Hi Guys,

My OH lost both parents last year shortly after Christmas, He's the strong silent type and I suspect a bit of a 'bottles it all in'....

As Christmas and new Year tend to be punctuation marks on the year gone by and we tend to remenis (sp!) and get nostalgic more.... Im beginging to worry about how I help him through this time?

He'd rather stick hot pins in his eyes than open up (stiff upper lip and all that!) But I'm torn as to wether I should not mention it (and Im worried thats insensetive,appearing uncaring?) because I doubt due to the stiff upper lip syndrome he'll mention it and maybe thats the way he wants it??? but what if on the other hand he needs me to open it up for him and take the onus off him????

ok,ok I know Im turning myself inside out with what ifs and speculation on what he needs/wants!!
so thats why I'd welcome anyones comments or experiences
I know theres still alot of pain and sadly guilt in him.... whats the best way to help????

thanks xxxxxx

You could ask him if he'd like to visit there grave's on the anniversary - to show your there for him and you havent forgot :-)

Not sure if it fits in with your beliefs or not, perhaps you might consider buying and laying a Christmas Wreath on their gravestones?  Instead of asking his opinion you could, if appropriate say that you have purchased them and are planning to do it and would he like to accompany you?

My OH is a bit like this :) I'd give him a big hug and tell him that you understand that he might not want to discuss it - but you are always there if he needs you - then say no more :)

Daisy

So sad, I do feel sorry for you both.
Personally, I think you should talk to him. Even if you start by saying something like "It must be so hard for you, thinking about your Mum & Dad - how are you feeling ?". He might say he's ok, but at least it opens the door if he wants to talk.
Were you close to them too ?. I can't be easy for you either. You could suggest laying flowers at their graves to remember them at Christmas.

Val

Its funny how sometimes you cant see the wood for the trees!!

Thank you soooooo much guys, I can take something from every post (and sitting here thinking why didnt I think of that???)
I think the Christmas wreaths sound perfect, we planted a cherry tree so it'll be nice to see how thats come on too.
And yeah I think the Hug and just asking him how he's feeling sounds good, I worry that if I skirt round the issue..so will he.
and I really dont want him to have another year of carrying round this pain and guilt...
But Im terrified that I'll either open a floodgate and not know what to do.. or be stonewalled and not know what to do?????

eek... Im worring tooooo much arnt I? I fear Im just so out of my depth on this never having lost any of my immediate family.

>But Im terrified that I'll either open a floodgate and not know what to do.. or be stonewalled and not know what to do?????

Sometimes there's nowhere near as much floodwater as you fear but often a greater closeness results. Only I've got another great "bottler" at home and used to skirt around all sorts of subjects. One year we had a massive argument about domestic "issues" on Christmas Eve and getting them out in the open was amazingly beneficial and nowhere near as emotionally charged as I'd feared.

My OH recently lost his mother and I've found that talking about things in an undramatic but sympathetic way seems to have made a difficult time more bearable. A few years ago I would have worried about his reaction and probably made life harder for him by trying to make it easier - if you get my drift.

So some hugs and thoughtful words will probably go a long way to help your OH at this difficult first anniversary of their death.

If there is a floodgate it might just be the thing he needs. My husband lost his brother a few years ago, only 32 (his Mum was also very young, she died before I met him). Occasionally I'll ask him how he's feeling, sometimes he's fine, sometimes he'll tell me a story about things they did that has been on his mind, even stuff from when they were children. I also ask him about his Mum, that way the fear of talking about them is gone.

Val

Speaking as a bloke who sounds quite similar to your OH I'd agree with Val on this.  My dad died when I was 12 and my younger brother just after I got married when I was 28.  The only person I've ever really felt able to talk to about them is my wife and she is very low key about it, she used to just ask how I was feeling usually at times when I'd be likely to remember them.  She still does it if something comes up now that might remind me, although it's much less of an issue for me now.

Just because we bottle things up doesn't mean we don't want to talk about it, it's just a defence.  I suspect he will thank you for it if you approach it in a low key way, if he doesn't want to talk don't worry, in a lot of ways we are very different from you :) and we don't always want to talk but it is nice knowing someone is there if we want to.

Steve

Oh Val and Roz,

I cant thank you enough for your comments especially when they are soo personal to you , Sharing your experiences has given me great peace of mind I was tying myself in knots :(

I really really appreciate it x

Hi huskygirl,

It is also my Moms anv. at Christmas, Mom is with Dad now. So!
every Christmas morning after breakfast, I take a Holly wreath to
there grave. I feel if I can't give them  10mins Christmas morning,
It is a bad show. It helps an awful lot, remembering them and the
lovely Christmas's we shared. Then go home and prepare for lunch.

Regards
Denese

That is such a lovely thing you do :-)  and the reasons behind it are even better :-)

We lost someone very special over Christmas four years ago. I would say just be there for whatever happens. We've had people avoid the subject like the plague & others who try to cheer you up - neither feels very helpful. Each milestone & anniversary has to be lived through & experienced in order for grieving to take it's course. You may find that he copes better than you think.
Personally we visit his grave & spend a bit of quiet time when it feels right & don't make rigid plans.
Best wishes

What does come out of the replies is that everyone copes in different ways for example a number of people here will visit the grave, personally I don't feel the need to visit my brothers.  After his accident I had to identify the body and at the time I had a very stong feeling he was no longer there so for me visiting a grave is not part of the process.  Other people feel very differently.  What I am trying to say is that there is no right way to do this just go with whatever happens and be there.

Steve

Heartfelt thanks All, for taking the time to share these personal thoughts and experiences.

I'm feeling much more confident I can let the River take its course.......

thank you so so much xxx

You is most welcome, huskyGal! So glad you feel more confident now too and I'm sure you'll have a good Christmas despite all that's gone before. xxx