OK guys I really want your thoughts on this please! About 5 years ago my long and very lost half sister contacted me out of the blue (we have never met).....shes about 24 now....and wanted to meet up. Well it was all arranged and then she bottled out. She made a 2nd arrangement a few weeks later....then got the sack (she said it was because shed used work computer too much emailing me!!!) and I got the feeling she was slightly blaming me for it.... and again she bottled out. No contact since!!!
Anyway last week she emailed me again.....wanting to meet up. So I asked why after 5 years she suddenly wanted to meet....she said she wasnt ready 5 years ago. fair enough I thought....she sounds abit of an emotional nervy sort, so gave her benfit of the doubt!:)
Today she has emailed to see what day we will meet.....we agreed on a day and I suggested a pub in a nearby town. She said she is without a car, and lives in middle of nowhere but she could get a lift to *** which is an isolated car park on dartmoor! Now maybe im a worrier but does this sound sensible to you? I really dont know her atall......her previous employer is  one of my clients and she said shes a bit "odd".....if she can get a lift to the carpark, then why not to the town? Can anyone offer a suggestion on how I answer this? Shes mega sensitive and I have noticed if I say the slightest thig "wrong" she goes off  on an emotional rollercoaster telling me how my "presence" has upset many in her family bla bla bla and truth is theres a small warning bell in my head!!

I wouldn't if it were me and you aer already saying you are not very happy with this situation. You say you don't know her even if she is your half sister.............would you meet anyone else in an isolated spot especially on dartmoor....no you wouldn't. If she really wants to meet you then she will have to meet in town.
If you turn up in an isolated spot how do you know she will be alone?
I don't know how u tell her but my advice is don't go anywhere isolated.

Well if there is warning bells going off in your head dont meet her :)
Or have you got a 6'5" built like a brick out house mte or one that does Kick boxing etc tht could go with you????
Most of all, DONT feel guilty for anything she is saying about the family or getting the sack etc. It is her life not yours and sounds as if she trying to make you feel guilty for something that is not your fault.
You could also work out where the nearest town to that car park is and find a nice pub there and just drop into the emails that just up the road from that car park you have heard great things about .... pub!!!!!!
Most of akk DONT do anything you dont feel comfrtable with :)
Sorry for waffling.
GOOD LUCK
Lea :)

totally agree with what the others have said, don't do anything you feel uncomfy with, and your not over reacting, thats a really weird arrangement for meeting a new person. consider it this way, this is your sister yes but if it were a friend meeting a guy they'd met on the internet for the first time etc and they suggested that you'd defo tell them not to.

it also sounds like shes trying to make you feel guilty for something, obviously don't know the circs of how you came to be half sisters but it seems to me like their might be some issues there for her. why would her family be upset with your "presence", what presence? she contacted you...

on the other hand shes your sister and getting in touch might be well worth doing.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt it may be that she is very nervous, and doesn't want to go into a pub and try and recognise you out of all the people there? In an out of the way car park yours is likely to be the only car :-) That said, I'd try and reach a compromise I think...what about an out of town supermarket carpark - not as nerve racking as a pub for her, but more public for you, and at least you can get a coffee after the introductions?

Agree with all the others, if car parks are her bag make it the pub car park :-)

Dont worry lea I certainly dont have any guilt over anything to do wth her life :)
I should have said that the reason she wanted to meet on the moor is because she thought we could go for a walk and talk.......but like everyone has said....Im not sure thats a god idea.
I dont want her to think im untrusting of her motives....so...what about a small white lie??? Maybe get Andrew to drive me there and tell her I didnt feel like driving or something? At least he could hang around!
Failing that any ideas on wording a subtle reply which basically says "i think you could be a bit unstable and want to meet you in a public place" :) :)

I would listen to the warning bells!
She is a stranger.
Make certain if you meet up (you do not have to feel obliged) that it is a very public place.
I would also say you would prefer to go for a coffee, or  meet somewhere that isn't quite so open.

Karen ;)

Whatever you decide, the warning bells in your head are there for a reason ;)  listen to them !

Can't see why she would want to meet you in the middle of Dartmoor   surely for both your sakes it would be better meeting somewhere more public?     In your position I would never agree to a meeting like that ;)

Is there a park which would be local to where you both are able to meet?

take the dogs. if shes wanting to go walking on the moor it makes absolute sense to take them walking to (a well behaved on so you can converse easily), but you'll be/feel a bit more secure. not to mention i find that my dogs know if something is right or wrong in a situation far better than i do.

Couldnt you tell her, you're getting over a tummy bug, cold or something like that and don't want to overdo things!  (not sure if its a small enough white lie) or take one of your young dogs and meet in a pub somewhere dog friendly, telling her that it needs a bit of socialising around town! 

You know she may just be nervous of crowded places and may not actually be a serial killer :-D  Getting Andrew to drive you there is a perfect idea, you can go for a walk to chat in private while staying in view of the car :-D  I wouldn't mention it in advance, just say 'that's a great idea' then turn up with your chauffeur...if she asks at all say you heard of a car being stolen from that car park in the past :-)  Oh...and make sure you park in such a way that he can't be seen from the road - or she may not turn up again but just drive past!

The British weather seems a perfectly good excuse not to meet out in the open. It's one thing bundling up in sou'westers to walk dogs but it is not condusive to conversation is it?

thats a good point. or she could claim a sprained ankle?

>or she could claim a sprained ankle?

That's an excellent plan. That way Sam's got a cast-iron reason for having someone else drive her there (you can't drive with a sprained ankle) and also a reason not to go far. :-)

Yep...I like the sprained ankle idea too...however I would find it difficult to keep up a pretence like that. Say you're walking along chatting and one of the dogs finds a cooked chicken bone discarded from a picnic, your sprained ankle is forgotten as you sprint after them :-D  Best to bandage your ankle up so tightly you can't actually walk properly so you can't forget about it...maybe bandage a drawing pin into it so it keeps jabbing you in the leg :-D :-D :-D

I think having anyone else there could be a non starter as she seems to be a "bolter"  :-)
Better to push for a pub or cafe meeting which she might be made to feel is equally as anonymous and private as a windswept moor but a lot more comfortable and relaxing at what is bought to be an awkward start but of course someone unknown to her could be discreetly sitting at another table. 
Out of earshot, I would suggest, so as not to run roughshod completely over the girl's trust.

> I think having anyone else there could be a non starter as she seems to be a "bolter

thats why i thought one of the dogs, not technically a person but a good guardian none the less

> I think having anyone else there could be a non starter as she seems to be a "bolter"

That's why I suggested parking in such a way that Andrew can't be seen till she's committed to getting out the car :-) You clearly feel comfortable in pubs Isabel ;-) but many people do not.

> You clearly feel comfortable in pubs Isabel ;-)

Clearly :-P :-D but I did mention cafe too. 

Oh so you did, clearly I didn't see the cafe only the pub.....I've known that to happen on shopping trips too  ;-)

If she is getting a lift to an isolated car park in the middle of Dartmoor, how does she propose to get back home?    Either she will have someone with her, or she will be expecting you to take her home.

You shouldn't go on your own, imo.

Margot

This all sounds very dodgy to me.
She will be there with her 'lift', you can't go on your own.
I don't see why her driver can't take her to a pub nearby, and meet you in the pub carpark, at least there will be other people around.
Trust your instincts - don't put yourself at risk.

good point margo, I wouldn't be happy with meeting someone out there - too many serial killer connotations and if she can get a lift to the moor she might be expecting you to give her a lift home and if that is the case then you should be able to call the venue.

On the face of it the setup sounds a bit weird.  I think I would suggest a shopping centre where there are good public transport links so no excuses about lifts.  There would then be a choice of places to go for a chat, cafes and car parks but much more public. 

What is wrong with just telling her that you don't want to meet where she suggested but you will meet at ........ and mention a place of your choice.  There is nothing wrong with being direct because if you 'pussy foot' around her this time, you'll always have to do it.  She, it seems, has called previous meetings off so maybe you should call the tune from now on.  I am assuming that as you have never met before, you have lived your life without her until now so could continue to do so if necessary.  Having said all of that, I prefer calling a 'spade a spade' but I can see that everyone isn't the same as I am.  :)

Personally I too would not meet there either- I would just tell her to go to the pub since it is a public place or you can arrange another meeting time where she can actually get around much easier and not have to worry about a ride... Or ask her to borrow someone's car, Iam sure a family member could lend her one. Plus how is she suppose to get home from the park if her ride drops her off- ya that would have me wondering as well. I to would feel better meeting in a public place be it a pub or a resturant. You could also tell her to bring a friend this way you to can bring one which I to think is safer, sorry I always think the worst.... Persoanally if she really wants to meet you then the effort would be made and safe for both of you, and I too would not tippy toe around it I would just be blunt and well if she can't handle it then I guess she can meet you when she has matured.

best of luck :)

This is a two-way arrangement and sorry but her not liking it if you can't fall in with her requirements is hard luck. If she wants to meet you it will have to be in a place and time you find comfortable, why should she be the only one to throw a wobbly you are just as entitled.

She contacted you, she wants to meet, she should agree a place and time convenient and acceptable to you and a car park in the middle of nowhere is not suitable or safe.

Sam, I really, really don't think you should meet there.  There must be somewhere she can get to where there's people around.  I would most definitely err on the side of caution and, no matter who goes with you, not meet her somewhere so secluded.

It may all be very innocent, but I wouldn't take the chance to be honest.

Good luck.

Simone

well i have decided on a compromise. I suggested that as she is currently car less we meet near where she lives so its easier for her :) I have suggested a car park of a well known pub...and I have said that A. will be bringing me as we are on our way somewhere else that evening....but that we can talk alone and shee seems ok with that. Thanks to all for your sensible advice. Ill keep you posted!!!

Sam, do you really care if you meet her or not?
If not, make it your way, or no way!
If she wants a walk, take a couple of the dogs with you, or has been suggested, meet in a more public place.
Hope it goes ok whatever you decide, you never know, you may really hit it off.:-)

You posted same time as me!
Sensible decision, hope all goes well xx

Can I just ask why all the cloak and dagger anyway?  If you want to get to know each other a meeting in a pub/car park or a walk on the moors (what if it rains) is just not the way to do it, it is impersonal. If this were a first date fine, but this is family not close, but not a complete stranger.

If you are both so untrusting of each other, and if you are worried she is unbalanced then I would just e-mail or phone anyway and not bother with contact right now, then when you are both sure you wish to and want to meet after, one of you should invite the other to your home for dinner, that way you can sit and talk and relax, have a meal and get to know each other properly. :-)

She will either be a huge mistake letting her into your life, or she will enhance it. 

IMO It is no way to start a relationship with her telling white lies about sprained ankles etc and meeting in places you are not comfortable, I would either invite her around for dinner or just speak on the phone until you feel happy to do that.

carrington.....tbh she has been so unreliable over the lst 7 or 8 years I have got to the stage where its just up to her now!! I used to try to make all the effort but got fed up with it being so one sided.....now its her choice to meet up .
As you will see from my post.....I have just suggested a better place to meet and shes fine with that....so no white lies or anything else required.

I hope it goes ok :)
My mum is 59 and met her 67 YO half brother last year, they met at a half way point where mums mum lives, and her half brother and his wife stayed at a hotel, They met in the restaurant and got on fine :) they havnt met since, and he has never met his other Half sisters and brothers (long in depth story) But they still talk by email regularly and I am sure they will meet up again (although live 300 odd miles apart) and all of mums family know he has met him and 2 of his 4 brothers and sisters know he has met mum.
I was a very delicate situation but it has worked out well:)

Just trying to give you hope Samand I hope that your meeting ends in the same way :) :)
Please let us know what happens :)
Lea :)

I just met my half sister last month.  I was in her city, for a doctors appointment, and we had been chatting over the internet and on the phone. 

When I got there, she was the bomb!!!!  I was so happy to finally meet her, and surprisingly enough, since we didnt grow up together, her and I are so similar.

But, it was at a public place, a coffee shop. 

Hopefully, when you meet up with your half sister, that it will be a great experience.  I know, with me, that meeting mine has just enriched my life so much more. 

Good Luck with the meeting, hope all goes well.

Being totally honest, do you really need such an unstable person in your life?

As you will see from my post.....I have just suggested a better place to meet and shes fine with that....so no white lies or anything else required.

Ah ha............ very good idea. :-)

Just see how it goes, first instincts are what I usually go by when meeting people, they are usually the right ones, we often over-ride our initial thoughts of people to give them a chance but invariably the first instincts are right.  So if when meeting her and obviously it will be nerve wracking for both of you, but you can look into peoples eyes and know what they are about, just go by that.

I hope that you click it will be nice for both of you, but if you don't just because she is family does not mean you have to stay in touch with more than a card, don't invite trouble into your life if you don't have to, we all have enough already. :-D

Just an air of caution I may not be popular saying this, but sibling rivalry is what it is, it happens in many very close families, watch she does not try to take what is yours, i.e your man, females can be the biggest snakes on the planet especially when they see others are happy.  Just be wary of her.

But, saying that she may be the best thing to ever happen to your life.

Obviously we don't know what the background is here and why contact hasn't been in place but it may be that she is wary of what you are going to think, say, do etc and so doesn't want to be in a too public place in case she can't cope with the meeting. Perhaps she is just scared of the outcome of the meeting and that the outcome might not be as she wished. It must take a fair bit of courage to meet.

As long as you take sensible precautions and don't put yourself at risk it should be ok. If you do meet her then at least you will know if you want the contact to continue or if you want it as a one and only event. Whichever way it goes at least you will know one way or the other and won't spend the rest of your life wondering.

well for those of you who kindly offered advice, just to let you know that everything was just dandy....she wasnt a serial murderer :) and we had a grand evening and now looking forward to the next one! Thanks everyoine for protecting my best interests, it was much appreciated :)

Glad you had a good time, just like meeting anyone "onnline" in "real life" you just need to take precautions.

Hope all continue's to go well for you both. :)

Very glad it went well, and I hope that your lives will touch more often in future. :-)

Thats brilliant :)
Really pleased everything went well and hopefully this means a long happy sister relationship :) :) :)
Lea :) :) :)

Lovely news sam. Hope she is more confident to meet you next time, it must have been as nerve racking for her too! Hope all continues to go well for you both :) :)

Good to know it went well enough for you both to want to meet up again :-)   

Glad it went well! Sounds like you had a great time.

Really pleased that it went so well and that you both enjoyed meeting up :)