To all you smokers out there....

Husband stopped smoking nearly a year ago, and except for the odd party has not been bothered by this, or so he tells me.  However, today I catch him red-handed with a cigarette.  I'm really disappointed, but also upset that he didn't tell me that he wanted to buy a pack, and worried that he feels he can't confide in me about such things.  Is it him feeling ashamed about having given in that's making him fib to me?  I don't know how best to help him, whether to argue with him, or try to forget it!  Probably a silly posting - sorry!  Just needed to get it off my chest :(

Is it him feeling ashamed

Yes! Poor bloke, he probably feels like he has let you as well as himself down :(

I do feel sorry for him, and I can't imagine how difficult it is to give up smoking, as I don't smoke, but in the 3 years I've known him he's always giving up and then smoking behind my back.  I'd rather he just told me that he wants to smoke and got on with it, as I'm sure he smokes just as much without me knowing as he did when I knew he smoked (if that makes sense).  It's the deceit I can't abide, but like you say, it's out of shame.  Maybe I should start smoking - make him realise how horrid it is to see someone you love doing something that harms their health?! :D

Perhaps he needs help?

My mum has given up her 20 a day unfiltered cigarette (!) habit. She hasn't smoked for 4 weeks with the aid of patches from the health visitor. I am amazed, I never ever thought she would give up.

Hi Keeley,

I'm a smoker who pulled this trick years ago with my OH.  We both smoked but he'd given up more successfully than me and I was having fly puffs outside, at work etc. Now we both just smoke out in the open again. Can I ask you what you say to him about smoking?  As a smoker, I hate to say that the "I worry about you and your health" argument doesn't really cut much ice with a lot of smokers.  It does provoke feelings of guilt and shame.  Plus, there is an element of the illicit thrill about smoking, probably stems from the fact an awful lot of us started out on our smoking careers behind the bikeshed at school, keeping a weather eye out for the teachers ;)

What you need to do is to put him into the state of mind whereby giving up seems to him to be entirely of his own volition.  Remember it's an addiction and feeling guilty about "having" to stop and not being able to just makes it harder for the smoker.  Maybe you could simply say to him that you know that he is smoking again and that you understand his need to do it, therefore you would appreciate it if he were open about it.  I think it would be reasonable to ask him to enjoy his cigarettes at home away from you, perhaps going to another room or even going outside.  Tell him that whilst in an ideal world you would love him to stop, acknowledge that it is his own decision to do so and that you know that it's hard for him.  I think this sort of discussion might go a long way to lessening his feelings of guilt and shame and having let you down.  Hopefully, when the pressure is off he will decide to stop for himself and not because he feels pressure to do so.

Hope this helps :)

Lesley

Thanks Lesley,

The OH knows that I don't mind him smoking, although he realises that I'd rather he didn't, and I think that's the problem here.  Seeing as I don't mind him smoking I don't understand why he has to do it behind my back.  And he definitely knows that I don't mind him smoking, as whenever I catch him at it I'll just say 'look, why don't you just go back to smoking?!' but he doesn't actually want to, which is great of course.  My initial posting yesterday was just after I'd caught him so I was very angry and upset that he felt he couldn't tell me, but after a chat last night he told me that he was going to tell me that afternoon after work, and in all fairness he had already thrown away the rest of the packet of 10 by the time I got home from work, having only smoked 5 of them, so I have to believe that it was a 'slip up' and I suppose encourage him as much as possible.  It's really difficult though, as you say I don't want to be someone who 'forces' him to quit, but in actual fact it was his idea and he's really proud of himself for doing it, but then that just makes it harder on me when I see that he's relapsed - but probably not as hard as it makes life for him!!!!  Thanks for all your advice anyway, it was appreciated :)

Hi Keeley,

It does just sound as if it was a slip up, in which case he'll be feeling very cross with himself indeed ;)  Maybe he was just under stress and a "fly puff" was what he needed at the time!  It may be that this blip in his stopping will reinforce his determination to continuing stopping, as he's probably feeling disgusted that he was doing so well and slipped up.  Has he read Alan Carr's book on stopping smoking?  I bought it and am half way through it; it seems very sensible and might just do the trick when I finally finish reading it :)  It's been recommended on here before and it seems to be very helpful to lots of people!  Maybe it would help him to reinforce his reasons for stopping?

Good luck to you both, I do hope he succeeds in the end - it'll save you both loads of stress, not to mention loads of cash :D

Lesley