It seems strange to come on here and pour my heart out to people I don't know and am never likely to meet but being up most of the night thinking, don't, here I am!  Unfortunately, for those of you who know eldest son's history .....well he's gone and done it again.  I don't know what to do or where I've gone wrong, yes i know he's 22 and old enough but I can't help feeling the failure.  I don't think he'll be coming home for a very long time this time and I don't wanna sound mean but I can't do it anymore, I had just began to believe his life was on track, nice office job, somewhere nice to live etc. etc., Then out of the blue a phone call from the Police at 22.50 last night telling me he'd assaulted girlfriend again!  I despair, the chats we've had about walking away etc.,  I know she wasn't innocent whilst he was in prison the first time and he had found out this week but we talked and I told him violence wasn't the answer towards her or the other guys.  He agreed but obviously his emotions got the better of him.  I can't justify his actions and I've seen her and thankfully she's ok as far as ok can be.

I don't know what's going to happen and I put my life on a 6month hold at the beginning of this year and do not intend to do that again.  I won't turn my back on him but cannot possibly support him the way I did through his first trial.  I doubt he'll come home today and I possibly won't see him for weeks, i do hope he's ok but it's stand on your own two feet time I fear.

Sorry to burden you with this but I don't talk to friends nor relatives through shame I guess but feel I can type all this and get it out of my system. x

You have my sympathy however your son's actions are sadly all too common from men(& women)involved in domestic violence & unless he wants to seek professional help the cycle will not be broken

There is no acceptable reason for one person instigate violence towards another no matter what the provocation & some can be quite extreme & until your son accepts he has a problem and starts a constructive course of action to control his anger, this will happen again & again. Basically he has to hold up his hands & stop blaming other people & get help

It is easy for non professionals on the outside to say walk away & wash your hands but you cannot in all reality, but please stand back for awhile & try not to get too involved, he is an adult & needs to make the decision himself to get help

You must be so dissapointed Craigles, so sorry this has happend to you again :(

I feel very sorry for you :(

I don't have much sympathy for him however , you have given up too much already, you have supported him and believed in him , I feel now is the time to tell him that unless HE pulls his finger out then he is on his own.

There is NO excuse for violence against another person and especially against a woman no matter what the provocation and I think you know this.

Let him face the consequences of his actions. You can give forgiveness but only if you are sure that he has learned his lesson and is willing to DO something about it

I am so, so sorry for what is happening to you, but as hard as it is to accept, none of us can be responsible for the behaviour of our offspring once they are adults!  Having said that, our kids are always kids to us regardless of their age.  Keep your chin up, none of it is your fault!

Craigles, I am so sorry - but as Oldilocks says, you cannot be held responsible for your son's actions - he is an adult, and he has had all the support and love that you have given your other children.    It really is his problem - and HE has to face up to his actions and take responsibility for it.    "Love the sinner, hate the sin".   

Keep coming on here, and venting your feelings - all we can do is offer you as much support as we can, but you shouldn't feel guilty.

{{{hugs}}}}

Margot

When I saw the heading I thought Oh No!! I think this time HE has to face the consequences of his actions which are HIS actions not yours. I don't have kids but have a very dear friend who I think of as a sister and she has 3 boys. Thankfully they are all grown and nearly married with no trouble but much as I love them I think if one of them was in your son's shoes the best thing might be to step away so that he had to deal with what he had done.  It won't be easy for you I know but I think maybe you owe it to yourself and the rest of the family. I'm I right that he has a younger sister who was very upset last time? Really just sending you {{{Hugs}}} and please don't feel you are to blame.

Anne

So sorry, Craigles :( Just when he seemed to have sorted himself out. It's not your fault - you have been a true mum, but can understand that you can't do it all again :) Look after yourself this time.

Daisy

So very sorry craigles, but don't feel it to be your fault, you did all you could and at the end of the day he's a grown man who should know better.  Kids never listen to us, no matter how hard we try they always end up doing it their way :(  My eldest spent one christmas and his 21st birthday behind bars, even though he came out the day after his birthday I was so hurt  I never even got him a card :(
Please don't feel ashamed with your friends and relatives, if they love you they will support you. But of course we are all here for you whenever you feel low.

<<hugs>>

Dee

So sorry that you are going through such a tough time. There are support groups for the people that are left on the outside you know! It may help just to speak to other people who find themselves in the same situation.

As for your son he needs help, which may well be available to him in his present location, but he needs to admit to himself that there is something wrong in the way he reacts before they can really help him and ONLY HE can do that.

Craigles,

You are NOT to blame for your sons behaviour - he is a grown man.   I can understand how very hurt and disappointed you feel after giving so much time, support and help earlier this year.  I think you are absolutely right to say enough, after all you have your daughter to consider and your own life too.  It may well be that if you back off this time he will accept more responsibility for what has happened, don't feel bad for doing this - its called tough love and it does work ;)  Hopefully he will get proper help for his problem where he is, and will also learn to recognise when he is in an unhealthy relationship and do something about it before it gets to this stage.

Sending you [[[[[HUGS]]]]] and wishing I could give you a large mug of cocoa - it sounds like you need it.

So sorry Craigles,  you must be so disappointed in him.

Thinking of you
Sandra

16.10 yesterday he's ringing my doorbell!  He's to go back on Tuesday at 16.00 to find out what course of action is to be taken.  I maybe hastily judged the situation and gave the wrong vibes out on here as I mouthed off about him before I knew the situation!  I've tried so long to see the good in him as I know it's there as he is a loving brother and has never been violent to my knowledge before.  Sorry for that and apparently the reason he's let out is they have CCTV footage of it happening which shows he was acting in self defence (from her) apparently he only pushed her off him, admittedly his shirt was all ripped and he had scratches on his neck and a lump (small) on his head where she hit him twice with her mobile phone!  According to him he was walking away from the situation and she wouldn't let him, he knows now to walk away, calm down and face the problem when calm which was what he was trying to do but she wanted to sort it there and then, I do know she doesn't know when to stop but I often think this is a woman thing as I'm not innocent of that crime!  I feel awful if what he is telling me is the truth as I judged him wrongly for which I apologise profusely.  His Solicitor visited him in the local Police Station and is the one persuing the CCTV Link.  Next time mouth and shut will spring to mind before I know the facts and hang the boy !  I am so so sorry but I assumed and you know what they say never assume or it will make an ass out of u and me!  and it certainly did me! 

He even rang in his work when allowed a phone call as he was due in on Saturday to explain the situation and they were fine and said come in Monday and arranged the Police Station visit on Tuesday at 4 as he finishes work at 3, I do so want to believe all this, why am I such a doubter, I wish I wasn't. 

Good luck Craigles :-) to you and your boy.....it sounds to me like he was only defending himself.

Innocent until proven guilty :) :)

Glad its not as bad as it seemed in the first place - you have had enough on your plate lately!

Margot

Maybe it is HER not HIM who has the problem? That could explain why she stood by him the first time it happened....guilty conscience!!  Who called the Police..............?

my son says he called the Police, he is petrified of going back to Prison and thought he's tell them before she did, there are e-mails from her to him which he's shown me saying she'll go to police and get him locked up again if he don't meet her within a specified time.  i told him to print them off and take them with him on Tuesday.  What I don't understand is why does he still love her when she treats him so badly!  I asked him if he would stay away from her now and he said I'll try!

If i we're him i would print off the e-mails now and take them to the police before Tuesday :-) otherwise if he doesn't meet her you may have the police knocking on your door today :-( is all he needs to do is take them and give them to someone at the police station....then if she does call the police atleast your son's covered his own back......just a thought :-)

Does sound hopefully like she may be the problem.  Unfortunately there are abusers from both sexes and their partners quite often want or need to stay with them.  I hope all goes OK this time round, but it really sounds as though he needs to stay out of this relationship.

This may sound incredibly judgemental, but she really sounds like a complete tramp. Whatever she has done I know it doesn't justify any violent behaviour from him but she comes across as a real sl*t. If your son stands any chance of sorting his life out he needs to avoid ppl like her. I can just picture her in my head. :( I can't stand ppl like that. Hope your son is ok and has learnt his lesson at last. Hugs to you too. :)

Colliesrus, you are writing what my husband says all the time, he's banned our 11 yr old from seeing her and when J first come out of prison he banned her from the house and asked me not to have anything to do with her but I refused as I always feel for her as she has no parents, she was adopted at an early age, her adoptive parents abused her, she self harms and has lots of issues and baggage i'm afraid and she has nobody in the world apart from my son and me.  I know I owe her nothing, I've supported her and like I said in an earlier post I only found out this week she had been sleeping around when J was in prison the first time, since I found this out I've only seen her once and that was Friday night to make sure she was ok.  From day one of their relationship my husband has cruelly called her the 'bunny boiler' although never to her face.  All of the above she has told me and until this week to my knowledge she had never lied to me but I guess I'll never know if the above is true.  I know he's better off without her, I do wish her well although my husband would never say this, I just wish she would leave J alone and get a new life for herself without him and then we can all get on. 

So glad it wasn't as bad as you first thought Craigles,

It does sound as if this relationship is not a healthy one, she may have loads of issues, she may even have a mental health problem,  but this doesn't mean that she should be allowed to mess up someone elses life as she seems to be doing.  Yes the term 'Bunny Boiler' comes to my mind too :(

Is it at all possible that your son would be willing to go for relationship counselling/counselling? at least then he would be able to talk to someone not involved and be helped to assess what is happening in the relationship and whether it's one which he should continue with.  It very much sounds as if this girl needs proffessional help before she causes any more damage, would she trust you enough to let you help her get the help she needs? or perhaps the police could convince her of this?  Her doctor would be a good place to start.

Hope things improve for you all soon.

Hi Craigles
So sorry to hear of your / your son's situation. 
I agree with Dill - this does not sound like a healthy relationship and could jeapordise his freedom.
Cases of domestic violence where men are the victims, although not as frequent, do happen.  Given that she has had an abusive upbringing, could it be that she is (subconsciously) engineering violent situations because they believe it shows the other person cares about them.  I have no idea if this is the case here, but it does sound like she needs professional help.

Hi Craigles

I am sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. But regardless of who was actually to blame this time there is history of violence and unless they both take steps to break the circle then it will never stop.

Good luck to you your family and the girlfriend. As people say you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Karen

Craigles

This sounds like a very distructive relationship and people dont realise how much it affects the extended family.  Maybe if your son was with another girl and his girlfriend found a different man they could have normal relationships.  It seems, like someone has already said, that his girlfriend gets her self worth through knowing she can get this reaction from your son.  Sometimes 2 people just come together that really shouldnt and hopefully your son will realise this, but sometimes in very Love/Hate relationships, which have massive highs and massive lows they become very addictive and hard to move on from.  I wish you and your family all the best. 

I'm really sorry to hear all this is coming up again, keep strong!

Lindsay
x

Many thanks for all your messages, when he went to the Police Station on Tuesday he was bailed until the end of August so just as you think it's all over, it begins again.  However, today 11yr and I sitting on a bench up town eating chips!  (well they smelt good when we were walking by and we did share a portion! ..honest!)  anyway, girlfriend comes walking towards us and I thought I'd call her bluff and said 'now then how's that son of mine and what happened to him at Police Station on Tuesday?'  She told me he was bailed until the end of August etc., I said and how do you feel about this ?  She said she felt bad as it wasn't all his fault, but now she had moved on, she hoped he could get his life back on track, I queried this and she told me she had a new b/f already!  I couldn't believe it!  But boy am I happy!  Let's hope it lasts!  I don't blame her or him they are a bad mix as someone else said and they became addictive.  Now I know she's met other fellas before whilst J was in Prison but I truly truly hope it's over this time. 

Seems like me as an adolescent. I got into fights until i was about 25 and had tried every drug immaginable, wasn't till i started playing professional 'american' football till i knew getting roughed up on the field was funner then a good ol' fist fight. I would never hit a women!

That's good, now let's hope J realises that it is Over, for good and all!

Now, hopefully, you can enjoy your holiday - you deserve it!

Margot

Thank you Margot, going on Tuesday to Turkey for a fortnight, I do hope they can stay apart, we're all out tonight and a few more of the family for a Chinese as it's daughters 21st Birthday today, so I'll have a little chat with him hopefully tonight!  No nagging though I promise!  lol x

Craigles.........sounds like good news!!  She sounds a 'right one'!!!  Where is your son now?  Does he know she has "moved on" and is he O.K. about it?  I have got 2 sons so I know how you must be feeling!!  I am sure that when he finds 'the right one' all this nightmare will be forgotten!!

I dont think I would tell your son about this alleged new boyfriend she may be saying it just to get him jealous and cause a reaction AGAIN.

Have a lovely holiday.

Son doesn't live at home he lives in a flat near to his workplace, I saw him last night at daughters 21st bash at a local all you can eat Chinese (and this morning I'm still so full I can hardly move! Never again!).  he seemed fine at the meal.  He was chatty, he obviously still must see her or have contact with her because he said to me 'Charley said she saw you today' I said 'yes, has she got a new fella?' he confirmed this and all I said was 'don't spoilt it for them J, let them get on because you know you two won't ever work' to which he agreed.  Now what was going on his head in reality was another matter but I tried to not make a big thing out of any of it and went onto talk about his new job which he is enjoying immensely by the sounds of it.  Arranged for him to come round at the weekend for a meal and look at my computer (he does all the fixing and it's gone a bit slow).  Now all I've gotta worry about after Tuesday is that they all behave themselves, 22 yr old (J), 21 yr old and 17 yr old to be 18 in September!  when I'm on holiday.  I'll have almost daily contact with daughter (21) as 17 yr old is staying with her and I'm sure they'll see J or be in touch via text so hopefully all will be ok.

I hope that he soon finds himself another girlfriend in his new workplace to take his mind off things!!  God, it is a nightmare having teenagers isn't it?  Try and switch off and have a good holiday though!!

Wont make this too long but i had a similar experience to you (not the violence) or police involved though but girlfriend with baggage and young son from prev relationship,anyway it went on for a few years her snapping fingers everytime they broke up and son going back,last straw 3 yrs ago she was having sons baby,they got a flat son paid off her existing debts so council would give them a flat and within 2 yrs he was back home,she screamed she shouted and neighbour who was a policeman advised our son to leave for the eve and he would keep an eye because of the children anyway they talked next day and reluctantly he left leaving everything behind,(he does see lot of children) and helps her out with diy jobs on flat but at last realises she is no good for him and will not go back even though she now wants him to,so take heart maybe this time he has been hurt to much and will knock it on the head it does happen eventually although at one stage you cannot see it,all you do is worry and it does take over your life. 
Best wishes Lynn.xx