I have run out of ideas and suggestions for my sister who is having problems with her OH!
He has a heart of gold but.......
He swears at his kids when he gets cross with them, and when they wake up after having a bad dream, he trys to calm them down but after about 2 mins just swears at them and tells them to go back to sleep.
He is lacking in personal hygiene i.e not many showers per week, hardly cleans his teeth hardly shaves.
He spends his weekends on his laptop most of the time playing games.
There are lots of things that need finishing off in their house that he has started but not finished, which I know may be the case in most households but it just seems to be never ending!

I do not know what else to suggested to my sister, she has talked to him about the above and things do change for a couple of days but then go back to normal!!  And he wonders why my sister does not want to 'go near him' in the bedroom department!!

If you have any good advice then please share it so I can pass on to her! thank you

It is a difficult one for you, but at the end of the day, your sister is going to have to be the one to sort it out!  It is easy for anyone to say 'do this' and 'do that' but she is the one who lives with him and maybe she thinks that his good points outweigh his bad ones? :)

smash the lap top for a start!!

> smash the lap top for a start

I don't think that that would make matters better ........... :)

Daisy

She needs to give him the bottom line and if it is worth working out they must both do it.  If he can't be bothered to make the effort then nothing she says or does will change him.  If he has always been like this then not a lot of hope really, but if not then maybe they need to have a good heart to heart away from the kids and computers for a weekend.  Try and find what they once had and maybe get back on track. 
Wish her luck, not easy.

ditch him

It is difficult. Poor personal hygeine and lazyness are one thing but lack of tolerance towards his own children - thats a sackable offence in my opinion.

Does he work?  If not, and it seems on the face of it that he doesn't, then he might have slipped into the doldrums, low self esteem etc.

:rolleyes:

Daisy

Daisy, I'm disappointed with the :rolleyes:  The reason I wondered if he worked was because of his poor hygeine, not shaving etc.  It's one thing not to make an effort with your partner but another not to make an effort for work.

Mediation is a good idea IMO

Cheryl, I think Daisy was rolling her eyes at Sam's suggestion.  If you click on the little arrow that points upwards on the top right of a post it will take you t othe post that is being replied to...if that makes sense!

Doh! thanks SL.  I'm such a Doughnut at times :)

He does work full time, hours of work vary each day.

I have told her to write down the pros and cons of their relationship and try and work out whats best.
He was not at all like this when they first met, always nicely dressed, shaved, clean and a gentlemen!
He is not a total slob / pig.
The things that really bother my sister are the lack of hygiene and the way he talks to his children sometimes.
She is not sure what would happen if they did split as despite the swearing and lack of patience with he kids, they still love him and miss him when he works away, and she is not sure what would happen with the house that they own.
I think she would like to try and work things out with him (again!)

I was thinking of suggesting to her having a break from him??

Personally, I think that people give up on relationships far too easily :) Especially where children are involved - he's not violent, I assume or a drunk or unfaithful ?? :) I would take him somewhere out of the house and have a serious chat, pointing out all the things that she finds unattractive :( Then, perhaps, suggest that he goes with her to marriage guidance, to chat to a third party. Perhaps, then, he would realise how serious she is about his behaviour. He is obviously not taking her complaints seriously enough :) Anything to avoid the unnecessary breakup of the marriage :)

Daisy

Very sensible advice Daisy.......my comment was rather tongue in cheek although probably didn't come across that way.

>He is lacking in personal hygiene i.e not many showers per week, hardly cleans his teeth

I'm sorry to say this alone would be the kicker for me :(  A shower am and pm accompanied by teeth cleaning,everyday, is a pre-req in this house!I wouldnt let my OH in bed at night if he hadnt had a shower after being at work all day,that is just off.... This accompanied by laziness and treating his own kids like crap would just be too much!
I would suggest a break to hopefully show him what he could lose whilst going to councelling.Even the best marriages benefit from a councelling session every now and then to keep things out in the open ;)

Gemini can you offer to babysit say one set evening a week so they could have some 'me' time? with everyday pressures of work and family commitments sometimes we just dont have time for ourselves i've on occasion been snappy with mine, you can get in the doldrums of the mundane routine of life... Perhaps if they agreed to go out once a week make an effort and spend some quality time together they may appreciate each other more?? just a thought :)

Your sister just needs to tell him how unattractive and smelly he is, I would of thought?

There is, with the greatest respect to you Gemini, only one side of the story here, and even you don't know exactly what goes on with them behind closed doors. Its very easy for anyone to make sweeping statements of how they would react to the given side of the situation, but without actually living it, who knows what the response would really be. Kicking him out because he hasnt showered every day, or a few jobs around the house are unfinished is not the way to go. These are things which can be sorted. You say he has a heart of gold, and he is in full time employment so he is supporting his family. His family love him, so putting the kids and herself through a split or threatened split is of no use at all, neither are ultimatums. I would only say leave if there was violence/threatened violence/abuse/excessive use of alcohol or any use of illegal drugs. There are a good many reasons why he is as he is right now, which could be caused by money worries, stress in job, or more personal things within their relationship. There could be a case here of what came first, the chicken or the egg. It is human nature to hold a little back, so even if you truely believe that what is being said is the whole truth, it may not be the 'true' picture. She may not even be totally honest with herself.
I think they need some outside help. If the children are being snapped at this is not fair to them, but I bet he feels guilty for it afterwards. However, this does need to stop. I think they sound trapped in a vicious circle, and its not all his fault, nor is it all her fault, in fact there is no blaim, they have simply lost touch with each other, which happens in relationships, especially when there are children. It may be that some time away together without the children, with relaxing time to talk, could be all thats needed, with a 'day' off together occasionally with someone babysitting so they can have some personal time together. If this does not seem to be working, them maybe 'relate' or something similar could help. Relationships are hard, and IMO become harder when there are kids to be raised too. I think playing games on the laptop may well be his way of escaping reality, men are not best at talking things through, especially if they think it may cause another row....

I don't think its your sister having problems with her Oh......more that they are experiencing problems together and need some help and support.

It sounds like he is depressed for some reason.  Some of his symptoms (lack of hygenie, self esteem, short temper etc) can be caused by depression, perhaps you should suggest to your sister she should get him to see a GP to find out if there is a problem.

just my thoughts exactly shadbolts ......

Mine too :)

Ditto. These are classic symptoms of depression. The poor man needs help, not criticism.

Well said, Calmstorm, and Shadbolts.  In sickness and health etc. :)  We should all nuture our partners through good times and bad.  Sometimes one is the stronger another time it is reversed.
What about preparing the shower room ready for him, warming a towel, laying out clean clothes, etc. should not take a moment.  Run a nice bath if that is not an issue hot water wise.  She could maybe take time to sit in with him if it is after the kids have gone to bed, let him unwind and listen patiently will he unburdens his day a little, who knows where it might lead ;)

Absolutely agree calmstorm especially with men finding it hard to communicate their feelings.  Problem in many relationships is breakdown in communication.  Things can go on so long and resentment can build to a point that one will either explode in a confrontational way or walk away.  It's difficult to get back on track unless you are open and honest and put all your cards on the table.  Another problem is that couples only tend to see things from their own perspective but in reality changes need to be made on both sides.  If asked, I would expect him to list a lot of gripes he has with his OH afterall he can't be happy can he?

It is great that as a sister you are being supportive but you are only getting one side and the problems probably go a lot deeper than just the hygiene and laziness around the home.  I've been waiting so long for my 'new' bathroom to be finished off that I've told OH that I want a new new one However much the unfinished bathroom niggles me it's not a marriage breaker, but if the marriage was generally unhappy it might be just the sort of thing that's heaped on the pile of discontentment.

Definitely time to seek professional help.  Just talking about getting outside help might shake them both into action anyway.

Hi everyone, thanks for all the input, it has been very useful and interesting.

I have just been to see my sister, she is going to take him out for the evening tomorrow so that they can discuss their problems together.
She is sure she still loves him, probably the old OH not this one!
She has talked to him a few times now over the years to try and sort out things, but this time it s got to make a difference or things may have to take break.
She is also planning on decorating over the weekend and try and cheer things up in the house.
Anyway thanks again xx

Just caught up on this thread. It does sound like he might have something on his mind. Is his job secure? Has he found something healthwise that is worrying him (men get lumps too ;) ) Women are more inclined to share their problems, men keep them close to their chest. I hope they can sort this out.

It may also be that her OH is clinically depressed, not everyone with depression is obviously so ;)  Perhaps a visit to the doctor is in order ;)

Hope they can resolve this for all their sakes

If they can both admit there is a problem in their relationship, and can agree they need some outside help, in whatever form that may be, then they will have made a wonderful achievement at their meal.

Their problems have not occured overnight, and one meal will not end them. I hope your sister will accept that the problems are not one sided, but belong to both parties, and will not nagg at him about the minor things, such as showers, unfinished jobs etc, or threaten to leave him if he does not do as she says in the long term. This will only make him defensive and unwilling to talk, he will feel 'OMG here we go again...' He may also have things about her he is not happy with, things are rarely one sided.  Leave the baggage to be cleared out later, they need to simply agree that they both want the marriage to work and seek help. Then, enjoy the remainder of the meal, being together without the kids, getting a bit of the 'old days' back. Could you, or another family member, have the kids overnight? Sometimes, just being physically close with no distractions can work wonders.

She is sure she still loves him, probably the old OH not this one!

She may be suprised to find that is also how he may be feeling about her too....

She is also planning on decorating over the weekend and try and cheer things up in the house

Why? If the weather is good, get her to take them all out for a family day out......seaside, picnic in the woods, anything just get out and spend some time together in the fresh air away from the house. Clear the head. if he won't go, then go anyway.......its amazing the way getting out of the house can make all the difference. Decorate in the week....or, you have your sisters kids, let them have a weekend away?

To be honest, it sounds a bit as if your sister is fed up with life anyway, maybe her life is stuck in a rut? Does she work? Does she feel trapped at home with the kids and no life? Perhaps if she made some changes to her lifestyle she may become more like she was too. Its something we can all fall into, the trap of everyday being the same. Getting into selfish habits, its life. They can do this together, change the way they live, even if it means having different interests it gives them something new to talk about.

I really feel for them, and the kids, and I hope for all their sakes they can make this work.