Just wondered what some of your thoughts are about becoming an older mum.  My new partner would dearly love to have children, but my age really puts me off as I'm just over 41 now, and he doesn't even want to think about trying for one until next year, when I will be 42.  I just think that to have a first child at the age of 42/43 is far too old.

What do you think ????  :D

I think you should go and speak to your doctor first :) That's the best person as they will know your medical history. There are problems with having children at an older age, your pelvis and muscles really won't want to put up with the trauma as well as if you were a teenager :D A lot of women have waited until they were older for various reasons, whether it was work related (they wanted a career first) or they just weren't ready for children, so you won't be the first older mum.

I was 34 when I had my 3rd child and I don't have the same patience that I had with my older 2. She does seem to need more of my time, but that could be because the other 2 were only 3 years apart, whereas there are 12 and 15 years between them and my last one.

I have 4 children. I had my 1st at 22 when I had endless energy, I had my 2nd at 28 - plenty of energy, recovered from the birth quickly, 4th at 32 (harder to recover, sleepless nights hard), 4th at 34 (and its nearly flaming killed me!).

I'm not sure whether its the fact that I have 4 thats draining, or the fact that I had Noah quite late on by my own standards - but recovery has been hard physically and the lack of sleep and energy requirements have been hard.

You won't want to hear this - but I wouldn't be wanting my first into my 40's. But if you're only having one perhaps it will be easier?

It depends on how you feel. :-) 

When you have your first child younger, the nappies, the prams, the 24/7 watchful eye, the schooling and energy needed doesn't faze you, when you have gone through that stage and your children are more independant, for an older woman the thought of doing it all again for many, is like noooooo........ been there done it.

But if in your 40's and this is your first child you haven't done it, so the high energy, excitment and feelings of younger mothers is still there in you, infact you are older and wiser. I agree with the doctors check just to make sure you are fit and well, but if you are feeling maternal (not just for your hubbys sake) then be a mum.

People in their 40's today, well really they look like they are in their 30's, could be the hairstyles, the healthier living, the way we live our lives, but today 40 just isn't old. When I reached the big 40 hubby and I did contemplate another child and I would happily have had another alas it was not meant to be, but having 2 boys already it didn't matter too much. (Well, it did, but what can you do. ;-)  )

Sorry to be really morbid, but I guess you have to think of it, my only downside thought was that my oldest friend's mother had her when she was 40, and by the time my friend was 28 sadly her mother had died from cancer, so she no longer has a mum now, but I guess that can happen at any age, we do live longer nowadays too. :-)

If a child is born into a loving home, with two parents who want it, teach it, care for it, no more can ever be wished for, if you really want a little one with all your heart go for it.  I'm sure you will be a great mum.  Age certainly has nothing to do with that.  :-)

Good points there :)

As the child of older parents, I would say go for it, if it's what you want and not just what hubby wants. Mum was 42 when she had me, she married my Dad a year earlier. At school I was teased a bit, with the other kids referring to my parents as Granny and Grandpa, but these days I think it's far more common to have older parents and I think I've grown up into a pretty well-adjusted adult.

My Mum always says I've kept her young, she is now a spritely 85 year old, who still drives. Unfortunately my Dad, who was my best friend, died, aged 63, when I was just 26.

If you are fit, willing and able, age doesn't really come into it.

What do you think?

I'm the youngest of my siblings (three of us).  My mum fell pregnant with me accidentally at 38 (8 years after she had my brother), and had me at 39.  I don't feel she was too old by any stretch of the imagination (and there's not much between 39 and 42 ;))and I wouldn't change things for anything.  It's all bout how you feel I think - mum managed admirably, not only did she raise me well and managed with my brother (not the easiest child :rolleyes:) but she went on to get a degree in teaching which she complete at 54.

My mum was 42 when she had me and I absolutely hated it.  I had much older brothers and sisters and I hated that too.  My parents always got mistaken for my grandparents and my sister for my mother!  Even now my sister is the same age as many of my friends mums!

I vowed never to have children when I was old so I had my first at 22, second at 23 then my third at 32.  It was MUCH harder work when I had my third and I really noticed the difference in energy levels but perhaps because I had two others as well.

ALL of my children now think that I am old, probably in the same way that I did.  When waiting at the school gates I always felt so sorry for those children who had older parents, but my own upbringing played an enormous part in that thought process.

You'll find we all have different experiences of age/childbirth but if you are happy with the healthrisks and invasive tests you may have to go through and you feel it's the right thing for you and your partner then do it! 

My BIL's sister had a first baby last year at 43. She hasn't had any problems :) My mother had her first child at almost 38 and me when she was 40. I think that what an older mother lacks in energy, she often makes up for with dedication and being prepared to devote more time to the children. Younger mothers are often (not always :) ) prepared to dump the baby on parents, partner etc so that they can go off socialising etc :) :) I never felt that I lacked anything by having older parents, in fact I probably gained :) :) Healthcare for older mothers is usually very good, so go for it :)

Just seen Jackyjat's reply - I have to say that my mother (or father) was never mistaken as my grandmother :D She was, of course like me :D, very young looking :D :D

Also - I would persuade your husband not to wait - no point and conceiving at your age could be more difficult - so don't wait :)

Daisy

Many thanks for all your replies.  Partner wants to wait until things are legal, by that I assume he means marriage first.

One of my main problems is that I never wanted children, but now I have a new partner I'm not so opposed to the idea, although I will add that I would never have one just to please him, I will be 100% sure that its what I want too before going into it.

Oh well, watch this space I suppose :D

Partner wants to wait until things are legal, by that I assume he means marriage first.

That's good to read :)  Hope everything works out well for you both :)

:D :D :D

Good luck to you...........
My sister was 40 when she had her first and only child..........no problems (mind daddy was/is 13     years younger!)
My Mum was 41 for me and 43 for my younger sister..........No problems, she was a real cool mum to have as she was very good at initiating things when small community life meant we would normally have missed out.
Karen

My friend and her partner were not going to have children nd then their contraception failed and she found herself pregnant.  She will be 40 in December and is expecting her second one planned for arrival before her 40th birthday in December (baby due in October).  Her son is 3 years old.

Seriously it can take a fair time to conceive at the best of times, and if you were wanting to have a child I would be starting right now with the OK for the doctor of course.  I believe doctors don';t even start any investigations until you have been trying for a year.

Have to say my Friend is a super Mum, and always would have been (she had endless patience with her numerous nephews and nieces and Friends kids).  I am finding teenage kids far harder than motherhood in general, and am 43 now.  I can't imagine how I would cope in 20 years time.

Oh, I don't think you are too old, as long as you really want a baby and have spoken to your gp as others have said.

Yes, when you are younger you will have more energy, but when you are an older parent you will have more patience! 
pros and cons for both - I could do a list but don't think you need one! 

Good luck with whatever you choose :)

My gran had twins at 48 One of them is my dad, mind you she had already had about 8 other kids. My mother in law (OH's step mum) had her first and only at 40. She seemed to manage Ok despite working full time but I always felt a bit sorry for my father in law who has kids age 43, 40 and 15! I always thought it was a shame that he really has had no time in his adult life without kids around (my Oh was born when he was 22 and his youngest son when he was 50). I had mine at 25 and 30 and did think of having another but couldn't face it! If you are happy either way then let nature take its course, if its meant to happen it will, its certainly not all that unusual nowadays.

My Dad is like that, first child born in 1958 and last 1989, 31 years between them.  My little brother is 18 and my Dad will be 73 this year.  For this reason I and my children feel they have missed out of the usual grandfather relationship.

I have experince at both ends of the spectrum , I had Lucy when I was 20 (1975) Luke 21, Thomas 26 and then went on to have Sophie at 36 and Conor at 38 (1993):)

With the older kids I had more energy but less patience. With the younger ones I had less energy but far more patience.

I have never yet been taken for the younger ones Gran :D :D Despite being a none too young looking 52 :D :D I have a MUCH better relationship with the younger ones in their teen years than I did with the older ones as I am much more tolerant now and able to talk to them on a better level than I could talk to the older ones when they were that age :)

42/43 isn't far too old to have a first baby if it is what you BOTH really want :)

I'd say go for it as you both seem level headed waiting etc., and will only do what you want when 100% sure.  I had my first at 21, 2nd at 22! third at 25 and then 4th at 31, youngest all went so quick as I had three under five pre-school can't remember too much but with Hannah born in 93, I loved it, the older ones were becoming independant and they helped me lots, it was much more pleasurable, finanacialy more stable which helped lots too, I don't think mine was my age I don't remember the younger ones, i think it was that I had too much on my plate!  Amy my 23 yr old has a daughter beth who is 3 and pregnant with her 2nd, I'm always with Beth and love my time with her, lots of people think I'm her Mum!  Believe me I love that! 

I personally think oldermums make the best.  My mum had me at 43 at I had everyting, life experience, They could aford to have me, I never went without and my parents never had to scrounge.  I travelled all over the world from the age of 2 un till 11 - what more could a child want.  I dont think young people who cat afford children should be able to have kids - having kids is not a right after all.  'Older' mums make great mums!!!  And for those who say otherwise because their mums looked like their grandparents then  they should look at how they preset themselves.  My mum never looked like a grandmother!

Wanted to add that my best Friends Mum was 42 when she was born as she married at over 40.  I found her much easier to talk to than my own Mum who had me at 17.

She is obviously now in her 80's but was very fit and active and did voluntary work for years after her retirement for age concern where she was often older than those she was helping.  She was/is also a super active grandmother to my Friends children.

I've just had my first child at 35.  Due to having a couple of miscarriages previously I've had many discussions with medical staff at the hospital.  One of the things they said is that it's far more common nowadays for first time mums to be older than in days gone by.  I would agree with what the others have said, if you decide to try for a baby, don't put it off.  You don't know how long it will take you and what lies ahead.  From my perspective, it wasn't as much fun as I was led to believe, but what you get in the end (if you want it!) makes up for all that's gone before.

Good luck whatever you decide. :)

I had my first child at 24 and said NEVER again - and I meant it! (deadly tired, with a child who never slept and was hyper, she wore out anyone who tried to babysit for a few hours!) Then 12 years later changed my mind   I had my second at 37 and it's so different!  I have far more patience, confidence in myself and have enjoyed it far more :)

As has been said, if the doctors OK it and you really want to, go for it ;)

Thank you all of you, well it doesn't seem so bad now, knowing some of your experiences.

As I said, watch this space and I will let you all know how it goes.

Thanks again

My sister is 40, they have 3 daughters ages 16, 14 & 12,  2 weeks ago she gave birth to a baby boy 9lb 6oz with no trouble at all, although she said she finds it really tiring, more so than she did with the girls, in fact she said she feel exhausted most of the time.   She was told due to polysystic ovaries that she wouldn't ever conceive naturally, so hadn't used protection since their youngest daughter was born 12 years ago, so to say it was a shock was an understatement, but they are over the moon, and one the bright side he does have 4 mums now.......lol. his big sisters help constantly.

My friends mum had a 'late baby' when my friend was 18. They already had 2 boys and a girl and the new baby was a boy too. My friend has never had children and says she never will because she says her baby brother was a nightmare :D . She is now in her forties and her 'baby' brother is in his twenties but although she gets on really well with him and both her other brothers had kids she never changed her mind .

> she never changed her mind

Some people do change their mind :) I mentioned my BIL's sister who gave birth last year at 43 :) She had been married for 15 years and always said that she would never have children (she herself was an afterthought in the family, being born just a few months after her oldest sister's wedding :D ). However, she changed her mind once she got to her forties - re-evaluated her life and decided that she did want a child after all. She (and OH) hasn't regretted it and David is now a much loved 1 year old :)

Daisy

This is why I always say to people who have no children and want to be sterilised that they should not do it as even quite late you may regret not having the option.

I agree Barbara, I always said as a teenager that I didn't want kids but have 2. I was really surprised at my friend, I have two other friends who have never had or wanted children either, but i do wonder at doctors who sterilise relatively young women and men who have no children and say they don't want any. I know that what I wanted from life changed dramatically between my twenties and my forties :) . (mind you what I want changes dramatically from minute to minute nowadays :D :D)

Lets face it our ideas in our 20's are different from our 30's and by 40's can change dramatically.

Until my Friend discovered she was pregnant she and her partner of nearly 20 years were adamant they wanted to stay childless, and now she is expecting her second.

Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
I am 30 and have debated being sterilised.
I had my fist at 17, and second at 21. That is it, I dont want anymore.
I dont want to spend my life bringing up children LOL
I didnt have an adult life before kids, so I am going to try my hardest to have them after :D
By the time I am 40 my children will be 23 and 19. I will be able to leave them at home and go travelling etc etc I will have the life most people have before kids. Well thats the plan :)
BUT, I dont think I could be sterilised as it would take the choice away from me!!!
In the 9 uears since my second I have had one scare and that was when I was 23, So hopeing it will carry on like that so I dont have to think about more serious methods LOL
Lea :)

By the time you are 40 they will be 23 and 19, then you can look after your grandchild 'ren' like I do! lol

nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
They will be wearing chastity belts until they are 40 LMAO
Lea :)

One of my concerns when deciding whether or not to have a family was that I didn't want to leave it too late that the decision was taken out of my hands by mother nature and then I couldn't have children and then maybe having to live with that regret for the rest of our lives.  Only you and your partner will know what's right for you and stuff anyone else's opinion IMO. :)

I totally agree. Lots of people think that they have plenty of time left but Nature puts a spanner in the works. The regrets when you realise you've wasted your only chance are hard to live with. Unless you have genuine, serious, unalterable reasons to wait, then don't. Tomorrow, literally tomorrow, could be too late.

Lots of people think that they have plenty of time left but Nature puts a spanner in the works.
Very true. As my mum always used to say ' Those who will not while they may, may not when they will'. :)

If you already have children then I think sterilisation once your over 30 is perfectly OK, even if you regret it, you already have your children. 

To be sterilised when you are childless and then to realise you would have liked to have a child 10 or more years later is different.

I always said I wouldn't have any more children over 30, though I ahven't had the opportunity, and now halfway towards 44 wouldn't contemplate it even if I were in a position to become a Mum again.

I was sterlised when I had Noah and I don't regret it at all. I couldn't go through another c-section - and medically it wouldn't be a good idea either so I am happy :)

Exactly my point, you already have children.

That's why I wonder about my mother Lea! She had me at 17, then went on and had my little brother at 35. :D Did she REALLY want to spend that long raising children?! Maybe it just took her that long to recover from me. :D

Well it hasn't done me any harm :)

I have two children and asked to be sterilised and was told I had to wait until I am 35 incase I have a change of heart doubt it, I love my sleep too much. Good Luck to you if you decide to have children.
Mary