support them in what ever they do in life.
I hope as a family we celebrate individuality, respect and love each other and above all know that what ever happens in life there is a comforting pair of arms waiting.

I guess I should be pleased my mum is the way she is. It has insured that I bring up my children very differently.