had a massive row with hubby today...

I'm on nights tonight, finish at 7 in the morning, and am back at work at 3 tomorrow afternoon...

hubby is days off, I told him that I was doing this quick turn-around, he's known about it for weeks, and was reminded yesterday...

I tried to get some sleep this afternoon, and when I got up about 5pm he anounced to me that he had been asked to go in to work tomorrow morning.

I'm afraid I lost it with him, it means that he will already have left the house by the time I get hom, and he won't finish work until 6pm tomorrow. I told him that he obviously put his work before me and our marriage...and he obviously didn't care that I would get virtually no sleep between my shifts....

It doesn't matter what I say. how upset I get, how angry I get, it doesn't change anything. He promises he won't book overtime without checking it's convenient with my shifts, but I know damn well he'll do it again. I don't know how much more I can take, I really feel like an insignificant other :(

sorry - just had to get it off my chest - I'm gonna be in a really off mood tonight...

To make sure that this does not happen again, why not type your hours out in very large writing and stick it where he can see it, bathroom mirror, fridge door, near the kettle, where he can not miss it ever again.

I don't think that it is that he sees you as insignificant, men do (sorry men) have a habit of looking as though they are listening but really they are not, everything goes in one ear and out of the other.  Can't tell you how many times hubby has come home and asked why am I dressed up?  Err..... dinner party tonight in half an hour. :-D  He may well have a lot on his mind with his own work and obviously that always takes priority in his thoughts.

Great big letters with the message does not go amis, and is extremely helpful in keeping a happy, gelled marriage together.

Deep breathe and blow out all that rage.............and try it, it works. :-)

he has the same diary as me, and I have written my shifts in it. And as to my quick change tomorrow, he knew full well what hours I was working cos he commented on it....he just can't say "no" when they phone him up!!!

It's like he is the only one they rely on to go in at short notice, and it annoys me so much cos it's not as if they pay him enough to do this!!

I told him, if he earned 3 times what he does, I would just grin and bear it, cos it would be worth it...

he went in to work last night to fix a break down, promised me he would likely be home by midnight, and it was 7am before he got home...

He thinks he is doing well by doing all this overtime, but we spend so little time together, and it's starting to cause friction now :(

and it annoys me cos I bet his company think they can call him cos he doesn't have kids etc...no just 5 dogs...luckily I have a good dog-sitter who can usually come over on short notice.....I'm still not happy about it tho

I understand now, I guess he does not wish to let people down at work, but you are right your relationship is more important.

Depends how far you wish to push things though, you have 3 options before things get out of control and how much you can call his bluff,

1. If you packed a bag for him and said you love overtime so much so sleep at work and look as though you meant it would he walk out or realise he is blowing his relationship?

2. He knows you are upset but somehow he continues to do it, you need to sit him down and ask why? Calmly, when we shout at each other no one listens only to their own argument.

Perhaps as you say, he is taking you for granted knowing that you are always there, that does happen.  Is your relationship happy apart from this? If there are other things too.

3. Suggest relate, tell him you are worried about your relatiohship, lack of understanding and respect, don't be embarrassed to go to somewhere like that, sometimes one or both in a couple need a third party to get a message across and the error of their ways, when two people know each other so well, they know what they can get away with, with a third party saying it, it goes in and they listen.

It needs to be sorted as it is causing you pain and upset and if he sees that and does nothing you need to act, a seed of resentment just grows and grows until it takes over and you see and hear nothing else.

The other possiblility may be that he is just not assertive enough at work, perhaps a book or a course of assertivenss may help too. :-)

Saying no at work can be very difficult for some people, they feel that if they say no it will count against them.  I know plenty of people where I work that will (and do) work ridiculous hours becuase they feel it is expected of them, the thing is that most employers don't actually realise that people are doing this and it does them no good.

Perhaps the two of you should try and discuss it calmly and try and work out how to handle it, he may feel under a lot of pressure (real or self inflicted) to do the overtime it may help you both to move on if you both understand why he is doing this.  It may also be an idea for him to talk to HR at work to see what the company line is on this.

dont understand why you are upset? hes doing it for the money isnt he? i dont understand why you wont get any sleep either?

I'm upset because I finished work at 7am this morning, I had to get home, feed the dogs, take them all out, try and go to bed for 2 hours before getting up, taking them out, and getting ready to come back for work at 3pm this afternoon. He left the house at 0530 this morning to go to work.

He was meant to be on day off today, which should have meant that I would get in from work, and go to bed until 2 pm, knowing that he would be seeing to dogs whilst I slept...

does this make sense now??

So now I feel irritable and tired, and if I don't laugh about it I'll cry!

no money is worth this to me, I'm run down enough as it is right now without having to deal with his attitude. He doesn't think, and that is the top and bottom of it. He agreed to the shift because all he thinks about is the money. Well somethings got to give. And I guess it will be me. Again.

My husband is the same and his answer...'well I like to keep on the right side of the boss', doesn't matter if he keeps on the right side of me though!  I totally understand but sadly don't have an answer as I go through the same albeit not too often, but he will drop anything for work!

I'll be honest and say I can't really see why you're so upset. I'm guessing because you're tired, are your own shifts always so taxing? Maybe you could consider cutting back on your shifts a bit if hubby is working all hours? :-) You've got 8 hours between your shifts, give the dogs a quick run and then grab 5 hours sleep. That's what I usually do if for some reason I'm doing a back shift, maybe for a day off or overtime. I find 5 hours sleep is fine as you'll be sleeping that night again. Leave a note for hubby saying the dogs have only had a quick run, can he take them out when he gets in. Lets be honest, if there was someone else in the house seeing to the dogs they'd probably keep you awake :-)

I feel a bit sorry for your oh to be honest, he sounds like a nice guy who doesn't like to let people down?

Mmm taking five large hounds out for a 'quick' run, takes quite a considerable amount of time.

Plus if Dearlady were to just go to bed, they would effectively have been on their own a loooooooooong time which would be unfair on them.

Dearlady - i fink hes bein a git.. he knows you dont sleep so well, he knows you need what sleep you can get so to take extra shifts with little/no notice when he knows you have an awkward shift pattern coming up IS inconsiderate.

How you explain this to him without it going in one ear and out the other, or starting an almighty row, i dunno though :(

wee on his cornflakes.

(btw. joke!!!!!!)

Try having a husband in the forces. Goes away for five weeks then a few days before he's due home you find out that he won't be back until the following week which is what happened to me tonight. Phone calls are so expensive that it's limited to the odd few minutes here and there. Having elderly parents (in 80's) who are both unwell so that you spend most days helping them (shopping etc) and taking them to see their docs for various appointments up to three times a week for the last month. Having Mum who had an operation last week, journeys to and from the hospital. Looking after a home, doing a part-time job, and walking the dog everyday, twice - which is normally shared with husband.
At least you can have an argument with your husband - I'd dearly love to have mine here, just for a few minutes so that I can tell him about how tired and worried I am about Mum & Dad and just have him here to comfort me when I cry.
Sounds like you don't have too much to be cross about - disappointed maybe. Mine doesn't get paid overtime - the annoying bits just come with the job and I'd never make him feel guilty because of it.
Just make sure that when you are together you make the most of the time.

I may well be shot down in flames for saying this, but you are saying how your husbands work is affecting you and your marriage. Have you really reflected on how YOUR work might be affecting your husband? Maybe  he is struggling to cope with your working patterns. Your shift pattern today is in breach of the European working time directive, in that you are by law entitled to an eleven hour break between shifts. This directive is in place because researchers have identified that not getting long enough breaks between shifts causes excessive tiredness and stress. It is  a health and safety issue. Is there any way that you can review your own working hours...because it could be your own work patterns leading to high stress levels and making you more likely to get angry with your husband. It sounds like you are working too hard. If you genuinely feel that you woudl rather have more time and less money, then you should sit down with your husband and work out how to sort that. Maybe you can both look at your working patterns together. It might help if you avoid fast turnaround shifts for the time being......even if hub is there to look after the dogs, its not enough time to sleep effectively.

Pinklillies...you should not be shot down for an excellent post. Along with others who have been positive and not chastised the husband. Although she may not feel like it at the moment, the OP is very lucky she has a husband who wants to work, and work hard with long hours to keep them going. I'm sure when rested she will see this. There is nothing worse than fast shift changes and tiredness to make you see things in an awful light. I have a friend whos hubby is a lazy ***, would rather be fishing....so she has built a life for herself and one day...but thats a different story.

I would take all the positive advice offered. Your marriage is worth more than constant work, see if there isnt something you can do to meet each other. All the best and ((((HUGS)))))

I agree that you need more space between your shifts. Tiredness is the worst food for stress!!

When you are stressed out and tired things can always seem worse than what they are. I would agree that you need to sit down and talk to your hubby if after a good rest you are still upset about it. Despite everyones opinions if you are upset then you have every right to be, different people live different lives and what is acceptable for one person may not be acceptable for another. Good luck ;-)

my hub is away a lot too and now the kids are at uni (1 to go) my life revolves around working when my dogs wont be left alone for too long. if i said anything to my hub i would get the usual retort- they are your dogs, you wanted them! hows that for an insensitive pig!

In response to sara1bee, I have 4 dogs who are my responsibility, agree its nice to have a partner interested in dogs and willing to helpout, but I chose to have my dogs and I wouldn't consider my OH 'an insensitive pig' if he chooses to do other things with HIS spare time.
Angela

pinklilies - I wouldn't shoot you down in flames either - I am fully aware that the shift arrangement I was on is against working directives, but it was discussed with OH before I agreed to do the shift, I knew it would be difficult, but as he was supposedly on day off it was manageable. What really infuriated me was that not only had this been discussed with OH before the shift, but also he was reminded for 3 days running up to the shift, cos I know what he's like when they ring him to go in....

he was called in to work on the Sunday, no problem as we were both off, I did a 10 hour shift on the Monday before the quick change and yes I was tired and stressed about him going in to work. I am more annoyed about the company he works for. He is regularly called in and they seem to rely on him way too much. We both work shifts which isn't normally a problem, the dogs are a priority for me and I'm the one who tweaks my shifts if I can see an issue with the dogs, but I can't always do that. I rarely ask him to change his shifts, and I work round him as much as possible.

I'm really sorry that I felt the need to off-load on here, obvioulsy I have no right to be upset about anything

Of course you have a right to be upset, you had an arrangement and he chose to do his own thing despite that. I suppose that people are just looking at it from another point of view and maybe you will too with the benefit of hindsight :-) . I know exactly how you feel as my OH is exactly the same - his work always has to come first and after 23 years of marriage I still have no idea what his finishing time is. Everything else seems to be my responsibility (I work full time too ), because although he will do things, he always has to be asked or reminded to do anything for me or the kids or the dogs. It drives me nuts too and if sounding off on here helps you then you go for it girl, better than letting it all simmer inside!

it was discussed with OH before I agreed to do the shift, I knew it would be difficult, but as he was supposedly on day off it was manageable. What really infuriated me was that not only had this been discussed with OH before the shift, but also he was reminded for 3 days running up to the shift, cos I know what he's like when they ring him to go in....


There is no need to defend yourself DEARLADY, the point is an arrangement was made for a difficullt working shift, you discussed it, reminded him, and he still went and did his own thing, he did not put up any resistance when discussing it did he?  So what he did was completely out of order.  It doesn't matter what the subject is if you discuss it and come to an arrangment together, neither should change it, it is one of the golden rules to a happy marriage.

It is all well and good saying that you had so and so hours to sleep, but you have to be able to fall asleep, and you can only sleep when relaxed and knowing you don't have to get up again to look after the dogs, I know I can't sleep when I know I have to wake up at a certain time to do something, not to mention the dogs were left alone, (even though upstairs) for a long time.  Hubby should have walked the dogs that day, been there to care for them and allowed you time to relax and sleep, does he think you are wonder woman or something. **rolleyes**

You had everything arranged and sorted so that yourself and the dogs had time for everything, you gave notice and then he still took overtime. Bang out of order!

He needs a very serious talking to. :-(

I know how you feel, my hubby has extremly long hours in the summer, not sure how this summer is going to be since his accident cause he's suppose to be on light duty and not be standing all day- Mind you when he is home he does make or help out with supper which is great because I hate cooking. I do the house work, all pets are mine to deal with even his finches and boy are they messy... I remember when he first started this job he was never home, he worked at like 1-9pm which was more like 1 till sometimes 5am at times. When I got up for work he'd be sleeping, come home and he wouldn't be here, he'd come home I'd be sleeping with that I had a full time job and children to deal with as well and the house. His job is not just a mon-fri its pretty much 7 days a week- stuff has to go out he has to go in and make it. I would make supper and bring it to work for him just to have those couple of minutes with him even tho he worked and ate he never sat down... Yup can be hard and I needed a job that could work around his cause I have the kids to worry about, now our daughter has a job so now driving her as well... It never ends- Can't wait to work when your young cause well its fun then you realize this is just the beginning of everyday of your life- lol said that to our daughter :)

Best of luck Iam sure you two will work something out :)

> I'm really sorry that I felt the need to off-load on here, obvioulsy I have no right to be upset about anything

Of course you have!!

Better to offload on here than bottle it all up ;-)

i live alone during the week til either friday or saturday when my fella comes home for 1 or 2 nights..
i had an operation 3 weeks ago which means i cant walk now for about six weeks..initially he took 2 days off work and stayed here for 4 days  but then went back to work.he is off to Ireland this saturday, then onto the isle of man which means i wont see him for 2 weeks!
he also works abroad a lot and i am left to do everything and believe me everything goes wrong when he isnt here!!!!!
i have 2 dogs that need excercise 2-3 times a day..my little lad always breaks something when i am left in charge!
but all this is about to change..
my fellas job is being relocated and we are all moving..so we will be living together for the first time properly and
to be honest i am more scared about that!
maybe i will be writing on here that he is driving me mad with his selfish ways and i cant wait in a weird sort of way..
i hope you manage to get your problems sorted out but always remember men are wired completley differantly than women and dont think before they speak...

I am not trying to criticise you DEARLADY but merely was trying to give some constructive advice ( you did after all post on a public forum, so I was assuming that advice was what you were after :-)  ). Having worked in intensive care for many many years, providing on call services, bank holidays, weekends, christmas days etc, I am in a position to fully see the effect that overwork can have, because my own shift patterns do the same to me. I have also seen the effect it has on partners. Of course you are entitled to be mad at your husband if you feel he let you down.....but if its bothering you that much, its something you really have to sort out with HIM, because only you and he know the full situation. There is not a lot of point being angry about the company he works for....unless they are breaking the law in some way, there is little that can be done. Particularly if your husband himself is happy with the working arrangements. Maybe the problem lies slightly deeper than just shift patterns....sounds more like you feel he is letting you down in general.  I would recommend RELATE for these type of issues if you cant come to some agreement together. Resentment about these issues can grumble on for a long time and be very destructive.

I think some of you are a tad harsh.. Dearlady stated in her post she HAD had it out with her husband, and she had discussed the awkward shift pattern with him on several occasions before hand.

Is it NOT ok to have a rant and get things off ones chest on here from time to time? I see many other people doing it every day and I rarely see them being told they are being upset over nothing or they should be grateful for what they have or they should change their shift patterns (not actually possible in Dearladys job).

If we arent allowed to have a bit of a rant from time to time things DO boil over and get too much and cause problems, most of us come here for support and it must be a bit gutting to come and find people saying you are whinging about nothing, or that you should drop everything and prioritise hubbys work over your own (do we not do equal rights on here, should we all kowtow to our male partners every whim purely because they are male?).

sometimes we all need a rant.... i know i do on a daily basis lol, life and the daily grind can get on top of you, that's why we have  idle chat and foo where we can talk freely on non dog topics and if we want to have a moan then so be it. :)

Theemx - I completely agree with you. As the saying goes "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" ;-)

We have been married 17 years now (not either of us's first marriage) He works 7:30am until he has had enough. Me 7:30 - 5pm. We own our own business, at weekends he often works. When we were fist married I felt that everytime his boss snapped his fingers my OH jumped.
we had some great rows and  13 years ago he took redundancy and we set up this business. This year after losing a surveyor I have been informed no holidays!! I cant print my reply. He is great walks the dogs does absolutley no housework, but likes cooking I don't.
Does your husband have good points, are they better than his bad points? OH writes his meetings on a diary so do i but he never looks at the diary, but I am meant to. One week I worked tuesday pm and he worked Wed/Thr/Fri and went off with the scouts sat& Sun. But I would not ever like to be without him in my life, he makes me safe.
If you really feel upset and feeling like leaving sit down and talk about it.
Maybe one of you needs to change their job, you work to live not the other way around.
I like to have me time now I am older, why don;'t you have a bit of me time to see if he misses you! might work wonders.
He probably did not give you a thought, they do that, that is why we multi task and they do not!! OH would just accept I would not mind, he dosen't its a man thing I am afraid. They really aren't like us at all Oh and read a great book  "why men dont ask and women cant read maps" fantastic had me in hysterics as it had my OH to a tee, and me.
Apart from that good luck..

> I'm really sorry that I felt the need to off-load on here, obvioulsy I have no right to be upset about anything

You have the right to be upset about anything, no matter how petty it may seem to anybody else, if something in your marriage bothers you then it is a problem.

My Oh works far too much, he's self employed so I can see why he takes on as much work as possible while it's available, but it still leaves me feeling like I'm 'left holding the baby' :( I tend to grin and bear it, it seems to be me that always puts up with things which leaves him free to do what he likes. It's very hard as I know he is working for the good of us, his family, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it :( I do appreciate that he must be the most hard-working man in the world though, I really don't know how he carries on.
I have talked with OH about his work load, but he says he feels like he is the one that should be providing for his family and if he doesn't do all the hours he doesn't make the money so he feels like a failiure, he knows I don't think of him as my personal bank and I would much rather have time with him, but there's no way to change how he feels :(

I know, given the same situation as you, then my OH would do the extra shift :(

I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know I think I know how you feel - bottom of the list of priorities :(

wanted to let you know I think I know how you feel - bottom of the list of priorities

I can relate to that and I suspect most married women can :-D :-D , I come somewhere below...  his work, his father, his customers, football, the dogs, No 1 daughter ......... :-D :-D

Hi Dearlady.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone - most people go through periods in their marriage like you are going through now.  The good news is that it can be worked through.  One organization that can help is 'Care for the Family'.  They aim to promote strong family life.  Here is a link

http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/information/info.asp?artid=95&infocat=1

I haven't had much practice at links so I hope it works but you could always google it if it doesn't.  There are lots of other related articles and they also provide a support network for those who need it. 

Hope this helps.