Hi just feel so low my dear dad passed away on wednesday, i have looked after him for so long i feel so empty !
he was diagnosed with cancer of his lung in november it was caused by working with asbestos in the docks many years ago,
i feel so alone even though i have great kids and husband, i just want the phone to ring and its my dad i used to see him every day do his washing ironing shopping take him to hospital appointments cook food and now it is all gone and the worst thing is i couldint say goodbye to my dad  , i had been staying at the hospice day and night for 5 days and was completely shatterd so came home for a couple of hours to rest then that dreaded phone call came but i thought it was to tell me to get back there but it was to late he had passed away i feel that i have let him down when i got to the hospice they asked if i would like to see him but i couldint i couldint bear to see my dear dad not breathing i just hope he understands, and worst of all my sister who couldint even be botherd to see him when he was at home has today striped his little home t.v stereo,fridge,cooker ,microwave,even knife forks plates i just hope she can live with it all i wanted of my dads was his over coat thank god she hasint taken that im sorry to go on im just so upset i needed to get it off my chest i feel like i cant greive as i would like as the kids pick up on this but today i took my dog molly for a walk in the woods and had a good cry i no he isint in pain any more but i am i hurt so much .

                        with love sarah xxxxxxxxxx

Sarah
I really feel for you.  My mum died almost 4 years ago when I was 33 years old.  I remember trying to phone her the following christmas to tell her something trivial and breaking down when she didn't answer the phone.  I felt so lonely (even with a husband and kids) after all it was MY mum that had died.  Mum had cancer too, firstly on the kidney which was not life threatening and treatable.  Suddenly it became lung cancer and she died shortly after.  She did not smoke, frequent smokey places, work with dangerous chemicals, she was just unlucky. My mum went to a hospice to have an infection treated in her leg - she died the following day, she was due to stay in for 5 days.  I had visited her and she told me to go to sort out the kids tea.  Within 20 mins of getting home I received THAT call - she was dead.  The worst part for me was not being able to see her at the funeral home - her body had detiorated badly quite quickly and we were advised by the funeral director not to visit her.

Take some time away from your family (even if it's only the bedroom) have a good cry! Ignore your sister - I'm sure she is hurting too,  remember everyone deals with things in a different way and you must deal with it the way you see fit.  Most days I say to myself 'you're a grown up you can deal with it', it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt tho'.

Chin up
Steph

{{{Big hugs Sarah}}}

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad, Sarah :(  I'm sure your Dad would rather you remembered him as he was when alive. As for your sister, well she has the material goods :rolleyes: you have your memories, and I know which is more precious.

liberty {{hugs}}

So very sorry about your father Sarah.

Don't feel guilty about not seeing him after he had died, I'm sure he wouldn't have minded.  I was taken to see one of my uncles and for years remembered the sight of him in his coffin rather than the happy memories I had of him alive.  Since then I have never wanted to 'view' a body and didn't see my mother after her death.  I did see my father in the few minutes after his death as I was there but didn't go later on.  Just try and remember all the happy times you had with him.

My prayers for you and your Dad.  May he Rest in Peace

((Hugs))
Joan and the Griffs

My deepest sympathies to you Sarah. So very sorry to hear of the pain that you're going through. I know how you feel about not seeing your Dad. My Gran died in '90 and I didn't see her before she died. We were really close, she was more like a Mum to me than a Granny. I was absolutely devastated and felt SOO guilty at not having seen her. Who knows though, maybe your Dad was trying to save you bad memories by waiting 'til you had gone home. So many times you hear of people going home and then the person "departing" pretty much as soon as they've left. Maybe it was his last gift to you? That you didn't have to watch his final suffering.

Either way, I really feel for you. You have a lifetime of good memories and as the pain starts to ease a little (which unfortunately is a long time) but it does get a little easier, at least you have all your time together to reflect on. He sounds like he was a good man to command so much love from you. You need to grieve but try and hold on to how lucky you have been to have had him in your life for so long. I'm sure he'll still be keeping an eye out for you whenever he can.

With love and hugs,
Helen.

Hi Sarah,
I felt just the same when my father died, 17 years ago now. The part of me that was 'Daddy's little girl' died too, and I missed him so much it hurt. I refused to see him after he died, and it's something I'm very glad about, because I'm sure that would be an image that would have stayed with me forever, over-riding the happy memories. In time it gets easier to bear, so hold on.

Hi
and thankyou all so very much for all your support, it is good to know that there is people who care and understand what you are going through god bless all of you .

                              sarahxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So sorry Sarah.  I'm sure your dad wouldn't mind you not being there at the end, probably he'd be glad.  You were there for him when he was alive, and that's what matters.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

Simone x

So sorry to hear of your loss :(  I think you dad waited for a time that you were not there, He didnt want you to have to go through that aswell. I really dont think he would mind that you didnt see him after, He didnt want you to. Dont feel guilty, its how he wanted it to be :) Just remember all the happy times, I am sure he does. He will be with you always in your heart and your memories. :)

Hi Sarah

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and am sure you dad was happy for you not to be there at the end for your sake not his. If it helps any my friend had nursed her husband of almost 30 yrs to his death from cancer and he sent her out of the room and died - he'd told her to go feed the dogs - we firmly believe he wanted to die alone that he didn't want her to suffer any longer.

Sarah,

I really do know how you are feeling right now. My parents are both dead, my mum died a few days before Christmas a few years ago & we had been with her all the afternoon/evening, when we stepped outside the room for a coffee & within a few minutes she had died. I spoke to the vicar about this {& I'm not religious} & he said it happened time & time again, it's as if the person is 'holding on' somehow & when people leave the room this person feels that they can 'relax' - then they gently slip away.

We grieve for ouselves & whatever you believe, the person who has died is out of pain/discomfort. We have to grieve & go through the stages that it entails.

My sister did much the same as yours did, I know how heartbreaking that is & if you want to PM me, I'll happily give you my email addy.

I wonder if you would be prepared to contact 'CRUSE' the bereavement organisation?
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

Sarah I am so very sorry to hear about your dad.  Try to think of the great times you shared, i'm sure you have wonderful memories of him.  Just give yourself time and space, do what feels right for you.  I lost my mum to breast cancer last year and it still hurts, but the memories i have of her make me smile and get through the hardest days, one of my first thoughts when she died was that she wouldnt see me get married or see her grandchildren. As time went on i knew in my heart this wasnt true she is still watching over me i am sure.

Take care
Michelle
 

Greiving with you Sarah - it would have been my Dad's 83rd b'day today - he passed away in 2000......

Hi Sarah, I know how you feel, I nursed my dad when he was diagnosed with a brain tumour, it will be 6 yrs ago this October.  I took him into my house and cared for his every need, it was hard work as I also have 4 children.  The worst was I sometimes moaned about the smell?? (he became incontinent.)  After he died I felt so incredibly guilty for moaning as I knew he was terminally ill.  However, over time and with talking to people they convinced me I was only human.  I will never forget my Dad, and my first granddaughter was born last week on what would have been his 64th birthday.  My thoughts are with you and your family and all I can say is time heals.  God bless.

I'm so sorry for your loss Sarah.  It's epsecially hard when you've looked after someone as it takes away your daily routine and some of your purpose in life too.  Your children will be grieving and it may actually be easier for them if they see you grieving too. I don't know how old they are but certainly small children can get more upset and scared if they don't understand what's going on.

I agree with Helen, it may be that your Dad was waiting until after you'd gone home, both for your sake and his. I know of someone who couldn't bear to die with his wife watching and asked her to look away so he could go. It was last loving thing she could do for him. Your Dad knew how much you loved and cared for him and that's what matters most.  It is hard not being able to say goodbye but some people find writing a letter saying goodbye helps to unburden their feelings, then they burn it afterwards so it stays private.

Hugs
Kath. xx

My father died nearly 17 years ago. Due to his liking for a drink, which caused his longterm health problems, he was a very argumentative and disagreeable person for the last 10 years of his life and, at times, made my mother's life hell (and mine at times, although I didn't live at home the last 8/9 years). I got to the hospital too late when he died, due to my husband being overseas and I had no-one to look after my two small children.

I still try to avoid thinking about him, as the anger is still with me, Maybe one day it will go away and I will be able to look back the happy times :(

Daisy

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sarah. When my mum died 16 years ago it happened so quick she wouldn't let my dad phone me to tell me she was ill. He came round to my house 2 hours later to tell me she had passed away. He had been driving round and round. He didn't know where he was. She refused to let me visit me in hospital as she wanted me to remember her as I'd last seen her. I thank her every day for that.

As others have said you need time to grieve, and your children should see you upset. My youngest (at the time) was only 4 years old, but she knew how much her gran meant to us all. Yes it hurts. It still does on her birthday, the anniversary of her death, Christmas, and every time I hear a Jet flying over (we were going to be going to the Leuchars air show the day she went into hospital). You learn to live with the pain, which eases with time. Take time out to grieve. Sending {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Sarah,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my dad suddenly a year ago and it does get easier.  Some days it feels like he's around and some days the pain is hard to bear, but it does get easier.  My memories keep me going and I'm sure you have some good ones of your own.

Joe x

Hi sarah, so sorry for the loss of your dad, its hard i know , my mum left us dec 2002, her funeral was xmas eve... we only found out she had cancer 6 weeks before, we managed to get her home  from hospital 48 hours before she went, thats what she wanted, we were with her till the very end but it didnt make it easier , my dad brother and sister couldnt go see her at the chapel of rest, but i went, i think at a time like this we do what we are strong enough to do, im the youngest , but had to take over ,  I still cry for her many a nite,  I really do feel for you at your sad time,   take care , my thoughts are with you xxxx bev

I'm so sorry :( life can be so unfair :(

I know how you feel, I'm still grieving the loss of my grandma who was alot like a mother to me. When my dad passed away I lived with his parents, I was pretty young so I never knew my dad. I still carry her obits and a poem she wanted given to every one when she passed that is still in my purse. i have some stuff given to me that was hers and every now and then I open the box and look at it, he bird is still in my freezer waiting to be burried -- planning on doing that at her grave....I gotta stop cause my daughter is going to ask why i'm crying :( can't even think or talk about her with out crying :(

Sorry again for your loss, time is suppose to heal but for some people it just takes longer...First part is dealing with it and talking about it I think.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thankyou to all of you i  it really means alot to me,
i have spoken to the vicar who will be doing dads service and we are meeting tomorrow,
i have 5 children oldest 15 and youngest 8 my youngest has took it bad he keeps asking me when his tummy pain will stop coming and going i explained that i too have that pain and that it is becouse we miss dad so much but told him it will get better soon , myself and my 2 eldest boys sat on my bed and had a good cry and a long hug ! but we also had a giggle about the fun times we had togeater my boys say that they will miss going fishing with him but i said although you cant see him he will always be there and in my heart i no he will be there as he was my friend aswell as my dad ,
well i thank you all from the bottom of my heart god bless all of you .

                             love sarah xxxxxxx

{{{{{A big hug}}}} for you i know how you feel :-( it hurts like hell

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry for your loss it must be awful. You sound like you have lovely children and your dad will live on in them for you I am sure.

Take care Gina xxx

Sarah, your Dad would be so proud of you and his grandsons. You have shown such love and courage caring for your father and helping your boys. It hurts to be left behind but time does heal and help you remember all the good times, corny as it sounds. Look after yourself.