OK so I may be 44 but I feel about 8 years old this week!

My mum who is 85 is moving to live 200 miles away with my brother.  I feel abandoned!  I know that I haven't reason to feel like this; I have to work full time and although mum only lives 12 miles away, I can't get to see her as often as I like.  She loves spending time on my brothers farm with his 9 dogs and as him and his wife are at home all day can devote their time to Mum.  She is very healthy and active but of course isn't getting any younger.  My other brother is in the process of buying a property only 2 mins walk away too.

I don't keep in good contact with my brother; he's 16 years older than me and isn't very family orientated but in the past few years they have been good to mum since dad died.  I know she will be happy there and so will her black lab, but I can't help feeling very child-like and mopey.  I know this will mean I won't see much of her (time, money, distance, children, dogs, etc will prohibit frequent visits) and that from now on life will change.  The other thing is that she will be selling her house which has been "my home" for the past 40+ years and it will feel odd to drive past knowing someone other than mum is living there.

I've had more than my fair share of tears this week and I know I am being silly, but it's a very odd situation for me.  I know that I can't devote the time to being with mum that she would like; I'm a single mum myself and my mum doesn't like being out of her house for very long so won't come to visit me.  So I'm 44 and feeling rejected but also I am disappointed on behalf of my youngest who has already been abandoned by his father and I don't want him to feel his Nan (who he loves dearly) is leaving him too.

I know it will get better but has anyone been in a similar situation?

I think your Mum is extraordinarily lucky to have offspring so keen to have their share of her :)  12 miles ain't so far I'm sure you will manage that pretty regularly, just perhaps with more effort than you have been used to.  Your brother and his wife sound like good, caring idividuals perhaps this will present the opportunity to build a stronger relationship with him and also give your son more opportunity to build a bond with an uncle that sounds like a very good male role model for him.  In short try to think of the benefits this new life will bring rather than mourn the "old days" :)

Jackyjat,

Never been in that situation, but anything you are feeling right now is valid, your mum is a very special person in your life and 200 miles is a very long way :( you're bound to be upset.  Especially as you don't know how long it will be between visits.  In your position I'm sure I would be feeling pretty much the same ;)

Is there any way you could move your family to be closer to your mum and brothers?  I know it would be a huge decision, home, job, children, schools etc, but there would be benefits too.

Or would they be willing to set up a computer with webcam which you could keep in touch through?  

Re the house, I have to pass my gran's house regularly, it was sold after she died about 18 years ago, and it still feels wierd that someone else lives there ;)

isabel,she is 12miles away now,but shes moving 200 miles away.

Sorry, missread that :)  

bless you,youll be ok,maybe it will be a opprtunity to get (yourself) abit closer to your brother? im sure your son would have great fun to visit his uncle & gran on a farm every so often.

if you are feeling really down.....theres only ONE thing to cheer someone in that situation up...........A PUPPY!!! ;)

Thanks everyone.

Yes she's 12 miles away now but even that sometimes seems like a million miles.  Together with lots of "old people", Mum has her fixed routine and isn't happy with me visiting after about 7pm!  She came back from three months in Wales on Sunday so I took youngest son to visit after work.  We were interrupting her evening routine and Eastenders was starting soon so she collected all the things she wanted to give us into a bag and stood by the door with it!  I know she loves us dearly though.

I have been to stay on the farm with her once and vowed never again.  It was too stressful as Mum was too worried we would do something to upset sister in law; walk in the wrong place; leave the car in the wrong place; go out too early; go out too late; etc, etc.  For us to move there too isn't possible really.  They live in a remote area and for the first time in my life I have a good career that I wouldn't be able to change that easily (although I would never say never).  I have three children who are all comfortable and settled after the disruption that divorces bring and I value their stability.  My daughter has a bird phobia and although she does have regular hypnotherapy she isn't comfortable around the chickens, ducks and the turkeys in the farmyard so would find that almost impossible to negotiate.  Travel cost, time off work and the fact that I would have to really psych myself up to drive all that way is a bit prohibitive but I WILL go and visit.

I know that her being in Wales won't stop our relationship, but it does change it and change can be unsettling.  My parents were married for 55 years before my dad died and they were always in the same house.  My brother and I only lived in the same house for 4 years as he is so much older than me before he went off into the Army and didn't really ever come home again.  He probably couldn't even tell you what my children were called and has only visited me once in the last 20 years, not because we've got a negative relationship, more a neutral one!

PS Three dogs is quite enough Michelle!

no no no! one more will make it two per hand perfect. just try to think of a likkle pup withouut smiling!!!!!

ok ,whatever happens,it will be fine.
you are bound to feel odd,cos its a big change.
dont worry you will adapt one way or the other, & you have all of us to support you!!!!!

You do still have your mum alive, you can talk to her, and your son can still see his gran - she might not be near but she is still alive - be happy for her :)

I've had to smile happily and wave "byebye" to my daughter and her family, who now live in Hong Kong - we cna only see them a couple of times a year, if we're lucky - we go out there once, they come back once - and I don't know how many more trips we will be able to afford - and now No 2 son has moved to Isle of Man (we're in Essex) - so more or less the same there.

But I know how often I think "oh I do wish Mum/Dad could see this/or I could tell them about that".

Get your mum a computer - older people can learn quite quickly - and both you and your son can talk to her regularly - now my grandson is 8, he has his own email address and I now get jokes (8 yr old boy jokes ) from him from Hong Kong!

Margot

I've had none of my family within 50 miles for nearly 30 years (apart from hubby and kids and hubby's father who we had to move nearer us when hubby's mother died 12 years ago - but that's another story). My parents kicked us out of the house and moved to the IOW 30 years ago :D It might as well be the North of Scotland, as the ferry (and the cost) and negotiating the M25 makes frequent trips difficult (especially now my mother who's 90 is in a nursing home and so we have nowhere to stay). However, we still keep in frequent touch and when I speak to my mother it is as tho' she is still very close :)

The change may seem quite frightening now - but, as you have said, there is nothing you can do about it. I'm sure that after a while things will settle down and you will be able to come to terms with it. Elderly parents are such a worry, aren't they :) Try to look upon it as an opportunity for you to have a break and let your brother take his share of the worry. Things will look better eventually :) Take care :)

Daisy

Thanks everyone for your support.

Lokis Mum, I will suggest she gets a computer but I am laughing to myself as I type this given the fuss and bother we have over anything new such as using a remote control with the TV, cordless telephone and dvd player!  She has got a mobile phone and large instructions written on an A4 laminated sheet to help!!!!  My brother isn't computer orientated which won't help and he still uses an old fashioned typewriter to help mum with all her correspondence!!

Mum is supposed to wear hearing aids but doesn't like to be seen as "disabled" so hardly ever wears them even tho she only has 40% hearing.  This does make communication difficult but I am a good letter writer and in the days of digital cameras can include pictures too. I am happy for mum and pleased that she has this opportunity and is willing to make such a change in her later years.

I find it strange how much like a child I feel at the moment; it's odd how we revert our roles, isn't it?

PS I can't possibly have another puppy!

However old we get, deep down we're still little children. I quite understand how you feel - my mother's a three-hour drive from me and it's very difficult to visit her as much as I'd like. The phone bill gets very big ...

I have lived 2 hours drive away from my family for about 12 years now. it did take a bit of getting used to, but you can get used to it and there is a bright side :).

When we speak we say the things that are importaint (and I dont have to listen to the full medical history of one of mums friends that I have never met) and I can fix my call times so that I get to speak to my dad without my mum taking over. The time that we do spend together is very precious and focused entirely on that, not on fixing taps or changing light bulbs.

Im not sure that has come across as I ment it to but what Im trying to say is that we probably cram far more in to the time we do have together than we did when they lived just round the corner.