I have a friend- ok now ex friend who i fell out with over a year ago. We were really good friends and helped eachother through some tough times - unfortunately we ended up falling out over nothing really.
I have absolutely no hard feelings towards her now even though she has been down right nasty sometimes. Example of this is sending an email to me pretending that my husband is having an affair. I have completely forgiven her and have recently sent her an email to say so and to try to bury the hatchet.
I now dont know whether it was a good thing. I dont think we will ever be close again and to be honest thats fine with me but i just think life is too short to have enemies.
Would you have done the same or do you think i am too soft for being forgiving?

People do things in spite at times.  Life is too short for enemies and if you find it in yourself to forgive and you both want to make up then do so!

Me and OH were talking about this the other day and I said that with a couple of people I have fallen out with I regret as one is my god sons mother and due to this I no longer speak to my god son which I hate but on the other hand there is another friend who I have not really fallen out with, just drifted apart but she too could be nasty and I don't regret any of it.

The way I look at it, if you go through life hardly giving that person a second thought and can't think why you would miss them then I see no loss gained but if you think about them and want to be friends again then go for it, like you say life is to short but you know the saying - 'who needs enemies when you have friends'!!!. 

My feelings on this are twofold.

1.  I've recently been trying to contact a dear friend that I lost contact with and so far have failed.  I don't really know how we lost touch but it just happened and I miss him and his input in my families life on a daily basis.  The realisation that it's four years since I've seen him made me do something to get in touch only to find he's moved without a trace.  It's important to me to have 'closure' on this relationship as it can't be left as it is.

2.  Sometimes I feel we work too hard at 'friendships' that aren't meant to last.  Why should every friend we spend time with be our friend for ever?  Without meaning to sound flippant, some friendships are for a while, or for a purpose, then we move on.  e.g. I was part of a large group of close friends when I had babies and young children; it was a mutual network of support that now the children are older I don't have contact with.  That doesn't mean they weren't important, or that I don't like or care for them or wouldn't be pleased to see them now but simply times change and I now have different friends.

Do you make friends easily?  Don't feel obliged to stay friends but if it is something you want to build on then go for it.  If you don't then you can just exchange pleasantries, keep in touch but still move on to other more relevant and meaningful.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive her then fair play to you!!    However, you may have to think about how close a friend you would want her to be.  Despite being able to forgive, are you able to forget about the things she's done and totally trust her again not to do the same?

I lost a good friend last year.  We had been friends for a long time and had a fall out.  Tried to patch things up but couldn't and I decided that friendships should be a natural thing and that if they have run their course then they should be let to lay.  I've moved on and she's moved on and although I don't feel any hatred or anger towards her now I don't feel like making the effort either to keep her in my life as I would never be able to trust her again.

Good luck with your friend though - I hope it all works out!! 

I'd second that Charanda!

I agree that i will probably never trust her again and as far as having an actual friendship with her I dont think i would be comfortable with that - i couldnt be friends with someone i couldnt trust. I think an occasional email would be fine.
I think i wrote the email for myself more than anything else - a closure type of thing.
I just hope she doesnt throw it back in my face but then again if she does then at least i'll know where i stand!!

Hi Animad, I believe and live by the rule that if people do not make you happy then do not have them in your life.  generally I do not hold grudges but feel that life is too short to be surrounded by people who make you miserable.  I would say the email was a positive move to gain some closure and you can feel that you have done your bit but life can be stressful enough without being miserable and stressful.

I too have recently (well not quite recent) falled out with a friend of 25 years, over (by my opinion) 'nothing' that can't be sorted.
She decided to cut every contact with me and we haven't spoken now since last summer, although she sometimes would ring me and put the phone down (silly I know!!)

I though hard about the whole thing and came to the following conclusion;

IF SOMEONE STOPS BEING YOUR FRIEND THEY'VE NEVER BEEN YOUR TRUE FRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE

So I've decided that when she 'grows up' (if she grows up) and she decides to contact me I will be there as I have forgiven and forgotten.
If not, the show must go on!!!

But thats only my opinion anyway!!

Making up with friends after a 'fall out' is never the same friendship you had before no matter how hard you try. You have both moved on and, hopefully in your case, have made new friends. I'd consider 'burying the hatchett' though not in her head ;) but leave it at that :) Real best friends don't fall out for long no matter what (do they H :) ) and certainly don't  send nasty emails to upset you. If it were me, and this is only my thinking, I would stay clear :)

I'm in a similar situation.  My best friend of about 20 years took to only phoning me if she had something to tell me - they'd booked a holiday, got a new car, ordered a new kitchen ... you get the idea.  Always seemed to have loads of time to see other friends, but when it came to us they were busy, couldn't get a babysitter or would call if they had nothing else on (and then didn't).  I was really hurt and had been through some major stuff last year that you really need a friend around for, but she was too interested in herself to even ask why I was off work at the time.  Anyway, she since found out what happened and came round, but it was really awkward and I didn't want to talk to her about it.  I've spoken to her on the phone once since then and she did ask us round, but we had other plans.  Now I'm trying to decide what to do.  Should I contact her and try to get the friendship back, or do I just forget it and let it go?  I'm in two minds about it and would welcome an outside opinion or five.  :D

earl to be completely honest, again if it were me, I wouldn't bother. As you can tell I don't suffer fools gladly and I won't let anyone take advantage of me neither. I keep friends through thick and thin, one friend I've known for 25 years and although times have changed, our lives went in different directions, we still email, call and once or twice a year visit, and I can honestly say we have never fallen out. My best friend now I have known for years (not sure how many) and whilst we don't always agree about everything we just 'cool' off if need be, maybe a day but no longer, make up and I don't think anyone or anything will ever make us fall out permanently. If she wasn't around when you needed her most then I don't think you need her now. Don't mean to sound harsh in any way, I'm just saying what I think, and what I think I would do.

I tried to forget it and let it go but found i was dwelling on it. I feel as if i have done my bit now, the balls in her court as it were!

Hi Earl

>she since found out what happened and came round, but it was really awkward and I didn't want to talk to her about it

I think your above phrase is your "gut instinct" answering for you ;)  Friends, rather than those merely relegated to acquaintances with whom we exchange chatty occasional banter, are those few people we are lucky enough to meet in our lives that we love and trust unconditionally - similar to our family members but better still because we have "chosen" them and them us.

This person is no longer someone you feel fully comfortable in confiding in - you may well be able to remain friendly but IMO the friendship you had is not one which you can ever get back.  Sad, perhaps, but as has been said elsewhere life is too short to dwell on such things. 

best wishes, Teri   

Hi I once had very good friends I thought the world off, but 5years ago we fell out since then they have made my life hell
And I for one would never go back!!! I would say "move on", I did and dont regret it!!!! Best friends shouldnt be hard work.
Helen :)
Check your email M....lol

Sometimes we have to accept that our great friend of multiple years was merely a fair-weather friend and that when push comes to shove we should neither harbour resentment nor try to claw back what once was :(

IMO a genuine friend is there through thick and thin and neither disagreements nor distance will prevent that friendship from flourishing.   Your situation doesn't sound like that to me - when nastiness comes into it (while of course there are different perceptions and degrees of same) it's time to close that particular door in your life.   It can be exceptionally painful to realise that someone we have trusted and shared our private thoughts with has turned their back on us or intentionally caused us grief, worry, emotional pain but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger ;)

I think there is much to be said for being forgiving (on the email especially - more so than I would be) but I don't think we ever truly forget the hurt and a severely damaged longstanding friendship IMO is never fully repairable.

I think you should move on - be glad that at one time you had a good relationship but also be glad that you're now aware that in the main this person was not 100% the friend and confidant you thought they were.

Good luck, Teri

I agree with Teri, in that sometimes boundaries are crossed which you can't really cross back over again. Once crossed they are crossed for ever and you have to move on from where you stand :) whichever way you choose.

I would not want to remain friends with someone who actually told me a nasty lie clearly guaranteed to cause strife and upset.

I believe true good friends are like golddust, and may stay with us all our lives; others come and go, perhaps to teach us something about ourselves or for them to learn from us, who knows?

Good memories can sometimes be better than doing something for the "second time around" :)

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Lindsay
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