Hi please can anyone give me any advice,iv'e been put in a situation that i do not like at all,my niece turned 16 on the weekend and now she thinks that shes able to do what she likes we are very close to each other if she has any worries shes comes to me,but her latest stint is that she has been speaking to some lad on msn for a while now and tonight she emailed me asking me if i would allow this lad to stay at mine for the weekend i do not know this lad and i think that she is asking alot of me to do this ive told her that im not going to allow this and i told her that she is to young even to be thinking of asking this lad to stay especially at my home her mother,my sister does not know of what she is asking and i just dont know what to do'do i keep quiet or do i tell my sister,iv'e explained to my niece the resons why i dont want this lad at my home but she keeps on asking i just dont know what to do.jen

Hi Jen,

Obviously it's a worry for you BUT on the plus side you have such a close relationship with your niece that she feels able to confide in you and that's a huge compliment from a 16 year old nowadays  :)

I do agree with what you've said and think you should stick to your guns on it even if for no other reason than you clearly don't think (nor does your niece) that her mum would approve.  Perhaps you could reach some sort of compromise - could you maybe suggest she brings him to your home - with you there - for lunch or a tea-time snack.  Something that's not a big deal, gives you the all important opportunity to suss him out and if one or either of them is affronted by this suggestion you can at least point out that she is not only very young but being very naive to be so trusting of a stranger and so putting herself at risk - explain that after all, if he's an OK guy he should not be put off her because she is trying to behave in a sensible manner.

That's how I'd ride this one - but you have to weigh up if it will make her less likely to confide in you again - try and keep the ports open on both sides.
VERY BEST WISHES,  Teri :) 

Thank you for the reply and i understand what you are saying,yes it is a very big compliment knowing that my niece can confide in me,the thing is if it was possible to have this friend of hers come for dinner it wouldnt be such a problem but he lives in sheffield and we live in south wales,i wish this was the only problem but ive caught her talking to this lad on msn and what they say to each other is not very nice,also a few weeks back my niece wanted me to lie for her she wanted to go to sheffield by herself to see this lad and wanted to tell her mum that she was staying at mine for the weekend i told her i wasnt gunna lie especially over something like this and she left it at that i just know what she is thinking or for that matter what she is going to do next ive told her on many occasions that she has loads of time to meet this lad when the time is right and when she is abit older and when her parents are ok with it,her parents know they chat to each other on line but thats it my niece has never met this lad only spoken to him

Jen you replied while i was posting the other reply. Yep this guy my daughter was speaking to lived far away aswell,hence wanting to stay over! This is not your problem however,if he really wants to meet her he will figure something out.

How old is this guy?

Yikes, a whole different ball game - sorry :(

OK, plan B. Find out train/bus timetables for him travelling (*same day return*) to SWales (I'm guessing this is near your sister's home too?)  As neither of you have any way of knowing if this is another 16 year old lad or some pervert you could explain to your niece that as you've gone to the trouble of finding a way for them to meet up and spend a few hours together - say going for a pizza and wander in town -  the least she could do is agree for you to come to the train/bus station with her to meet him and satisfy yourself that she is safe.  She would also need to agree to meet you at a set time to return home.  I'd try and explain that this was a VERY big compromise on your part but the only alternative is that you come with her to explain to her mum what is really going on.  (part 2 following - won't let me write long replies )

Part 2 :D  :D

Obviously the above scenario is STILL risky,

1) your potentially jeopardising your relationship with your sister if she finds out first; 2) your niece may not be entirely honest with you at all now; 3) even if all goes well at some point your sister needs to know what's been going on and why she's not been told.

I'm not sure what I'd do Jenniffer - but perhaps I've at least given you some food for thought.  Being honest, if this happened between my sister and my daughter I'd be deeply hurt and extremely angry but then I have a great relationship with my girl.  On the other hand I've an adored niece who used to put me in some tricky situations and we always managed to work things well between ourselves and her mum.  Really and truly wishing I could help more :(   Teri

ps See Rose has come on board - the more the merrier with this one methinks :)

this is a hard one,if my sister found out what her daughter was up to she would be really angry and if she found out i knew about it she would dis own me all together,i did say to my niece tell your mam and explain that you want to meet this lad but only with her approval but she said her mam would only say no and i dont blame my sister for this she has never spoken to this lad,since my niece has been chatting with this lad her school work has really flumped she dosent seem to care about her grades all shes concerned about is being with this lad who shes never even met.also i did mention to her about him coming down for the day but i would have to be with them but she was not having any of that she said it would be like being treated like a child i said well its either that or nothing,a big part of me wants to tell my sister and the other half dosent i dont want to loose the relationship i have with the both of them either way one of us is gunna get hurt,

The biggest issue of all for me - as a mum - is SAFETY.  In the circumstances there's no way of providing basic safety if your niece isn't prepared to compromise and the fact that she doesn't seem to know WHY this is so concerning to you points to an (understandably) low level of maturity - let's face it, at 16 she's a kid but like them all convinced she's street wise :(
His voice on a phone, face on a web-cam - neither prove it will be the person coming to meet her - it's as frighteningly simple as that.  You have to explain all of this to her and I think perhaps having done that I'd suggest that you and her mum have a long chat about her growing up, flexing her muscles, wanting a bit of trust but working out some guidelines within which your neice has to operate.  It would be sad if this young girl rejects your confidence now or in future because she's clearly got a very loving and caring Aunt but you can't be responsible for her safety (or in this case lack of it) and you CAN'T lose your own sister over this.   Teri

I was in this exact same situation with my daughter last year,but she was 12 at the time! Bloody msn,i hate it she still goes on it at every opportunity,24 hours if i let her!
Anyways she was talking to an 18 year old lad,she asked of me exactly what your niece is Of course i said no bloody way! I did however agree that he could come visit in the afternoon,knowing in the back of my mind that it would never happen ;) I was right,he never did end up coming over :D My biggest question was what did an 18 year old lad want with a 12 year old kid?? I found out,when they first started talking she told him she was 16,she later admitted her real age,but this didnt put him off,i asked him why did he want to hang with a 12 year old,he said "i am friends with your daughter,what has age got to do with it,i dont want her as a girlfriend,just a friend?" must admit he came out with all the right stuff :rolleyes: but it was all too weird! I found the more i said,NO,NO,NO, the more they wanted to meet,as soon as i said yes the novelty wore off!!

I agree with Teri,i would let them meet for the day,not overnight,does he know your home address? Not sure if it's a good idea to let him come to your home first time round?? I think your niece is old enough as long as she is 100% sure this guy is who he says he is???? Have they spoken on the phone etc? For all you know he could be a 40 year old man!! If you do let them meet at your home or anywhere else make sure you are there to supervise :)

The question is,why wont she tell her mum ??? I wouldnt tell your sister,it could ruin the whole trust thing you and your niece have and she may end up never telling or confiding in you again :( And she will most likely go meet this guy behind your backs and then it will be totally out of your control!

I wish you the best of luck,this is a very tricky situation.

I have much experience with daughters and msn,if you need any more info just let me know :)

Hi rose and thank you for the reply,as far as i know hes 16 as well,yes they have spoken on the phone but mainly on this msn i have seen him on the webcam but i just dont know what to think of him,they are always on msn chatting away talking about things they shouldnt really be talking about,she wont tell or ask her mum cos they dont really get on my niece is always playing her up i know exactly what my sister would say and they would be a deffinate NO WAY.Also she has asked her other aunty in hereford if she could lie for her saying that shes staying with her but not really she was going to go to sheffield to see this lad,iv'e just a really bad feeling about this whole situation and i dont like it one little bit,its frightning me now wondering what shes planning next

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle - if my niece (more likely now my step granddaughter) was having a cyber relationship with someone that I didnt know, then I think I would WANT to know him - (a) to find out exactly HOW old he was and (b) so that SHE could see exactly what he looks like.

But I would tell that that he could come - just for the day (in case she didn't like him as much as she thought she might, I would tell her) - but ONLY on the condition that I told her mum that I was inviting him.

Remembering how "romantic" young girls are - writing about love and sex are one thing - to see the person that is being written to can be completely another - might put her off completely.    You would also be able to judge whether he might be someone you could encourage or want to report to the police!

There is one thing about cyber sex - whilst it remains that, it is as least safe physically!  Your neice remains safe whilst she hasn't met him - unless he is "grooming" her.

Margot

Ive met a few people off of the internet and at 31 would never entertain the idea of them staying. I arrange to meet them in public. Have a meal with them then leave.

But saying that I had a few meets with somebody, until my trust was built up. Then went back to mine to change my shoes. That when showed his true colours, after 2 months. Be careful and be safe.

Although his possibly a very nice lad, his also possibly not.  I'm thinking hear you need to be firm with your neice.  We all know meeting people off the net is risky, and meeting someone on your own is even more so. 

I'm trying here to see from your neices POV but I only use MSN now for talking to my friends who I know, majority from dog showing! Tell your neice your happy to take her and his lad out for a meal and go round town, if she doesn't agree to this then maybe she not that intrested.  If she really wants to meet him, she'll be happy for you to be their, because you care about her.  and If his genuine, he'll be happy to meet you, as he will understand you care for your neice.

However I think the most important thing here is your sister.  Don't do all this behind her back, and if she's dead against it, even after you have tried talking to her, then don't go ahead if it, your neice needs to learn to respect her mum.

Good luck, take care and tred carefully.

Im 17 and when i was about 14/15 i was big into chat rooms etc and continually had lads i used to talk to i still talk to some now every so often but im not as bad as i was then, there are some real perves out there some of them make in quite obvious, i wanted to meet several of them my mum didnt have a clue about any of this i met one who only lived about 6miles away and he was completely boring, i used to see the chat sites and all these lads to talk to like a escape from reality and in a way it became quite addictive then i found champdogs and a few other addictive dog sites and now chat room and lads seem rather boring unless there in real life lol, i think a day return on a train seems a good idea its quite a good compramise really.

Do you mind me asking how much information did they give you about this at school, did you choose to ignore it, if so how do you think it could have been put across to you in a more effective way?

Hi

I am 16 and have been using MSN since I was about 12, back then I was always meeting people on chat rooms then chatting to them on MSN, some of them I still talk to now, mum didn't have a clue I was talking to them. My friend (15) met someone on a chat room and then started talking to him on MSN, he said he was 18, made up a lot of crap that he had an amazing sports car etc etc, I didn't believe a word of it, sounded much too dodgy! She arranged to meet up but he would make up an excuse at the last minute, eventually he told her he was only 16, but she still arranged to meet up with him. They went out for about 6 months.

My ex boyfriend (16) met a girl (14) on chat rooms and then on to MSN, they met up at the railway station up by her (she took a friend with her) and went out for the day. They met a couple more times and then went out for a couple of months. Personally, I think it is too risky, coz for all she knew he could've been a perve or whatever!

Jennifer I wouldn't tell her mum, as other people have said it is likely to make her not tell anyone, and still go through with it anyway!

Isabel, we got a couple of leaflets at school, the kind "don't give out your mobile number, where you live etc etc" that noone listens to as they know it anyway! I think the best tactics would probably be real life stories, people who meet up with someone from the internet who turn out not to be who they first thought. Just my opinion!

Char

I would absolutely not have a complete stranger staying at my house for the following reasons:

1. He could be dodgy
2. He could come back and rob the place after!
3. They could hate each other on sight and you're stuck with him
4. He could be a wet blanket who doesn't speak all weekend
5. He might hate dogs!

Sorry, it would be a flat NO from me and a suggestion she finds someone who lives closer.

And finally, I'm afraid I'd tell her mum for her own safety.

I probably sound really harsh now - but if it were my sister and my daughter possibly arranging this kind of thing behind my back I would be very upset.

I agree with Chloe, you know nothing about him at all.

I know the old saying everybody is a stranger until they become a friend. But to do that its a gradual getting to know you phase.

Yep. When you think about how many complete loony tunes fruitcakes there are out there I would not be comfortable at all!

I think you are being a very responsible and caring Aunty, certainly not cruel. After all who has the most life experience?

Hi

What a tricky situation, young girls can be very headstrong, if you or mum give an out and out no it might have the opposite effect and catapult them together even more.

My best mate when she was 19, was chatting to lads on msn and met a guy in cyber space and fell in love   with the idea of being in love and was seeing things throught rose coloured glasses, she sneaked off to meet the lad and found him endearing, he obviously knew what to say to her, he was 20.

She slept with him on the first weekend and came back engaged much to the horror of her family and friends.  She was so head over heels that she could see no wrong!.  They got married after six months and lived together after the wedding only for her to discover that domesticity was stiffling and they had nothing to say, he has married her as a way to get someone to look after him and to get away from home.

She left him after six months saying she did'nt love him and he had conned and used her.  this was about 2 years ago and she is waiting for her divorce to come through.  She is living with someone else and says now she wont be rushing to get married just for the sake of love.  With these online romances sometimes the fairytale is nothing like the reality.

I dont know what to suggest maybe the train idea is the best one than at least you can have some control over the situation??

I would like to a say a very big THANK YOU to everyone who replyed to my post it's so good to know that there are people out there who have been put in the same situation as me all your advice has been very helpful and very much appreciated,i spoke to my niece this morning explained the situation and she said she was having none of it she said its her life and she will do what she wants which you can emagine totally shocked me to hear her say this,anyway ive told her im gunna have words with her mam and explain what has happened and she said she dont care so when i go to pick me son up from school today i will call in to see my sister and explain what has been going on and tell her that i am worried for my nieces safety and hopefully my sister and her daughter can sit down and have a chat about it,once again THANK YOU ALL for all your advice,i will let you know what happens take care all best wishes jen

Hi Jennifer,

Sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing - glad you got so much feed back on here.  We're not just doggy lovers after all, we're parents, aunties/uncles, grandparents etc etc, (and some kids too - at heart anyway :P )

All the best for a happy outcome,
Regards Teri :)

Yep i agree a return train ticket :) What if these 2 really get on and fall in love ;) How are they going to see eachother etc. this whole thing is doing my head in,i hate to think how your'e feeling at the moment jennifer :(

Whilst on the subject of chatrooms,one of my daughters classmates organised to meet a 40 year old man in the school car park the next day,she organised this on the school computer in the library Thank god another kid found out what she was planning and told her parents who in turn told the school! Both the kid and the man knew how old each other was,i dread to think what couldve happened had the meeting took place.

When i was at school it was just lecture lecture chat rooms are dangerous and it just all went over my head, you see it on the news you think like thats never gona happen to me its always on the news and stuff.