I have spoken to my daughter today, and she is now talking about going back to work 2 WEEKS after having the baby, as She will not be able to afford to stay off any longer, she has a house and pays full rent, council tax and all other bills that go with that.  I have told her no way is she doing that as she will need longer off than that.

Going on about pensions, my late hubby worked all his days, and I worked up until I took ill,  and I do not get full state pension, work that one out, because I cant. !!!!!!!  Maybe because he died age 54 years of age, and did not work up until he was 65.

Not sure if this is this is the same link as JG did but give it a try.  There is load of info on SMP etc that she should be entitled to?  Depends of course how long she has worked for her employer.  By law if I remember rightly she has to take at least 2 weeks off following the birth but hopefully the link will give her more info so she doesn't feel like she has to return so soon :(.  The other option is to talk to her midwife who should know more info/leaflets etc or at least know where to get them.

I will try and find out more info but HTH in the meantime.
:)
Kerri x

Also contact your local NCT (National Childbirth Trust).  They sell 2nd hand equipment/clothes etc no longer required by others.  Also Ebay is a good source.  As my son (4th child) was nowhere near planned I had already passed on all my nursery equipment to others so had to start from scratch again :rolleyes:. 

I managed to pick up a travel system (pushchair and baby car seat) for under £35.00 off ebay.  It was only a couple of years old at the time (3 years ago) and when Archie grew out of it, I passed it on to another friend who had a 3rd chid (again totally unplanned, same situ as me :rolleyes:) and it is still being used today. 
Kerri x :)

>she has a house and pays full rent, council tax and all other bills that go with that.

Presumably your daughter will be receiving Statuatory Maternity Pay if her employer does not pay her for her maternity leave.  If so, she will be entitled to Housing Benefit whilst in receipt of SMP which will at least help with her rent & council tax.

Your doctor has to certify you fit before you can return to work after having a baby. There is always the possibility of a C section if things are not straightforward. Having had a C-section myself it is major abdominable surgery and I certainly could not have gone back to work after 2 weeks. Also you are not insured to drive for 6 weeks after a C-section so if she depends on a car to get to work this would make things difficult.

I do sympathise with the financial need to get back to work but thought it was worth suggesting a  few reasons why this may not be possible.

>Your doctor has to certify you fit before you can return to work after having a baby

Since when? I just had my 3rd section and have never needed to be signed off by the doc. Infact, we don't even see a doc at the 6 week check now, the nurse does it! :)

Also, you can go to the doc before 6 weeks to get signed off to drive - I was back driving at 3.5 weeks. If doc agrees you are then insured (worth calling your insurance co to inform them though). However, returning to work would be out of the question I have to agree :)

Becareful, if the forms ask if you recieve any benifits and she does not,DO NOT fill in the forms untill she has had the baby.
As she will NOT be entitled to anythink. Then you can not re-apply for 26 weeks. Then it will be to late. When baby is born, she can apply they have to back date it.

but if you're over the threshold as a "middle earner" you get it in the neck too!

There will always be someone who is just under or just over the threshold and there will always be someone who is getting something that others think they should get as well. Personally I am just glad I live in a country where there is help available if it is needed - I know some people will, and do, milk the system but am glad that a safety net is there for those people who are genuinely in need.

Absolutely. You never know when your life's suddenly going to be turned upside down through no fault of your own.

I am a single professional and  I dont have any kind of problem with paying tax to support those less fortunate than myself. I was just brought up properly with a social conscience I suppose. I just wanted to say that my whole life I put off having children because of the cost issue.....and now I find myself too old to have children. I may have my own house, and a job, but I face a future growing old alone, and will have to use all my finances to pay for residential care in my old age, as i will have no living relatives to help me.   I woudl not make those choices again. If people want to have a family, then they should not face criticism from the financially selfish.

What a wonderfully honest post pinklilies :)

You make some very good points, pinklilies; ones that I hadn't consciously realised before. I hope I don't offend you, because that isn't my intent, but it's true that one of the many reasons people have children is to have someone to call on for care when they need it in the future. For example, my own mother looked after me and my brothers when we were children, so now that she's in need of care herself it's our turn to help her. If she hadn't had us she'd be entirely reliant on other people's children to help her - ie, she'd be costing the welfare state (ie taxpayers) money. As it is she's managed to remain independent with our help and isn't costing anyone else a penny. Because she had children. It's worth subsidising parents now to save more money in the future.

but it's true that one of the many reasons people have children is to have someone to call on for care when they need it in the future.  I certainly didnt have children with that in mind!!! lol i'm of the mind i have lived my life and i wouldnt live it thru my children heaven forbid what a terrible thought to bring children into the world for the sole purpose of looking after me!! :D :D

Not the sole purpose, no. That's why I specifically said it's one of the many reasons. ;) :D We all have a duty of care to our families, both up and down the generations. I'd never forgive myself if I abandoned my own mother to the care of strangers.

I personally would rather be put in a home than be a debt to my children!! OMG its not our god given right to expect it well not in my eyes anyway!! they have given me soo much back in bringing them up as children without the comitment of keeping me in old age...I would be loathe to be put in a granny flat but thats me ..The main reason children take parents in is to protect their inheritance! as the state will take that into account if in a home certainly not by duty of care :D

But my mother brought me up so well I don't feel that's it's a burden to look after her when she needs it. After all, she never let me down so why should I want to abandon her when she needs help in her turn? She doesn't expect it of me but I expect it of me! What a selfish person I'd be to abandon her.

Also it should not be a burden especially if shared by several siblings.  A lot less than bringing up children for 18 years plus surely?

Jeangenie thats you and you are entitled to your opinion but i personally wouldnt hold my children to ransome but thats my experience and i wouldnt put it on my children, i couldnt imagine anything worse to put on my kids!

But my mother brought me up so well
Are you trying to have go per usual?? my father has stuck by me thick and thin of course he doesnt want to be reduced to me wiping his bum or spoon feeding him when the time comes he has brought me up fabulously and i wouldnt expect my children to be the same.. he has a degree of respect for me to see him as he was rather that what he could become and i have the same mindset..... I would do totally anything for my father as he knows but he wouldnt subject me to that nor i my children as i said each to their own..

I hope mygirl that it never comes to the stage that your parents do need care. If it does happen however I think you'll feel differently. I took an indefinite leave form work when my mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. We made a list of all the places she wanted to go to, things she wanted to see and did our best to do them all. Then when the time came that she was no longer able to get out and about I nursed her. I brushed her teeth, took her to the toilet when she could still make it - and emptied her bag when she couldn't move. I help her in my arms while she fell asleep, I gave her her medicines and changed her clothes. I didn't feel like she held me to ransom, or forced me to do these things :rolleyes:  My mother done all these things for me when I was young, there's no way I was going to have her die in a hospital surrounded by strangers. She passed away in her own house, with her dogs lying next to her and her family nearby... wouldn't you want that for the people who raised you?

I'm glad someone agrees that caring for someone else isn't an intolerable burden but instead is something we choose to do. Why should we be made to feel guilty for caring for our parents? We're leaving more time for the paid professionals to care for those who either have no family to care for them or whose families choose not to.

My parents split in the 60's (he left when I was 2).  I didn't meet my father until the 80's.  We saw each other a handful of times a year after that and in 1997 he was diagnosed with a brain tumour at age 58, he asked me to go to hospital with him to get the results and was told it was terminal and he had approximately 12 weeks to live, I told him to move in with me, bearing in mind this man although my Father was a virtual stranger, all he'd ever done since regaining contact with me was throw money at me and my children to compensate for the lost years,  but boy did I feel the need to care for him in his dying hour.  Without being too graphic he lost control of his bodily functions and I cleaned him up and cared for him to the end, almost 12 weeks to the day and do you know I don't regret a minute of it, I didn't do it for money, his wife was still alive and the will gave everything to her, I did it because he was at the end of the day my DAD.  I didn't feel he had put on me, although when he was still coherant he did say 'Lesley are you sure, I was never there for you in the beginning but I will be eternally grateful you were there for me at the end'.  I got to know my dad in the last 8 weeks of his life until he went into a coma and 4 weeks later he died.  The only thing I feel guilty about is that I moaned about the smell sometimes but I can't take that back.

Sorry, I didn't post that for anyone to feel that I did it because I felt I had to, I know there are hospices out there, I can only say I did it from the bottom of my heart and for whatever reason it just felt that it was the right thing to do and I wanted to do it.  I also never moaned to my dad about the smell dont' get me wrong, it was a private moan to my husband but I'll never forget I moaned and wished I never.  I have 4 children and feel that I wouldn't want to be a burden to them but if they wanted to care for me I dont' think I'd refuse either. x

I'm sure nobody's judging you harshly, Lesley; in fact you should be commended for being such a caring person. We all moan from time to time, about our husbands, our children, our dogs, our boss - it doesn't make us Bad People! If people want to look after their families they shouldn't be made to feel they're doing the wrong thing. There are residents in care homes who have chosen to be there, and that's fine, but there are people who dump their elderly pet dogs into rehoming kennels when they get old and their bodies start failing, and do the same with their relatives too.

Oh you brought me to tears.  A good Friend of mine died at home surrounded by her dogs, but had MacMillan nurses looking after her in her last weeks.

Until she was no longer able she had looked after her mother who was 101, and she only outlived her Mum by 6 weeks.

She had never married and had no children, only a brother, who did not live close by.

She was one brave and independent lady, but I feel a loving family around her would have eased things for her in her last days, though the Macmillan nurses are saints.  She had means to pay for her care fortunately otherwise she would have been forced into hospital and not been able to stay at home.

Chaumsong you did your mother very proud i applaud you, its after all my opinion my daughter is disabled she has no control over her bodily functions i spend many a night changing beds and putting her in a bath at 3am i do it without question i love her i've done it for 8yrs and will continue to do it however long it takes for her to be independant from me but i don't want  her to have to do the same for me i would hate for her to feel that she had to or chose to for that matter..Besides that i can totally see myself being an utter horrible old lady that would sit there and wallow in self pity and moan to all and sundry who visited :D

>Are you trying to have go per usual??

That's an offensive personal remark and quite uncalled for. :rolleyes:

How can it possibly be wrong to want to care for someone you love? I'm very sad so many people seem to think that loving and caring is a burden.

I agree with JG, it is already decided that my nan is coming to live with Dan and myself when she is struggling to live by herself. My sister has 5 children and my mum has little patience. This is not to protect any inheritance as there is none left, it is so we know she is happy and cared for. A very good friend of hers who was older had a fall, not serious, and her son who visited once a week at best convinced her to go into a home. She struggled with strangers and within a month she lost a huge amount of weight and became ill. So i think it depends on the person too, some are very set in their ways so nursing homes are uncomfortable for them. My Nan is a bit like this. It wouldn't be a burden either, as she has given so much to us over the years and we are very close. Sometimes we plan days out or things to do in the future, just so we are comfortable with it.

You replied "But my mother brought me up so well " i felt that offensive and highly personal as to imply i had'nt been which i have probably been more meticulously brought up than you have been my father has seen me for 8years as a carer and wouldnt want to put that on me as much as i would give my life and soul to him he just wouldnt have it and i am likewise with my own children.. i have made trust funds so my daughter has provisions as my father has also for her so hopefully my house fully paid for will cover our costs and not be a drain on her.. That of course is my opinion

I implied nothing of the kind. I'm sorry you chose to infer that. Don't waste time searching for hidden messages - they aren't there! :)

>That's an offensive personal remark and quite uncalled for

Oh come on...Something tells me you arent made of marshmallow :D 

Just incase you wernt aware of it,you do have a lot of go's,just sometimes you dont do it in an out and out,upfront manner...

If i were the sensitive type i would have been offended by some of your uncalled for remarks a hundred times over,but luckily i dont get offended easily and can simply ignore them :)

>you do have a lot of go's,just sometimes you dont do it in an out and out,upfront manner...

Untrue. You are imagining hidden messages that simply aren't there.

My mother is in a home - not because we abandoned her, but because she abandoned us, in a way. My parents moved to the Isle of Wight in 1978 leaving my sister and I homeless (OK - we were adults :D ). When she became unable to live by herself and wouldn't leave the village that she lived in, what other choice did we have ???? My FIL also had to go into a home on medical advice. He needed constant care and neither my OH and I were able to provide it due to having to work.

When people go into residential care, it is often not because their families have abandoned them, just that it is not practical for their families to look after them. We would actually be hugely better off financially if we had been able to care for them ourselves :)

Daisy

I have told my mum and dad, AND they BOTH AGREE that if they ever get to the stage they need looking after I will eithr put them in a home or shoot them!!!! Both agree on the shooting!!!!! But also both agree that they would not expect me to look after them. Both my brothers have moved away, but I live near and work for my mum and dad!!!!
I also would not expect my 2 sons to look after me.
I feel so sorry for the people that are left looking after their parents, and I know alot due to my job. And most do not really want to do it. But have to due to feeling obliged (And make a very good job of it I hasten to add)
Lea :)

Lea i couldnt agree more i would be soo loathe to be a burdon on my children i certainly wouldnt expect it as a duty of care!! i would rather shoot myself!!

So, Lea, who do you intend to look after you in your dotage?

It's something I've been thinking about (along with friends and family) - and have decided that maybe two, three or four of us will pool resources, buy a house/flat between us - and pay someone to do the things that we cannot do for ourselves!     Most of us have families who would help - although there are two people I know who haven't married nor had children, through looking after elderly parents themselves.   

Margot

At the moment I am only 29, 30 in a few months, but when I get to that age I will find the best old peoples home I can, dependant on circumstances.
We have one old guy who we have done his garden for years, He was 95 when he decided to go in a home, he had been independant apart from a few home helps and a VERY little help from neighbours for about 5 years, when he fell down a few times. His family went out and found a home for him, under much duress as they didnt want him to go into one,and found one they all liked. Now we have been to see him Numerous times and I would move in there!!!!!
Same as my Great great aunty. She was 100 when she went into a home, ok my nanner did go to her every day, BUT it helped my nanner as she had something to do after being retired for over 15 years when my aunty Doris needed help, also my nanner didnt need to go there as she had all the home help she could wish for and lived uin shltered accomodation for over 15 years!!!!But she did not expect nanner and nanner did not feel obliged to help her. It was just Nanner needed someone and Aunty Dori needed help. Sjhe again went into a home that was absolutly fabulous and died at the age of 100 1/2. Numerous carers came to her funeral on their DAY OFF as they cared so much about her. They camne because they WANTED to, not because they had to. She lived in Bracknell, Berks and I live in Lincs. The crem was packed on the day of her cremation Dec 2004
That is just 2 of alot of people I know who have gone into old peoples homes, or needed help.
so I have not said all of this lightly.
I also have every respect for somebody thart can look after their elderly parents 24/7, I know I couldnt do it.
Lea./

I think it is every childs chose if they want to care for there moms and dads, a lot of people these days lack sentiment,
They wouldn't send there dog away to die with strangers. Not every resedential home is nice, some homes give them drugs to keep them quiet.There are some homes that are good but how would you really know?
Hospices have excellent staff. And some times they are needed, as they can give constant pain relief, which cannot be given at home.
But! If I was to be put in a resedential home it would be time to shoot me.

Pinklilies that was wonderfully honest of you, I know people in your position too.
In particular one friend from school who is actually a child psychologist who adored children and has always had a great rapport with them....but not for career reasons just to busy having a good time, and sorry my friend, but social climbing. She ended up having a hysterectomy in her 40's, distraught to have missed out. But she was truly selfish not building a secure home or future.
Karen:rolleyes:

"I was just brought up properly with a social conscience"

I take exception to your post pinklilies.  Are you suggesting that I was not brought up properly because I resent paying for services for many people who feel it is their right to not work and to claim benefits instead.  i would not consider myself to be financially selfish but have spent many years working with families who are 3rd and 4th generation unemployed through choice. 

Perhaps you view everybody on benefits as needing them due to no fault of their own but I can assure you this is not the case.  there are many people on benefits through no fault of their own but many more abuse the system and I really resent paying for people who have no ambition apart from having children, many of whom then go on to have the same ambition.  I have chosen to focus on a career rather than start a family and as such I know that if or when I do have family I will be in a stable enough situation to provide for them due to choices I have made so far in life - choices which also reflect the way I was brought up.  I am well aware that not everyone holds this opinion but we are all entitled to opinions. 

Reading all these posts the thing that struck me is that it is very difficult to know how anyone would deal with ageing parents until the time comes when you are forced to make a decision.

A close friend of mine put his father into a nursing home because the father had diabetes and gradually lost toes then legs to the disease.  On top of that he had a stroke, was paralised down one side and couldn't talk (although though those of us who knew him well enough could understand him most of the time). He was still a very happy man but how can people who are working full-time nurse someone in this condition?  He benefited from qualified nursing care 24 hours in a nursing home and my friend took him out every weekend to socialise with us the way he had done for many years.  The father remained happy and was very well looked after until he died.

On the other hand there was a disabled man in our Close, who although disabled, looked after himself and his bungalow admirably. He was fiercely independent but unfortunately he had a couple of falls and an occasion when he forgot to take his dinner out of the oven when the daycare bus turned up for him unexpectedly.  Even though as neighbours we kept an eye out for him and his next door neighbour called in on him constantly to see he was ok, his daughter insisted that he was a danger to himself and put him in a home.

Two different scenarios, both end up in homes, but IMO both for different reasons.  I don't think putting parents into nursing homes is a bad thing to do if done for the right reasons.  I hope I don't have to make those decisions though.

I think that you have put it very well, Cheryl :) Popping round and doing a few chores for a parent or looking after them while they have a short term illness is one thing. Dealing with them as they age and are starting to have dementia (or have full blown dementia) is quite another thing. I looked after my aunt for several years when she had a stroke. She was 90 and was partially sighted. She was very demanding, leaving 10 messages a day on my answerphone while I was at work demanding to know why I was ignoring her. She would insist that I came to change a light bulb (it was 12 miles and I had young children to pick up from school after work etc etc). I would get phone calls from her local police station asking me to go and check whether her cleaner had stolen her underwear/pen/book etc as she had reported them stolen. The cleaners never stayed long as she was always accusing them of stealing - she had every door/cupboard locked and kept the keys in her handbag :( This is just the tip of the iceberg ........ In the end she had to go into a home as we could no longer get anyone to come in to clean/cook for her. I had lived with her for a year before I was married and there was NO WAY that I could ever have her to live with us - my sanity/marriage would never have survived :( :( She is still alive at 101, although does't know me any more :(

There is a limit to what every person can do for their loved ones and everyone has different circumstances AND relations :)

Daisy

Cheekychow...exactly where did I mention YOU in my post? I think you are making a bit much of yourself if you think that my post was directed at you. I merely feel that being brought up to empathise with others is a GOOD thing. It is therefore MY opinion that  I was given a good upbringing ON THAT PARTICULAR ASPECT. nothing more. (I was also brought up not to jump to conclusions)

Pinklilies, the reason I assumed the post was directed at me was because you responded to my post - and that response appeared in my inbox.  You figure it out :rolleyes:

Just wanted to mention that sometimes, especially on longer threads like this one, people just put their posts under the last entry - doesn't necessarily mean they are replying to that person. :)

Cheekychow ...As annie has correctly pointed out, I placed my post under the LAST post, as a general response. there is no option on this board to place a post otherwise without starting a new thread on the same subject...which is against the terms and conditions of service. It is usual practice for this to happen on long threads. If I want to respond to you directly I will use your name. Feel free to roll your eyes as much as you like if it makes you feel better.

Why not get your daughter to look on Ebay?  I sold my daughters cot on there.  She'd used it for 18 months, it was practically brand new - excellent condition - with 2nd mattress cover and still with instruction booklet (and I did a fabulous advert), yet because a lot of people absolutely refuse to buy second hand stuff for their babies (I'll never understand that) it only sold for £25.

Your daughter could then buy a new mattress for it (which is always recommended).

All the 'big' items can be bought from there at reasonable prices.

She could also visit local playgroups/toddler groups and leave a 'Wanted' ad on their notice board - it's amazing the bargains you can pick up this way.

GOOD LUCK to your daughter.  I know what it's like to struggle with the costs of everything - but heck, are they so worth it :-)

Helen

We have looked on e bay, but a lot of the items are "collect only" and we live in Scotland.  Going to the car boot sale today (if its on). the weather here is terrible, also been looking at Asda, Tesco etc adverts.  She was planning on buying most items second hand anyway, once she got her grant, its just the disappointment of not getting it.  

Thanks to my friends on this board who have offered help and advice and not judged the situation in the wrong way.

Now!!! if I had posted the message about my granddaughter, well I would have expected a lot of the critisism, but, thats another story and not for this board. LOL !!!!!!!!!!!:rolleyes:  She will probably get all the help she needs and believe it or not, that makes me angry!!!!

Have you tried the yellow free ads paper?

tbh i dont think she would qualify for a maternity grant as u have to be on income support ,aint 100% sure but i think thats how it works !