Had some shocking news on Thursday. My 18 year old daughter has run off with my friends 46 year old husband.
I dont know where they are at the moment but are probably staying in a hotel somewhere. Have been speaking to a couple of friends about this and had conflicting advice. I know what she has done is wrong but dont want to cut her off as this will probably end in tears and I am sure it will be hers and I want her to know she is always welcome here but not with him. Although she is 18 she only looks about 16 and is so immature. She has not had a boyfriend before and I do think that he has taken advantage of her but the situation is so awkward with it being my friends husband. I have had to listen to her calling my daughter all the names under the sun and cant defend her because my poor friend is in bits at the moment. How would any of you deal with this would you still be there for your daughter?

What a very sad situation to find yourself in :(  Whilst being prepared to give your friend support and a shoulder to cry on I don't believe you need to continue allowing her to call your daughter but should gently tell her that as she is an immature girl who has never had a boyfriend before both she and your friend are quite clearly both the ones done wrong to and further more she is still in the situation.  Hopefully the scales will fall from your daughters eyes sooner rather than later and I am sure you will welcome her back.  Hopefully your friend will see that she has been wronged too and will forgive her.  I hope she never forgives her husband though :)

Definately. As you said, she's only young and immature and has obviously had her head turned by this rat who's probably filling her head with romantic notions. Age and experiance show us that it'll more than likely end in tears- probably hers. Be there for for her, try not to be too judgemental- you don't want her turning away from you. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in and you have my sympathies. Your daughter is your responsibility like it or not. you made a committment to her when you gave birth. I'm not saying you should condone what she's done, far from it, just be there for her. As for your friend, understandably she's devastated.Let her know you don't agree with what's happening, but also make sure she's aware that your daughter is your priority.
He sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis and it seems that he's the main villain in all this. Try to get your friend to see that. Sounds great in theory I know, reality is very different.
All the best. I'll be thinking of you. When you see him next give him a kick in the B******* from me.  

What a mess!   Your poor friend, and poor you - and poor daughter too!

I think this is where you have to do what the church used to say "Love the sinnner, not the sin".

I do realise that your friend is in absolute pieces at this situation, but I think you have to take a step back from her here.   IMO, your priority has to be your daughter.   As you say, this snake has taken advantage of your daughter's youth - she's obviously been flattered that a MAN - not a boy - finds her attractive, and she has fallen for him.   Let her know that you are there for her - not him, not them as a couple.

This situation could go two ways:   your daughter might realise that he's not what she wants/he might realise that she cant give him the home comforts his wife can, and he will return to his wife - in which case, your friend will have nothing more to do with you because you wlill always be the mother of That Trollop.    Or your daughter and Mr Snake might become the absolute couple - in which case you may have to accept him :( - and again your friend will have nothing to do with you.

Keep a low profile - if you slag him off to your friend and he DOES go back, she will remember that you slagged him off - not that he deserved slagging off.

You are in a dreadful place - between a rock and a hard place - but I think you have to make your relationship with your daughter your priority.

Margot

i agree,shes your daughter,you need to be there for her.
its very easy when you aRE YOUNG not to see the "bigger" picture,(ie the wife) & you have no idea WHAT hes told her about his marriage.

I do agree with everybody that has replied and my instincts were to stick by her which I will do. I moved away from the area that I used to live in about 3 months ago so am now about 150 miles from where my friend lives and from where Amy my daughter was staying because she didnt want to move with me. She was working in a local shop but wont be able to go back to work as it is a small town and mfriend was in there on Thursday looking for her. Luckily she was off sick. What makes it worse is that my friend has just finished having chemo for breast cancer and is still not very strong. She finished chemo about 10 months ago but has had a few probs recently and is undergoing teats.
He has told my daughter that his marriage was over long ago and his wife showed him no affection etc etc and she is naive enough to believe him.
I spoke to my friend for about 3 hours on Thursday evening and yes we both slagged him off but I dont think I will phone her for awhile as its very hard to know what to say. The friendship will never be the same after this anyway. I just hope that Amy (daughter) comes to her senses and comes home. I have told her she is welcome here anytime but not with him. Just hope shes not in for a lot of heartbreak.

I know what I'd want to call a worm like that!!  Don't slag him off to your daughter too much, either - she will go on the defensive and make excuses for him, etc etc.   Just keep telling her that there is a home for her with you ;)

Wishing you well

Margot

We had a similar fiasco in our family, my daughter got married in 2003 (2nd marriage) and unknown to us all her husband has been seeing my granddaughters 17yrs old friend, the "friend" became pregnant, by this time loads of rumours circulating around the neighbourhood but daughters hubby kept denying anything, granddaughters friend still came to house to see her etc. etc.  My daughter and hubby seperated and before you could say "cheese" he had moved in with the granddaughters pal who had just been given a house by the council, when baby was born last december they were still denying having an affair, my daughters lawyer suggested she go to the registrar of births etc and get a copy of the birth certificate, surprise, surprise, the stupid fool had registered the baby in his name,  daughter now waiting for a divorce because of his adultery.    My granddaughter has been so upset about this she feels she is to blame for keeping bringing her friend to the house she has started self-harming herself, nothing we say or do can get through to her that its not her fault, I was out at 2am this morning looking for her as she had slit her wrists again, but will not go to the doctor or get help, we are at our wits end and dont know where to turn to help my granddaughter, she is now 19. Any advice would be welcome.

Awww Marguerite....i really do feel for you, it must be so hard worrying about your grand daughter all the time.

Sending big {{{HUGS}}} to you & your grand daughter xxxxx

hi I don't know if this will help but perhaps you could talk to the National Self Harm Network - its for family and friends as well as self harmers.

http://www.nshn.co.uk/

I have friends that self harm and also work with self harmers (although much younger than your grandaughter).

They can offer some support and advice even if your grandaughter does not want to confront it (yet).

I do hope this helps.

Sarah x

Ohhhh man.  I don't have kids bit I feel for you - I really do.  I hope everything works out ok and your daughter comes to her senses. (hugs)

I agree with everyone on here.  Once reality sets in likely they'll come down with a bump.  I would be very careful what you say to your friend as she is more likely to be a line of communication.  He will probably need to speak to his wife about practical matters such as money and children (if there are any), anything negative you say may get back to your daughter.  Your priority is your daughter, so don't feel guilty about your friend, it's not your fault.  I really feel for you, I have 2 daughters and I know the angst they can put you through but really this is not all her own doing.

thanks to everybody who has replied. I will just sit tight and hope that this will not last long and then hopefully she will come to live here. She cant really return to our hometown.
I wont be talking to my friend but obviously if she rings me will be careful what I say. They have got children but they are all older than my daughter. The youngest one is just a couple of months older than her and they were in the same year at school.

as I thought it would this relationship haS ended in tears. He dropped her of at her friends this morning telling her that he loved her and everything was going to work out and then the coward texts her 5 mins later to say that its over. She is incosolable at the moment and I just wish I could be there for her but cant due to not being able to drive and no one to look after the dogs and younger kids. Luckily my ex and his sister have picked her up and she is round theirs at the moment. I left a lovely message on his mobile as he hasnt got the b****ks to pick up and speak to me. Spoke to my friend who says she wont take him back but I think she probably will but just not at the moment. I just hope she will come here and start afresh but she wants her friends around her at the moment.

What a shallow 'B'!!!  didn't take long for the novelty to wear off.  Whilst his ego has been boosted no end your poor daughter has been given a very tough lesson on the negative side of men (for want of a more appropriate word).  Well at least this means she is well shot of him and in care of family which is so important.  Too often young girls who take off are too embarrassed to show their faces after being humiliated this way and end up trying to fend for themselves.  I hope you will be reunited with her very soon as she will need lots of love and understanding to get over this.  Having said that, I have found with one of my daughters who has had some trials and tribulations of her own, that youngsters can be quite resilient and given time can bounce back. 

What a horrible situation for you :(  Margots advice is spot on.

This happened to a friend of mine but in a slightly different way.

Mt friend 15 at the time, her boyfriend (late 20's early 30's) moved in with my friend at her parents house.  She was at school still, he was unemployed and my friends mum a stay at home housewife.  They ended up having an affair and running off together.  My friend lost her boyfriend and most imprtantly her mum.  After about 6 months the mum came home and moved back in with the family.  They did move away shortly after because they needed a fresh start.

Heartbreaking situation.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

Ali