Difficult one this, but would appreciate your comments.  OH and I have been together almost 4 years.  He is however, still married and is still on the mortgage etc of his wifes house.  After 4 years I think he should have sorted all this out by now.  It is something that bothers me as his wife is his next of kin still, if she stopped paying the mortgage OH would be liable for it or get bad credit rating if it wasn't paid.  I have explained to OH several times that it needs sorting and my SIL who is a solicitor sat him down and told him it needs sorting out too.  He has however done nothing about it.  I am getting to the point where I am thinking of leaving because of this.  I love him dearly and he loves me, but what do I do?  What would you do?

I'm an old-fashioned type who wouldn't cohabit until he was single.

Hi

I think I would be asking myself why he doesnt want to do it. Does he not want to let go of his wife or the house?

Wendy

I would definately be pushing for him to end that chapter of his life right now and I think that you've been so tolerant to put up with it for this long. Does he have any reasons for not wanting to make the move or is it a case of while it isn't affecting his every day life and finances then why go though all the hassle? I'm sorry that I don't have any constructive advice - I think it's something only you and OH can sort but if I was you then I would sit him down and tell him just how much its upsetting you and then get the ball rolling. Hope things work out.

Hayley x

What I would do is to make sure that your future is secure regardless of the way in which you do it!!  If you don't look out for yourself, no-one else will!!  :)

I've come to the conclusion that some men are just stupid :D :D :D Friend of ours, who is a solicitor () has even worse mess with house that he used to share with girlfriend 10 years ago ........... :rolleyes: Men :( :( :(

Daisy

Perhaps she can't afford to buy him out the house? Perhaps he's just scared of going through the whole divorce procedure etc - especially if things are amicable. Have you actually asked him why he won't get a divorce? I would ask him outright and see what his reaction is. Don't issue any ultimatums though unless you are 110% prepared to follow them though ;)

Does his children live in the house?  Maybe he's keeping a roof over his children's head and will sort it out when they have finally left home?

Its not that he wants any part of the house - he has said his wife can have it all, he isn't bothered.  She can afford to take over the mortgage fully as she earns a lot more than OH does.  I do think that as everything is ammicabale (sp?) he doesn't want to rock the boat as such.  However, it is going to have to be done one day, and as we now have a large mortgage together I think that things should be sorted out legally.  We own a business jointly too, but his wife would possibly have a claim on that should he fall under a bus tomorrow.  I keep telling him that I could lose everything we have fought so hard to get should anything happen to him.  He knows how strongly I feel about this which is the problem - he says everything is fine, why rock the boat, I tell him it needs sorting.  He is just a man who wants a quiet life, but I need a bit of security.

I think you have hit the nail on the head craigles, I suspect there are children involved.

I suspect he is only thinking of his children,

Firstly, if he took his name off the mortgage, even though his wife is paying it herself, would the mortgage company allow her a mortgage for the house amount? It doesn't matter to a lot of mortgage companies that she has and can pay it, if her wage does not cover the accepted lending arrangment, she would have to sell it and her and the children live in a much smaller one person mortgage affordable place, a flat, or possibly rent or move to council.

Most men don't give a damn about the ex and the children, if this is one of the reasons for not taking his name off the mortgage and divorcing, then you have a good man, not a throw away, not my concern type. Believe me I have seen many a friend left destitute when ex's move on to new partners, it is horrendous for ex wife and the children.:-(

I would guess this is why he has not pushed for a divorce, he has to think of the chidren, just for a piece of paper their quality of life would change drastically. 

He is first and foremost a father, first and foremost to provide for them.

This is the problem with second relationsips after children, the new partener looses out a lot, and yes, I do feel for you that he does not wish to divorce, that his wife will be next of kin, (though all money's on his death will be for the children,  not the wife, that is what you need to get your head around) I hope this enlightens you to the reasons. 

He is not wishing no divorce, no house sale because of anything he feels for his ex, he loves his children and does not wish to change their lifestyle.

He obviously loves you, you have been together for 4 years, just enjoy your life together, when his children are grown I'm pretty sure all will change, men are not like us, they are practical and logical, you are acting on feelings, he is acting on logic.

I would thank God, that he is a good man, after all how he treats his ex and his children, is how he will treat you!

P.S If he has no children, then he is a complete pratt and needs a good kick up the bottom. :-D There is no excuse in that case.

Just noticed your last post, you can always have him write a will, the house you have and the joint business, none of it would be left to his ex, just make sure a will is written with you as the full beneficator.

Us girls have a habit of over analysing things, he is with you, he loves you, just enjoy your life with him. :-)

Thanks Carrington - I think you have hit the nail on the head with your comments!

His wife could easily get a mortgage for the house, actually could afford something much bigger!  It isn't therefore about the children being uprooted or anything like that, I think he is just being a man!  He says he just gets up each morning, goes out with the dogs, goes to work, comes home, goes out with the dogs and is happy.  Perhaps he is just a simple thing and I know I can be a bit intense at times.  I will sort out making a will - he won't get round to doing it! 

Thank you!

Louise
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I think (but you'd need a solicitor to confirm or refute!) that if, God forbid, something happened to him, if she was still his legal wife at the time of his death she'd have a good case to challenge any will. If he hasn't made a will, all his property will automatically go to her. Definitely seek proper legal advice to secure your own future.

I would guess this is why he has not pushed for a divorce, he has to think of the chidren, just for a piece of paper their quality of life would change drastically.

On the other hand the wife is still MARRIED and as divorced and a single parent she'd be entitled to a lot more benefits and help -including child support which surely she cannot legally claim if she is still married to the father. My ex husband (who has the kids) is certainly a lot better off financially as NOT married.

Did he tell the bank the truth when he took out the new large mortgage,i.e. that his name already was on a mortgage? My name is still on my ex's mortgage and because of that I cannot co-own my new house as I was not allowed to have my name on two mortgages.

including child support which surely she cannot legally claim if she is still married to the father

Child support can be applied for by anyone whose children have a non resident(ie not living with them) parent regardless of their marital status

Well, if you are his business partner, treat him like one!  Tell him that regardless of your personal situation, things must be sorted out for the sake of the money you have contributed.  It all sounds very unfair to me!  I can imagine why the wife is keeping quiet!!  My current boyfs ex was a royal pain.  She kept the house in a right state so no one would buy it.  That way she could live there on her own (he was living with me at that point),  but have him paying half of everything, so she had a really cushty deal!  I ended up buying her out and we had to rennovate the whole house because it was so gross.

You have to look after yourself and make sure you are secure.  You have a lot of commitments together and out of respect for you, he needs to do this.

He doesn't want to rock the boat, but he's rocking yours... what is more important to him?  You just need to find a way to make him see your point.  I would never suggest ultimatums, as they have a habit of biting you on the bottom.

Good luck with him!  Men just need a little persuading sometimes.  You have to make yourself secure and happy.  You might love him, but he might not make you happy.  Please don't let it get to this... I did once, and it was very messy.  I lost custody of my 2 dogs then and I've never got over it.

Big happy thoughts to you!

Put yourself first! 

Louise,

Last year my sister Denise & her partner Hugh went on holiday together at the beginning of July - 3 days later Hugh was dead.  Denise had managed one of Hugh's salons for him so she was reliant on him for work and a home.   His last will was in 2000 before he'd met Denise (Another will had been drawn up but never signed), basically in the law's eyes she hadn't even really existed in Hugh's life and she was left without a home & job as everything went to his children from his 2nd marriage and a controlling ex-wife.   Don't let yourself be caught out, no-one ever imagined Hugh would die so suddenly, my sister now has a big fight on her hands to try and recoup some of the money due to her from joint house sale profits etc. she never ever saw when Hugh was alive.

Thanks everyone!  I felt a bit horrible, as if I was being selfish for wanting this sorted out, but I feel better about it now :D

There is an update - OH saw a solicitor last week and is the process of getting a divorce - he didn't tell me as he wanted to surprise me when it was sorted, but it leaked out when his daughter came out of the house yesterday with his marriage certificate, so he had to tell me!   I had given him a sort of ultimatum a few weeks ago that I was willing to go through with, and I think he realised that because of his stalling he may lose me and everything we have together.  I had mentioned his divorcing several times before but last time there was no shouting or crying or arguing - I was deadly calm, which I think frightened him and he realised  that I meant what I said.  He has said that once the divorce is through he will sort out us sitting down and making a will! 

Thank you so much everyone for your support and kind words.

Louise
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