spoke to my dad yesterday whom informed me that he is getting married. He has got a lady friend who is polish and is 56 to his 73 years. I am a bit shocked at the moment as I didnt think he would be marrying her. He said that he wants to wait till she retires at 60 so they can buy a place together and settle down. I cant understand why they have to marry to do this. She is a matron at a london hospital and I know she has read his notes and so will know that he has pulmonary fibrosis and that the prognosis is not good. I am getting concerned that it is his money that is prompting her to marry him. I didnt say much to him as he a bit touchy well very touchy and will think that its my inheritance that is worrying me. That said I was also thinking about that as I am an only child and I know he has a will leaving all to me. I dont want to seem mercenary but why should she get everything when she has only known him for 4 years. I take it that if they marry she would next of kin and get everything.

she wouldnt get a thing unless it is written in his will that she does. Did she meet him in the hospital was he a patient she attended to ?

my dad married a women who hated me when i was a child and long and behold she stopped him making child support payments and even stopped him from seeing me i have not seen him in 34 years so she got her way

>she wouldnt get a thing unless it is written in his will that she does

I thought it was the other way round? She'd only not get a thing if he specified it is NOT to go to her?!

I think you're right, Chloe. A spouse automatically inherits unless there's a will (written after the marriage) stating otherwise. I think!

>I am getting concerned that it is his money that is prompting her to marry him

Please don't take this the wrong way ...but isn't that a  cynical way of looking at this? Or maybe I am just too soft because *I* think it is a lovely selfless act ... this woman is going to be looking after him and nursing him through his old age

>I cant understand why they have to marry to do this

You say your dad is 73 ? Well that is probably your answer ....he doesn't want to *live in sin* which is the way older people will see living together. It is a mutual respect thing I would imagine

>I dont want to seem mercenary but why should she get everything when she has only known him for 4 years

Forget about inheritance and just give your blessing to your dad and his lady friend

I can imagine the concern BUT I go with Mel on this I think it is one of these difficult situations if you say too much it may look like you are the one concerned about the benefit to yourself rather than the lady freind and backfire. Unless their is someone else who can sure concern without it looking like you had any thought about it at all.

IF you support his decision I am sure he will make sure you are well looked after. :-) good luck.

Much to the surprise of the family, my grandmother married again at the age of 75. She met her second husband at the Over 60's choir and they went on to have many happy years together until he died at 91 and her at 87. Neither of them came from a generation where living together was something they would do although they weren't judgemental about people who did. However, they wanted to demonstrate their commitment by marriage. As it happens I was also down to inherit everything. As it also happens I did and also inherited my step-grandfather's assets too!

I can understand how your father's announcement has come as a shock but the best thing you can do is give him your support and see how things work out. 

I agree.  At that age the age difference is minimal frankly (my parents were 13 years diffeence, but Mum was only 16, and his present wife is 30 years his Junior). 

It isn't like they are rushing into this after 6 months, they have already had a relationship for 4 years and it is another 4 years until she retires.  she is in a good job so I don't think she is after his money, and surely7 his will should take care of that.

I would be thankful he has someone to look after him and make him happy :D

Secretly I am very pleased that it wohn't be me looking after my Dad in his dotage (I hope) as he will make an awful patient.  Mind you his health is bettewr than his wifes at the moment.

Be happy for your dad, at least they are going to wait until she retires, 4 yrs is a long time yet.  If she was after his money, I doubt she would want to wait for 4 yrs to get married. Think of it this way, has she got a family? if she has, they are probably thinking the same as you. Please try and get on with her especially as your dad does not keep good health, you just might find the more you get to know her the more you will like her, just be a friend and support them both. It will be hard for you though. I would love to meet someone else for company and going out with I'm now 61 yrs of age and do get lonely, don't know what I would do without the dogs.

My father remarried just over a year after my mum died. Although I was happy for him I do not like his choice. They have been married for 17 years (I think ) and he does seem to be reasonably happy. When I asked him why he was marrying he said it was because he was lonely, and didn't want to spen the rest of his life on his own. Not the best of reasons, but they get on well enough. Like you I was afraid that she was just after his money, but she has put all of her money into the house (which will come to me and my brothers when they both die. My father has made a new will, though, stating exactly what he wants to happen if he goes first. She will continue to live there, but the house will not go to her family, You hve plenty of time to come to terms with the shock he has given you. Give it a little while before breaching the subject of a new will. After all, the relationship might not last ;)

17 years difference in their ages doesn't strike me as excessive but, after my divorce, I dated a woman who was 15 years younger than me.  She was after my money, but was VERY disappointed.  :-)

I think you should be happy for your dad.  They have known each other for 4 years and aren't planning to marry for another 4, unless I misunderstood you.  It sounds to me like they are doing things right and taking things slowly.

You need to be careful here.  If you even seem to be trying to come between your dad and his GF, it may be YOU who ends up looking in the window you used to look out of.

I feel sorry for people who are frowned on for having a life and enjoying themselves in their dotage by greedy children who are circling for an inheritance to drop into their lap.

woohooo, don't hold back Lara...say what you really feel!!! LOL

I  m sorry kizzistaff, but if you read back the contents of your own post it DOES seem that your concern is for money and not for your father. Your father probably knows this too. He has known this woman 4 years....and is going to wait 4 more. 8 years is hardly a whirlwind romance. People who marry for money dont usually choose to spend such a long time waiting for it. ...
Your father can choose to leave his money to whoever he chooses....even if he didnt marry, he could still leave it to charity and leave you with nothing....its not your divine right. Personally, if he has such a debilitating illness i would recommend he spend it all enjoying himself... Ask yourself this...do you really deserve it?

I am concerned for my father in that he has saved all his life and been very frugal and I hope that she will not take him for a ride when they get that piece of paper. I did not say it was my divine right and it was him that showed me his will after my mum died which was 5 years ago and in which I was the sole benefactor. I know he can do what he wants with his money and if I dont get any fair enough but I am just concerned about her motives. She met him through some sort of dating agency and she can see his notes because she works for the same trust that the hospital he attends is under. He is the one that wants to wait till she retires, she is pushing for as soon as possible. I cant see why they have to marry because he has no problem staying at her flat for a couple of weeks at a time and he always said he would not remarry. She does not have her own house and although she has savings it is not a huge amount. My dad has got a lot of money and she knows this so I just hope its not her motivation.

I would be worried too.  My Mum died 5 years ago and Dad remarried after her death.  He sold the home that he and Mum had lived in, that they both worked hard to pay for.  His wife sold her home too (for 50% less than Dad did) and they bought somewhere together.  I was aggrieved, angry, annoyed that all the things my parents had worked for, and promised me (and that's the crucial part) were now being shared with someone else and her children.

The upshot is that they made a will that doesn't come into force until they are both dead and their 'things' have been shared out in a fair manner.

Talk to your Dad and see if he can make an arrangement in his Will that will make you feel better about the whole thing.  Also she must make you Dad happy otherwise, I'm sure, he wouldn't be going ahead.

Chin up.

PM me if you want - I know how you feel.

have pmed you steph

just one other thing maybe he really does love this women and wants to send what years he has left with her and maybe she feels the same about him.

It's a touchy subject, but they will not marry for another 4 years yet, if the relationship is still strong then, I would think that she is marrying your dad for love, they are not rushing into things which is a very good sign. Try to be accepting of this new situation showing any sign of disapproval will put a wedge between yourself and your father.

I've seen this situation many times, with new wives inheriting properties and money and children missing out, but also situations where good compromises were being made too, you have 4 years to prepare for saying and doing the right things.

Firstly if she has a home of her own, she will sell that and maybe put the money into a new home with your father and vice versa, so by rights she is entitled to their new home together (legally and morally) what a colleague of mine did, after speaking to his future wife, was sell the family home and gave his children half the equity so as not to cause any future upsets, so they had their inheritance early and there was no conflict or worries about who would get what.

As you are an only child I would think that your father will want to take care of you. Keep on good terms, and no matter what! do not allow this woman to ever put a wedge between you or your father, if she is the kind of person to cause trouble and manipulate, try not to rise to it, just be the good smiling, helpful, daughter, then your father will see her as the trouble causer and not you. Rant and rave away from your dad, not infront of him, some women are very keniving.

I hope she will turn out to be a good woman though, and adore you as your father does, and that you will all be a good happy family, with any monetary worries sorted out well before hand.

Which ever way it goes though, you can't change fate or live other people's lives, just enjoy your dad for the years he has left and try not to let material things and upsets get in the way. :-) Life is too short.

I agree that life is too short ;)

I've had my fair share of ups and downs with my Dad and "other women" over the years, starting when I was very young.

But do you know what? I give him enough credit to live his life the way that he wants to. Yes he's had partners that have had ulterior motives and he's had his fingers badly burnt. But as much as I wanted to, I didn't interfere, I stood on the sidelines and was there when he needed me. Which is why we still have a relationship. He's never judged me on my life and I don't feel that I have the right to judge him. The only time I would ever intervene is if I thought that he wasn't in full control of his faculties. ;)

Things are different now because he's recently widowed with 2 young boys to bring up, so obviously, they are my main priority.

If my Dad had a fair amount of money and decided to remarry tomorrow, I wouldn't feel aggrieved. Why? Because first and foremost I'd want him to be happy and also because I'm an adult now with my own life, who is responsible for my own financial affairs and I don't feel that he is obliged to leave me anything.