I would love to hear your opinions on my bratty little niece :rolleyes:

The story is,my sister was with her partner(not kids dad) for nearly 10 years,they lived together as a family,they also broke up a few times inbetween.Toward the end my sister and OH were having ripper fights and he often said very mean things to her which the kids overheard.However through all of this he and Ashlee(niece) always got on and she really adored him,and for a long while afterward she really wanted them to get back together.

Anyway,around 12mths ago they broke up,and each bought their own house.3mths ago they started seeing each other again,just going out on dates and such,he kept coming around and hassling her to go out until she gave in. Now Miss Ashlee is not impressed with this at all,she is very clingy toward her mother and wants her all to herself and even admitted that she should wait until she's older and moved out before my sister gets another boyfriend

So the point of the story is Ashlee's complete and utter rudeness toward this guy! He wanted to come around on christmas morning to give pressies and be with them but Ashlee had a pink fit so my sister didnt let him come around.He did however come around christmas night,he said hello to Ashlee and she gave him the most filthiest looks and walked off,she refused to open the gift he got for her!After a couple of hours she marches out of her room and said to him "Are you still here,isnt it time you went home" in a really nasty way.
If my sister goes to walk him out to his car after a visit Ashlee screams for her not to go out with him,tears and all.I think she does this because she knows they will have a kiss and cuddle.

Bottom line is that she is a rude,inconsiderate brat,she talks to him like sh*t,and on top of this also treats her grandma(my wonderful mum) like an idiot,she called her senile the other day when my mum was trying to have a joke with her
She is 13 years old and is the only kid i have ever met that can shut you down with a glare and make you feel like an idiot if you try and joke arond with her or say something she doesnt approve of!
My sister coddled her after she divorced her dad,over 10 years ago, and felt guilty for years afterward and let her get away with murder.

So i guess my question is how should my sister handle it? At the moment she just tells her to Stop it! and thats all.I feel like dragging her by the ear and telling her to stop being so damn rude and deal with it! It's even more heartbreaking because HE is so understanding and really sticks up for Ashlee when she acts up and says he understands her feelings,he is being more than forgiving with her.

Anyway i could go on and on about the horrible way she treats him and the things she has said,but i hope i have given you the general gist of the story.

What would you do?

a 13 year olds hormones are all over the place, and she probably misses her dad!!

it will work out, but in the meantime she could probably do with a bit of support from her auntie, to let her realise that shes not going to the back of the line now this new guy is here :)

Maybe you could do something special with her?? she probably could do with someone to talk to.

Believe me, even if everyone else saw the split coming - the little girl didn't - and her world has been ripped apart, she probably thinks that if shes nice to this guy shes betraying her dad in some way :)

and just reread the post so you can ignore half of that :rolleyes: maybe she thinks that when he left he abandoned her too?? and shes pissed off with him for it?

Either way i think she has more going on than shes letting on xx

But they divorced over 10 years ago when she was barely 3 years old.She has a great relationship with her dad and see's him every weekend aswell as during the week,she also gets on fine with his wife.This guy's not new,they were together for years.

I've tried talking to her but we arent close,i've never taken her anywhere, and she would probably be to embarrassed to go out in public with me,she makes my mum drop her off away from the shops or wherever she's being taken to incase her friends see.My mum offered to take her clothes shopping but she refused because it's dorky to be seen out with grandma.None of the other grandkids are like this.

She's honest with my sister,and admits she doesnt want to share her mum with anyone else,be it him or anyone else.It's just the utter rudeness and nastiness and contempt she treats him with,and yet before they started seeing eachother again she thought he was the bee's knee's

Edit: Replied before i saw your edit :D

Just one other point. Re: your niece being rude to her grandmother when she made a joke with her, many teenagers loose their sense of humour big time for a few years, what we think are little jokes and funny send ups that in the past may have been met with a giggle and funny remark back, suddenly are looked upon as serious, teenagers are very sensitive, many take everything the wrong way and are very self critical and many are extremely pesimistic as opposed to their usual younger optimistic ways, humour takes a major bypass straight to their feet. :-D

All are different and luckily mine still enjoy a good laugh at themselves and with us about things, though they try to be more grown up than us about things and are more serious, teenagers seem to think that serious is being grown up! :-) I've seen plenty of strops from nieces and nephews myself, it is hormones as others have said, and with respect to your niece added to problems with break ups, etc she is not in a happy place. :-(

The phrase walking on egg shells comes to mind. It is very much needed here. ;-)

I'm very pleased that your sisters OH (ex-partner) has a relaxed attitude to her, and to be honest that is what is needed.  When she kicks off, your sister should ignore her, when being overly pretentious, let her kick up, scream, cry.  As long as your sister also gives her plenty of time and does things alone with her too, she will get used to the fact she can not have her own way all the time.

If your sisters relationship with this man does get quite volatile again as in the past, then they should stay in seperate homes and your niece should not see anymore of this, it is no good for her to see.

Otherwise, Patience, time and understanding will heal the rifts, everyone needs to be happy, but everyone needs to have give and take. :-) And her mood swings need to be ignored.

She's jealous, poor girl. The teenage years are horrendously upsetting! The girl's had a somewhat unstable childhood with mother and 'stepfather' breaking up a few times, which children deal with differently to adolescents with their surging hormones which chemically re-wire the brain as well as change the body. Now she finds the upheaval hard to deal with so reacts in the way teenagers do - the typical 'Kevin' strop!

The best way to deal with it IMO would be to calmly tell her that her behaviour is unreasonable and rude. It's such a shame that she was taught ("my sister and OH were having ripper fights and he often said very mean things to her which the kids overheard.") that rudeness is a grown-up thing. :(

Without being personal towards your sister, I would say it sounds as if it's long overdue that more effort was made into providing a stable life for the child, which seems to have been lacking. I don't think I'd be calling the neice bratty - it sounds as if she will be reluctant to get close again to someone who disappears on a regular basis, and who she remembers having frightening fights with her mum.

M.

I think the poor kid is feeling insecure, after all if she gets close to this guy again, what's to say he won't leave again? I agree, she needs stability.
As for the rudeness to her Grandmother, I think someone should explain how people get upset by this kind of behaviour and make it clear it will not be tolerated.

Thanks so much for your replies.It really does help to hear others points of view.To highlight how bad she has been,my mum,the patron saint,the best mum and grandma in the world,the one who does anything and everything for us kids and grandchildren has had it up to the back teeth with Ashlee,i never ever thought i would see the day.It's hard,because she is the only one of the nieces and nephews who has this attitude.

So,thus far the general concencus is that my sister should ignore her remarks,and also when she says rude things to OH,right? My advice was more leaning toward punishment for being rude to adults,not a good idea?

What about the comment she said to my sister "I want you all to myself" What does this tell you? She is a great mum and not at all neglectful,although she has been spending more and more friday and saturday nights out and about which bothers me a bit.I'm not a party animal or social butterfly,so i cant say if this is normal or not.My sis is 40.

Thanks again,your replies are very helpful.

And just to reiterate she is what most people would call a spoilt brat as is her sister to a lesser extent,they are not used to the word NO! My sisters other daughter threatened to smash her  face in the other day

There is only one person to blame for her being a spoilt brat I'm afraid, are you really surprised she wants her mum all to herself if mum never says no to her?:rolleyes:
Is she the eldest grandchild, by any chance? Teenagers have changed an awful lot since we were there!

To be honest I don't blame the child at all.  Her mothers relationship with her step Father had been tempestuous causing instability in her life.

Children need to feel safe and routine is very much part of this.  As a parent the children's interests really do come first.

At thirteen a child is not mature enough to express themselves in the best fashion.  her acting up is likely to primarily be a sign of her unhappiness.

While my children were small I always promised myself they would come first and I would not start any relationship as the chances are always high that it will cause heartache if it went sour, they had already to endure one loss when I parted with their father.

They are now 16 and 20 of an age to become independent  or almost so, so if I were to enter into a relationship now it would only primarily affect me alone.

Please take everything I say with a grain of salt as we are childless but my first read is that Ashlee has a realistic attitude that perhaps her mother should pay more attention to.  Mother's time with this fellow has been fraught with break-ups, mean sayings and he has "hassled" her?  My take is, this guy is controlling, perhaps stalking (hassling) and it sounds like the kind of abusive (verbal abuse) relationship we all read about, with kind loving behaviour one time and not another.  Ashlee is only 13 and expressing her feelings the only way she can, by childish acting out, because she is a powerless child.  But only Ashlee seems to realize that perhaps mother's relationship with this fellow has had all the chances it deserves and it is time to move on.   ?????  

Firstly child is brought up by a man who has  been her dad.  She has, it appears, a strong attachment for him.  Then things go wrong and the parents start arguing, which is very traumatic for children.  Before they split she had to hear the arguments and the hurtful things said about her mum.  This would have been extremely confusing for her to deal with emotionally as she has strong feelings for both of them.  It was probably very upsetting when they split but also somewhat of a relief.  The family would have gone through a period of grieving especially as the children have in effect lost their dad.  Then there comes a point of resignation and peace where the family go forward with a new home and settle down and then hey presto the man returns.  The child will not have wanted to have to go drag up the emotional hurt that she went through that has probably buried in the back of her mind all this time. The fear of having to relive the emotional upset by going through the same old cycle is probably just too much for her and now she is rebelling.  Teenagers often rebel anyway but IMO this child has a good excuse.

The best thing for the child and mum is that the man does not come back into the family unless they are all in total agreement that this is the best thing for all of them.  Personally, I would be concerned that the reasons that caused the break in the first place will have been brushed under the carpet rather than addressed and resolved, in which case, the same old problems will eventually surface. Sometimes people just have to acknowledge that although they have feelings for each other they are not necessarily good for one another.

There is no good reason for the child to be rude to her grandmother but in my experience, punishment doesn't work.  Children often lash out at the ones they know love them unconditionally because it is safe for them to do so.  Often just pointing out how much they have hurt the person they love can strike a chord, although this should not be done in anger or when the child is having a hissy fit.  Catching them when they are calm and you are calm works best. Suggesting they apologise for how much they have upset someone is a start.  Teenagers can be so self centred they don't even realise the damage they can cause.

As for the ex-partner, well of course he will put up with Ashlee's behaviour, he's not likely to alienate himself from your sister by retaliating against Ashlee. Clearly, he's not daft.

Maybe your sister needs to read this!

If a child
   
If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.

Amanda Cater

I came from a very unstable family home, mother divorced violent father when I was 6, saw the brunt of his fists on mum and also myself. Mum then married again to an awful step father who made no attempt to even be nice to me. She then divorced again and met another guy who even though was nice to me I felt threatened by as we had been through so much. I feel for Ashleigh as I went through a very rebelious stage, running away, being rude, getting into mischief at school etc. That was my way of making myself heard. At such a tender age with hormones raging too, the poor girls world has come crashing down again, the step father who in her eyes was a stable reliable person dissapeared from her life, she then got stability with her mum and just her, she is bound now to feel frightened that the same thing will happen again. In her eyes the only thing that is stable is when she is with her and her mum alone, I feel she feels that this guy will come along again and rock the boat. I really do feel for her as I was what I am sure people would now call a 'spolit' brat. She will overcome the problems given time, security and love