I am reading a debate on another board with interest - here is the gist:

Womans partner earns 10k per annum which is almost a third of what she earns. They have one daughter. Partner is retraining for a difference career. They are in debt by 30K. She feels as though she supports the family whilst he takes no responsibility for finances.

Both work full time.

Is she wrong to be angry about him not being able to support his family? If it were the other way around and he was supporting her - she says there wouldn't be a problem.

She is currently being reprimanded for being unsupportive of her partner - but is she? Does she not have a right to expect him to contribute equally when there is a child involved?

Also - her opinion on it being OK for the woman to be the under-earner is OK but not the man is quite strange...

Any thoughts anyone?

I thought 'partner' meant 'equality'? It's not his 10k income and her 30k income - it's their 40k income. After all, it's their family ...

Good point...

Excellent point!

Might have guessed you n me would be the first to reply :rolleyes: we are SO opinionated JG :p :p :p

Also we have nothing better to do than hang around on the net all day! ;) :D

As we have been told on MANY occasion :D :D

Surely what comes round goes round in a marriage?   INow I am one of the "older" generation on the board (been married for more years than most have had hot dinner :D :D - 42 to be precise) - but there is no way that I would have expected, or do expect, to be kept by someone else for the whole of my married life!

At the start, we were both on similar salaries, then I left work to have the chldren - no maternity benefits or tax credits then - so OH "kept" us all.  I then returned to work, on a lesser salary, then I retrained/returned to college (no grants - I was a married woman therefore husband should keep me ;) ) then went back to work, again on a similar salary to OH.   He then became sick & unable to work and once again, I took over.   Now he's back working, but I'm top earner.  

We're soon going to be on pension only - but we've always done it that there is a joint a/c into which bill money/savings etc go, but personal a/cs for our own "spending" money - not a lot, but managed to keep some independence.   Most of the time, though, we work on inter-dependence.

Margot

Sauce for the goose .... She is being very sexist .

What she needs to remember (IMHO) is that they are BOTH responsible for the finances and the home. The amount coming in is immaterial and, whilst he is earning less, he should not be made to feel guilty about it ..he is retraining so I assume he will eventually be on a better age.

I pity the poor husband :( He must be feeling fairly emasculated anyway and this woman is making it worse.

Stephen has been retraining for the past two years and took a drop of over 20k in wages ..quite a blow to him and, even though I wasn't earning more than him, I tried to be supportive in every way I could

Good grief could imagine if a bloke said that. I think she is being unreasonable. I currently earn the same as my partner but when I qualify next year I will be earning much more than him, this doesn't bother me at all, nor him. We are in debt up to our eyeballs but the last thing you should do is lay the blame on someone you need to work out of these things together as a family. I think people forget this is the 21st century sometimes, a man should not be expected to support his wife, these days you need to work together.

Sarah

I think if you are both contributing to the best of your abilities their is nothing to complain about.  When one partner is training for a new career they often need to be supported by the other but usually both see it as a means to an end.
I have to say I wonder about this woman's feeling for her partner generally if she finds this irritating.  I hardly work at all and even if I did I could not hope to approach my husbands earning power but it never seems to bother him in the least.

OK, I see it from both perspectives really...

I can understand why she resents the gap being so wide in their earnings, but he is retraining for another career, therefore its a short term problem. I cannot understand why she thinks its OK for him to support her though - whilst she resents supporting him!

Perhaps she should see as supporting each other, and his new career as an investment in the future??

Hmmm - apparently (going on from another post) there are no guarantees that this re-training will result in better money....

Ok I see your point, but surely if the hubby is happier in his new career, it will help all round even if not financially ?

But if a couple are in debt up to their eyeballs...can they afford to take such a drop, happier or not?

Yes :) I speak from experience....being in debt and having a happier relationship  is better than having lots of money and loathing your job

But I understand he already earned significantly less than she did, so the debt would still be a problem; and I'm sure the debt is not just down to her hubbie.

Its a partnership, as in all you have to take the rough with the smooth. And be supportive of each other. Or if not. Then whats it all about.

Me and hubby, have both earned more than the other at times. And we are also up to our eyeballs. But realistically, although we may argue about money. We never blame each other for the lack of the others earnings.

swings in circles IMOP

alix

My hubby would love it if i earned more than him,perhaps then he could work fewer weekends. He wouldnt complain one bit if i told him to quit his job so i could 'keep' him(if we could afford it) :D

It sounds like this woman is an ego tripper!

I feel that the gender issue doesn-t come into it at all really.  When I was younger (29 this year, I went to university, had to leave after my first year as could no longer afford to stay). My fiance (we live together) has often told me to quit work and go back to university and finish my studies, saying he would support me.  I have never done this as I would not like to be a burden on him and feel that it would be rather selfish of me to do this. 

I used to earn significantly more than the ex, which I worked for anything upto 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. But I always considered it was our money. I think the worst of it was when I would come home in different cars, TTs etc. Eventually he started competting and we ended up in debt, just as I was made redundant.

If he was lazing about at home then maybe she would have a point, but he works too so his contribution is of equal value even if not of equal renumeration.  Hard cheese on her.  If she keeps moaning then maybe whe will just take his 10k away to keep himself and she will be worse off, and chances are with another home to keep he won't be able to support their child any more than he does now.

My daughter is nearly 18 and her boyfreind of two years is two years older.  He used to be in quite a wel paid job but one without many prospects.  she used to work Part time on Saturdays and after School.

She started Full Time work in November, and he took an apprenticesghip which pays just a £100 a week, so now she earns more than he does, but she doesn't begrudge paying for him sometimes when they go out and paying more towards the holiday they are taking in august (re spending money they are saving for).

I suspect the woman is very worried about the debt - 30k is a huge amount - and possibly feels he should take the debt more seriously and contribute to sorting that out more?

Also, is it just about finances - does he help around the home and with the child?

I def. agree it's not just about money - Des and i are much happier since he left his graphic/web designer job, as he had to work to deadlines which were usually totally unrealistic.At the moment we're not earning much and living on savings...he starts a full time fine arts degree in September, I start part time also in September as a mature student. We're both happier and enjoying life more (hope we still feel the same a few years down the line when we're penniless) LOL :)

Lindsay
X

Have to agree with most of what has been written by all :) As someone said it's not how much you earn - it's how much you contribute overall, in all sorts of ways and depends on the circumstances at the time. I didn't work at all for about 5 years when the children were small. I could have done, but would have required a nanny - hubby and I agreed that was not what we wanted for our baby, so I gave up work. I have worked part-time for the past 16 years, while hubby was the main bread-winner (or not when he was made redundant). Now he wants to take early retirement at 58/9, so (as I am only 49 - ;) Mel) I will be keeping him for the next 10 years or so. I'm more than happy - it's my turn :)

Daisy

>>> (as I am only 49 -  Mel)

You are SO going to be made to suffer on your Birthday LMAO :p :p :p

:-p :-p :-p

Daisy

Throughout our 30 years of marriage I've always been the higher earner but we've always held joint bank accounts and, as we've always had enough money to go round, we've never really had any problems.

But I think if we were really honest we would both have preferred the more traditional roles of him being the main earner and me being at home more. 
I suppose it's just a case of making the best of the cards you're dealt :)

We have both had periods of being the highest earner. However I think what is more importaint is the overall contribution to life together. If one is busy at work it is nice to know that the other will take more of the burden at home etc. I have to say that I am finding it quite difficult that Im not really earning at the moment, having been used to having a really good wage, but love the fact that I am at home more and can sometimes take time to make him a special meal during the week, which would never have happened when I had a busy job. 

I found all your comments really interesting, as only the other day I was accused of setting feminism back 100 years, which I found quite hurtful.  My fiance earns about 5 times what I do, and pays the vast majority of our living expenses.  The woman who had a go at me was horrified by this and couldn't understand how I could be "kept" (her word) in this fashion.  She was really pretty nasty.  I don't have a problem with our situation and I feel that it will balance out in the end, as I stand to inherit a substantial amount so we'll probably live on that when we're old as we're crap at saving!  Gosh, that sounds like I'm swanking - I'm really not, I'm just trying to explain the situation.  Anyway, I was cross that I felt I had to justify myself to someone I don't really know.

My fiance doesn't resent the fact that I earn almost nothing and I think that even in 2005 a lot of men want to be the provider and would feel uneasy if their partner earned a significantly higher salary. 

While I firmly believe that men and women are equal, there's still a part of me that wants to be looked after.  I think that perhaps there's a bit of a backlash in my generation as our mothers were the "superwomen" who combined children, a high-powered career, running a household etc.  I admire people who can do this more than I can say, but it's not what I want, and surely everyone should be free to make choices without being judged.  I'd be quite happy to stay at home and have lots of whippets!

Gone way out on a tangent now, sorry for rambling but I just wanted a moan about the woman who was mean.

Feminism (IMHO) is all about choice ....and by saying what she did to you, this woman is trying to take a choice away from you !

Ignore her ...I have been accused of a similar thing because I have been a full time housewife and mum for many, many years :) It is no ones business except yours and your others halfs

Well, in that case, I haven't helped the cause of feminism either!  I wish with all my heart that I didn't have to work.  I would love to be a "kept" woman - if only :(

In the meantime, however, OH earns almost twice what I do, so I beleive we have a nice 50:50 type arrangement:

He earns it:I spend it

Now what could be fairer than that eh? LOL :) :D

Well,my husband and I both work and although we both earn good wages he earns slightly more than I do.He has always said he wishes he earnt enough so that I didn't HAVE to work...and to be honest I would give up work tomorrow if I could.
However the issue has been taken out of our hands as HE is about to lose his job due to a shoulder injury (his work are sacking him for being off work...don't believe he's ill)There is a possibility he may never work again.Now if I looked at it in the same way as the woman in the original question surely I would have to kick him out because I will be supporting my family single handed and unfortunately his dismissal is going to cause us serious financial hardship.All I can say is that if that the way she looks at things then she cannot be totally commited to her relationship.I love my OH dearly and if I have more financial input into the bank account than he does well so be it.As long as each is doing their 'bit' be it working,housework,child care etc then whats the problem.
Archer

I totally agree - as long as there is sharing, then what's the problem?  It doesn't matter what you do (housework, childcare, earning) as long as you do your share :)

Exactly :) My husband has never ironed, hardly ever bathed the children, changed nappies, vacuumed etc etc But he has (mostly) earned a good salary and done virtually all the work on the house (installed 2 kitchens, 4 bathrooms, decorated, woodworked etc etc in a couple of houses) but how would you measure that and call it equal ? - you can't :) I've earned a fraction of the salary that I was earning before the children, but that's because I've put the children before a career. It's equal in our eyes, we are happy and that's all that matters :)

Daisy

Funily enough the times when I have been earning a really good wage it has been my male collegues that have been the problem. Since I was in Electronics/computing there were plenty. Problems really start when they have a problem and start throwing the rattle out, claiming it is impossible to solve. When I then solve it for them they cannot handle it (even though Im always really careful not to rub their nosed in it) :D

The other thing that caused problems was the fact that 9 times out of 10 when I finished work I wanted to go home and start on the list of jobs there/ be with my OH. They wanted to go down the pub and drink for half the evening, I was variously accused of not being part of the team and causing trouble for them at home when their wives found out it was not essential to the job.