HELP ME! I am currently having a problem with my in-laws to be (specifically my partners mother), neither me nor my partner are religious in any way so we are having a civil ceremony on 17th December this year and then a big party afterwards. The problem is, is that my partner is chronically shy and I am not a fan of crowds so we wanted to have the 'ceremony' without anyone there (just witnesses), we see it as just a formality anyway, signing a bit of paper, there wouldn't be any readings or soppyness, all the stuff I want to say to my partner I want to do in private.

Anyway silly me didn't think this would be a big deal and after speaking to my mum (who said I should do what I want, even if it means her not being at the actual signing) we went to partner's mum, well his dad answered the phone and said that we should do what we want and that he would tell partners mum. that was 4 days ago and we havn't heard a thing, what am I meant to do now? Jack (my partner) won't ring because he's terrified of his mother, and I don't thik it's my place to, we have heard second-hand off his dad that she is not happy but I just don't know how to approach this. How come everyone wants us to do it how we want except his mother?
Any suggestions as to next move would be gratefully received!

Sarah

Well if she is unhappy about it, at least she is keeping her thoughts to herself :)  I would just breeze on doing what you want to do without making any further issue over it.  Everyone is getting to celebrate at the party afterwards by which time it will be water under the bridge.

Me and my ex wanted to do something similar. Our families opinions were it was our day and we should spend it how we wanted.

It is a tricky one. As parents though maybe they've always dreamt of seeing their child getting married, your parents too possibly. My Mum always said that I should have the wedding I wanted, but I can imagine her dissappointment and upset if I'd excluded her and my Dad from the actual ceremony. How many witnesses do you have to have ?. Can it be parents ?. Most parents I'm sure would be so happy and proud to see their child exchanging vows, church or otherwise. It would be so sad if this issue was always in the background.
Anyway, whatever you decide, have a wonderful time.

Val

My OH's family would have a party for any reason, I'm the shy one here, so when we planned our wedding we didn't tell anybody until the week before, booked at registry office, booked our honeymoon for the next day.  My M-I-L still hasn't forgiven me, as she wanted ALL the family from up and down the country to come......but we didn't.  My parents were fine about it, we enjoyed the day even if  M-I-L sat at the back with a face like the back of a bus........we've been married nearly 18 years now and she still makes comments about it............tuff!!

It's your day, enjoy it!!

When our Son got married last year, we were told their plans, which were to get married in Hotel grounds....our opinion was not asked for or given(although we would have liked them to have married in Church), it is your Wedding, your day........Enjoy !

Its YOUR day, so do what YOU want to do, how YOU want to do it and where YOU want it to be :)

If MIL2B has a problem I have a spare cage and padlock if your intrested!!!!! :D

oh ice queen don't tempt me! I'm having to bite my tongue as it is, I think the thing thats' annoying me most is, that if she had just talked to us saying that it was SO important for her to see the actual ceremony then we wouldn't have had a problem with it but she's really got my back up now and I'm trying to stay reasonable. I was told the most stressful thing you can do is buy a house together (which we did last year) I think planning a wedding beats hands down, the politics is unbeleivable, maybe I should get Koffi Annan in to sort it. Hmmm

Sarah

Could you MIL2B not be a witness if she desperately wants to be there?  If you don't want that, then you should do what you want as its your wedding.  One other thing though, I wouldn't take anyone else's word on how she is reacting (no offense, but especially a man's) as they could be reporting it totally wrong!  I often sound off to my partner about things, but often that is all it is, getting it out of my system - I would be horrified if he told a third party as sometimes, once the immediate emotional reaction is out of the way, you can see things clearer.  I say have a word with her, and explain why you want the ceremony as you do.  Just my opinion.

Fiona

Why not just accept the fact that she hasn't said anything to you - she may not like it, but she may be struggling inside NOT to say the wrong thing!!!

Margot (speaking as a prospective MIL myself, who has to remember that as mother of the groom, I dont HAVE to do any of the worrying....:) )

Margot I think you've made me see it a bit differently, I keep forgetting that she is probably worrying about stuff as much as my mum is, I think it may be difficult for her because this is the only child she has that will get married, it's really difficult balancing what everyone wants especially as my mum is single and can't help with the money side of things, wheras Jack's parents are together and are quite well off, they have offered money but there are conditions like we have to have a really big do'. I wouldn't mind her as a witness if she only spoke to us about it, heres hoping we'll get a call tonight.

Is anyone else in the middle of wedding arrangements?

Sarah

I'm sure you'll work something out - remember, she has done something right - she did produce your sweetheart! :D :D

Margot

Yep my daughter is getting Married in September.To be honest I was suprised as they'd booked the church the reception and the night time doo before telling anyone what they were planning. However we go on Saturday to pick THE DRESS :D

oooh picking the dress is a big thing, good luck. I wish we had had the sense to arrange everything before telling people, then we wouldn't have the problem of people telling us how to do things!

Sarah

Never mind arrange everything before telling them, it really helps if you do everything before you tell them :)  Hubby and I just booked the registry office and last minute roped in a couple of our best mates as witnesses before heading of for some cocktails, a slap up meal and a trip to a nightclub.  Neither parents minded when we phoned them from the honeymoon suite as I have three sisters and Hubby has two so they had weddings galore to fork out for and squabble over :)

At my wedding i would like - witnesses, my parents, OH's parents, my brother and his wife and OH's sister but i can imagine that causing problems with Inlaws, especially since i dont really want to get married in a church as i am not religious and OH's mum is

just an update and rant, me and Jack were both very grown up about it and decided to invite close family (even though it's not really what we want) so Jack rang his mother last night, his dad answered and she was shouting in the background that she wouldn't speak to him, we have tried ringing again and sending a text message but no reply! Is it me or is this slightly childish behaviour? I am so angry right now because Jack is really upset and I just want to scream at the silly woman :: , all we wanted was to discuss it like adults, nightmare! (ok i must remember to breathe) it's a bit early but i think i may hit the wine very shortly, it's the only way. :D

Sarah

Personally I don't think you should have scratched at the scab :) if everythings quiet I always think it is better to do and say nothing, it's going to be hard to go back to plan A now so, again, I would say go ahead with plan B with a smile on your face and don't attempt another discussion about it.  It is so important that you enjoy your day, I know I have never forgotten mine, and I really think you need to forget about these issues or you are in danger of sinking into the mire :).

Personally i think she is being VERY selfish, why try and hijack your day!

She's had her wedding, this ones your, she will have to like it or lump it, don't let her use emotional blackmail to get what she wants.
Once she realises that your not going to budge then she will come around.

Mothers, mine and MIL always try and use emotional blackmail, it worked for years but now we just tell them in no uncertain terms to sod off! :D

Very satisfying

I don't think she is being too bad at all, she obviously is a bit upset and to a degree that is understandable and she was very discreet about her feelings until pushed a little further.  The point is she is going to be family, I believe when you marry, your husbands family become yours and it is always better to love and care for your family whatever their failings at the very least they deserve respect.  I honestly think that attitude has contributed to my marriage being an extremely happy one for over 20 years now.  Maybe its just coincidence but my sisters have all fallen into conflict with inlaws and have all had failed marriages.

The problem is I DO think of them as my family, that is why this is so upsetting, all we wanted to do was talk about it, we havn't heard anything from her since we suggested it to Jack's dad. I just wonder if we don't try and get in contact, how long is she going to give us the silent treatment? If we haven't heard from her in a week, or a month, then should we call?

I don't want this to get any worse, so do you think we should just leave it till she rings us?

Wow Isabel you have been married for 20 years?! Well done, it's better than my parents managed!

Sarah

why not let parents be their two ?

we have agreed to have our parents there, but we can't get the message to MIL2B because now she won't even answer the phone!

Roll on the weekend, and enough chocolate to sink a battle cruiser :D

Sarah

Send both sets of parents an official invitation.
:)

I would just continue making contact about other things and really wouldn't go on about it the wedding arrangements, just take it as read.  That's the way your MIL seemed to be wanting it anyway as she does not seem to have initiated any of the "incidents".  Don't forget this may be annoying you but it will be very painful for your fiancee as he loves you both, if you love him you will want to do whatever to minimise his pain.  I bet more than anything on earth he wants you both to be good chums. 
I promise you if you have picked your man with care and set a happy tone right from the start 20 years of happiness is a doddle :)  It bothers me when people talk with some relish about sorting relatives out you are really better off never adopting that attitude from the outset.  Like buying a puppy if you have found a good one how can you not respect its breeder :D 

20 years for me, too.
:)

We like you wanted to go abroad and get married on our own, but mum convinced to go to registry office and then drinks at the pub to keep the cost, now it has turned into church affair and full blown wedding reception, mothers hey!!