One of my dearest friends has asked me to be matron of honour at her wedding in a few weeks time.  The wedding has been arranged at very short notice and I am shocked to say the least.  Although she had known this guy for several years, they haven't been in a relationship other than friendship.  Earlier this year she suffered a severe breakdown and made two serious suicide attempts.  I feel she hasn't received the help and support that she needs to help her recognise her difficulties.  He has been very good to her but does not recognise her illness.  She has several aspects of her behaviour that are still very troublesome and will continue to be so if they are not addressed - she has an eating disorder. 

I want to be happy for her but I am finding it hard as to be quite honest, I have never heard anything so ridiculous.  This will be 4th wedding for her and 3rd for him.

I've come to the conculsion that I can't do anything to stop it, all I can do is to be there for her children who are distraught.

It feels a bit strange discussing something so personal to me on here but I would like other peoples perspectives and I know she certainly wouldn't look at a dog forum!

I think as you say, you can only really be there for her children, and of course her if things do go bad. The last thing you should do is try to stop her from getting married, this will just cause her to push you away, and then there will be nothing you can do.

Maybe if you are quite close to the intended hubbie, you could perhaps have a VERY quiet word with him, just to see if you could get him to try to help your friend. If not, there really isn't anything you can do.

I know it must be a very hard position you are in, but this is what makes a friendship real :D

Try to not beat yourself up about it, who knows, this marriage might be the very thing your friend needs to keep her going?

Good luck :D

Does he have a hidden agenda do you think?  What does he gain from this marriage?  I would be suspicious, especially as the kids are against it too.  There's not much you can actually do.  I'm sure you've tried to think of ways to dissuade her, and there's no point in going in too heavy handed, as you'll just end up losing a dear friend.  Not sure what to advise except to be on hand to pick up the pieces, as every good friend would, should things go horribly wrong.

I too have a dear friend who was in a terrible relationship with an alcoholic for 15 years.  I found out very quickly that people will listen to all the advice you can give, but few act upon it.  With relationships it's a case of the heart totally ruling the head, I'm afraid.  Fortunately, she's finally away from him, but only because he has now sunk so low, he's almost a tramp, and certainly not because of any advice I gave her!  We "fell out" over this man several times, and as she really is my closest friend, it was very painful each time. 

Good luck with it - I think you're going to need it !

Thank you for your responses.  In my heart of hearts I know there is nothing I can do, and as you rightly say Vicki, I don't want to risk losing a friend.

The saddest part is that I don't believe she is actually able to make such a decision at the moment, given her mental state and her fear of loneliness has led her to this.  I wlll always be there for her but that's not the same, is it?

They had the wedding booked for three weeks before even telling anyone, even her children (only minimal guests and no reception as she can't cope with guests or going out!  She said she didn't tell anyone as she knew they wouldn't approve.

Its very painful watching someone you love dearly, make such a bad mistake.

I think Vicki makes a good point - what's his rush?  What is his agenda?   And how old are her kids?  There are men out there who prey on vulnerable women to get access to their children, for reasons you can probably imagine.  Even if this isn't his motive (and God forbid that it is) why a wedding now? 

I work with people who, while looking for 'love', are actually bringing huge bundles of needs to a relationship and expecting the other not only to satisfy but to actually identify them.  Sometimess it can work out but more often it leads to difficulty and even disaster, yet for some reason they all think a visit from the 'Wedding Fairy' and the spending of lots of money will cure everything.  Sadly it never does.

I think you've had good advice and I'm sure you have good instincts:  stick by your friend - she might have great need of you in the future.

TBH if it were myself and my best friend in your position, I would talk about my concerns to her. Get a few drinks down her first to relax the atmosphere and loosen her tongue and then express your feelings to her. If your friendship is really worth something and you are close enough it should be able to withstand honesty and you never know, she may be having doubts herself but not be sure about sharing them. :)

I understand what you are saying colliesrus but this isn't a 'normal' situation. 

Alcohol is certainly something to be avoided in this case and wouldn't help in the slightest, she needs to be teatotal.  Our friendship can, and has, withstood honesty over the years but the problem is that at the moment she is ill.  She is taking a whole host of psychotropic medication and is very unstable (in my opinion).  There is a whole host of denial going on about the whole situation, e.g. he believes she is better now and has come to her senses hence her agreement to marry.  Under no circumstances is this the case - but then he thinks it is fine for her to have the unhealthy eating patterns she has AND do the amount of exercise she does.

I know she has doubts - after all, after over 25yrs of friendship, I know her very well.  She won't be sharing because she doesn't want to recognise them herself.

I have had serious mental health issues in the past and yet there were a few friends I could trust to be honest with me.  Although they did it gently they did tell me what I needed to be told, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Fair enough if alcohol is out of bounds but I still think you should tell her of your fears. She may not want to hear it now, but look at it this way; In years to come, when it all goes wrong, she may well say to you, why didn't you try to stop me, why didn't you warn me about what I was doing? It probably wont make any difference but you never know, it could be enough to make her think. If not, at least you tried. :) You are obviously a wonderful friend to her, she is lucky you care so much.