Feeling really down today. We've got my sister's dog with us (see off to r.b in 'general') who's not long for this world, and last night I found out that some of our friends are expecting a baby. We've been trying for over 2 years and I can't help feeling jealous. They have 4 children already between them, and only decided in October to have another. Poor Andrew even rang my husband especially to tell us so I wouldn't hear through the grapevine. My husband has 2 kids who live with their Mum, but come to us weekends and mid-week. I feel so disappointed at times with how things are working out, I can't help thinking we should've had our own little nipper by now, yet all I seem to do is look after other peoples kids, get slagged off by their mother when things go wrong, and also get called the 'wicked step-mother' when I discipline the children. It's a thankless task. Sometimes I find myself looking at our wedding photos with tears rolling down my face, knowing all the hopes and plans I had on that day haven't materialised.My poor husband doesn't say much,I don't think he knows what to say anymore.We've had fertility tests( nothing wrong) and even been interviewed fo adoption( have decided against that). Sometimes life feels so unfair, and right now I'm going through one of those times.  

Bunty,
        Have been where you are now and it hurts so very much....... :-(
Nothing anyone says can make you feel better and no-one knows quite how bad it feels unless they are in, or have been in the situation.....
Seeing as your tests are clear, try not to worry. You may find that if you relax and stop thinking about it 24/7 (which is hard I know), it may just happen when you least expect it  ;-)

If you want to scream and sound off, please feel free to PM me......

Sending you big ((((HUGS)))),
Gabrielle x

Hi Bunty,

Sounds as though you need a big cyber {{{hug}}} ;)  I've been reading your other thread and know it's a dreadful position to be in - fate seems to work like that, when things are bad and we don't think it can get any worse it does :(

I'm sure you do a brilliant job with your step-kids and that even if it seems a thankless task at times they'll appreciate it eventually and be proud to have you around for them.

As for your own kids - hey, if the tests are OK then it will work out - but as I'm sure you know getting all worked up about "trying" doesn't help - the little blighters usually creep up on us when not planned ;)

Sorry I haven't great words of wisdom or anything hugely constructive to suggest but I find it helps in the really rough times to count my blessings.  Sometimes it's surprising how many we actually have - yet take for granted.

Take care, Teri x

arhh im sure it will happen for you,although i havent got step children,when i was younger ,me and my husband tried for a baby for 3 years it semmed like all our friends were having them but not us,i felt so jelouse i used to pretend i enjoyed going out to much to want a baby but really thats all i wanted i used to pray for a little girl.now i have 3 little girls i never thought id have so chin up and try to think possitive.xxxxxxx

Oh bunty, I don't really know what to say but you must keep your chin up, relax, things will be whatever they will be. I know how you feel about the 'wicked step mum' been there myself - boy did I have trouble from his ex but I knew I was better than her so rose above it :) How long have you been trying for your own? I know its easy to say this when you've got children of your own, but I found when I wanted to get pregnant I would be disappointed most months, then I gave up worrying about it and it happened. Please don't get yourself worked up about it, when it does happen I'm sure you will be a great mum :)

Dee

So sorry you are feeling down at the minute. I cant really offer any advise, but i wanted to give you a big {{{{{{HUG}}}}}} I hope things work out for you. xxx

Life is not "fair" however if you feel despondent now, look at it from another point of view, you could have a baby after years of trying and treatment and then discover that your hopes and dreams are dashed when your child is diagnosed with a terminal condition..................

Sometimes it is wise to appreciate what you have rather than what you don't................

Tohme, the poor woman is depressed enough without you throwing other 'scenario's' in her direction. I understand you're probably speaking from experience, as you've done before, but I'm sure she's aware of how lucky she is in some aspects and that others are obviously worse off, I don't think now was the time to be pointing it out to her :rolleyes: :)

To the OP (so sorry, forgot your name), please don't give up hope.  My sister tried unsuccessfully for children for 2 years, and then once she got pregnant the first time she was like a baby-making machine!!  She's got four beautiful children now.  I know it sounds like a silly thing to say but 'it will happen when you're least expecting it' is the most sensible and true sentence I've ever heard!!

I'm very fortunate and am now 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby (very early stages still), and even I fretted after just 4 months of trying, so I can only imagine how awful it must be for you after two years.  Everyone kept telling me to 'try to forget about it and then it will happen' but when you're trying for a baby of course you're going to think about it, it's only natural.  However, we stopped trying the month before going on holiday as I didn't want to be pregnant on holiday, and low and behold, I fell pregnant!  It WILL happen, I bet you.  Best of luck xx

That's not very helpful to an unhappy person, Tohme.

My views as well :( :(

Daisy

I've been in a similar situation and know how much it hurts, no matter how much you try to rationalise it. Sometimes Life just kicks you in the teeth when you're down anyway. It's not fair, but there's bog all we can do about it, except offer support and sympathy. {{{{{hug}}}}}

I'm in a situation where I'd like a child, but won't go with just any man.  Unfortunately looking for the right man!!!!

Just had sad news that a friend of a friend had a baby this morning, he was nearly 10 lbs but unfortunately died soon after coming into this world.

Life stinks sometimes!

Also had a friend who tried for over 10 years, they went through the IVF route and their baby via that route died due to hospital neglect!  A few months after she ended up getting pregnant normally and 3 years later had 3 children in total!

Oh how sad, that must have been devastating.  :(

I've always seen my life as chapters and within those chapters there is the ever-moving roller coaster.  When you are feeling down, things that you might normally take in your stride become more pointed and difficult to deal with emotionally.  It's always good to remember that as well as the downs there are always the ups.  Obviously you are having a very tough week with your sister's little dog for which the outcome for you is not pleasant either way.  On top of this is the news of someone having another baby when this is not happening for you yet and it's made you think about your step-kids and the negative aspects of that.  You've had the test so as someone else has said things happen when you least expect them, all you need to try and do is relax.  Easier said than done but it's true.

Sending big {{{HUGS}}} to you Bunty :-)

Bunty,
I've never been in your situation as I had never really planned or wanted children -they just hapened. But I have  2 friends who were in your situation, and they have 3 kids each now. It's good news that no actual problem has been found, then there is HOPE. I know it isn't the same at all, but a few years ago I had the worst life imaginable. My husband was abusing me mentally and physically and all I wanted to do was to give up -in fact I did try to end it all a few times. I had years and years of things being so bad.  I met somebody else and thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel,I'd be able to leave, then wham! I got knocked back again by him as well. I was totally stuck, HAD to stay with my husband, in a to me foreign country.I begged my mother to be allowed to come back home and live with her for at least a while to be able to get away from my abusive husband (I couldn't even get a divorce as we were living in the same house) -she refused . Even when I got the courage one day to call the police for help THEY didn't believe me either. I was at the lowest of the low. But things can only really get better once they have got so bad, and all of a sudden everything changed, I was able to get away, and now  have a wonderful life. It's not perfect, nothing ever is, but I remind myself every day of how lucky I am. I often wish I could time travel and go back a few years and tell myself that things WILL get better. And I bet if you were able to time travel, your future self would love to visit you now and tell you stories of your children.

Things will get better. I'm sure they will.

I don't think I should be reading this thread - too many sad stories!  Most with happy endings, but still, depressing all the same!!!

Big hugs {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} to you.

I can appreciate how you might be feeling at the moment - and the fact that someone else seems to get everything you've ever wanted can really test you sometimes.  And then you feel awful for feeling that way.

I'm involved with an infertility organisation, and the way you are feeling is very very normal.

Stress can be a huge part of unexplained infertility.  A friend of mine tried for 10 years with no luck, had a lovely daughter through a surrogate and just when they were trying for a second she got pregant herself - it must have been the fact she wasn't stressing about it any more.  Anyway she went on to have another 3 little miracles.

Never give up hope and if you ever want a friendly ear..........

Sarah x

Thanks everyone for all the kind words. I'm quite good at compartmentalising things, but sometimes things come along and I go to pieces. I have a lovely life, I've got a wonderful, supportive husband, who's my best friend . I've got my 2 beautiful dogs who put a smile on my face every day. I try not to obsess over babies, I even run a weekly baby clinic, so there's no getting away from them. I suppose I'm TOO good at distancing myself and then when it becomes more close to home I fall apart, and then I want to scream and shout and cry and say 'what about me?' Things don't always work out as you plan. I'd made the decision at the beginning of the year not to go for fertility treatment, but now I'm not so sure. I'm nearly 38 so not a spring chicken, and the fertility is decreasing all the time...I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, things just get to me sometimes.

Ps. the kids aren't that bad either!

Hi bunty,  I can imagine that fertility treatment is a daunting thought, it looks such a hard thing to go through, but I'd have another think about it.  At least you would feel like you was doing something that bit more positive, than wondering each month why it isn't happening to you.  Would there be a waiting list for it now?  Or could you afford to go private?  Sorry, hope I'm not being too nosey!

Sometimes, I think what we really need is to have a really good shout scream and cry!! ;) We cope with things and let them build up and build up and don't really say anything because we don't want to burden anyone and in the end it ALL comes flooding out at the same time and can seem so much worse than if we'd dealt with it bit by bit.
Stress and upset can go a long way in making conception harder, at least you know theres no real problem, so you're halfway there. If you've taken the contraceptive pill for any length of time that can take time to get out of your system and your body get back to normal, as well as if you smoke or drink or are overweight, it doesn't help things. Take this time to really make sure you're in the best health possible, take your folic acid etc and have some fun...it isn't like trying's a chore is it ;)
And when you've got your head stuck down the toilet, grown out of everything in your wardrobe, feel so tired you could sleep all day And night and are getting up every 5 minutes through the night because you need to pee plus your eating the weirdest things (you've seen the pregnancy cravings thread right? :D ) you'll be thinking never ever again LOL

sending big hugz your way, take care :)

Hi Bunty I have to say that I prefer to think of myself as child free rather than childless, but here are a few things that i have noted over the years.

1. This time of year everyone gets a bit down as the nights draw in, this often makes things seem worse than they are.

2. Holding other peoples babys appears to have a contagious effect, dont ask me why but pregnancy is contagous.

3.You can try for someting too hard, many people I know who have given up hope and fallen pregnant within the year.

4. Nothing in life is a given and maybe it is your destiny not to have your own children. IMHO this makes it all the more fun to be able to borrow other peoples, even if you are an evil step mother every now and then Im sure that even birth mothers get called such things, its just that they cant normally tell the child to 'go home'. 

Finally plan something for 6 months to a years time that will be great fun to do but which will cause all sorts of problems if you were even just a little pregers. Sods law says it will happen. Be it a special event where you just have to look your, best a ballon ride where you would feel ill even without morning sickness or a trip ot Alton towers to go on your favorite scary ride.

Meanwhile we will all keep our fingers crossed for you {{hugs}}

Lol @ Bluebell - I was going to suggest the very same thing, like booking a holiday abroad, fully inclusive like we did, then of course being unable to drink and felt sick all the way through the blooming thing :rolleyes:  Works every time!!!!!  :D

dont feel sad.the more you just try to enjoy life the better chance you have of conceiving.i tried for 2 and a half years. then finally when i got a new job i found i was pregnant within 2 months i think it was down to something new in my life and it distracted my attention for a while so i wasnt constantly thinking about it.

Hi Bunty

So sorry you are feeling so low at the moment.  Some people (this is not at all directed at you!) don't realise that there is actually only a few days during a monthly cycle to actually be able to conceive.  I didn't know this until we tried for our second, because I just couldn't get pregnant!  So if a couple does *it* on 23 out of the 28 days in a cycle, if they miss those vital few days then it doesn't happen. 

I really hope things get better and you start to feel more positive.

For anyone interested have a look here - Best Time

I think alot of people get confused about the best time to ttc.

Alot think that the best time is 14 days after your period starts but it is actually 14 days before your period is due to start - regardless of how long your cycles are.

IMHO the Clearblue Ovulation Predictor Kits are fantastic - when I am trying I use 14 tests every month!!!

Have been laughing at all the recent posts, thanks a lot.! There's not much I don't know about  ovulation etc, but in recent months I've chosen to forget it. I've got an appt with the gynaecologist early Jan and, after a ' you don't understand what it's like to be me' heated discussion, me and my husband plan to have a chat about what the alternatives are.. 

If you are like me the appointment will go 'so you are here as we are going to investigate why after 2 years you don't seem to have been able to get pregnant'. My reply 'well not excatly as I have just found out I am' :D :D

I was getting so frustrated and down but I think I had been trying too hard. Good fun trying though :D :D

We have very friends that have not been able to have kids and although they wished it had happened they are happy in their lots and live life to the full with a no regrets attitude.
Big Hugs and will keep fingers crossed that what ever happens you find more happiness in your life in what happens ;)

Lucy
xx

Hope that you have a good Consultant Bunty ? The one I had been seeing last year turned out to be as much use as a chocolate fire guard, so I changed to one where I work. Embarrassment has gone out of the window these days :D
He deals with gynae, infertility and obstetrics. I think I wasn't ''firm'' enough with my other Consultant, but fortunately this one is ahead of me !!!!!!!! He has been with me for the good times this year and the bad.
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts...
Hugs Gabrielle x

lol a lot  :D  @ Sarahlolly

I never thought I would be able to have children as i had and still have endometriosis (spelling???).  I used to get really worked up each month and convinced myself that nothing would ever happen .

I now have an 11 year old daughter and a 7 year old son.  It took a while to get there but never give up hope.  You never know what will happen.

Keeping my fingers and everything else crossed.

BTW I was 32 when I had Jessica and 37 when I had Jack so I was no spring chicken.  Bothe my sister in laws had children in their 40's so you have plenty of time left.

You laughing at me Mrs???

:D
:D
:D

Yep :D

Brings back memories, when I was trying for my youngest.  I must have spent hundreds on Clear Blue pregnancy tests!  I did 2 daily for about 3 weeks!!  convinced it would show positive 12 hours later :D

LOL!!

And then you get in the habit of peeing on a stick first thing in the morning

*sigh* I miss it!!! LOL

We've both had a few tests in the past so I guees the appt will be  centred around which clinic we'd like to go to.We have to go private as because John has 2 kids we aren't eligible for NHS. Don't know what our tax and NI go towards, the kids even go to private schools! I'm not going to start ranting on.. I need to keep calm and think nice, warm thoughts..At least we won't have to go on a long waiting list..

Ps The dog is still breathing - just

If only you could opt out of paying your national insurance and pay for private instead....

I'm sorry they aren't more helpful...

What ever happens, my good wishes go with you.  You will get there in the end.

Something i found that helped when i was suffering from post-natal deppression (babies eh?!)  (Don't mean to be insensitive)

But i found if i wrote it all down it didn't seem so bad. Not because writing was cathartic but when i read it back it all seemed so trivial!
I thought to myself, "if thats all you have to moan about then lucky you". Now i'm not saying that what you feel is trivial, its just sometimes it FEELS worse than it SOUNDS.

I know you've written it on here but this is more like talking isn't it?!

I decieded to write mine down cos i wanted my boyfriend to find it as i didn't know how to tell him i prefered work to our son. he didn't find it, (men are TERRIBLE at finding things aren't they? Even in the most obvious places!) and after a month i took it away, read it to myself and felt better, then burnt it in the fire.

Worth a try perhaps?

I'll send these for you

:D :) :D :D :)

p.s morning sickness is soo yuk, i felt ill with both mine all the way through, but you'll find that out for yourself soon anyway!!