When I was a toddler, a teenage girl used to help my Mum (Dad was away at sea), to look after my sister and myself. She was a major part of my life for many years, and was always there for us when the 'chips were down'.
She later married and emigrated to Australia several years ago, and we lost touch. However my Mum managed to contact her before Xmas, and received a letter today with the devastating news, she has pancreatic and liver cancer :( My Mum has given me her email addy to contact her, but I have no  idea what to say or how to say it.

Any suggestions warmly welcomed

I'm in a similar situation. :( My godmother's daughter (my mother's her godmother), who's a few months younger than me, is also in Australia. We heard at Christmas that she has breast cancer which has spread to her liver. I'll be interested in your replies because I don't know what to say either. Jane and I were very close at one time.

When I am faced with similar situations I always think what I would like anyone to say to me or how I would like them to behave to me should the positions be reversed.

I find that generally works.................

Good point, Tohme.

I feel for you too, Liberty.  My sister, who is 47 years old, was diagnosed with breast cancer just before Christmas.  It has spread to her stomach and bone marrow.  Her doctor says she will die from this and there is nothing that can be done.  He gives her about two months to live although she could go anytime.

Ultimately, I don't know what to tell you to say.  Maybe this link will help you.

http://www.cancer-survivor.org/stories/index.shtml

My best wishes and prayers are with you.

Thank you for the link, and your kind words.

A childhood friend of mine, also in Australia, died just before Christmas having battled with breast/bone cancer for almost three years.  It was really hard to write about the mundane things in life when we both knew how ill she was, however, my friend and her husband were always hoping for the best and seemed to cling to any hope that the Oncologist gave them. I used to go along with whatever they said although, deep down, I felt that sometimes they were clutching at straws!  When she became too ill to write, her husband wrote to keep us informed of the situation and I used to write and tell him about the things I remembered from when she and I played together as kids!  I think they welcomed any letters of support from the U.K. although I used to apologise sometimes just in case they thought I had said the wrong thing!  The worst thing you can do, I think though, is to not write at all!

This is what have manged so far :(

I had a phonecall from my Mum today, and am shocked and saddened to hear your bad news. I have thought of you many times over the years, and like we all do, regret losing touch, but that seems to be one of the things that happens too often sadly.

My Mum read your 'journal' to me,  it was emotional yet inspirational, and I want you to know we are all thinking of you here in 'Blighty'. It is wonderful to hear you have such an amazing network of friends and family to support you at this time, and Laura sounds an angel (how old is she now?), I do hope she inherited her Mums good looks too?

Stay as positive and upbeat as you can, and if you fancy a grumble or just a chat, then just get online, am a bit of a nightowl, so am online at all hours. Thinking of you at this difficult time  (((((hugs))))

well, that sounds lovely to me, friendly and supportive without being gushing and sentimental. I'm sure your kind words will bring her comfort.

Thanks, its such a difficult one :(

I think thats a great reply.you have passed on your sympathies without dwelling on the fact that she is ill.Theres nothing worse than people constantly reminding you of impending death when the lady would want to live out her days to the full. :)

That sounds fine, Liberty :-)

So sorry to hear about your friend, I'm sending massive {{{HUGS}}} to you & your family. xx

That sounds lovely Liberty :)  I don't think it matters much what you say, though, from what my Dad told me, when my Mum was terminally ill, all the correspondence they received then and, he, after she died meant such a lot to him it was just a tremendous support to simply know they cared.

I think its just one of those situations, where people want to avoid the situation for fear of upsetting someone, when often the person in question wants to discuss it. It seems to be such a fine line :( Thank you all for your positive comments, ant other suggestions welcomed

I think you have got the fine line just right :) and letting her know when you are available to chat is particularly nice and helpful I am sure.

Libs it sounds excatly right just as long it is from your heart rather than what you think they want to hear ;)

I think they would take comfort to hear from you in any respect ;)

If you upset them and make them cry it is not a thing to avoid. Put yourself in their shoes I would want people to be 100% honest and what I really thought in everything rather than die wondering ......... ; :

Thanks Lucy, the words where from the heart,  no way I could do it otherwise

Sorry Libs I wasn't questioning that :)

I know that Lucy..........sorry if it came across that way, it was not intentional

{{{{BIG HUGS}}} Sorry didn't mean to make you feel bad as know how upset you must feel :)

My sister died of breast cancer 11 years ago and she used to say that she liked people to treat her as normal.  She didn't want to be reminded of the fact that she was ill all the time as it was not something she was going to get better from.

I think what you have said Liberty is lovely.  You have mentioned her illness but not dwelled on it.

I have been in this situation just before xmas.
The little 3 year old boy next door to me died.
It was absolutely tragic. His dad woke in the morning to hear him and his sister playing in their room.
Left them too it, as you do, to go down stairs and let dogs out, put kettle on etc. Went back up to sort the kids out only to find his son unconsious, hanging from the roller blind cord.
Spent 20 mins trying to revive him, but sadly it was to late.
I awoke that morning knowing something was wrong, because of police going in and out of the house. I thought perhaps they been burgled but, not in my wildest imagination did i think that, not until the policeman knocked on the door to inform me of the childs death.
When the Police spoke to me, the parents were still at the hospital with their son. They asked me not to go into work that day as the parents may need my support. Both sets of parents miles and miles away, so no family.
My God!! I was in pieces myself, what possible help could i be?! But, as i am close to my neighbours, when they got home, i waited for the liason officer to leave, took a deep breath and went for it.
They knew there was nothing i could say or nothing i could do, so, we just sat, cuddled cried together. As i say we are all a very close set of neighbours here, we socialise and party together, bbq nearly every weekend in summer, we all have young kids that play together and even holiday together!
So her loss hit us all very, very badly. It was to us, on our green where we live, like loosing one of our own.
The parents know that, and know how we all feel and have said that they found our sympathy and caring very humbling.
None of us here know what to say, but to them, just the fact that we cared so much has helped them both. They know that if they want to chat about there son, scream at someone about the unfairness of it all, cry or even hit someone we, neighbours, are all hear for them.

what an awfully sad story  :( :( Thank heavens they have neighbours like you

So sorry to hear about your sister Melster.

Thank you for your kind words

I think what im trying to say, is that there is nothing you can really do but, to show them, and tell them, that you care and are there for them whatever their needs.
I am finding now that at this stage, although her son is not a taboo subject, she wants to just hear gossip and the more normal things of everyones boring everyday life.
So we have arranged for all the girlies to get together this weekend for a "wine tasting" evening. Am looking forward to it as we are going to play millionaire interactive dvd.
At the end of the day, it's for my neighbour, just to give her some sort of reprieve for the night.

Thats right Ruby Tuesday, Vicki (my sister) was more interested in what everyone else was up to.  She liked to hear all the gossip and not think about herself.  I am sure that when she was alone that was all she did so when with friends and family she wanted to talk about them.

Unfortunately for me, just before my sister died, my mother died.  My mother died late June 94 and my sister early April 95.  When my mother died I was pregnant with my first daughter.  People were very sympathetic and had lots of kind words to say.  However, when my sister died they really did not know what to say so quite a few people avoided me.  I think what I am trying to say is that I found it difficult if people said anything to me, but also if they didn't say anything I wondered why and found that difficult to.  The situation needs to be acknowledged just as you have done Liberty. 

Ruby Tuesday I am sorry about your neighbour.  I remember reading it before.  I wish we all had neighbours like you.

It's very hard, Libs, but I'm sure that what you wrote from your heart is the right thing to do.  

Four years ago, one of my oldest and dearest friends died the Easter after she retired from teaching the previous July.    She'd been complaining about headaches, etc, and thought that it was just the stress of teaching.   She took early retirement, and she and her husband were going to retire to Greece, to paint, when he retired the following July.   She had a tumour on the brain.    Dave wrote and told us about it just after Christmas, and we were all so shocked, we could'nt take it in.   We wrote, about things that we'd done as youngsters (she was the pal who hitched up to London with me at age 14) - she wrote whilst she could, and then Dave kept on writing, and encouraging us to write to her/them, which we did - about everything.   I think that really, they gave us courage.    Eventually, Dave did take her to Greece (they travelled overland) and she died where they had intended to retire to.  

I'm glad that we - as a group of old schoolfriends - kept writing to her - and I'm sure that we too benefited from it.

{{hugs}} to you, and your friend.

Margot

I've been very touched by these heartbreaking posts but also find it heartwarming to know people care enough to want to help and support those they love in the best way they can.
I'm sure you're all much appreciated by those who need you in bad times as well as good.
xx

Sorry to hear about your friend Liberty :(. It is an awful situation to be in but I think what you have wrote so far is lovely.  My mum died of breast cancer nearly 3 years ago. She coped by working until the end only having time off for radiotherapry and chemo, she was never one to have time off and had such a great support network in her friends at work.  Like others have said though talking about everyday stuff, good times you have had together etc is often what they need.  One of the most prominent memories I have of my mum and it is very basic and normal to others to me it melts my heart.  Just before she died (mum went downhill very rapidly) we were both sat on her sofa in identcail positions either end, waching A House in the Country, we just sat there drinking tea and dunking biscuits.  On the programme was a black lab just like Jazz and she turned to me and said Jazz is the perfect dog for you slightly nutty, but the most loveable dog i have ever met.  This memory for me will last a lifetime.