Just come back from what should have been a great holiday in a luxury villa with swimming pool. We havent had a holiday for about 7 years and I was given a bit of money and decided that we would have what would probably a last family holiday. OH spoilt it for me. He was irritable all the time, probably because he can't do "nothing" and laze around. On one occasion he left us stranded on a hot beach because we did not want to move to where he wanted to move to, so he went off in a huff taking the car keys, house keys, water and money. On another occasion he got into a huff playing monopoly with the kids because he said they were "ganging up on him" he packed his bags and was going to the airport to try to get a flight home. I had to beg him to stay. I was so glad to get back home. I just feel that my life is crap at the moment. The kids are 15 and 16 and out most of the time, my son is going away to 6th form boarding school next year, his choice, I feel lonely and dont know anyone where we live because I have to work full time. My elderly mum lives down the road and is driving me crazy with her behaviour, and I have an OH who is increasingly difficult to get on with. The only good point is my dog but OH is always complaining about him.

Sorry for the rant, just need to let off steam anonymously

Oh June.   Wish I could say something good to you.   Just you look after yourself, and your dog.   OH is probably experiencing "male menopause":rolleyes: - he's no longer the Big Wonderful Daddy - so like the Big Baby most men are, he's spitting out the dummy and taking a mega sulk!!!

Try ignoring it - just behave as if everything is "normal" - whatever "normal" is for your family :D   After all, you haven't changed - nor has your dog :D

Come on here and moan as much as you like ...... a lot of us have been there, got the teeshirt/video AND worry lines...... but have come out the other side ....with or without OHs!!

Love
Margot

Oh June i'm so sorry but i guess we all have some insight into your life :rolleyes:

Holidays such a pain in the arse at the best of times no wonder they call them make or break time!

As Margot says have a rant join us in raising wine glasses to the ignoramous men in our lives :D :D

I second what Margot says! It all sounds horribly familiar - and I'm sure I read somewhere that holidays are one of the most stressful periods of a person's life, following closely behind bereavement and Christmas! :rolleyes: It's all down to expectations, apparently, and the disappointment when The Reality doesn't match The Dream. Add adolescence to the brew and you've got fireworks. It all works out in the end, one way or another.

There again I suppose the prospect of Divorce could seem like a ray of sunshine??? Does he ever give any excuses for his obnoxtious behaviour?? Or does he seriously want the 'house' to hate him, so he can play the 'everybody hates me nobody loves me card' to ease his guilty conscience about something/someone?? In my experience people that are fundamentaly unhappy with their situation behave in this manner, they don't know how else to behave! Surely in a loving and close relationship you would do all you could to appease people. especially your family, rather than p**s them all off?? Have you tried talking to him, finding out what the probem is, or was it just the holiday? Unfortunately, as you are experiencing, it's the children that suffer...in the end I decided that NO input was infinately better than a BAD input into family life! Maybe it's time for you to decide whose happiness is in jepordy? Sorry it doesn't sound very 'fluffy'...I'm not reallya 'fluffy' person...just practical and now in a very happy marriage where my husband thinks the World of me, and me of him, even though we've been through some incredibely hard times, especially me health wise, we have always tried to support each other. It doesn't sound to me like your husband supports you or your children, in an emotional way??? Maybe I'm totally off base and everything is fine underneath it all...but for someone to write as you did on a public forum sounds like a scream for help!! I'm really sorry about your holiday, and even sorrier about the children wanting to board at school...I think this more than anything speaks volumes! Sorry again, feel free to kick me into touch :P after all you don't have to live with me and maybe it'll vent some of your frustrations! :D

>and even sorrier about the children wanting to board at school....

Actually, boarding school in the 6th form is brilliant fun, much  nicer than dull old day-school, and great preparation for Uni or other independent life. I feel sorry for children who are too scared to contemplate such a move ...

Yes I know Boarding can be great fun...I've done it! But I read it as though it was a choice for another reason...I may be wrong...in which case I apologise in advance! I have also heard of other boarding experiences where children have actually been permanently damaged through bullying...by someone who experienced it, not first hand, he was one of the lucky 'popular' ones as he played bloody good Rugby, but by watching it happen through ALL his years at school in bonny scotty land..and no it aint Prince Charles LOL :D

It sounds more to me like adult fear of aging/losing status/no longer needed/put on the scrap heap ... could be quite wrong, of course, but it's a very hurtful and disturbing time for parents when ones children grow up and start becoming independent, engendering horrible feelings of being unneeded when previously one was indispensible. We all react in different ways.

How long has your OH been like this June?  Was it just during your holiday?
My partner, was always tetchy when we went on holiday, for him, it was a time of stress, not relaxation.
Also, it could well be that as your kids are growing up, he's finding it difficult(I know my Dad did)
Could you not get a nice bottle of wine, sit down and have a really good chat?

Take care

JG & Newfie, I asked my Mom and Dad if I could go to boarding school!!  Was met with a resounding 'No' but i really wanted to.

June, start to make a 'life' for yourself!  Take up some interests or hobbies that don't involve your husband and maybe he will appreciate you more when you are there.  I found myself in the same position as you when my two sons were the same age as your two, my husband and the two boys had all the same interests....fishing, motorbikes etc. and I was always left out.  It wasn't long before they moved on and left their father out too and then he needed me again by which time, I was the one who was 'rationing' my time to him!!  :)

I so agree with most of the other posters to this June, We all seem to recognise certain features.....So enjoy your work, is there much you can do in the way of scialising with colleagues? May be you want to keep them seperate , whatever, I think it's time to get your own thing going again, and you will soon be okay again. I had one bad holiday and it has stayed with me insomuch as I have always been prepared since. It was the most miserable thing ever. I truly can empathise! I also think if you can come on here and say it all out loud (ish) it helps to dissipate all those feelings too!
Good luck
Karen ;-)

I sympathise with you June as I have had bad holidays like you because OH hates holidays and we had to suffer because of it:rolleyes: We now do not go on holiday together, I went to Florida with my daughter earlier in the year and he went to Norfolk and played golf with our teenage son for a few days.

June, it is an awful situation when you are unhappy at home.  It impacts on everything else doesn't it?

My advice to you would be to arrange a time with him to talk.  No kids, no dog, no phone or any other distractions.  He needs to know how unhappy you are and you need to find out what is making him unhappy.  It could be that something completely unrelated to home is worrying him and causing him to be the way he is.  He's not happy either so it's in both of your interests to really communicate.  Be prepared to hear things you might not want to hear but also be prepared to open up and really discuss what's bothering you.  When you both understand what is making the other one so unhappy you can decide how to move forward.  You can't carry on living a miserable home life, life is too short.

As far as holidays go, my OH hates them.  He would spend the 2 weeks worrying about returning because he has the type of job that cannot be done by other people so while he should be relaxing he would be thinking of the work piling up and how hard he would have to work to catch up.  It used to upset me but then I came up with a solution and started going abroad with SIL and her kids.  I can honestly say that the holidays were far more relaxing and much more fun with her than miserable OH. 

Thanks for all your support. I work full time so havent been able to meet people in the area we moved to 5 years ago. I guess getting the dog was part of trying to arrange a new start, hobbies etc. Things havent been right for ages really. We are past talking, he is a clever man and twists everything I say, he calls me derogatory names and then says he loves me! I think that when the kids have left school we will probably seperate - but its a scary thought at the moment to be alone, and how to cope financially, whether I could afford to buy another house on my own etc. Just to put the record straight my son is going to the Defence 6th form college for students wanting to be engineers in the armed forces. Its a very tough interview process to get in so I am proud of him. He is very laid back and doesnt let family tensions ruffle him so he is not leaving because of that, but because this is the career he has set his sights on.

Oooh I wish friends on you....You so need somebody there.
That is a bad man being jsut as violent as if he were to lift his hands, sometimes if not always, mental crulety is as bad as physical. Hold your head high and know he is the feeble one, NOT CLEVER, if he has to resort to mental violence to degrade you!
Karen.

I have a friend who was in a similar kind of relationship - no physical violence but a lot of verbal aggression and abuse.  One day he'd fly off the handle and say some awful things but the next morning he'd be giving her a kiss as he left for work.  She just never knew what kind of mood he'd be in so she felt she was always walking on eggshells.  In the end she started to record his rantings and then played the tape back to him when he was in one of his calmer moods.  Although he was initially annoyed that she'd recorded their 'conversations' he couldn't deny what he'd said and had to admit that his behaviour was totally unacceptable if their marriage was to continue.  Things began to improve quite a bit - they still have the occasional wobble but, generally, day to day living is a lot less stressful for them both now.

I do hope you manage to resolve your problems, whatever method you adopt ! :)

June, you can cope and you will cope whatever happens.  His psychological games lead you to believe you won't, but that's his fantasy and not the reality.

It's a hard one to get around and you will need help and support to build your self esteem.  In the first instance could you go to your GP and ask for his referral to a counselling service.  This doesn't have to be 'marriage guidance' but just a safe and reliable forum for you to discuss your fears, concerns and hopes.

I really do feel for you and I wish I could give you the confidence and self esteem to make the decisions you need to.  Just remember that for your children to see you treated like this isn't good.  After all, if you had a son would you wish for him to treat his partner in the same way your husband treats you?

You need some help and support but remember that we'll be here for you.

It is such a common story, sometimes I think men and women are just not compatable at all.  Love for many is really just habit and the fear of being without their long time partner, most couples should just have become friends and moved on years ago.

I have many friends in this situation and the honest truth is if they could all win the lottery they would be gone, have a nice home of their own and never look back.  I think most woman stay with their bullying, arogant, petty, ungrateful husbands purely for the financial implications, (of course if violence is involved then you get out immediately, in your case it isn't) and a lot of my friends are just basically hoping to outlive their husbands so as not to be left destitute, or they will leave to go off with another man to escape the first.:rolleyes:

After selling the family home, and splitting everything after divorce and most women coming to their senses too late, with not enough years left to work, it is not a happy lot for divorced women.

To be honest I would suggest what many of my friends do, and find a life of your own within the marriage, look around for hobbies, find something that is just for you, go to a local keep fit class to make friends with other women, teach yourself to paint!  Something that can give you an escape, concentrate on your children's lives and of course your best friend your dog :-) 

You are not alone there are thousands just like you, have a look on the Internet, you will find so many just the same, perhaps you can meet another fed up wife on a local website too and make friendships that way.

Above all else try to avoid that building up of energy that just makes you want to punch his lights out. :-D Stop thinking of him and do what makes you happy.

These days it can apply just as equally to men :) We have a case in our family :(

Daisy

True enough Daisy, it's sad for everyone.