Yesterday my bf of 6 years told me things werent working out between us (first I knew!) and that he thought it best if we split up. I was devastated. We've not been arguing and as far as I knew things were fine. Infact I was hoping he was going to propose soon.

Im coping fine so far. I have a little cry and then Im ok. The worst thing is Ill be alone at night in my house (hes gone back to his parents) and Im worried how Ill afford all the bills on my own. I have fantastic friends and family who are all rallying round to help but how long does the healing process take? Im looking forward to having his wardrobe space! There are a few benefits! :)

forget fellas, nothing but trouble! get yourself a nice labrador.  You'll never be alone, never argue, and he'll never pack his bags and walk out! oh yes, and he wont take up any wardrobe space!

Have you thought about a housemate to help with the bills.  It would be company for you too and would probably bring a new social circle for you which might help ease it all and help you get on with a new life.

Probably afraid of the big C word-commitment. have a real good cry, watch a sad movie, open a bottle of falling down water & a box of chocs & think-it's his loss not yours

There are plenty more fish in the sea !

1st phase  - sadness and disbelief
2nd phase - anger
3rd phase - determination!

Have a good cry with your closest girlfriends, let all your sadness out then you will find yourself feeling angry then you will find yourself being determined not to let him drag you down (soooo many of my girlfriends achieved what they always wanted with this strong post break-up determination!)

Always remember what goes around comes around!

Its his loss not yours!!!!

Sending you big (((hugs)))

I really feel for you.xxx. Unfortunately the only thing that mends a broken heart is time.
It's even worse for you as it seems you thought things were going OK. However, the way you need to look at it is it's better he was honest and didnt string you along.
I've had a few ended relationships and the initial stint of being on your own afterwards is hard. Suddenly you notice all the happy couples walking down the streets that you'd never noticed before, or you are looking through a drawer and find old love letters. All these things hurt but over time it does get easier - I PROMISE! and one day you will reach enlightenment and can chuckle to yourself when friends are moaning about their awful men that dont pick up after themselves or spend too much time in the pub :-) Being single is a great way to find things about yourself and realise just how strong you are....who needs men :-)
You will go through such a range of emotions but it does get easier and quite often you will find just as you are happy being sinlge and dont want a man anymore, you find Mr right!!
Try and sort out things with your house, it will be easier to think straight once all his stuffs gone and then look at your financial situation. If you want to stay in the house you may want to find a lodger or friend to share with to half the bills. A great way to have company and security. However you may want to move out and start again. In my option that is what would do. Clearing out your house to move is a great way to de cluuter and move on. It also means your focus is on something else that has no memories and you can be proud of having your very own little place.
You will go through every emotion but it does get better. These things are sent to try us but in the end they make us much better and stronger individuals
xxx

Huge hugs from me.
Nothing much to say it is soooo hard, but time will do it.
You will then be a stronger person.

Karen  ((((()))))

my husband of 25 years suddenly said our marriage wasnt working and he wanted a divorce i was devastated. i cried so much he changed his mind- at least for the moment and i have no idea what will happen now??????

This happened to me a few years ago, my husband of 10 years walked out on me. I knew in my heart that he had changed towards me but every time I asked he gave me a different lie. I knew he was cheating but he denied that too. I had moved to New Zealand to be with him and had no family or close friends. 

This is the time in your life where you find out just how strong you are, how much more worthy you are and how much better you are than this person who was just too weak to tell you his true feelings.  He can never be the man who deserves you and that is his loss. You will pick up your life and your dignity, reclaim your power and in time you will heal.

As painful as this is now just remember that this is just the path you had to take to find your true soulmate who is out there somewhere just waiting to meet you.  You will find happiness again and when you do this person will be long forgotten. Chin up and remember you can always rely on CD's for support.

ah tracy - not much I can say that hasn't already been said

you WILL get through this though

hugs to you (((((()))))

Be positive. Things will get better, I know it has happened to me. sleepless nights, not wanting to get up in the morning, not eating, too much eating the wrong things. Have a good clear out it is a cleansing. Do you have a dog? if you have do something new with your dog, go on a doggy holikday, start clicker training, anything to re focus, and keep saying to yourself you will feel better next year this time, it seems a long time some people get over 'it' sooner some longer. write down how you feel then when you look back in a few months time you will see that you have moved on. good luck

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As people hve said it is just time. And I know too well that when someone says that to you you think it will never get any better.
But ....
In time you will find you go seconds without thinking of him. Then it will go to minutes. The it will go to 15-20 mins, then hours then days!!
At one point you will realise you hvt cried about them for a week :) then you will get to where you dont thnk of him for a week.(I am yet to be at that point)
But it does happen. And most of all it will make you a stronger person :)
I know this sounds as if I am talking cr$p, as thats the way I always feel when people say it to me. But it does happen :) Honestly. I have been through it several times :(
Just now take time for you. Cry, get drunk, Shout, scream, ball your eyes out. Switch your phones off and just be you for a day. Take your dogs for a walk, find a new hobby, Clean, Do what YOu want to do :)
Wake up tomorrow remembering that you have no one to answer to, you can be you :)
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Lea :)

Sara1bee

> i cried so much he changed his mind- at least for the moment and i have no idea what will happen now??????

Take control of your own destiny Sara and don't wait for another human to control it for you.
You'll probably feel so much better, liberated in fact.

cant afford to, owe tons in debt/mortgage etc

hey sara ((((hugs))))). There is a lot of help out there hun. If debt is the problem, talk to www.payplan.co.uk they are an internet site run by the CAB and are very helpful, they will talk you through everything. You could sell your house, but I realise there could be problems there in all sorts of ways.

Sara, your life is important. I don't know if there are kids, dogs, whatever, but whilst you may seem at the bottom of a very dark pit there is always some sort of solution. Honestly, there is ((hugs))) even if you cant see it yet.

Sometimes just talking can help, just to let it all out. talk away, no one knows who you are, but you will get support and practical help and advice. Sometimes just 'spitting' the words out can be a release.

If you want a partner then hang on to your hubby, sort out the problems, get outside help if you think thats right for you both. if the relationship can work, you still love each other, then try. You can manage without a man though, even if that seems scary at first, or to even think about. there is so much help out there for you, many here will tell you how to find a home, benefits etc. This place is a mine of info, not just dogs :)

(((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))))

So sorry to hear this Tracey, men very often don't open up to say what is wrong, or that their feelings have changed, we usually sense a problem but ignore it, nothing like it hitting you from nowhere though. :-(

Im looking forward to having his wardrobe space! There are a few benefits! 


Glad you are looking at the positives that's the way to do it, :-) your not alone hun there are thousands out there, been through something similar even myself when much younger, infact a lot younger :-) though mine had cheated, a fiance of 3 years, I was madly in love, we were due to marry that year, we lived in a lovely flat together, very happy and I came home a night earlier from a business trip to open the door and find him with my best friend, of course it just happened drink etc ***rolleyes, rolleyes,*** devastated wasn't the word, they both came running after me begging forgiveness. As if!

One minute I was madly in love, next minute both felt like complete strangers to me, we all think we know people but we don't, not really. I refused to feel anything for either of them, cried myself out and thanked God for my lucky escape. I've never looked back.  Never allow anyone to treat you badly, and don't feel sorry for yourself otherwise it will keep you in despair for longer, hold your head up Tracey and move onto the next chapter of your life. :-) There is always a new chapter, no matter how dark things feel, I have found the best way through anything is not to feel sorry for yourself, that is what causes the most pain.

Sarah,

I know many couples that have stayed together for financial reasons, understand it completely, infact I know one couple who are no longer together but continue to stay in the same house and lead seperate lives completely, however that can only be done if you can both look upon each other as friends, you can't do it if you still love him, it will break your heart in pieces, if you do still love him, take all the advice to work out the debt and bills etc and walk away for your own sanity. We all hate change, but self esteem is more important if your to ever be happy again.

So sorry for both of you, hold your heads up and get through these times, you can and you will.

Tracey
Nobody can tell you how long it will take because we are all individuals.  But if he had stayed, eventually you would have felt his discontent.  Many men say it isn't working because they don't have the guts to come out and say they have someone else.  You are strong enough to get through this, but you do have to go through the grieving, like any of us.  I admit that living alone is difficult financially, but after being ruled and dominated by someone for 20 years, it is almost a relief for me to be alone.  For me, it's too late in the day to meet someone else, but you will someday.  Just don't rush into a relationship, just because you don't want to be alone.  It's the wrong reason, and it doesn't bring happiness.  You are obviously a well balanced person, you WILL survive this.  Sending hugs, and be strong girl.  Jean

> For me, it's too late in the day to meet someone else

Come on Jean you're not at the knitting and slippers stage yet !!
You are a strong, independant and intelligent woman  -   not an old has been :-)
BUT......If you chose to stay single then that's ok too.

IMHO.........  a women only needs ..........
a man to unblock the drains,
a man to lift heavy things,
a man to go to the tip,
a man to heat a cold bed
and a good stud animal....

The trick is not to let them meet one another.

Old joke ....sorry :-)

> a man to unblock the drains,
> a man to lift heavy things,
> a man to go to the tip,
> a man to heat a cold bed
> and a good stud animal....
>

Perhaps someone could introduce me to these guys?  :-)

Gosh I have been there with two kids at 3 and 18 months, I took in art students, put the boys in one room and they gave me laughs. They also painted me a wendy house and baby sat. I got a job in the evenings and Mum Baby sat. I met my OH and we have been married 17 years.
I can remeber the lonliness but the other writers have got it spot on, time heals, determination not to be a loser for my kids made me strong. But as a by product I also got harder as well. I gave myself an aim, I decided we (three of us) would have a holiday i booked it about a year in advance and paid it off a bit each month and we went to Greece. We went away every year until i meet OH and still did up to Sam getting to 18 and they both go with their partners. It took months to plan it all, and as soon as i got back i booked again. Set yourself an aim a treat and work towards it.
I also did charity work and at a meeting I met this guy and married him!!
Its a good idea to get a flat or house mate its company, its money and its a laugh. Just keep going there is light at the end of the tunnel, just feels a bit dark at the moment...

My Mum is going through this at the moment, they had been together for 28 years, she was gutted. he had someone else, been cheating all through the marriage, we didn't know, any how her self esteem was obviously effected on a large scale over the years putting up with his crap!! it's only 8 weeks so it's still fresh, she has good and bad days, she has lost loads of weight, joined a gym, and learning to do things on her own and starting to like herself!!.... i am damn proud of my Mum.

really sorry tracey. i doubt anything we say will make it easier, it just takes time, but we're all here if you need a moan etc. massive hugs for you.

darling it will take as long as it takes.
Just remember its his problem not yours.
Have a good cry, then try to start enjoying yourself.

Hi guys. Thanks for all your comments. Im feeling so much better and its only been 4 days. Ive never stopped on my own before so that was my first task but Ive done it 2 nights running now and actually I love having a double bed to myself (well sharing with the kitten!). Im not crying anymore and I definately dont want him back. I can afford the house on my own so Im going to see how things go there. Ive got loads of things to be getting on with with dancing, horse riding, acting in plays etc so Im keeping myself really busy. Plus friends have come out of the wood work and have invited me out! Im gonna be like a student again with the amount of times Ill be going out.

Things are much more positive and alot of people are saying how they saw this coming! (I didnt!). Also people are saying Im too good for him (even people who I didnt think liked me that much!). So everythings going in the right direction. Im even managing to pack a few of his things for him without it hurting.

Maybe this should have happened a while back! :-)

Glad to hear you are coping so well!  Sounds like you have an amazing network of friends around you! 

Must admit Last year I had a double bed in my house and when my BF visited I couldn't wait for him to leave, so I could have it back to myself! :-D

Relieved to hear that things are looking better now Tracey.  I was worried 'cos you hadn't posted since the first post on this thread.  Good luck. x

Friends are so important & they really shine in situations like this, sounds like you have a very good bunch of friends to look after you Tracey! All the best x

Good on you :)

Thats great news tracey :D
The one thing to think of is, when you are down, and you will have down times, take a breath and wait until you are feeling brighter to decide anything!!!!
Dont do anything when you are low!!!! ask a mate that if you are thinking of contacting him when you are down if you can ring them instead :) then wait till you feel brighter to see if you feel the same way :)
When I kicked my husband out I slept on the sofa for 2 weeks, as I couldnt go to bed and be upstairs asleep as I was to scared!!!!! Then after 2 weeks, I realised I didnt want him back and I really needed a good nights sleep and have slept on my own in my bed most of the last 10 years LOL
It is getting easier for you and it will carry on :D you are a strong women, and its also amaing who you thought didnt rate you, actualy does :D I found that out :) )
T?ake care, stay strong, and throw yourself into all your hobbies :) and come back on here if you need to shout and scream :) we are all here for you :) :)
Lea :)

Be prepared for him to come crawling back :-) With you leading a fun filled life and coping perfectly well without him, he will soon get annoyed and want you back. Men think we sit pining for them but when they get wind of the fact we can cope brilliantly...if not better without them they realise they have let a strong woman slip through their fingers and realise they want her back.
Sounds as though your mind is made up and your going to have a ball being single....it is fun, believe me :-)
xxx

Ive had to delete him off my facebook because hes posting little things on there that I think are aimed at me and I just dont need it!

Things like: "I had the time of my life last night" are not really things I need to read!

The fact that he is doing that to get to you means he probably has issues with the break up. Just laugh at him and the fact that he cant move on :-) make sure you restrict your privacy settings too so that only friends can view your profile and that way he wont be able to snoop on you....although, on second thoughts, dont restrict the privacy and post some pictures of you having the time of your life surrounded by gorgeous men!!!That'ss p**s him off!!!

My OH did this to me back in 2006. He went to work in the morning and everything was fine, texted me a couple of times during the day about us all going to see his brother that weekend so still everything was fine. Then I got a shirty text saying he didn't want any tea. He then came back from work late and announced he wasn't happy and he was leaving. Just like that!!

I totally went to pieces didn't know how I'd feed me, DD or the dogs let alone pay the rent. All my friends kept trying to get me to go out but I wasn't interested in going out and getting drunk (very unlike me!!:-) ). Kept asking him why why why until he lost his temper. The hardest part was that there was no explanation. Then he'd say I might have made a mistake I don't know if I want to come back now, the next day it would be no I don't.

In the end I woke up and smelt the coffee!!!!! Stopped contact with him except when he came to take DD out. Started going out and realised what I'd been missing. Organised to go on holiday. Then he started making noises again about wanting to come back. I thought I'm not just going to bow down to your every whim and ignored it!

In the end we did get back together but only on my terms. If I hadn't I would have always wondered what if, but I made it clear if it didn't work this time that was it for good. We did alot of talking and discussed where it had all gone wrong.

Anyway the moral of the story was that time is a great healer, and you can have sooooo much fun being single. At the beginning it is all new and you wonder how on earth you'll get through it all both practically and emotionally. But you do and it will make you a stronger person.

Things like: "I had the time of my life last night" are not really things I need to read!

Exactly why he put it there, seeing as he is the one who left the only reason he is trying to hurt is completely as Freds Mum posted, boy will he regret letting you go.

Really proud of the way you are reacting and the way you are coping, enjoy being single again, though somehow I doubt it will be for long, there is nothing more appealing to a man than a woman who is independant they tend to flock like bee's to honey. Just be very, very, picky when they do.

So pleased you are putting on a brave face.  ((hug))

Oh dont worry I will be very picky!

I dont think Im worried that he himself has gone, its all the changes that scared me at first. I dont want him back - thats definite. I do want to move on with my life and I know that it will take time. You guys are helping so much with your nice comments and your own experiences.

We think he probably put that on because he wants a reaction from me but he isnt going to get one. I really do feel like Im taking a couple of steps forward and only 1 back every now and then so soon Ill feel much better. I have my first girly night out booked for the 11th July (my niece is dragging me out! lol) so hopefully Ill feel much better.

I have some plasterers in today and Im sure one of them held my gaze for just slightly too long earlier ;)

Tracy123...

Another little tip for you girl,
Promise that you'll forgive yourself for being a drip sometimes, needy with your friends, talking about him too much, self-indulgent and weepy....... it's all the normal things we women do. When all this has passed (and it will) you will worry about how you handled the situation and if you've 'over-used' your friends and family but don't worry they love you and if they don't they don't deserve you.
I strongly believe in the 'monkey branch' theory of male relationships - they hang on to the previous one until they are firmly attached to the next. That's why he's yanking your chain, just checking that you're still interested in him.

Now tell us more about these plasterers.....

Tracey123...

Happy to hear how well you are coping with your new life, you'll soon settle into a new routine. 

As for that message he wanted you to see? Sounds like he's trying to convince himself rather than you, he's probably waiting for the teary phone call begging him to come back and can't understand why it hasn't happened....bless :)

Take care, Mel

I strongly believe in the 'monkey branch' theory of male relationships - they hang on to the previous one until they are firmly attached to the next. 

So, so true in many cases tooolz, :-(

Hi guys. Just thought Id write a little update while I have the computer.

What a difference a few days make! Im feeling so much more positive. Ive started clearing his wardrobe so that I can have his space. Im amazed at how little washing/ironing/pots etc there is to do! Also Ive lost 8 pound in a week! Im still eating but I have lost my appetite and Im making sure I eat 3 meals (even if its weight watchers micro meals!)

My friends have been amazing! Im booked up with things to do until a week on Monday! Theres talks of a girly weekend (which I have wanted to do for ages!) and Ive got a few nights out on the town planned.

Im thinking that this should have happened a long time ago but I never had the guts to do it so things really are looking up. Ive got involved in a few other activities which Ive never done before and they are things which are free to do so will only cost me petrol. (Im not living in a house on my own with 1 wage which is a big shock) but things generally are looking up. I was worried about stopping in the house on my own but Im actually loving it! Plus my cats are such good company!

Generally things are good! Roll on the single life!! :-D

Thats BRILLIANT news :D :D :D :D
And believe me, it does get easier and EASIER :D :D :D :D :D
Continue to ENJOY life and be free :D :D
Lea :)

Lea...its only been 6 days and I feel sooo much better than I did on Saturday! :-D

Its amazing how you dont realise what you havnt got until it gone LOL
I am so pleased you are feeling so positive :) Just remeber this on down days as the feeling now will get you through the bad days and get you into total exceptance :D :D :D :D
Lea :)

Excellent news!! I wish you lots of happiness!

Good on you girl :):)

Great to hear, :-) and the way the weeks are flying by it won't be long until he feels like something from a very distant past.

Your doing great, keep that chin up and enjoy life. :-)

Great! Good for you. Enjoy your freedom.