My 16 yr old son met a girl on the internet.She does not go to college although she is enrolled and slept with him the first time he went to meet her with her mothers permission.She lives 100+ miles away but he visits her regularly.He is a very bright boy with a good future.He is at college and intended to go on to uni.
However he has just phoned me to say that he wants to move up to his girlfriends:rolleyes: ....I know legally I can't stop him but should I try to?
Archer

I think that you can only, calmly, explain to him your reasons for not wanting him to go. Make sure he understands that you do not approve, but that you will be there for him to come back to should it go wrong. At that age anything else will only make him more likely to go against your wishes :( I can well understand your dismay :( Let's just hope he realises that it's not always greener on the other side :(

Daisy

Having dealt with the rebel teenager from hell I would not say anything against the girl, but try and ensure that his being with her does not interfere with his plans for the future, he should include her not choose them over her.

I assume he was going to go to college or sixth form for 'A' levels.

If so it might be worth sitting down ans asking him how he proposed to continue his education, as if he was thinking of setting up home with his girlfriend he would need to be in a position to keep himself so needs his education.

As it is early days yet, and she doesn't go to College maybe you should suggest she visits him at yours (probably not what you want), with her being around him more often (say in the coming summer holidays may actually cause him to see her in a less romantic light, especially as she will impinge on his usual activities.

Also if he wants to be an adult he will have to take on adult responsibilities and that includes paying their way, so need both to get jobhunting (the sooner the better, as from now until School restarts in the Autumn will really give a reality check), and of course should pay you some reasonable housekeping.

They have both just completed their first year at college.My lad has 1 more yr to go and is online for passing with distinction.The girlfreind has poor attendance due to personal issues.
He stays with the girlfreind most holidays at her mothers.That is where he intends to move to.She rarely comes here to stay because I will not allow them to sleep together here.I know they're 16 but I still don't want them 'at it' under my roof..old fashioned I suppose.
Archer

Chances are that your place is the last place they would do it :)

Faced with this with one of my sons I would encourage the gf to mine as much as possible so I could lecture them embarrasingly about contraception!

Oh Archer why do our children always think they are right.

You can probably see the dangers that all us adults see instead of a bright future, babies, bills and education down the pan on the way!

Aren't you still legal guardian until 18? I'm not sure, but I think so, don't let him go, as suggested don't dis the girlfriend worst thing in the world you can do you will force him to run to her. The girls mother is an idiot and knows her daughter is onto a good thing, what mother would encourage a 16 year old to sleep with her boyfriend in her home.:rolleyes:

Pretend you are all for the relationship (then hit the sofa cushions when no-one is looking) tell your son the girlfriend is welcome anytime but drill into him the importance of finishing his schooling and going to Uni, (after all doesn't he want to get a really good job, to help support his girl and give them a good future ;-)) tell him his girl will still be there afterwards (hopefully not! At that age they soon drift apart) and that they can still see each other regularly and he has everything to gain and nothing to loose by going to Uni.

For goodness sake make sure your boy is using protection!!!!!

been there got the tshirt etc etc
when my daughter left as she was 16 i informed the police , i knew where she was but did not like her being there, and because she did not have a job, i was still leagally responsible for her welfare, the police said that they had been around to the house and as long as she has a roof over her head and could pay her own way there was nothing they could do about it, but they did warn her, that the first time she was in trouble her parents (me and her dad) would be informed and she would be brought back to our house.
i also had to inform the family allowance people as she was not going back into education, and the family tax credit etc as i did not want any comebacks on me.
but of course it all ended in tears and yes you guessed it i had to pick up the pieces and she is now home and does not talk about her little escaped away from where she was comfortable and had food on the table and a decent way of life, i want to shout and scream at her i told you so, but no i don't i bite my tounge and get on with it.
i know how hard it can be to watch them throwing everything away, and it did not matter how much i tried to talk to her, i did not know anything, she was 24 hours away from going into the army officer core and she threw it all away and now she has nothing. so hang on in there and keep your cool.
carol

Your son clearly feels he wants to see more of this girl, and feels that the only way he can do that is to visit her place, or move to her place. I suspect arguing with him will make matters worse, not better. Clearly it would be best if your son remained at his college, but feels forced to choose between the two. I know it is against your principles, but maybe you should think about relaxing your ideas a little. Could she come and stay with you/ move close by? If your son had the opportunity to see more of his g/f locally he could stay at college, you could keep an eye on him, and it may well fizzle out anyway.

Grit your teeth and be ready to pickup the pieces......Stay as friendly as you can. It is so easy to 'go off on one', but he will do what he wants most likely and so advise him as others have said of what his options will be and the consequences may be.
I know it is happening, these kids are getting together online and moving on from it. We (as parents) can only do so much at this stage.....Good luck and try not to worry too much.
Karen

My heart goes out to you.  At this age their reproductive drives rule their heads, we all know we were teenagers once.  Having five sons I have tried to solve this dilemma all ways and the most effective one seems to be just hang on in there he will be back at some stage, most likely, and there will be tears. 

If the girls mother is stupid enough to pay for them to stay with her, supposing they don't have an income, she will eventually decide enough is enough and tell them to start supporting themselves.  This is the biggest eye opener to all our youngsters and the lack of money, clothes etc. comes as a very big shock especially to the girls and quite often they will throw it back at the boys because they cant support them.  You can only hope.  I would guess that if you sit back and  let it happen, because if he is determined to go you will have little chance of stopping him, don't offer financial assistance while he is living there, if the woman wants to take on another youngster she should be claiming for him as he doesn't live with you or he should make a claim in his own right, he will soon see that life was good with you.

I can only say be strong and wait for the fall out then encourage him back to college.  Yes it has happened to me.

Oh dear - this is a hard one - I know - I've been down the same sort of lines myself with my 4 in the past - not quite the leaving home at 16, but almost.

What I would suggest, from experience, is to do something that shakes him to his foundations.   He knows how much store you put on his education - now say - ok - if you don't wan't an education - that's your perogative - if you've decided that you are adult enough without it.  BUT - now you are a man, you'll have to take over the responsibilities - let's get you a job at the local supermarket so that you can earn enough to keep you and your girl - and let's find you a flat where you and she can live together as adults (:rolleyes:).   AND of course, as you ARE an adult, you won't want any financial help from me.....and of course, it also means that you'll have to do all the paperwork that comes with getting any sort of financial help from anyone ...on your own!

All upfront and bright of course - in a matter of fact way..............

Then say no more! (That's the hard bit!)    After a week or so - ask has he come to any decisions as to where he's going to work/live????????

Once they get a reality check, it's surprising how things don't look quite so rosy..........until the next time..........:rolleyes:

You need lots of {{{{{hugs}}}} to get through living with teenagers growing into adult hood - especially when they meet their first loves of their lives :)

Margot

You put it better than me, but that was my idea.  I also feel that if the girl comes to the boys area he will feel the burden sooner, as apart from all the implications he will be constantly choosing between girlfriend and friends, and she will be off balance and missing home, and more likely to throw in the towel, without her Mum's support.

Of course you do need to point out the need for cotnraception and that he shoudl nto rely on the girl being on the pill, but use condoms to be extra sure and for the health implications.  A visit to someone with young children for him to babysit might show him it is not somethign he wants, and to point out that if there is a child it is for ever.

Well just an update.
I think I have done my son a huge misjustice ..he has phoned me and apologised for adding pressure at a time when I really have enough on my plate.He has been looking into completing his college course near to his girlfreind and is also looking for weekend work.He says he still intends to go to uni and wants to make me and his dad proud of him....of which of course I already am!
Archer

Sounds like a very practical attitude covering all bases.  If the relationship doesn't work out then he still has his education on course.  Not ideal from yoru viewpoint but not so bad.

I would still try to encourage the girl to visit yours as spending more time together may clarify his feelings, and might bring things to a head with the relationship one way or the other.

He also wouldn't feel it is them against the world.

Fantastic, you couldn't have wished to hear better from him. I suppose it is still going to be really hard for you, just keep that positivity going! :-)
Karen

Call me old-fashioned if you like, but I would have had the 'screaming ab-dabs' had I found myself in that situation.  No way would one of my sons have been allowed to do this!  What is going wrong in this world when children are encouraged to sleep together?  No wonder all the moral standards are slipping!

My son is not encouraged to sleep with his girlfriend!!! As I have said it is not allowed under my roof but I can hardly dictate what his girlfriends mum allows and since they are both of a legal age theres not much I can do apart from make sure he knows everything he needs to about safe sex.We have talked extensively about being responsible and building a life for himself before he thinks about anything else.If I had 'gone off on one'' the outcome would have been that he would have still moved out but with ill feeling between us.As it is he will be in regular contact with me and if things don't work out I am here to pick up the pieces.
Archer

It's a difficult dilemma. In the end it boils down to it being safer if they sleep together in safety than in risky places. Definitely tell them you disapprove, but respect their rights (over 16 they're doing nothing illegal, after all), but make sure they're being responsible over contraception.

Having a rant will only drive them further away and you'll lose their trust. And that's not good when it all goes pear-shaped (as young relationships frequently do).

It is the girl's Mum who is encouraging them Archer not you!  How many other lads has she been encouraged to sleep with?  If she is as wordly wise as to sleep with a lad on the first night they met at 16 years old then I am sure she will know not to get pregnant!!  I know you want to 'play it down' but I think that some things are best not played down if only to give kids some decent moral guidelines.  You won't lose your son by voicing disapproval, just putting him straight as to what you think!  :)

'Voicing disapproval' is totally different to 'having the screaming ab-dabs'. ;)

:) :)   I am a redhead JG :)

I have expressed to him that I disagree with him sleeping with a girl he hardly knew..BUT she is the only girl he has slept with and despite living away from her till he moves and seeing her only occasionally he has been faithful to her.
I doubt their relationship will last purely because a we all know the person we are at 16 is not the person we are a few years down the line...however that is something he will find out since no one ever listens when told so by old 'fogies' like us lot .All I hope is that he has been brought up and listened enough to continue his education,not rush into marraige and practice safe sex.
Archer

Standing back and letting go the control can be very, very difficult. You can give advice but not demand obedience. But watching them make mistakes is so hard.

The legal age of consent has been 16 for many years, and marriage at 16 (especially girls) is/was not that unusual, both my Mother and grandmother were married at 16.

A 16 year old can work and is allowed to leave home if they can support themselves/be supported.

In fact young people are taking responsibility for their own lives later and later, at least where marriage and family commitment is concerned, but wanting the trappings of adulthood and freedom.

As long as young people take their responsibilities seriously along with their rights, that is all we can ask.

There are very few youngsters that wait until 16 to become sexually active, sadly.

Wasn't too happy when my own daughter was only just 16.  She had been courting her boyfriend for over 6 months and known him since she was 12, and they have had their third year anniversary since they started dating.

Their relationship may not last the distance (but how many do) but they are acting responsibly, taking care, and both being grown up in their lives. 

They can't afford to set up home together, but share various expenses such as the cost of buying and keeping a car.

She has a decent enough job and he is almost through his apprenticeship, having given up a well paid job for something that he thought had more prospects even if it meant a cut in wages short term.

At nearly 19 and nearly 21 they do not want to start a family for a long time yet.

With Archers son the relationship may die a death, it may not, who can know.

I don't know what your going through as my oldest son is just 7 I guess I have all this to come. I would just like to add that not all 'young love' is doomed.

I met my hubby when on holiday I was 16 he was 15 we lived over an hour away from each other (I was in London He was in Colchester). He was in his last year at school doing his GCSE'S.

His dad would let me stay at his house and yes we did do 'stuff', I moved to Colchester to live with him when I was 19 my dad was ok with me moving in with him. We both had good jobs and got a flat together.
It's now 13 years since we 1st got together we now own a 4 bed house and have 3 lovely children and are still very much in love.
All I can say is just be there for your boy, he knows where to come if it does go wrong.

I think that is wonderful.  It is like what I tell my daughter and her boyfriend, that they may grow in different directions and not stay together, but on the other hand like many couples I know they may well be destined to stay together if they grow together, as long as they don't put themselves under too much pressure with jumping into kids and debt.

My neighbours who are a few years younger than me, in their late thirties have been together over 20 years and bought their house together 18 years ago.  didn't plan to have children, but now have a two year old son.  One never knows how life will work out.