Hi everyone, especially those of you who are parents.  I am phased by a conversation my sister and the mum of my nieces friend had yesterdy (as is said sister )  My sis has 3 kids, the other woman has 1.  During the course of the conversation my sister was trying to explain why she couldnt drop everything and bring niece over to play with other womans daughter at the drop of a hat everytime she was invited, as the 2 boys were also entitled to some of her time and attention.  The other mum said she did have problems understanding that, as it made her daughter sad and upset if she could not get hold of her friend whenever she wanted to .  My sister (who believes in quite a robust form of parenting) said it was probably good for the child not to get everything she asked for every time she asked, and was stunned when the other mum replied that of course my Sis could not understand, as having 3 it was impossible for her to love any 1 of them as much as she loved here only 1 !!!!!  She seems to consider that a mum has only so muchh love, and it is therefore diminished with each child.  Sister was at first bemused, and then mad as hell!! 

Me telling her that I can love all my dogs equally has not helped situation (she isn't at all doggy)_  wondered if some parent input passed on by me might help.  Views, anyone?

bye
Gwen

What a load of tosh! Love is infinite - there is always the same endless amount for each child, no matter how many you have! What a stupid woman - and her poor child, who has a limited amount of love available to her. :(

PS - And I agree that it is good for children to learn to accept that they can't have everything they want.

I have 9 kids and love each and every one of them with my heart and sole and I love them all equally I also have lots of love to give my husband and my grandson and of course not forgetting my son in law who is a reall treasure (only dont tell him coz I like keeping him scared LOL) and I am sure she doesnt love her only child anymore than I love mine :-)

I bet your sisters 3 kids are much nicer than this one spoilt child!  We have 4, we treat them all the same they are all loved as much as each other!  They have grown up understanding that they can't have everything at a drop of a hat and accept that............probably unlike the other persons daughter!

I don't blame your sister being mad as hell, if somebody had said that to me I would have probably punched their lights out!  ;-)

You tell your sister, if this 'friend' only has enough love for one child, then she certainly didn't have much to give to start with and it's a good job she only has the one!

Wish your sisters pal could talk to my sister who has an only son through secondary infertility. My sister has always made sure her boy mixed in groups as much as possible from an early age to guard against only child syndrome, and as a nursery nurse she really understood the issues to work on. However, she is more intensely involved with her boy than I am with my lot, finds it harder to withstand her son being upset ( she does though) and I do think its to do with the different situations rather than the amount of love. Love is like breast milk, produced to satisfy demand/need.

I have four children and love them all endlessley. I also find that only children are in 99% of cases awful and spoilt. You have to be very clued up and on the ball to get a balanced only child. Most of the ones I know are truly obnoxious!

I think that 99% might be just a bit high :)

Sometimes only children tend to be a bit different from children brought up in multi-child families. They aren't always awful and spoilt tho' - although I have met quite a few who are :) It just depends on the parents. I have found with only children that they are often treated like another adult in the family - always going where the parents go and often seem quite mature because of this. Sometimes, however, it can make them rather spoilt.

But most only children are quite normal :) and as badly behaved, or as well behaved, as any other child :)

Daisy

We always treated the Boy as the eldest of the four children we'd planned. Unfortunately, the other three never arrived. But I don't think we've spoilt him - in fact some people have said we've gone too much the other way. He's had to be all four (the scientist, the artist, the musician and the drop-out) all at the same time. At the moment he's perfecting The Dropout.
:)

What a daft woman :rolleyes:  I wonder, since she has a partner does she love her parents less?  since she had her daughter does she love her partner less?  was she an only child ? such a strange view of the world :(

I think if you have an only child and allow him/her to always have friends around and make them share and take turns and make them understand that they are not the only important person in the world then they can be unaffected by their only child status but it takes a good sensible parent. Unfortunately a lot dont bother. My little Lucy has 2 little girls in her class who are both only children. I have had both for tea once and never again. They were both individually awful. I have four kids and they know how to wait and they understand patience and caring for others. I suppose I have just had bad experiences of only children and I am extremely lucky that I was able to have more than one as I know a lot of people are not as lucky. What I hate is people these days who have just one child almost as a fashion accessory as they have the nice house and the good job so need a kid but say they wont have anymore as they dont have time or they cant afford it!!

Thaks for all the input, will show it to Sister today, she is still fuming.  She understands perfectly how precious this womans child is to her, it is just hard to comprehend  that the other Mum doesnt realise that all children are adored by their parents!  Seems to be a sort of competiton, heres being the most loved!  Their child is quite spoilt, but still sweet sometimes, however, they are looking on my niece like some sort of toy, who must be brought round whenever playing is required!

I was an oly child for 10 years until sister arrived (a long time ago now)  and whilst I was probably a bit spoiled with material things (a very doting granma) my parents were very firm about manners, fairness, playing nicely with others.  Perhpas these are old fashioned ideas in a lot os households now - which wuld be a shame!
bye
Gwen

Urgh

This reminds me of an Ex friend of mine. She was an only child.

What she demanded, she got, end of.

At 18, her parents would have split up long ago, amicably i might add, but neither wanted to l eave the other with her, as they just couldnt cope!
Their house remained undecorated apart from teh childs room, because they couldnt afford it. She had pet after pet that she gave up on in a matter of weeks..... rabbits, cats, a dog (who now lives out her days in the utility room, biting her paws through boredom, and threatening with teeth anyone who tries to LEAVE the house).
She is bossy and domineering, and if things dont go her way she is malicious and vindictive.
She found out that her father was having (what she thought was) an affair (in fact her mum knew, as both her mum and dad have been leading seperate lives for the last 10 years)......... she only speaks to him to demand things....if he speaks to her she ignores him.

She sees nothing unreasonable in demanding to be picked up at 12 midnight in Birmingham, meaning one of her parents has to get out of bed and drive from manchester to get her, JUST so she can come home from uni for the night.

The last time i was supposed to stay at her house, (a while back) we were going to sleep on the sofas in the living room.
Both her parents had flu, and her dad asked could he sleep in her room, since she wasnt going to, so that both her mum and dad could try to get some sleep without waking each other up coughing.
She REFUSED, even though she was still planning on sleeping downstairs with me.
I left!

She is now an overbearing, demanding bossy rude adult. She cannot have a conversation pleasantly with anyone, and especially people older than her, or people she doesnt know very well, she just blanks them out.

Happily, i havent seen her for about 5 years!

I feel sorry for anyone who DOES though.

Em

MMM  I have two 'only' children, my eldest was the only till 13 1/2 and now the youngest is like an only cos she's now 20 and he doesn't see her every day because she's working and is in a band.  I have to say I found most of her friends spoilt by comparison, regardless of their status as siblings, as I find with my young son.  I'm very oldfashioned in that I expect manners and kindness from them to all they meet, sadly this seems to be a rare thing now.  I was recently asked how the two of them get on, how we cope with the jealousy   My daughter replied for me - they aren't jealous of each other as they adore each other.  He often saves sweets for her and she often comes home with something for him.  They have their moments but they don't last long. 

One of my pals has two 'only' children, (in fact I am an 'only' child with siblings (8 and 10 years older than me) and so is my husband (his brother is 11 years his elder.)) - her son is 18 and her daughter is 8. No jealousy problems at all, and they are sensible, mature, delightful children (I've known this girl from before her daughter's birth).

If 'only' children are spoilt, it's the fault of the parents, not the child. The Chinese are finding the same problem with the 'one child' rule - they now have the 'little Emperor' syndrome.

Just because there are more children in a family does not mean you love them less, but it does mean you will have less money to buy them everything they want....That by far is not a bad thing but a good thing because then they teasure the lil things in life and realize money doesn't grow on tree's....Since this lady expects the lil girl to be at every wim for her child why doesn't she put her child into some activities be it sports, crafts something she likes and has an interest in, that will also help teach mannors and discipline since they as the parent/s seem to be lacking it and the child in the long run will benifet from it....We don't have much and do try to give our children things but they certainly don't get everything they ask for and when they do get something they appreciate it and don't throw it to the side...My kids are spoilt to a point and I don't put up with much bad behaviour but they are still young and they know if they push to far there is a punishment involved be it grounded to their rooms, bed early, or no video games-t.v they do listen...In the long run mine are pretty well behaved kids and I do tell them at times cause they need to know they are good not always bad :)

There is 3 in my family my sister and I only almost 3 years apart so we had eachother to grow up with, my brother and I are 9 years apart and I moved out at about 15-16 years old (long story explained on here kinda awhile back), so that would of made him 6-7 years old. My brother (different father, my sister and I same father) was very spoilt, even when us girls lived at home he got everything and anything he asked well demanded to have. My mother says how he is and all I can say is well that is know one's fault but your own how he is and they are the only one's to blame. She blames his dad but I tell her it took two to make him and two to raise him so she is just as much at fault...He still is spolit finally moved out but not sure how long that will last since he is like a boomer rang he has moved out so many times...this last time he asked if him and his girlfriend could move back home to save money and they have no kids...Life's hard, living is hard and I said as soon as you let him see it and do things on his own that is when he will grow up, I told her to cut the cord, change the locks lol :D time will tell. He still has keys to their house comes and goe's and grocery shops their, eats their :( maybe some day he will grow up but my mom has to learn to push him outta the nest.

Ultimately I feel sorry for the Child.

It is my experience that Only children can be demanding and pushy. I know several and all have the same trait of wanting things their way all of the time, without consideration. All too often material things are demanded, and granted and yes I must say that,  of the ones I know, most of them are spoilt, this is my experience and I am not saying they are all like that. In the cases I know a majority are allowed to indulge in this behaviour because their parents don't want them upset, and the children have problems maintaining good healthy relationships with their peers.

I have two children, and I love them dearly - however I expect manners, respect, honesty, trust etc as  standard behaviour and I believe we have a loving caring family life.

Patricia

Only children are not necessarily spoilt!! My first husband (now deceased) was the 7th child and had 5 older sisters - and was very spoilt, due to being frequently in the care of an older sister. He was sweet looking, with beautiful curls. If they were out and she wanted to go home, he would cry piteously, and everyone would glare at the poor girl because she was upsetting this dear little boy... and I could go on...

My present husband is an only child and you could not wish for a more compassionate, caring man. One major difficulty, though, is when parents get older, as the only child has no-one else to share the caring. Both my husband's parents developed dementia, so it was very difficult, and apart from me he had no-one to help.

I just love sweeping generalisations..............

I used to be a nanny to several families and had a wide circle of acquaintances when belonging to mum and toddler group when I became a mother.

I have seen spoiled over indulged children from multiple child households as well as "onlies", in fact probably all the permutations there are!

My daughter is an only child and was never indulged in the material wealth department even though we had plenty of money; indeed I borrowed her cot, pushchair, high chair etc, she grew up in lots of hand me downs and her first bike was 9th hand!

Although I grew up in a very financially deprived manner I did not take the attitude that I wanted my child to have everything I never had; IMHO children who have everything they want grow up knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing!  The value of items is directly in inverse proportion to their availability; hence diamonds are so expensive!  Also it can deprive children of appetite for success etc if everything is handed to them on a plate.

I spent money on what I considered important; this did not include designer clothes (she never had a designer label until she could afford to buy them herself), a tv or video in the bedroom or a computer. 

ALL children are equally valuable to ALL parents; the idea that an only child is any MORE precious or valuable to a parent than any of multiple child households is insensitive to say the least; no matter if the child is an only child through choice or circumstance.

If you have 4 children and you lose one, that loss is not ameliorated by the fact you have 3 others!  Children are not commodities but a wonderful gift to be cherished and loved; but let's not forget a part of that love is to equip them to become confident, competent members of society and that they are a reflection of ourselves..................

I agree that a parents job is to equip their children for independence - to do yourself out of a job really. It dosent happen by itself or at school, you have to work at it. If you have love, the means of entertaining yourself simply and the gift of being pleased with life itself then you have fabulous wealth.

YUP - totally agree :D

I often say my children are on loan until they can take care of themselves, then hopefully, when they are independant we can really become good friends as well as parents. 

"If you have love, the means of entertaining yourself simply and the gift of being pleased with life itself then you have fabulous wealth."     totally agree :)    In addition my children have never been bored - they know that if they get bored the kitchen floor always needs cleaning :D :D  somehow thats enough incentive to find plenty to do :D :D

I recall my father telling me that "Only boring people get bored". An imaginative, open-minded person will always be able to think of something to do ...
:)

That's a very meaningful thought for me at the moment, as my eldest son has just left home for the second time (the first time was when he was 17, and it was rather under a cloud :( ) This time we both cried :(

"What I hate is people these days who have just one child almost as a fashion accessory as they have the nice house and the good job so need a kid but say they wont have anymore as they dont have time or they cant afford it!! "

Hmmm! some of us have one child precisely because we ARE selfish and know our limits :D  and it would not be fair to have more than one as we would not have the patience or time for them and therefore it would be an uncontented household.

Some people are ideal mothers to 6 or more children, some to fewer and some people should not be parents at all..............................................................

Very good point :) I have always had the greatest of respect for people that have chosen NOT to have children (although a lot seem to regret it later on in life). It's far better to choose not to, than to have them just because..... and then not bring them up properly :)

Daisy

Thanks for all the input from everyone, sister has now calmed down, and is seeing the funny side of this person, who seems prone to making inane statements and asserting sillly "facts".  this weeks is "everyone knows, of course, that Peugeot 20(whatever the number) is the best and most stylish small car.  When sister tried to say that while she like this persons Peugeot better than her own Corsa, but not as much as my Mercedes A class (all 3 of us have silver colour hatchbacks, which is what started that conversation)   she was told she knew nothing about cars (we used to have a garage, and were brought up with a car mad Dad!) and that the Peogeot being THE BEST wasnt a matter of opinion, it just WAS the best!  As this seemed a completely pointless conversation (could hardly be called a discussion) sister suddenly recalled something urgent needed doing, and left.  Some people just have strong opinions, however silly they may be!  Sisters family are considering cutting this 'friendship" down to a minimum - it look like it will just degenerate inot a one upmnship competiton!

However, niece has taken matters into her own hands somewhat, when she learned of the original "less love" topic, and phoned the other child to tell her that far from being less loved, in fact they had 3 times as much love in the house plus a bit extra, because all 3 kids were loved as much as the other child, and loved each other too.  This coming from an 11 year old who commonly swears eternal hatred for elder brother was touching.

bye
Gwen

Out of the mouths of babes, eh Gwen!
:D

Loving Children is a bit like having cake.  When you have one child you love them dearly but when the next comes along you don't have to divide the cake (or love) between them, you get given another cake and there is even more love to go around, they don't get less of a portion they get more!  :-)

And you dont get fat :D BTW Dill, you and I are frighteningly alike in our parenting styles as my kitchen floor/potatoes/weeding/hoovering/dish washing/ironing were made to be games for all my gang when they were young enough to be fooled :D I used to tie dusters to their feet so they could polish the lino.. and it was YEARS before they found out not everyone gets new shoes and crayons in their christmas stockings.

When I had my fist child I loved him to bits but had to work and my Mum did a lot of the caring but I spent lots of time with him too he is now 31 he sometimes says he remebers us having picnics in the garden and doing silly things like playing shop,my second son was born ten years later  had more time with him as I didnt work for a few years but he too spent time with his grandparents he is now 22 I have to say the older they get the stronger the bond we have and even though they both live away from home they keep in touch,but when I helped bring my grandaughter up  from two I realised how much love you could have I am very lucky to get to be close to her and play a big part in her life.
the other week I was unwell and ended up in hospital my eldest son came in in tears he said mum if you need a heart you can have mine,I said dont be silly im fine but the fact he said it made me realise what a bond we have with our children  I am proud to say I love my children and grandchild so much it hurts,and my dogs are special too.
what I would say though is to the young ones the early years are very important and even if you have careres nurserys etc.. just make special times get the plastic t set out with biscuits sit in the park whatever your child will remember happy times.
I said to my husband tonight that when I was small I was taken to nursery by a neighbour I must have only been three my mum always gave me an apple but when we got down the street the girl always took it off me and ate it if I can remember that what else can children remember.

I wish my parents had listened to some of what has been put here.  It was make plain to me from a very early age that I was second best to my older sister she is 2 years older than me. My father wanted a boy and as I turned out the other girl he never forgave me. My grand mother (his mum) explained this to me at the age of 10. When my mum was in hospital to having me, my sister and he stayed with her, when my father returned from the hospital at 2.30 in the morning my dad walked straight through the living room and climbed the stair to bed, my gran had followed and asked if mum had had the baby he said, "yes, another bloody girl" and that was the situation for many years, even to this day. My sister was forgiven as she was super intelligent the "perfect daughter".

I had it pointed out to me through the years if he had know then what he knew now that I would never have been born, He had a high ranking job with long hours but always made time for my sister school events at grammer school, he never once attended my parents evenings open days or entered my school.

This made me more adamant when I had my 4 children that whatever they did I would be there for them.

We live 200 miles from my parents and see them 3 times a year when I go up, they came down once in 8 years, because my husband had major surgery and was expected to die, they stayed 3 hours and then returned home, they never call me, if I ring I get all the news of my sisters family and no questions about mine, my parents do not know how old my children are or when there birthdays are, never a card, one year I got a christmas card signed from Mr & Mrs **********, to Lynne, my name do's not have an "E" on the end.

This has made me a better parent, but I must admit I do spoil my grandchildren, but all the same amount

Britney 1000, that is so sad, but at least you have used this difficult family situation to positive effect, and make sure you have a loved and caring family unit of your own now.

My sisters in-laws are a little like this - they regard their elder daughter, and her daughter, as "extra-special" looked after the grandaughter every day, paid for all the familiies holdiay, bought car, paid school fees for grandaughter, etc, etc.  However when their son married my sister and had 2 kids they seemed really indifferent, often no bithday or christmas presents turn up (not even cards for the kids) .  The daughter married, had child, divorced all within a year, just out of University, and went on to teach and become deputy head, so the childchare was very valuable, but they wont even baby sit occasionally for my sisters kids!  Whenever one of the kids does something really special and they tell the grandparetns the reply is invairably along the lines of "oh did you?  When Rebecca did XXXX she did it so much better, of course!"  The prize quote was to my sister, after she had been married to their son for about 7 or 8 years (bear in mind his sisters marriage broke up after the first year, 18 years before this conversation)  sis had been explaining about their sons health problems (very high blood pressure) and how stressed he was.  Comment from his parents - well one of the stress factors was probably how much more succesful his sisters marriage had been!!!  The mind boggles!!!

Parents can be strange creatures.

bye
Gwen

Lol I just saw your post Lorelei :)  yes we are frighteningly alike, my two also think that clothes and shoes are great Xmas presents :)  One thing about our style of parenting, I have noticed since my oldest is now 20 that she is far more confident and mature in her dealings with the world than her friends.  She is not afraid of hard work and has had a job since she turned 16 (part time) many of her schoolmates are finding work a bit of a shock and some have even walked out after a few days unable to cope   The band she is in are very impressed with her ability to cope with the hard slog of touring and performing too :D  My youngest is expected to help according to his age and ability (montessori style ;) ) and is always ready to help (he feels important when helping out ;) )  At his age everything is 'grist to the mill' he doesn't distinguish between work and fun - to him putting the hoover over the living room is big fun :D

Britney - my heart goes out to you, it must have been so hard growing up.  You must be a very special person to have risen above it all and ensured that it doesn't happen in your own family.  A similar situation exists in my family, my bro and myself are made to feel as if we don't count while my sisters are extra special :(  I work very hard to ensure neither of my children feel like second best.

My boys are not a bit alike in ways (not that I expect them to be) but they really are like chalk and cheese! but I love them both to bits. I think it is such a shame when parents have favourites, more so, when they let them know it.   How cruel can some people be?   I have a friend just like that I just can't understand her, she doesn't even like one of her children and he is such a lovey boy.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<she doesn't even like one of her children and he is such a lovey boy. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Thats is awful.
I have 2 children. One is near enough a model child. The other has been a little devil. before I took him off E numbers 2 1/2 years ago he was an absolute NIGHTMARE. He even kicked the nursery staff!!! He is completely changed and alot calmer now I hasten to add.
Even through all of that, when I felt like I was a bad mother, was at the end of my tether with him. I still loved them both the same. Still felt exactly the same amount of love for both of them.
I could not understand anyone being any differnt. The poor children that it happens to :( :(
Lea :(

It's so interesting reading all these posts.  I hope nobody minds me posting as I'm very new here.  Although I have no children and don't plan on ever having any, even I can see that the idea that a parent's love is finite is ridiculous.  It's like saying friendship becomes less strong the more people one meets!

I do believe, however, that parents might LIKE one child more than another, possibly changing "favourites" depending on how they're all behaving!

I have a younger brother, but we had fairly separate lives growing up, we went to different boarding schools, had different friends, etc, and we are now polar opposites personality-wise.  It's a bit sad really, and I wish that we were closer.  I haven't seen him for about 4 years now, but when I do think that I must get in touch as he's my only brother, I call him and after 2 minutes we either fall out or find we have nothing to say to one another.

We were very lucky growing up, in the sense that we had a great education, and we got the things that I now realise are important, e.g. pets, music lessons, books, travel, but when to an 8 year old, a bleeping toy seems much more appealing!  Our parents didn't really believe in letting us have stuff like that, they were quite old fashioned in a way, and we weren't allowed to watch television or have a computer.  I remember feeling very left out as I didn't know what was going on in Neighbours!  Of course, as soon as I went to uni, I plonked myself down in front of Richard and Judy and pretty much didn't move for 3 years :-).

Anyway, (sorry, I'm rambling), I was very academic and fairly problem-free as a child and I think that my brother felt as though comparisons were always made between us, and he's probably right.  It's very unfair on him, as he's extremely bright but completely unmotivated.  He's 22 now, not a child anymore, and doesn't have a clue what to do with his life.  My mother talks about him a bit to me as she's worried, and I think she feels I'm easier to deal with than him (our father's dead now).  So in that way, she treats us very differently.  Maybe some of the mothers on the board could let me know what they think.  Do parents ever think of their children as adults?

God, I'm going on and none of you even know me!  Sorry, was just fascinated by this thread.  I love the way the web throws together so many different people. 

Fantasic board, hope I haven't bored you rigid...

Kind Regards