When my boyfriend and I go together we found out that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with what we think could be his child. My boyfriend took the pregnancy really bably and suffered from severe depression as he didnt want anything to do with this women, who lied, cheated on him and is a complete nut case following etc etc... I supported my boyfriend through this time and it was really difficult.
We love each other very much and are really trying to work together to get through this. The baby was born two weeks ago and being from a single parent family I know how important it is for a father to have a relationship with his daughter...I have not problem whatsoever about him seeing his daughter after all its not her fault she was brought into this situation.
The thing is Im at work now and he's round at his ex's house and I find this really difficult to deal with....I feel really angry and I dn't want to cause any bother but I can help how I feel. He's been round there for two hours.....grrr!
I just don't know what to do...

A little word of advice, jealousy is a very destructive thing;

the secret to harmonious relations is never to try and stop something but actively encourage it; remember, people want what they can't have even more when it is forbidden........................

Im trying to take things in my stride and not let it get to me, but it is very hard...I guess I just have to keep my mouth shut and keep smiling.

I guess your right, I havent once questioned him about it and have always actively encourage him to call and see how the baby is. Your very right about the forbidden fruit

it is only right he spends time with his daughter,and you supporting him will help. but he also needs to understand how you feel in the situtaion.couldn't he bring her round so you can all have time together,you included? this is his child and some day you could be step mum.it is a difficult situtaion to be in but you have to stay strong and things will be ok.if your worried about his x trying to use the child to get back with him,tell him so! but if he is geniune in the fact she is well and truely in the past he would make it clear to her any way.have you ever met his x? do you get on? in which case things would be clear as to the situtaion you are all in.its not a bad thing for him to want to spend time with his child and some day you could have 1 of your own,it just shows you what kind of dad he is.you are the 3rd party in all this but try and get more involved if you can.
the last thing you want is it to become a problem in your relationship.

His x is a complete lunatic, she has given us abusive phone calls turned up at his elderly parents blinding drunk and abusing everyone. She is mentally unstable and drank and smoked her way through the hole pregnancy. To me this shows her callubour! and I will not entertain her at all. She nearly caused him to have a nervous breakdown and my partner has been having counselling for the last 3 months. She has completely ruined him and he is still unable to go to work.
I just don't know what she is capable of doing...

I have no problem with him seeing the baby and I really want to try and support him, but it really stresses him out if he finds out how much this is affecting me.
The baby at the moment is only 2 weeks old therefore I can understand that x doesnt want her far away, but I do feel hurt and left out.

To be honest Im looking forward to having a baby visiting because I see it as a bonus in your life (having a child) not a negative but his x really worries me.

Poor little baby. I get a bit cross when i read pregnant women drink and smoke.

Anyway! Is he totally sure the baby is his? If not would he/they consider a DNA test?

It may be that he is the only stable influence in this child's life just now. I hope the baby is being cared for OK if the mum is as unstable as you say.Not an easy situation, it is good he is having counselling; maybe the best thing to do is just to ride out the storm and hope that things will settle a bit.

Best wishes

Lindsay
X

time will help.she needs to learn that he has moved on and has a relationship with you now.
she wouldn't be able to stop you being together with the baby,he has rights as the father.she may not like it but can't stop it.maybe he needs to reassure himself that his little girl is ok with her as mum,with what she has been like in the past.the only thing you can do is what you are doing be there for him.welcome the baby as you will when the time comes.if you dont feel you can tell him how it is making you feel then i'll be here for you if you need to vent it all.it is probably because its all so new at the moment,in time it should all settle down for you both.

lisam13
i have pm you

It is very difficuly especially when she is unstable, she boosts about being a prime candidate for postnatal depression like its a star prize. I know my boyfriend really worries about the baby and whether she is looking after her properly which at the moment she seems to be...
We are having a paternity test done, she has sworne its his but on another occasion when he asked to see her said it might not be his??!?!?!?
Its hard because I don't really want to discuss it with my friends as I am trying to put a front on as everyone does sometime.

I just wish his x could be normal and mature about things rather than seeing herself as the "victim" in all this.

Thanks for hearing my woes

she needs to act like an adult she has a child now.things change when you have kids your not number 1 any more.

Remember you cannot change other people (only they can do that) but you CAN change your attitude towards them.  If you shift perspective a little bit and focus on what is best for the baby, you will find that everything else will fall into place......... eventually, but it will take a long time because since the baby has arrived the dynamics have changed and everyone has to find where they stand in the equation.

This will take months if not longer................

good advice tohme ...been through something similar and although i wanted to scream with jeleously I sat back and encouraged it GRRR was hard but it paid off in the end and i got to look like the nice guy as well :)

Hello

Sorry to have to say this, but, having a baby is a very emotional time for a woman, she and the baby need your support as well :), i know i could not be without my daughter at any time, she could well have postnatal depression, and its a horrible thing for any woman to go through, and it can strike at anytime and however old the child is.
It seems that you resent the time that he is spending with the baby, but she and the baby need him, however unstable you think she might be, shes going through a hard time right now, and thats probably got something to do with ajusting motherhood, however much you say she drank and smoked at the time she was having the baby, theres always two sides to every story...
She is the Mother of your partners baby for goodness sake, she is entitled to some respect, from him, and from you.
Dean

Take a step back and look at the situation from the baby's side. Your boyfriend is now a father, and that is a huge responsibility. By the sound of things he is really trying to do the best for the baby, this is his child, something of him - a place no one else will ever fill. Your boyfriend needs support, he needs to know he is doing the right thing, and that will stop him getting stressed on one level.

You on the other hand need to offload to someone else (not your boyfriend) about your feelings on the situation. I say not your boyfriend because you do not want to over burden him at this moment in time.

Hang in there, it will take some time for the dust to settle.

Good luck

Patricia

I have no real advice to give (cant get my own life right!) but i really do hope that things work out well in the end for you.

Best wishes
Donna and charliex

:rolleyes:

It sounds all very messy and difficult.  If she is as much as a "loon" as you say and has messed your bloke about.

I would seriously consider DNA testing as Lindsay also suggested to get confirmation once and for all.  If its not his child he needs to get away and let her sort out her own mess and move on with his own life.

Then and only then if it is established that the child IS HIS than Parental Responsibilities (through the court) can be gained by your bloke to his child therefore being able to establish proper access to the child and have an equal say in the upbringing and education of the child.

Alright having a child is a stressful time but this bloke needs to be practical and get the TRUTH about whether the child is his biological child.  If the mother is depressed the best thing she can do is talk to her health visitor and her GP and get help to be the best mother she can be and to be emotionally healthilly to be be supportive for the best interests of the child.

If the bloke acts as "daddy" to the little girl and he finds out later on he has been conned he will be gutted and cheated and if he is NOT in any GOOD relationship with the mother or has no itention of being in one, he needs to keep away from her and not get sucked in emotionally.

The OP as the questioner needs to reel her emotions in and support her partner in order to get the truth only then can things be established.

I have arranged for a DNA test and also looking into the parental responsibilites agreement, at present we are holding her up with registering the birth as if the baby is his he wants to be named on the birth certificate and he wants to undertake all his responsibility towards the baby.
He is trying his hardest because he wants to do the right thing by everyone but he is really struggling because this women has done such enormous damage to him that he finds it really difficult to know that she is going to be in his life for the next 20 years.
I am doing my best to support him and have actively encouraged him to see the baby and told him that a it is a bonus in his life and to try and be positive about it.
Inside I feel so sad though because it has ruined him and I can't talk to me about my feelings because if he knows I am hurting too it would kill him.

I told him last night that I feel alittle left out and he got really upset and is very depressed today

Nice to have some moral support, I am not a bad person, i would like to see the baby and be part of her life because she needs a stable family background, but I just feel really pushed out of the situation.

Im going to stop moaning now because Im starting to get on my own nerves!!! whinge whinge whhinge!!

What does that mean mattie?

Sorry to hear you are finding this difficult but I'm sure once things settle down and everyone finds their place you will get used to the situation and it will be part of your normal day too, things can only get better :)

If you feel pushed out, what about arranging to drop him off or pick him up if that's feasible? Or buy or make something for the baby (again if feasible). Or suggest he take a camera and take photos of the baby he can show you later. I realise you may have mixed feelings about some of this, but you may feel better if you are involved and if you can take a little "control" in a positive sense rather than letting it "happen" to you.

Lindsay
X

I can't drop him off at the moment because he see's her during the day when Im at work (he is signed off work) I have thought about asking him to take a picture of her, its really confusing though because one minute Im ok about it and the next I get really upset..(sad case) My emotions are so unpredictable at the moment....
I am really going to try and be strong and support him, it really helps to have people to listen to my ramblings nice to know Im not alone!
I guess I have to just take each days as it comes.

You are right about the control, I feel like Im outside looking in on this situation and I think everyone forgets that I get hurt too and need some love and reassurance!
At least I've got my little Ronnie who give me lots of licks he loves his mum!!

I lay on the bed with my pup last night telling him how much I loved him (think Im cracking up) I don't know what I'd do without him!!!

Have you considered a counsellor for yourself? they are supposed basically to listen and not be judgemental so it may be just what you need :)

Lindsay
X

hi Lindsay

I feel alot better today! I figured what will be will be and I just have to leave it in the hands of fate....
I think my two days of feeling sorry for myself and airing my laundry on CD has helped loads!!

Theres no point worry about what might happen.

Thanks loads for advice, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger!!!!

:) :)

Lisaxx