my young cousin (15) has recently been seen kissing an older guy (37) whilst doing her paper round. I had a chat with my auntie and together we confronted her. After many tears and tantrums she admitted that she had been seeing him for 8 months. People are starting to hear about it now and my auntie has forbidden her to see him. Problem is, my uncle is very strict with her as he was a bit of a tart in his youth and is very aware of teenage hormones.If he found out he would do some serious damage to this guy and be in a lot of trouble for it. Second problem is my aunt has realised that she has not been asked for sanitary wear this month and is deeply worried. My cousin insists that she has not slept with him but now all her lies are starting to unravel we do not trust her word. She is refusing to take a pregnancy test and my aunts hands are tied at the moment due to trying to keep it from my uncle. Shall i tell him whats been going on but tell him my aunt didnt know so it gets her out of the frame as he will be angry at her for lying to him. Shall i threaten to tell him so that my cousin takes the test to see what we are actually dealing with, shall i turn my back on the situation and leave it for them to sort out? My aunt has been confiding in me as she has no one else who she trusts and i am very much involved now. The other issue is we live in a small area and rumours are flying, so it is only a matter of time before it gets back to my uncle and then when he finds out we both knew he will be double angry. My instinct is to tell him and my aunt together and pretend i had just heard it as this will save any anger towards my aunt as my cousin has continued to see this guy. My aunt cant even keep her in without a valid reason to tell my uncle and my cousin knows it. When she is at home she sticks by his side so my aunt can not question her. Advise and a different point of view would be appreciated. Thanks.

This man has to be some kind of pedophile , i think i would disown my daughter (if i had one) in the same situation. I've been watching to much jerry springer and Maury in my days , lie detector tests to get to the bottom of this always works. Maybe im being a little unrealistic :p

I'd say let them solve it , unless you are really close with this young lady and could 'talk some sense' into her it would be best to leave the situation.

To be honest - if it were my daughter I'd be calling the police.
A 15 yr old kissing a 15 yr old is one thing - but a 37 year old man!!!!!
I'd want to make sure he never went near my daughter (who at 15 is still a child) ever again. I would then work on making sure my child enjoyed the rest of her childhood. At 15 she should be doing youth club and sports - not entertaining grown men. If the poor girl is pregnant she will need alot of support. I hope for her sake that she isn't.

I agree Rachel. One big problem though. If not careful the girl could pack bags and run.
If its not long till she is 16 then she could ruin her life. I certainly wouldnt disown her. She is confused by a man who is probably highly intelligent and capable of the mild brainwashing used to control youngsters.
If she says they havent had sex then there is nothing the police can do. nobody can force a pregnancy test.

i wish I could advise but cant. I would just say dont jump in both feet first as this could be the worst thing. If everybody gangs up against her there will be nowhere to run so to him it will be.
could you not have her confide in you so she has a freindly relative when needed.

All the best and I hope it works for you.

I too would get the authorities involved.  As an 18 year old I was involved with a 38 year old with my parents full approval!!  I wasn't mature enough to understand the implications of seeing a man this age who was mentally and pysically stronger than me, and it has affected me for the rest of my life.  15 is VERY different to 18.......

How close are you to your cousin? Would she talk to you about it? Or has she spoken to any of her friends about it? I would have thought she might tell someone who she felt wasn't judgemental towards her. At 15 she's still very much a child who needs protection, however grown-up she feels. If there's nobody who she can confide in, I think it the authorities should be told - older men can be very manipulative, and she probably still believes everything he's told her ...  :(

I think the best thing you can do, is see it from her point of view. At 15 she is NOT a child, she is certainly not an adult, but she isn't about to go and start playing with her Barbie dolls is she? She will have adult thoughts and feelings, with only a childs rights and freedom. She will be as confused as you are.

She is 'in love' with a MAN who 'loves' her, her Mum is angry at her, her Dad doesn't even know, although by the sounds of it, he will know soon enough and she will be waiting for the fall out, she may or may not be pregnant, should she tell this man, does she want to know her self?

We have all been 15 before, it is a horrible age, put on top of that 'everyone' having a go at her, and disliking this man that she has very strong feelings for, if all of her family shut the door in her face, she has no choice but to go to the man, whereas if she has another 'safe' place she is more likely to go there. She will know deep down that the relationship is wrong - or wrong timing - and she will be more worried than you/her mum/dad/everyone else about this pregnancy.

What you need to do is be there for your neice, I know this sounds hard, but forget her mum, explain to your Aunt why, and she will understand. The only way this girl will open up to you, is if she trusts that you ARE NOT going to go and repeat what she says to her mum, and NEVER tell her mum, if she is pregnant you can help her, and try to persuade her to tell her mum, it won't get to the point where she is about to go into labour before her mum will know, your neice will tell her mum a lot sooner is she has a 'friend' who is asking her to.

I know this might just sound like a lot of rambling, but I can remember quite clearly being 15, and it is so difficult! The main thing is not to make her feel like a naughty girl, she is an adult - of sorts - and will not take kindly to any presure or lectures. Be her friend.

HTH and good luck :D

in this country, it is illegal to have sex under the age of 16 . allover the world , there are peodofiles , ruining the lives of children . IMHO as the mother of 6 children , 3 of which are teenage girls, i think you should go to the police . this could be an "innocent "age gap relationship , but it could be sinister & i think you have a responsibility to act within the law .i know some girls with makeup & sexy clothes ,do look a lot older ,especially in pubs etc, but she is walking around, delivering newspapers !! all credit to you for getting involved in this ,protect her , she will probably hate all involved for a while , but teenagers resent any adult intervention to stop them doing what THEY want to do !!!! i do hopeyour cousin comes through this experience , and matures into a sensible  young lady
kind regards
caron

Hey,

If this girl was delivering newspapers then this man must have started talking to her, I dont know many newspaper girls/boys that knock on the door for a quick chat. In this case he should know that she is young and SHOULD have left it at that, but he didn't he carried on talking, invited her in, took her out, started a relationship.... In my eyes it sounds like this may not be his first time... I would tell the police and wouldnt be suprised in he was on the sex offenders register!

Have you thought of talking to the man yourself?  I'd tell him that if he doesn't stay away from her you will report him to the police (he may already be on their sex offender list) also i'd tell him that you think she may be pregnant and why - you will be able to tell from his reaction if they have had sex at all.
Also it probably wouldn't hurt if he is not scared of the police to warn him about the father who is on the verge of finding out.
If he the man ends the relationship then the teenager will return to her parents.

If having spoken to him you are convinced they have slept together then i'd call the police anyway - who knows how many other young girls he has seduced???

Sharon

I did this when my daughter at just 15 was seeing a young man of 22.  I made it clear that even though my daughter was being out of hand and wild out all hours that she was a child under the age of consent and he was an adult who I would hold liable for any harm coming to her.  My daughter was livid, but the lad took a step back (I was nice to him even took them both out for diner one time).  In the end it turned out he was two timing heer wehn he wasn't getting what he was after!

She then started seeing a lad who had been her first boyfriend at 12 (about a fortnight if I remember), and with whom she had stayed freinds for the next few years despite her ups and downs.  They have now been going steady for over two and a half years and have just gone on their second holiday together.  He has been a very calming and steadying influence, so I find I can't object to their relationship.  they even share the cost of running a car.

If they go to the police, the girl will say they haven't had sex, and nothing can be done. The police wouldn't class him as a sex offender, and all it will do is alienate the girl even more.

If it was me I would be her FRIEND, not join in with everyone else having a go and fighting against her, teenagers may be difficult, but they are not beast's. Be her friend, suggest/ask/request do not TELL, and she will come to you when she needs to.

The thing that has to be remembered is that regardless of ages, she 'loves' this man, and even at 8/9 years old when you have your first 'boy friend' you know the one that you never talk to because you are too embaressed, but of course you love him, even this deserves a bit of respect, and when it all goes wrong because he held some other girls hand, they still feel hurt and betrayed. This girl obviously has some degree of real feelings for this man, that needs to be respected before she will open up.

Why not be very open with her, tell her your not keen on the situation, but you are willing to give this bloke a chance? Especially if she is pregnant, and this relationship continues bad feelings won't help anyone, if it doesn't last then see what she want's to do regarding the police when they have broken up. At 15, he will be her whole world and more, that won't change until he does something wrong - if he does.

I think Natalie's advice is excellent - you'll not help this girl by alienating her - she will need a true friend when her dad finds out - and throwing her out will only throw her on the street, or into the arms of this man.

Margot

I agree with Natalie too. I remember being that age very well and Nat is right; if she feels like everyone is against her she will run to that man and who knows what could happen from there. To her it isn't a silly crush, she thinks she is in love with him and that no one understands her. She shouldn't be treated like a monster, if anyone is a victim here, it's her. I would take her somewhere grownup like a little country pup so she knows you are not babying her and tell her you want to help, does she need anything, you will always listen etc, etc.

My mother met my Father when she was 15 and he was 28, they eloped together when her Mum put her into boarding school, so I do know how it can go. 

After 18 years Mum decided she had missed out on life and left my poor Dad, with me at 17, and brothers 18, 10, 8 and 5.

Of course she may be in Love, and you never know the man may be too, but he is the grown up here.  If his intentions are honourable then approaching him will at least open up the lines of communication.  If he is up to no good then he will know people are onto him and back off himself, and then you can help her deal with that.

If you are to be grown up about it then so should she be so suggest that she invite her boyfreind to meet with her Mum and you. for a meal.  You can say it is in order to pave the way for him meeting Dad, after all if shw isn't doing anything wrong, or to be ashamed of surely introducing him to the family she should welcome? 

If he is a decent individual he will try to do the best by the situation, if not then he will end the relationship as he won't want the scrutiny.

In my opinion, it is a mistake to exclude the girl's Dad.  If he gets to hear from someone else, his daughter, wife and the 'boyfriend' will get it in the neck!!!  It would be better if he heard it from his wife, maybe he will react differently from what she thinks and solve the problem!!  Stann........you would be better off staying out of it altogether if you can!!

Thanks to all, I took natalies advise and offered her support as a mate. She came around today and took a test, which was thankfully negative so one less worry. She also had confided that she tried to end this a few months ago as she felt the age gap was too much and the guy slit his wrists and she got back with him. Also more worrying is that he has no job, no ex partners, no mates and his place is always full of young girls. I diplomatically explained the reasons why us oldies did not think it was a good idea and she promptly told me it is a shame for him as he is lonely and she feels sorry for him when he is on his own. I think her blatent behaiviour was to get caught out so she would be forbidden to see him. She is 16 in 2 weeks and she did say he aske her to move in with him then. Hopefully she has took in some of what i have said to her and she will stay away at the moment. I felt by talking to her today that she feels more sorry for him than loves him. I didnt tell her mum anything i felt she really didnt need to know and what i did tell her was with my cousins consent so she knows she can trust me. I did tell my cousin that anything she told me would be confidential unlessi felt she was in danger which she agreed to. She is afraid he will continue to phone and follow her until she feels bad again and goes back with him as she broke it off telling him that we knew about it as soon as her mum found out. I will keep you posted as i dont think this is over. I said if he bothers her then the police could warn him off but she said she doesnt waant to get him into trouble. She said talking to him wont work as friends of hers had told their parents who had spoken to him and he tells them where to go. What a manipulator and what a worry. Cheers for quick advise all, its nice to get an outsiders view as my instinct was to knock on his door shouting and screaming and that would have made matters worse.

Excellent news on the whole - your cousin knows she's got a friend she can trust, so that's half the battle.

As for That Man - I've known manipulative people who use emotional blackmail like this before, and they're not mentally sound. Your niece (and other girls) is in danger from him, and until he's receiving treatment, for his own sake, then she shouldn't be near him, for her sake. If he calls her then he really ought to have a restraining order put on. If you can convince her that it's to help him, not get him into trouble she might consider it. Good luck.

Stann,

Well done on getting her to open up and trust you. Thank goodness the result was negative!

Now we know more about this man, something needs to be done. I hope you don't mind but I have PM-ed you, please show it to your cousin, it might be enough to scare her into going to the police.

If she want's to ask me any questions about it, that's fine, if I can help her, hopefully she won't end up in the same situation as me - or worse.

Good luck

Nat

Hi sorry to hear about your cousin, i cant imagine what you all must be going through. He is in fact breaking the law it is a offence to have any sexual relationship with a minor and yes she still is classed as a minor in the eyes of the law, i would be seeking advice if this was my daughter. im afraid if someone informs the social services your uncle will then have to know the truth as questions are going to get asked. can you not speak to your cousin and try to get her to listen and see what implications this will cause.
good luck

Sounds to me as if this man is at the very least a master manipulator using emotional blackmail to get your neices attention and that of other girls.   Personally I would encourage her to report him to the police, if he's having lots of young girls around in his house and encouraging them to stay and threatening self harm if they don't want any more contact, then something's definately not right, he may only threaten to hurt himself but how long before he goes further? Following her and phoning her if she tries not to see him is not normal behaviour, its called stalking.  It could be that he already has a record or the police are already aware of him, but if no-one tells them what he's up to then they can't do anything.  This sounds really creepy to me, especially as your neice is scared he'll do something.

Your neice won't be getting him into trouble, he's getting himself into trouble by his actions and behaviour :rolleyes:

oh what an awful lot of pressure the poor girl is under !! she must be scared to death !!this man is obviously very unstable and i do feel worried about all this. i agree with Dill, this is very creepy, and i would urge you to inform the police ! i mean ,if your niece keeps away from him (i hope) then what about all the other young girls who go into his home ??
caron

Just to put what he's doing into perspective,

When I was a young mum with a young baby I used to visit the library a lot (money being scarce)  and there was a youngish man who used to 'look' at me a lot, this progressed over the next year, to him following me around the library eventually getting closer until he was a foot away :(  at this point I left the library if I saw him in there.  But then he started to follow me out of the library and into other shops   I was scared,felt really silly but I went to the police station and reported it :rolleyes:  They told me I should have reported him when it started but I told them how silly I felt (how do you report someone for just 'looking' at you? ) They couldn't do anything at that point but asked me to try and catch him at it (they needed proof) Then one day I saw him sidling up to a young girl and looking over her with the same 'look'   Well I went mad, reported him to the librarian who kept an eye on him while I went and got the police, a plain clothes detective came with me straight away and they carted him off, I was told after he did this sort of thing a lot but they'd never been able to catch him 'at it'  They were worried he'd get bolder and actually do 'something' and it would be too late to help another girl.  I haven't seen him since - and this is a very small town!

The point is that the police took what was happening REALLY SERIOUSLY, even tho he hadn't actually approached me or even spoken to me ;) they pointed out that once creepy blokes start, they usually get worse :(  but it takes a brave person to report what's happening before it can actually be stopped.

I assume that as she took the test then they have had sex? In that case he's broken the law and you should try and persuade her to report him. This man sounds very dangerous.

IMO Personally I would tell the police, this sounds like stalking to me!

If that didnt work, then I'd tell the uncle and make sure this pervert got a good talking too!

Oh dear this whole thing sounds all too familiar, when i was 15 i started going out with someone who was 25, my parents thought he was just a friend, I didnt see him all the time as i actually met him on the net :-( BUT he called me all the time, wouldnt leave me alone, threatened to kill himself if i left him, made up all sorts of lies and sob stories to make me stay with him and because i hadnt told my parents any of this i had no - one to talk to.
That went on for 2 years and then eventually a friend of mine who i could confide in told him to get lost, told him how he was messing my life up and how i didnt need him hanging around as i had exams at school etc i dont know exactly what was said to him but he seemed to be well and truly warned off! Im 21 now and he still tries to contact me online once a year or so telling me he still loves me and that hes drinking himself to death but i block him as soon as he creates a new name on aol.

Im with my lovely man now, weve been going out 2 years and ive been able to put this behind me but i dont think i will ever forget it and i know just how your cousin feels - so maybe you should talk to this man, with cousins consent or go to the police because it really can mess with your head and your life

I don't think the police will do anything unless they have proof, but they might want to watch him having lots of young girls goin in and out.  He could just be incouraging them to take drugs, have sex sell their bodies anything.  I would think the girl in question is really afraid and needs you as a friend now more than ever.  There is also the risk of AIDS.  There is also the chance we could all be wrong about him but hes still needs watching.

My uncle would batter him, especially as its his baby concerned. I am phoning the police station tomorrow for some confidential advice and my mum is phoning the police annonamously to say she has noticed lots of young/underage girls going into this mans house, just so they are aware of this, if he has a history they will investigate him. My cousin is coming around at the weekend and i will have another chat with her and see what her outlook is on the situation. Hopefully she will allow me to contact other authorities as i dont want to go behind her back after gaining her trust. I will also be able to show her this link and she can read what you have all said which may make her think differently. Fingers crossed.

Congratulations on the way you've handled this - you've managed to get your cousin's confidence, and things would seem to be moving in the right way!

Margot

Well done on gaining her trust. I must say.. you have to tell her to ignore him. I know how evil older men can be to young girls. Im scarred for life from what happened to me.. (not a ex boyfriend or anything) and explain to your cousin that she will end up maybe getting seriously hurt. Tell her to let the stoopid git to cut his wrists and do what he may.. it isn't her problem if he wants to mutilate himself. This man is some sort of peadophile if he's going around with 15yr olds. It's sick.
She needs to know.. he could over power her so so easily.. with tragic consequences. My prayers are with you all and i hope it all gets sorted out.  x

Well i thought i would give you all an update. My cousin hasnt been seeing this man since we all found out, he has however been following her around. He doesnt speak to her she just keeps seeing him. Tonight he approached her saying that he had heard that she had a boyfriend her own age, which is not true, and that he would find him and give him a kicking. My cousin told him where to go and went to my mums as her dad was home at her house. In the street that he approached her, my sister was visiting a friend and heard the commotion and phoned my mum to tell her my cousin was on her way and told this guy very impolitely to go. 15 mins later he arrived back in this street looking for my cousin with a very scared young lad with him. She wasnt there and he asked the other teens if this was the guy to which they replied no and he went off with this lad in the car before my sister got back out. She phoned my mum, who with my nan, went to the street. He had gone but my sister got his car reg. 10 mins later he came back shouting and cut himself,my sister had already contacted the police and phoned them back to say he was in the street again, they arrived within mins and it took 10 cops to arrest him. They also compounded his car after taking something out of the boot. My cousin admitted to my mum that she felt sorry for him and scared about what he had told her he would do if she ended it. Thankfully she has now put an injunction on him so he cannot be anywhere near her or contact her in any way and he is currently cosied up in a police cell. What a fruit loop.

I was wondering how she was getting on Stann, I am sorry it, or he, is still causing problems for her, at least she has had the courage to put an injunction on him, and has tried to stay away from him. He won't be cosied up for very long, however depending on just what it was they found in his car, he may now get some help/punishment, the whole thing may have just been enough to wake him up, and realise what he has been doing.

I wish you all the best of luck with it :)

Nat xxx

I'm so glad things seem to have been sorted out, it was a very worrying situation.

Lindsay
x

This is a good result but you need to stay vigillant.  It sounds as if he has real personality problem as well as may be something wrong mentaly.  Keep safe.  If it is any consolation the police will have to look very deeply into his background now and if his home is rented he may even be forced to move on.