Im at a loss on this one, so here goes...

I Was sitting on laptop down stairs when it crashed after getting partner to look at it , he said the fault was with my 15 yr old daughters computer upstairs she had been on faceparty ,msn,bebo, & speedtouch without permission ,I asked my daughter was she on any of these she replied no mam,Then i showed her the proof which was in cookies, she admitted to being on these and then said sorry and she said she tried to delete it thats why she was in speedtouch, i took her phone off her and grounded her for a week with no computer, my partner fixed the laptop and computer,so after a week she was aloud out but still no computer ,

I went for a bath one night , my partner walked dogs daughter said can i look on ebay on your laptop i said yes .well.....

came out bath partner shouted me down said laptop had crashed again, he looked in cookies she had sneaked back onto on bebo faceparty etc again, i asked her was you on these she said NO lol, once shown the proof again she admitted it , " it was me mam im sorry again"well  i nearly swung for her grrr,

well i've grounded her again no phone ,no computer, took plug of tv,?

its not working any ideas please ??

she is usuall a quiet girl i get no problems with her, but she is a very emotional child ..
any helpful advice would be great..

For starters

You can block the websites ;) and the computers shouldn't allow them from then on ;)

Internet options through either your control panel or Internet explorer will have an area where you can block websites by address

Eg. control panel - set up or change your internet connection (internet options) - internet properties will come up - security - restricted sites -  and type in the urls for the websites (or copy and paste them ;) )

Maybe have a talk with her about trust and how when someone breaks your trust it can be hard to 'mend'  and how it will make it very difficult to trust her in other areas when she might really want/need you to?

Been there, got the T-Shirt, written the book, wore the shoes :(  

You can also create accounts for each member of the family which is something we did.  Each person has to log on with their own password.  You and your partner can set up your accounts with admin rights. Without admin rights your daughter cannot download any programmes at all. 

As administrator you can still view all the accounts' cookies to check activity.

I had the same problem as you and it seemed to be the shareware sites that were doing the damage in our case that was free music downloads.  I also have my suspicions about MSN, something I used myself as well.

My new computer is used by me 99% of the time and MSN is definitely not going on this one.  I do have facebook though and not had any problems. I think facebook itself is probably ok, it will be the hundreds (seems like) of applications that everyone invites you to use that will probably be the problem. 

>Been there, got the T-Shirt, written the book, wore the shoes  

Same as .... :-)

Ok..I'm not a parent so my view is I'm sure a bit simplistic...but I can't see why she isn't allowed on these sites? She's 15 - you can bet every single one of her friends is on the same sites, they're all leaving messages for each other and she probably feels really left out. Yes, there is a trust issue - of course she shouldn't lie to you - maybe you should start to trust her by letting her on those sites and then she'll be more open and honest with you? Remember the saying that a child that is trusted becomes worthy of that trust. Have you listened to a group of 15 year old girls talking - my nieces conversations are all about who said what on bebo, and someones new page on facebook. It's as tough being a teenager as it is being the parent of a teenager - both sides need a bit of give and take :-)

On a practical note I don't see how surfing these sites breaks your laptop. Probably you need to do some maintenance with it - disk cleanup, defrag, scan disk etc and failing that a clean restore or maybe a memory upgrade. You were on the laptop one time and your partner the other time it crashed - that's not your daughters fault.

I actually feel quite sorry for the girl, you're allowed on your 'social networking' sites like CD - I think she should maybe be allowed time on hers. The punishment doled out seems a little harsh, as does the checking up on her... adn the 'i nearly swung for her' :(

If dipdipdaisy stops all the sites and the laptop continues to crash then perhaps she will need to reconsider but I have to say that there was definitely a link between music sites and MSN and my pc crashing.  When I stopped the downloads the pc stopped acting up.  At the time we all shared one computer and I was doing a uni course and believe me it was added stress I didn't need.

As for the punishment I think the punishment is for the lying, something that I would not tolerate from mine.  If you've done something wrong, admit it and take the consequences or don't do it at all but don't lie because lies make things a lot worse.

Agreed a lot of file sharing sites put loads of adware/spyware etc on your pc that can cause problems. I don't think the OPs daughter was using any of them though? Again regular maintenance of the pc would have helped if this was the case. A weekly run of spybot would be a good place to start.

Perhaps my post was a bit harsh - I don't know what sort of relationship the op has with her daughter. I'm a bit sensitive to these matters at the moment as I'm trying to help two abused teenagers, who have came from a home where they were 'disciplined' often and everything in their life was controlled. I compare them to my nieces who have a lot of free reign and are very sensible and level headed with it - and open and honest with their parents because of the trust they've been shown. To me (and again it's a simplistic view) but isn't it a lot like the difference between clicker training and training with a choke chain?

I'm sure I would find it emotionally difficult dealing with abused children too.  However, these things have to be kept in perspective.  I've made plenty of flippant remarks to and about my children in the heat of the moment but they were just flippant remarks. In the same way I say things to my dog like "Do you know the way to Battersea, 'cos if you don't you soon will if you don't stop barking" but of course I don't mean it ........ every time (whoops, there I go again). :)

On the pc point, I do think there are things that can mess them about very easily.  Yes, perhaps the laptop needs maintenance but that can be expensive and if blocking sites solves it I would do and did do the same.  Remember, it's not the 15 year old's laptop, it's her mum's who is allowing her daughter to share it, just under proviso. It doesn't sound like she is trying to control the daughter, just keep her laptop in working order.

My pc was essential for my uni work whereas teenagers use theirs mostly for recreation.

Agreed on some points but remember that to a 15 year old girl keeping in touch with her friends is her life. At that age parents exist only to provide money and transport as required to facilitate them keeping in touch with their friends :-D

Taking her phone off her, banning her from the pc, grounding her and taking the plug off the tv - sounds a little controlling to me? And all for the crime of going on Bebo, then not admitting it - was she too scared to own up?

The maintenance I recommended for the pc doesn't cost a penny. They are all either programs already on there, part of windows or in the case of spybot can be downloaded free.

edited to say by 'too scared to own up' I don't mean the OP batters her daughter, but she was may of been scared of the reaction - the things that actually did happen like her phone being taken off her. You know what kids are like, imagine in school the next day her friends aren't speaking to her because she didn't answer their messages on bebo, or didn't answer their phone texts - that's like the end of the world to a teenager.

If she is a good girl generally then you need to get to the root of this,

Must admit Youtube and music sites often freeze my computer for a few minutes and my mother-in-laws laptop you only have to look at it the wrong way and it is down. :-)  So understand the frustration.

I'm not a lover of these sites and have never encouraged my boys to go on them, kept them busy with all their friends in their faces and various clubs and their band, much more productive than spending hours on websites chatting to strangers or classmates they will see at school anyway.

Your punishments are for lying and disobeying what you have asked of her, she knew the risk after the first time and continued, which makes me wonder why?  I think you need to sit her down and get to the bottom of things.

As a teenager there are only two things more important than the wrath of their parent,

Being part of the group
Being interested in a boy/girl

Find out which it is, if part of the group, everyone at school must be talking about being on these sites and she feels she is missing out, if you do not wish her to be a part of these websites (quite understand that) then bring her friends to her, get her involved in hobbies or doing things with you so that she looses interest.

If she is going on the sites due to an interest in a boy, she may wish to see who he is talking to, what he is up to, or wishes to write to him herself, then the rulings on that are up to your own parenting, she has a phone or perhaps could use her own private e-mail to chat to others or perhaps you would not wish her to have either, that's down to you. She may just be curiously reading what others are upto.

But, talk to her and get to the root of why these sites are important for her to look at, you sit her down at the table let her talk then you talk, no shouting or disappointment reading on your face, just listen to her concerns or worries you don't want her to become secretive and continue to lie.

I'm sure together you can sort this out. :-)

Is there any reason you don't want her on the sites??  We have 3 teenage daughters they all use those sites and we've never had any problems with computers crashing etc.  All their friends use them and they post their photos and messages, I'm sure if she has nothing to hide (or you to worry about) she will let you see the sites she goes on, my girls do and I have all their usernames and passwords.  It's just the done thing with all their friends.

Have a chat with her and find out exactly what it is she is doing, I'm sure she will let you know and put all your fears to rest.

your daughter is 15 and could feasibly move out within the next year and have her own house, get married etc.  I don't see the problem with young people sensible using social networking sites.  I used to work in a sexual exploitation project and have worked with many people who have been targeted through internet use but it is neither practical or sensible to ban use of these sites. 

It would be more productive to let her use them but with conditions i.e. her site must be private so only friends can access, no personal details like phone number, no personal e-mail address posted, no photos of her in states of undress or breaking the law (e.g. smoking or drinking) etc.

There are a number of internet safety websites around like the CEOP one and lots of other national campaign sites.  A really good one designed by young people is www.faceup2it.org

I also don't understand the problem with the laptop crashing as a result of using these sites and crashing is as likely on chatrooms (like champdogs ;)  ) or on ebay.

Good luck.

I'm sure I would find it emotionally difficult dealing with abused children too.  However, these things have to be kept in perspective.  I've made plenty of flippant remarks to and about my children in the heat of the moment but they were just flippant remarks. In the same way I say things to my dog like "Do you know the way to Battersea, 'cos if you don't you soon will if you don't stop barking" but of course I don't mean it ........ every time (whoops, there I go again).

Difference being the dog dosen't understand what you mean, but the child/teen does?

OP...Are there two Pc's? not sure if the upstairs one refers to the laptop or not, but if there are two, can both be affected if just one gets a virus? Not pc minded you see :) Is it certain that whatever she used put the Pc down? Not what the op or her partner may have been on at some point? Mine use bebo, msn, facebook, and (with fingers firmly crossed) we have not had problems. My teens love the sites, they take pics from outings or the band or whatever, and love to share them all with me, and show me their friends doing the silly things they do :)  They download music, but my eldest knows the potential problems with some sites, and advises my younger one. teens love to keep in touch, in much the same way as we did when young by penpals or the telephone, at times when we couldn't be together.

I don't like lies, bit sometimes teens do this to cover up, rather than to be malicious. Who didn't lie to their parents, even a small white lie, when they were teens? rather than punish, i prefer to talk through why they felt the need to lie, and why it is they wanted so much the thing they had lied about. Remember, it may not have been her that put the Pc down. trouble with punishments for everything is that they will become wooden, and take any chance going to do what they want, because they are not bothered by losing things for a while, and the punishments become worthless. At 15 I prefer to come to agreements with them rather than headlong struggle of wills, it works for me and mine, but I have always talked things through as i feel that works better. I let them know my feelings on things, they tell me theirs, and we try to find a middle ground. Helping them make their own decisions when young, guided by me, helps them think things through when I'm not there to help.

What you need to consider is, before the Pc went down was she allowed on these sites? Did you ever ban them? If the Pc had not gone down, would you let her use them? House rules are there for all to respect, this is just one of them.

When the Pc crashed the first time, can you say without a shadow of a doubt it was her use that caused it? Who else uses the pc, what sites had been visited, could any of these caused the problem? if you open emails from ebay, they could be fake ebay emails that could cause a problem. What social sites do you and your partner use? have in mind, much as you may not like to hear this, it could have been somewhere he visited and didn't own up to that put a virus on that opened at a later date.

Why do you not want her on these sites? Is there any other reason other than they may have caused the pc to crash? thousands of kids use these sites with no problems.

I would talk things through with her, find out if anything else is bothering her, find out if not having these sites makes her feel 'different' and excluded from her school friends. it is awful to feel 'different' at this age. As she has always been good, there must be something causing her to lie to you, so find out what it is :)

They say the terrible 2's are the worst.......as if :) :)

I'm not a parent but my suggestion would be to try to understand your daughter more and not just punish, but talk to her.

I understand upset if she has lied, but I'd prefer to get to the bottom of the matter rather than perhaps give a punishment which could just be covering up a problem or could make her more concerned about being honest due to a strong reaction from you.

If she's been well brought up, then she will have her reasons and it may be very hard for her to be open with you about them, as it could be very embarrassing for her. I remember how easily I was embarrassed talking to my mother about teenage stuff, even if it was something quite simple and "normal" because I felt she would not understand how important those things were to me :)

It must be so hard to be a parent sometimes, but my vote is to not be overly reactive, but try to get to the root of the problem.

I haven't had daughters but I did have sons, who regulaley mucked up my pc, inadvertantly by following links that dumped cookies on my pc that my virus checker got all hooked up in. Causing me to have it "cleaned" more than once.
Before we all get hung up in controlling issues I think we sometimes forget "respect" if I said something at home my son's respected my view point. If dipdipdaisy has set rules be her daughter 10 or 20 or 15 those ground rules have to be respected.
A lap top or computer is not a cheap thing, it can be one's livelihood and keeping in touch is done at school, via a mobile or house phone a computer is not the only means of keeping in touch. Not all parents have a pc at home, if that pc belongs to dipdipdaisey she is entitled to say who uses it and for what.
Now a contentious bit, lack of respect and control over kids is why we as a country are in the state we are now.
I grounded my son whan he went out with a mate and a BB gun and a richocet went through a mini window and nearly hit a driver. My son was 12 and at 23 he still remebers it as he was the only kid grounded. Wasn't the first time either that he was grounded or the last, what I never did was abuse my kids (as i was abused for over 20 years).
Kids learn respect for parents, possesions ect in the home, what they do when they are old enough to buy their own stuff is their business, I would not allow my son's to use my OH's computer as he worked from home and it paid our bills. When I could afford it, the boys had a computer, lap top whatever.
I would advocate sitting her down and asking how she would feel if you walked into her room, took her prized possessions and broke them! find a common ground! you can use facebook whatever between 7 -9pm no cookies ect. or parental controls, I do think though if you back track and surrender once you may as well continue to do so. Its not thuggery or abuse to expect a standard of behaviour, or as I said my home my rules.
I have a great relationship with my boys and their partners and whats more they still love me so i feel i did not go far wrong. Just dont get really hung up on it, she is finding her boundaries, just let her know where they are thats not "controlling" its loving and guiding your kids because they are precious.

I don't have children so I might be way off here !.
As already said, I bet all her friends use these sites so she will feel that she is missing out.
Personally I cannot understand parents who allow young children to use computers in private - my friend has a 13 year old with a pc in her bedroom. She has no idea really what she gets up to.
Why not try the opposite  - ask her to show you these sites so she can prove to you that it's just her and her friends involved. It will make you happier that it's safe and she'll feel able to talk to you openly about it. Also, set time limits that she can use it between so that she doesn't become too obsessed with it (maybe after she's done her homework for an hour) and then extra time if she has finished any chores you've given her so that she earns the right to use it.
Also, make her sit in the room with you and not on her own in a bedroom. You don't have to watch over her but she'll know you are there - keeping a check !.

Good luck.

hi dill have just blocked all these web sites , and put parental controls down to 11-13 yr old..many thanks

I actually feel quite sorry for the girl, you're allowed on your 'social networking' sites like CD - I think she should maybe be allowed time on hers. The punishment doled out seems a little harsh, as does the checking up on her... adn the 'i nearly swung for her'

let me tell you a little about me, i would never lift a hand to my child , as a child i was constantly beaten , abused mental and phycically and hada  mother who was afraid of my father, i have been throughh the fster system from early years ship from pillar t post,.

this is the 1st time i have had to disipline my daughter , i want to do it right i dont want her to resent me or hate me or drive a wedge through our relationship,i vowed i would never raise a hand or object to my children,

i am a protective mother this i wont deny, i dint feel i have been harsh , on these sites you just dont know who your talking to, shes allowed to im friends and email friends, i looked on her faceparty profile and a few of her pics seemed sleezy ish,

the phrase i nearly swung fot her is how i felt but would never do, i'd rather cut my right arm of than touch my children.

regards s

Again regular maintenance of the pc would have helped if this was the case

we have up to date spyware, do regular system clean up's, disc defragments etc ..regards s

i am very open minded and have a great relationship with my kids, its just the 1st time she has lied to me it felt quite hurtful , i have spoken to her about the lies , and how hard it is gain back the trust that was there,i never opened this subject for some people to jump down my throat,i only asked a little advice, had a good chat with my daughter seems she blames herself for alot of things,and takes on alot of her friends problems , and is struggling a bit a school ie bulllies and homework, and worries about me alot, regards s

my partner says the laptop does not need maintained its done automatically it crashed because she was in speedtouch which is our modem she was in there thinking she could delete the files.regards s

I would be upset with being lied to, but luckily my boys aren't teenagers yet, i've got all this to look forward to :(
Weather you allow your daughter on these websites is up to you, just because other parents let thier children 'surf at will' does not mean you have to aswell. Personally my boys (aged 8 & 10) are allowed on-line, they play games or will look for things for thier homework projects, but they are only ever allowed on-line in the kitchen when I'm there, thankfully they're not at the age yet where they want to chat to mates via msn etc..

I think, rather than punishing her, a long chat may work better and maybe between the 2 of you you can find a comprimise - (eg, 1 hr on-line per day on specific sites, providing cookies are routinely emptied and no more lies are told etc..)?

I remember being a teenager and punishment just seemed to be something more to fight about, at 15 you want to be treated like an adult (even though you don't act like one!!!) so maybe by encouraging her to discuss this and come to a compromise might help her feel more 'respected' and therefore more likely to be respectful ?

lol, I'm sooooo glad I've got sons, I'm sure they're easier to deal with :)

> had a good chat with my daughter seems she blames herself for alot of things,and takes on alot of her friends problems , and is struggling a bit a school ie bulllies and homework, and worries about me alot, regards s

ahhh, bless her :(

How about you going on-line with her? together you could find some sites that give support to children that get bullied and I'm sure there are also sites that help with home-work topics etc.. It may give you more of a common-ground to work from and help you both get past this blip which seems to be effecting you both quite a bit :(

ETA: go in and see her teachers about the bulling at school if your daughter agrees, otherwise let the school know whats going on & let them know she doesn't want you involved so the school doesn't drop you in it. Both my boys suffered with being bullied, it can't be tollerated - the bullies must know that the decent people in this society are willing to stand up against the little b******s.

Like you I was abused by my Mum who used her fists and shouted, I still feel like bursting into tears when people shout and Im over 50. Like you I have never used violence towards my boys, never had the need and was always so afraid I would do what Mum did and I was better than that. It is the hurt of being lied to, I still think you are spot on with discipline, you have to have ground rules, or morals as we call it.
Its good thing to talk to her as you are doing. You'll get there, its just hurtful sometimes, kids are reactionary without thinking things through they properly. ( they never believe you will actually catch them)
Im sure it will be fine, its just we all assume a pc is the b all and end all, its a tool yeah but there has to be boundaries of use its a privilidge not a right. Your daughter has pushed it a bit and upset you, you'll both get over it and your relationship will be better for it. But it is so hard being 15, and hard being a parent as well.
Soooo glad mine are grown now (23 & 21) now if only we could sort out these student loans and a mortgage, oh and grandchildren 1 day I can retire.

my kids have always had access to the comp and my fella has a works laptop that he brings home and allows my son (14) to use at weekends
he even set me up a page on facebook!!! all his friends have added me! although i have no interest in it...
my youngest daughter(17) met her fella on the bebo site and now lives with him in a new apartment and has his 4 year old every weekend she is also in full time work and extremely happy so its not all bad out there in cyber space
come to think of it i met my fella again on friends reunited 6 years ago after 20 years apart and we have been together ever since..
my son is respectful and also streetwise he hates to see animals hurt and all my friends love having him around their kids.
he is joining the Army in 2 years when he reaches 16 this has been his dream for 5 years now so all i can do is allow him the freedom to go forward into the world and be there when he needs his mum......i would never stop my son from doing anything he chose to do...i trust his judgement and i trust that if temptation was put in his way he would shy away as he has a sensible head on his shoulders....i have not smacked him but my partner has once..this one time was enough for my son to know that it hurt and he has ever done anything again and that was 4 years ago...its not everyones idea of good parenting but it worked for me and my son never hated me or his stepdad for doing it
so every child is different and every parent is different and  i would never condemn anyone for doing things different to me
i wish you and your daughter all the best in the future i am sure she will continue to make you proud of her x
am not sure that girls are worse than boys though...i wonder how my son is held together at times as he falls out of trees on a regular basis!

One of my proudest moments was catching my 11 year old writing to his farm teacher complaining that his friend was being bullied and she should do something about it!! especially proud as he was small, with glasses and asthma, he still had the self belief and courage to stand up for his mate.... 
On non uniform day he wore a full tux to school!! have no idea where I got him from, I would have died to be different from my mates.

lol that makes me smile Ben is similar he sticks up for everyone who gets bullied and gets in trouble himself....
but i am proud of his actions and his willingness to help people less fortunate than himself...
his best friend died last year the day before her 14th birthday and she was being bullied at school previously he tried helping her and also walked her home lots of times even though it meant he missed his bus and had to walk 3 miles home.
we are blessed arent we.

teens lie. Its part of being a teenager, pushing the rules and boundaries, thinking they can get away with it! They get caught, and try to get out of it. Then you catch them, and they have no choice but to admit the truth. No matter how well bought up, some will try it on. She seems a very caring girl, at this stage in her education she will need plenty of help with exams looming if she is getting behind or being bullied. Do you know why she is being bullied? As in, what its about? maybe you, she and her teacher could help sort out the school work, and if she will allow it, talk about the bullying. This all needs sorting. Also why she worries about you, i don't know why she does and I really don't expect you to disclose this on a public site, but maybe you could work with her to show her she does not need to worry about you? There are councilers at schools who can help with problems, maybe you and she could take advantage of this?

Shutting the Pc down to a low age group may restrict her with homework, so you may need to open it up for that. I know it did for mine, they showed me and it would have been near impossible.

She may be wondering why you won't allow her on the sites, why you don't trust her judgement as to who she talks to, and what she may be doing on there. She may be wondering why you don't trust her. This will be confusing for her, especially as you have such a close relationship. Letting go is hard, but maybe just a bit? if she is allowed on the sites, she won't put the program on thats causing the problem, so that should help the Pc. you can monitor her site, and have the Pc in a room thats constantly used, so you can see what shes doing. Loads of teens talk this way, thats no reason for you to allow it if you really don't like it, but she may feel left out of her group. How about giving it a trial period, say a couple of weeks, and see how you get on? If no, then maybe open up the house so she can have groups of friends there, when you meet them you may find they are nothing to worry about and good kids too!

Again, I would ask are you sure this is what crashed the laptop? if its used by others, she may not be to blame.

>had a good chat with my daughter seems she blames herself for alot of things,and takes on alot of her friends problems , and is struggling a bit a school ie bulllies and homework, and worries about me alot

so glad the lines of communication are still open Dipdipdaisy :-)
some websites to help you and your daughter

http://www.bullying.co.uk/

http://www.beatbullying.org/?gclid=COmy0P3inpQCFQIVEAodUmo3tw

http://www.childline.org.uk/info/pages/bullying.aspx

http://www.dfes.gov.uk/bullying/

http://www.sortit.org.uk/bullying.htm

http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/worriedabout/bullying/

For what it's worth, I think your daughter is very lucky to have a mum who is trying to understand her ;)  but also who has given her children boundaries to respect  :-)

My eldest is a Ben and he is due to join the army shortly as a red cap (Military Police) its all he has ever wanted to do but I did get him to do his A levels and degree before just in case! My yongest Sam was the tux boy!!! Hes at uni doing Forensic science!!

my ben is following his step dad into army training college at harrogate he is joining as a signalman
he refuses to sign up as cannon fodder as he puts it..
he was looking at the military police as well however decided there is more money to be made in telecoms
it doesnt stop us being worried though does it..
my partner/his stepdad now works in telecoms and ben is enthralled by it especially the pay lol
ben is so popular with the ladies!! i dread prom night....

Ben was a late developer and had his first girl friend at 19 even though he is 6'5" and (as Helen puts it "fit") Sam has been involved since 15 and I cannot remeber how many girls I have had crying on my shoulder, he is 6'3"  pale and interesting!!!

can any one tell me what bebo amd faceparty are about before i can come to some sort of compromise, also spoke about school bullies said if i complained it would only make the matter worse she said to leave it, wow it i amazing how much they hold in, she blames herself for dad leaving, struggles with home work ,i am dydlexic and partner has learning difficulties have aske school for help but gem says they ofered her a "special " class to go to she says no way ! she says she dont like going out incase i get ill i have told her i am not her responsability thats why my partner is there, her job is to enjoy life , have friends , go out etc.

mnay thanx about explaiing bebo etc

sandy

hi
i am so glad that you are looking into the sites rather than dismissing them out of hand...
im sure someone will be along to give you the info
my children use the to speak to their friendsand to keep up to date on the latest gossip
however as soeone on here has said you can set yor profile to private so that only the people that you agree to can see your profile and leave messages
my children have never had problem on either site sticking to these rules
i would speak to the school and discuss your worries and your daughters with regards to bullying because unless they are aware of the problem they can act against it
as for your daughter asking you not to i would say she would be happier if you did do something in the long run. my parents did nothing about me being bullied and it ruined my teenage years and i still resent them now
does she have many friends?
does she have friends round to the house?
does she have a best friend? if she does see if she has spoken to her about her worries
my sons friends are very diplomatic and tell me, but dont let on to my son

whistler; ben is 14 now but up until 6 months ago was tiny and scrawny.
he then shot up from a size 3 shoe to a 7 almost over night
he spends more time in the mirror than any of the girls did and has more space in the bathroom cabinet than my fella..
he has broken 3 girls hearts so far
my next door neighbour used to be his IT teacher and always drives past him and his friends and says she loves him loudly out of her window!
he absolutly loves her to pieces and shouts it back.....
i will miss him when he goes much more than the girls
they were too hormonal although i would welcome them back if they needed me....

Ben used to use tons of hair gel to stick the front of his hair up like Tintin, he would think nothing of nicking my face cream he was so vain... Now his GF gives buys his moistureiser cause he nicks hers!!! I am afraid he is also a label addict so he will not have shoes with a welt around (he is in size 13!!). Sam is back to back black and has pierced his lip!! Sam wears stuff a size to big, ben a size to small. But they are nice people and I am a very proud mum.

I do get angry when people demonise kids as I often have a houseful but there good kind people.
Ah well back to the plot, they don't ever leave the boys as mine insist that xmas is at home, so Helen goes home to her parents and I have the boys then they get together day after boxing day.. When my fridge is empty!!!!

hi inthemistuk..

                              yes she has friends ,mainly all meet in the local park or walk around the town.
                              I have offered several times to invite her friends round.
                              yes she has a best friend hayley ,could phone her see whats happening, would that make me a nosey busy body mum lol

if it does, then it means i am in the club as well.lol
however i like to think that if his friends care that much about him they wont say anything  to him
i only ask if ben is seeming a bit down and i dont phone up i just ask when i come across them..
im sure that hayley would want someone to look out for her as well
its tough being a mum and having had 4 myself i dont know all the answers i can just pass on my way of dealing with things
ben has a couple of friends around here, but prefers to spend time at his friends..its a teen thing..you are not seen as cool in their eyes...

lol i bought bens hair putty/gel woteva and got it wrong shock horror
i came home from the hospital the other night to find his sister streaking the tuft of hair he has running lobsided down his skull
he now has a blond/brown tuft!
he has been known to use eyeliner and foundation ....although deny deny deny was order of the day!
he will only wear a trainer that says k-swiss...and yet 6 months ago anything would have done.

as for christmas Dave has 3 daughters and i have 4 kids so we spread christmas around so they all get a look in
we would have to win the lottery for them all to come home on the same day! i do think though that once the girls are set free they go and tend not to come running back whereas my eldest son is back and forth like a yoyo as he is doing tonight .....(he is 24)
my fridge is always empty after his royal visits....

I'm a nosy busy body mum, :-D nothing wrong with that.

However be careful you have to be very clever in the way that you do it.

I'm glad that you have had a chat with your daughter about why the punishments stand and that you are not being mean but can not allow lies and going against your wishes, let that sink in for now, as for opening up more.

With regards to her little slips of problems the worst thing any of us can do is dive straight in and ask what is wrong, adolescents and many adults clam up immediately.  The way I always do it particularly with neices (I find my boys and boys in general are more open for some reason, it is the girls who are secretive and proud) is to arrange an afternoon out, shopping, meal, nails and hair, chat about normal every day to day things and then your daughter should open up, then when you ask if she is worried about anything for some reason everything then comes flooding out, I don't know why it works but it does, it always has for me.

I become good pals with my boys friends too, and they confide in me sometimes about my boys, I never disclose the information given, just drop things in a day or two later.

If you have a good relationship with Hayley she may talk to you, but it would be the worst thing if your daughter found out, so try to get her to loosen up first, but if you are really, really worried, call around to speak to Hayley it is better face to face, on the phone you can't see what people are hiding and she is more likely to tell you things if you are stood infront of her, though you need to do this in confidence.

Good luck, hope that things sort out one way or the other soon. Your being a really good mum, when our children start to change ignoring it is the worst thing, keeping yourself in the picture as her guide it is the place to be. :-)

Just noticed your latter reply above:

When children have problems I personally do not think these adolescent websites help, adolescents don't know how to cope often give advice that is wrong, and sometimes make problems worse.  I know that my son's school has a councillor, does your daughters school have this facility? It is a shame she will not take the help with her needs at school, perhaps a meeting there will help her to see it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Please step in with regards to her bullying and education, she needs adult help with it, I hope that she is in a school which takes bulling seriously, sorry to scare you but many children take drastic measures when bullied, thinking no-one can help, when all they needed was to ask, please take it seriously.  Your daughter sounds to have a lot going on in her head, she will think no-one can help even adults think the same, but we can and we do help. :-)

She needs someone to talk to, if she really does not wish to 'burden' you as many children think they do, please find her a councillor, better than a website or her friends, someone that really will allow her to unburden and be given solid advice back.

When a child says you can't help!  That is the time to make sure that you do. :-)

> When children have problems I personally do not think these adolescent websites help, adolescents don't know how to cope often give advice that is wrong, and sometimes make problems worse.

totally agree with that, but the links that were put up (by Dill, I think ?) seem like a good place to start especially if they both look at the site together, or the OP checks the sites out first. She may be reluctant to see a school counciler as she may feel that if word gets around school she will be bullied more.

I totally agree on bullying being a serious issue it needs to be sorted ASAP. Both of my boys have been bullied, the first few times I went in to school to sort it out with the teachers but as they got a little older they thought me interfering would make things worse, so I had a word with the teacher without my boys knowing and also made it clear to the teacher that they should not let on I had said anything, this way the teachers can make out they sussed the problem by thierself.

>have aske school for help but gem says they ofered her a "special " class to go to she says no way

Would it be possible to have a word with the school regarding this, maybe there is some work she can bring home to do that will help her, rather than having to go into a 'special' group (I expect she's worried about being bullied if she goes to the 'special' classes :( ).

but the links that were put up (by Dill, I think ?)

Yes, those links are great full of information, I was meaning more the bebo, facebook, hotmail giant Internet meeting places for teens and children, full of the wrong advice and possibly 'bad' influences and preditors.

An adult who understands an adolescent, their worries and coping mechanisms and puts them on the right track safely allowing a child to unload is what is needed, not going on mum's laptop. :-D

It is people who understand feelings that is needed, that is what causes pain, I hope that Gem will allow her mum to help her.

there is no councillor at the school gem goes to so i will wait till after school holiday's and go speak to her guidance teacher , many thanks again for all who replied to this post,

good luck and please dont be fobbed off
you know your daughter better than anyone else
please let us know how you get on
xx

Just to chime in,my daughter is 16,son is 13.Both of them have been on Msn,facebook,bebo etc etc etc since we've had a computer,a fair few years now.This is what teens do,it's their social network.I dread to think what it would be like around here without the computer
IMO i dont see the big deal.At least when they are on the computer they're safe and sound at home.
I should also add that i am a  underprotective parent,if there is such a word??

I think there can be problems.  My niece has her full name, address and telephone number on her social sites (facebook, msn & myspace).  If I google my nieces name (she always includes her very unusual middle name in the full name) it comes up straight away and you have immediate access to all her personal information including photographs.  I've told her the dangers and told my bro but obviously they don't see the danger.

Up until  my son got his own pc at Christmas we have always kept the pc in a 'public' room so that you can walk past at any time unexpectedly.   I think it's important to know what your children are doing on the computer, who they are talking to and to ask questions to ensure they appreciate the potential dangers too. 

My daughter has her own laptop plus access to the family PC, she has facebook (I have facebook), Bebo and MSN and has had for some time, we've never been plagued with virus' or similar (touches wood).  I sit and look at her Bebo with her and we chat about her friends, whilst looking at their recent photos.  I feel it's a good social  networking site, there will always be those that abuse the site as with any situation or location in life.  I think I am possibly a bit over protective towards her and I like her to be at home on her computer (after homework) then at least I know where she is.  We are very close and this week we went running together on Monday night and cycling on Tuesday night so she's not always on the computer but  I don't tend to restrict it as she does self-manage her time very well.  She is 14.

I just googled my niece's name and up popped 6 websites all including her of course.  Not just her but my brother because she is his main contact and her step-father plus a couple of websites that she has made comments on.  Happily though she has now restricted her social accounts to private and not public so although you can see a photo (gosh she looks so grown up) you can't access her personal information anymore.

I just did the same Cheryl as we have an unusual surname but nothing came up for her thank goodness

When Sam at 16 went to college he decided he wanted green hair, so i said OK. He looked at me a few times, then we dyed his hair blonde!! and he used to get those colours like a foam so one day green, one day red, purple, orange. Never did go green I thought if I said yes he wouldn't take the plunge.
He did pierce his lip though I said "take that thing out" he said he was 18 and could do what he wanted, I conceeded that point... With kids its win some lose some.
Ben now went potty about two years ago and shaved his head, so he keeps it that short now and his OH loves it. He has just grown a goatie,,,,, Helen says its like kissing a badger .... would not know never kissed one!!!
They will always remain my greatest achievement, love them to bits.