my friend has a dilemma- her & partner got a dog a month ago.
but for some reason she is panicking and thinking she cant cope with having a dog, we think its because she has lack of confidence and thinks she is not living the way she would like to live. Her partner is fine with having a dog, doesnt think their lifestyle has changed dramatically at all. They only go out on a weekend once every 2 weeks, and are home quite alot.
How can we make her feel more comfortable with the commitment? She is scared that they cant look after dog properly, and keeps saying she doesnt want her, even though she loves her!
Any advice i can offer?

Hi there,

The best advice is to listen to her worries and take them on board, even if you think they are silly. She obviously has some worries and to progress one needs to understands the other person's needs. One sometimes finds that by listening, empathising and understanding is all the other person needs to get on with it. Having a dog is a HUGE lifestyle change, which is hard for people that have had animals all their lives to understand.

So, my best advice is to listen rather than to talk. By allowing her to talk, she will probably find the answers herself.

All the best,
Patty

Thanks so much patty- she does feel more relaxed a chat about how she feels. She is the one who has been around dogs all her life, and knows how much work they are, but she just feels inadequate in every way! The dog and her partner are the most important things in her life, she would do anything for them- but now she's losing weight,and cant cope with work as a vetnurse.
She's going to doctor, but we think she needs a break from work to rebuild herself again- thanks again patty!
By the way- the dog is very stable and has all the love it could wish for. Just wish she was......

I think this is quite a common feeling amongst new dog/puppy owners.  It's interesting relating it to how a lot of parents feel at the birth of their first child - I think there are many similarities.....

Yeap, very often there are a lot more underlying reasons to a problem that are hidden and they just come out in different ways. A very common one is to bring it out in something completely unrelated - like having to cope with a dog, when in fact perhaps it is something to do with having to cope with other things and nothing to do with the dog. :-)

Anyway, well done to you for listening. I am sure she will get there at the end.

All the best,
Patty

Being a vetnurse isn't always all fluffy pups and cute bunnies ;) it can be a very stressful job, depending on the area where they are sited etc ;)  Its likely that this is the real problem ;)  Or maybe someone's made a crack about "new pup, new baby" ??  I certainly had a few cracks like that when we got our first pup and that was really scarey ;)

I need some more advice!?
My friend has been to doc and he's signed her off work, saying she's too anxious/tense- going to investigate further- physically and mentally. She really thinks the dog would be better off with another family as she feels she cant cope, its extremely scary for her as she has always been in control, but now its all unravelling. What do you guys think would be for best? totally rehome dog, or temporarily with friends?

Hi chrisjack, I would say that if others can rally round and help with the dog for the time being - even by just taking it out and popping round now and again - she would be best not to rehome the dog at this stage, as she would then probably suffer failure and guilt feelings.  As she gets better, I'm sure the dog will be a great comfort to her and help her rebuild her life.  I went through a similar situation and couldn't even face taking my dog out but fortunately others helped and I'm very grateful that they did.  Hope she soon feels better.

It may also be the case that she really doesn't want this dog or more precisely the responsibility of it.  Does she work full time? In which case she may be recognising that she does not want to give over her spare, social hours to a dog.  As a vet nurse she will fully understand the demands a dog will bring.  Feelings of guilt may already be there if she feels under pressure from her partner and friends to persevere and this may be what is stressing her.  I think her partner et al need to listen to what she wants and if she says she does not want this dog they should respect that.

The trouble is Isabel that if you are suffering from depression, you can't cope with anything and it isn't the time to make important decisions that you might regret later.  She could make the choice to rehome the dog and then maybe feel even worse.  I wouldn't have thought she didn't want this dog - after all, as a vet nurse she would have been more aware than a lot of people what she was taking on.

We don't really know though do we? :)  It may be having the dog and the responsibilities, fears of it changing her life etc. that is one of the causes of her depression. Just reading between the lines it doesn't sound to me that she was the driving force in getting this dog.  There may be all sorts of issues regarding standing up against decisions made for her by her partner, his reaction to her not wanting to keep the dog etc.  I guess people on a web site can't really sort this one out :)

I would rehome him temporarily.  When she starts to feel better she may really reget not keeping him and this might not help her recovery.  She could also keep up the contact with the dog as well as having a good excuse to keep in contact with her friends IMO.  I don't suppose everyone will agree

Before we got our dog one of my daughter's was in deep depression. She actually didn't want me to get a pup but I wanted one and I thought it would help her focus on something other than herself.  If it didn't it didn't matter because the dog was for me anyway.  When I brought the pup home, the journey was long and she messed in the car and managed to fall back into the poo.  Poor little thing was carried straight into her new home and put straight into the bath so I could rinse off the back of her legs.  My daugher heard the pup crying, came straight into the bathroom, scooped up the pup and put her into the front pocket of her baggy sweatshirt.  We never looked back.  The pup really did help my daughter, I am sure of it. 

Not being able to cope is a classic symptom of depression.  If your friend is feeling this way about the dog she is probably feeling this way about other things as well.  Once the doctor starts to help her she should start to feel better and it is amazing how quickly this can happen.

no we isobel we cant sort this out on forum- but sometimes its just good to get a couple of ideas that i havent thought of, thansk for advice everyone anyway.

Hi Chrisjack,

I don't know whether this is a pup or a dog but, I would recommend that it is re-homed, purely and simply for this reason, a breeder friend of mine once sold a pup to a couple who were absolutely fine when she met them several times I might add. They had previously had a dog and also had another young dog at home.  They happily went off with the pup.  The lady started to have a breakdown would ring up crying saying she could not cope, the husband wanted to keep the pup and could not understand what was going on.   In the end the pup was returned after many weeks of uncertainty and a few months later their other dog was also sold on.

I know that many people have doubts and can be a little afraid at having a new responsibility.  But if that person is having what looks to me like a minor breakdown/depression the dog/pup needs to be re-homed it will take time for her to recover and is not usual about the dog but an underlying problem or illness.

In my opionion the dog should be re-homed.

I know for the first couple of weeks after having my first 2 puppies I felt absolutely terrified about the responsibility I had taken on! If either breeder had phoned up that first week I would have happily handed them back. But you do get used to it, and hopefully your friend will too. If she's really having a breakdown as opposed to just being worrying, of course that's different though. Hope things work out.