When i left my husband following his affair i was pg with our 2nd child in 1995,we already had 1 child aged 2 at that time.
This happened in 1996, i moved back in with my parents and then had our 2nd child, during those few months following the split and divorce the ex saw his 1st child by a contact order every saturdy morning untill i put 200 miles between us and moved to where i am now;
The ex came here to my new town in october 1996 to the court and i offered as much contact as i reluctently could.
A week after the court hearing he withdrew his application for contact.
october 1996 was the last time our 1st child aged 2 saw his birth father and our 2nd child was just a few months old.
no phone calls, no letters or cards, no presents no financial support.[on income support]
Present day my lovely son now aged 10 and daughter now 8 years only know 1 person as dad, my 2nd hubby simon.
The children do know the true full story and my sons attitude is simon is my dad, he looks after me and puts me to bed...bless...
The horrible thing is theres nothing we can do to change thier birth names without contacting the birth father and i think let sleeping dogs lie its best to carry on the way we are.
Legally i have been told that it does not matter how long the birth father is absent for, he can raise his ugly head at any time he likes and apply for contact..
this is such a cruel law, it will upset my children no end and add turmoil to my sons life especially as he has adhd.
its not fair...
Why is this man allowed to walse back with many years of absence into our life's.
it would be great if anyone can help or advise especially if anyone has been through the same.

Hi, i totally see your point.....BUT...i have no idea who my real father is, & very little hope of ever knowing. the whole sorry story didnt come out till i was 18yrs old,but previousley had picked up bits of information here & there.despite all this if a miracle happen & his idenity was proved i would be over the moon & want to know him, no matter what the past was. im 28 now.
maybe when your kids are older they will want to know him?

if my kids wanted to see their birth father or should i say biological father then i would be sad but would help the kids all i could.it works both ways if they didnt want to see him..
i was an adopted child and wasnt told till 16 years, it broke my heart, i would rather have not been told as i did seek out my birth mother and 3 step brothers but to no avail i couldnt cope with a year after my birth mother gave me up my 1st step brother was born and raised with 2 more, selfish me? probably.i ceased contact and my 3 step brothers didnt want to know their big sister.i arrived first.
I am 37 very soon, i have no regrets and still wish i hadnt been told i was adopted as the only patents i loved and had were my adopted ones which i never ever regarded them as.

its always so hard to know what to do for the best isnt it! i think im going to stick with puppies not kids!!!!
do you think your own bad experinces could be effecting your opinions on this? he could(????probaley not!) have changed?

My last memories of my ex were having sex in my car and bed with the next door neighbour [my friend] and id be babysitting all the kids hers as well as my son and hed be meeting her somewhere.
I remember the heartake of him never having a cuddle or feeding our son and finding him taking drugs and being high not giving a damn about anyone.
I recall also taking him back finding out i was expecting opur 2nd child and then finding out the neigbour had an abortion by my ex whilst i was working her shift in the pub.
Loads and loads i could go on..
im bitter even to this day as even now he still has a part of my life when he chooses.
he has had plenty of options in the past even following court to come see his kids, write, phone etc..not a word.
he doesnt even know his son is disabled

Sam, don't worry about this.  It hasn't happened yet.  The surname they have probably doesn't matter to them as long as they have two "parents" to love and care for them.  My son would give his right arm to have TWO parents!

You've got enough to worry about dealing with your son and his needs!

im in kind of the same boat as you michelle - my father left when i was 18 months old and ive never had any contact with him and to be totally frank, dont see any point in it whatsoever now - if ive not had him around or he hasnt wanted to make the effort to be for the last 23 years what does he have to offer me now.... nothing!!!

One of my favorite sayings: any idiot can father a child but takes a proper man to be a dad.......

An old school friend of my mother's married at the beginning of WWII and had a daughter. Her husband went off to war, met someone else in Belgium and never returned. The daughter had no memories of her father. The mother never remarried, but kept in contact with her ex's sister. When the mother died some years ago, the daughter made contact with her father (this was 50+ years later) and enjoyed a good relationship with him until he died last year. She felt that she had done the right thing contacting her father, as it made her life 'complete' - rounding the circle :)

Daisy

i understand what you mean  the law is wrong
im stopping my ex from seeing mine as he was violent and very abusive to me and wasnt interested in the children. he left me with all his debt and as we owned a 2 bed house together he never paid anything towards it but was entitled to 1/2 when it was sold.(had to sell as i had 1 boy and 1 girl  so was too small}  a careing father in my eyes would allow the money to go to provide the children a bigger home not to be claimed by him to spend on dink and drugs
i gave birth to them and raised them on my own , whilest he was out with his mates getting drunk or drugged up. he left when i was 3 months pregnant. and told me to abort her...i kept her...
he never made any contact with my son but when my daughter was 6 months old he decided to go for acseess  . i have refused all this time and my daughter is 2 yrs and 6 months

he has never bought the children anything doesnt pay to support them..yet calls himself a responsble parent..ummm
i know some of you will disagree with them not seeing there biologoical dad but they have a dad who thinks the world of them and is there for them unlike there biological 1/

to me he was just a sperm donor and will never be anything else..

dont know why ive started talking about this im daft, tears are flowing and i feel so damn low.
guess im just under alot of pressure at the mo, im tired and its that time of the month again..

do you have a solicitor...
dont cry... my ex was only do this just to get back at me..

some men can be right twa@s

when i wed simon in 2001 we went for solicitors advice and was told that we can call the kids whatever we liked at school and health authority etc but we cant change the birth certificates.
The kids are know to everyone as the same as us.
As for contact just what i said in first post. whenever he likes to raise his ugly head.
in saying that though he has to travel 200 miles to apply to the court here where we live.

you know simon is great, hes loving very supportive and he dotes on the kids.
we cant have are own children as he had a scare a few years ago and his count is so low, we tried ivf well a drug called clomid but it didnt work, we had the money for icsi but the side effects to my helath were not worth the risk in his eyes and so we just blew the money on xmas for the kids and our selves and my mum, she lives with us..or should i say we all live with her.

sam you are lucky to have him,as you know good men are hard to find!

It dosent sound as if he would turn up! what a horrible man,i dont blame you for worrying! your simon sounds really nice, my step dad really made it difficult for me & VERY obvious i wasnt his (even before i was told!) he really favored his kids & stiill does, thats why i would like to know my real dad as i dont feel ive ever had one.

thanks for your support maybe without realizing it i have reached out for some support today as i feel so low, must be this dredded time of the month ladies.
I hope he never contacts again yet there will always be this fear that maybe one day...
can you see what i mean i left but hes still got some sort of hold in my life.

And youve a lovely dog!!!

Hi Sam ,you sound so happy with Simon ,dont let what your ex MIGHT do rule your life ,also i am fairly sure you can call yourself anything you want ,its not against the law to just let the children use Simons name ,also the children are of an age when they can choose to see your ex or not ,my niece was 9 years old when she decided that she did not want to see her father anymore ,it was not what my sister wanted, but children are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for , and are often able to make their own decisions ( also if your ex  has'nt bothered to keep in  contact after all of this time the reality of being a father is probaly way out of his league,you can only hope)and remember that "any man can be a father ,but it takes someone special to be a Daddy !(to your little ones Simon is their Daddy ! Take care & chin up Bye Sue & Lola xx

Go to a solicitor and they maybe able to get an order to make him stay away as it could have a detrimental effect on the childrens lives if he came back on the scene.

I personally feel however that you have to be honest with the children and let them know the past history as it is part of their lives. When you tell them is a difficult one though but you will know when it is right :)

I wouldn't worry too much as he has stayed away this long and is not likely to turn up now !!

At least you haven't got an ex husband that follows you round the country whenever you move to get away from him!! :rolleyes:

i have spoken in great detail to my two children following a question from my son about who helped you make us.
i sat them down the tears flooded and i told them the full full truth about how why what etc.
bear in mind my son has adhd he replied, if he ever came and said hi im your dad id tell him to get lost, you aint my dad simon is, he cares for me and tucks me up in bed.i dont know you.
My little girl basically just said simons my daddy.

Sam,  you have a big return hug from me.  I now what it feels like to be low.  You did the right thing telling you children.  I personally don't see my father any more (he left when I was 2).  The reason i don't see him is because my step father was very very violent so my mum eventually divorced him.  I thought I better tell my bio father that mum was getting a divorce and he turned round and said 'Well at least he won't knock you around anymore'.  That is fatherly love I thnk not.
Sam, you are one of the most amazing people Ive come into contact with. You have given me inspiration to get up in the morning and get on with life.  Thank you for being you.

But the fact of the matter is he IS their natural  dad and when they are older it is only natural to wonder about your parents if they are not living with you . That is probably why lots of adopted children want to find their birth parents .

There are two sides to a coin though and some women are vindictive and prevent children from having contact with their natural father even when father and child want contact . I think for reasons such as these that the law allows a father to come back at any time . And rightly so.

You just have to support your children and let them know that if they want access or contact in the future then they dont need to feel afraid to tell you .
They can still love their natural father without stopping loving their step father too. And the children need to be aware of that .
If your partner is the only father figure they have known then of course they will view him as their dad.
:)

totally agree with you lel, my partners dad left when he was 5 , hes now 26, he got incontact with him last year and they get on great, the only problem now is his mum is refusing to come to our wedding cos his dads gonna be there, you can never win, but i do belive that anyone should have the right to see their kids in the right controlled situation if needed.

I think sometimes we as parents need to let go and realise that a child does have 2 parents and we are only half of that set. Because  children may want to see their father then we as mothers have to realise that they dont love us any less .

It took me a LONG time to realise that :( and its the children as well as us and the father who all suffer because of that .

L

My ex was in and out of my daughter's life for only 6 months. Her last name was the same as mine because we were not married there was no way she was going to have his....Later on I met my husband when my daughter was 1 and we married in 1995 by then we had a son together. I wanted to change my daughter's last name and have my husband adopt her, got a lawyer and since her biological father has been out of her life for almost 3 years he was dismissed of and my husband adopted her and her last name was changed on her birthcertificate, we all have the same lastname....I ended up with a neighbour who use to go out with my ex and she had a son by him and she is slowely going through the process of changing her son's lastname to hers (he has not seen or even talked to his son in over a year). We still keep in touch so my daughter will no her half brother and we also get along pretty good. My daughter is 11 and her son is 6 and she found out that he had another boy a couple of years ago.....No wonder he doesn't keep in touch with his first son....Iam totally glad he is out of my life...His dad came around about 3 years ago wanting to see my daughter and hubby and I talked about it so we let him back into her life, she does not call him grandpa because she doesn't feel comfortable she barely no's him or see's him, he's a truck driver and doesn't live close by at all which is fine with me. She know's that my hubby adopted her at the age of 3 we thought it much easier for her to grow up knowing then having a shock when she is much older.

I do hope you get things sorted out, but I'm sure your children will want to know their biological father and if you don't let them then they may resent you for it....I know there will come a day she will want to meet him and I told her when she is 18 she can, I feel as this age she will be much more mature and able to handle it 16 I felt was too young. I don't much like the idea at all but that is one choice she will have to make on her own. My hubby and I will be there for her and give as much support as she needs.

gob-smacked, what a lovely thing to say, it made the smile return.

Hi I had a very similar experience, and unfortunately my X did Waltz back into my daughters life, but thankfully wasn't interested in our son.

As my daughter was nearly 13 at the time and having troubles at school it was the worst thing that could have happened, and I blame the contact for her truanting and poor school record since, as she went to live with him for 9 weeksa and he took her out of school.

Our son just doesn't want to know.

If the kids are over 12 they will take their wishes into account, and cannot make them see their Father if they do not wish to.  I am now breathing sigh of releif that my alcoholic Ex can no longer put his hooks into our son, without him agreeing to see him

no disrespect to anyone but my kids biological father is an adulteror which in theory does'nt effect the kids, but what does effect the children is when alcohol, drugs violence and abuse is connected with the absent biological parent, this is when i object to contact, it can skrew up a child having to see this sort of behaviour especially when the two parents bicker and 1 gets abused.
Surely it is in the childs best interest to have no contact at all with a parent like this or at least untill the child is an adult themselves, to cope with that sitauation?
Every story holds two sides as someone has said but in my book respect from my kids comes when the truth is spoken and no secrets are kept, my own mother thought i was wrong telling the kids the full extent of the sad story but then honesty is the best policy?

Children can make their own decisions and they will but the law will never prevent a father being allowed to seek access.

so if a court allowed my ex access for example and say he got to take out these two children who dont know him from adam, drugged up to the eyeballs , drunk, always using foul language as part of his every sentence, the law is right???regardless?
surely this country cant be that stupid and ignorant to the well being of a childs life.
please believe me when i say that the only interest my ex would have is to rile me up i swear this on the bible he would even after so many years..
he was a control freak but i stood my ground and left, i will always be hated by him for doing that and i know one day he will get revenge through using my inocent children

I have that problem telling my daughter  i was pregnant when he left    my son was four and saw everything that happened to me. he still questions why did he put a knife to  your throat.  and it does mess your child up my son still has problems.... he is behind at school and has behaviour diffuculies...and as a result he sees a phycologist

He would have to apply to court for a contact order anyway before being allowed to see them . As he hasnt seen them for a long time then that is your reason for refusal ( the children dont have any form of relationship with him etc). You can refuse on the grounds that it would not be in their interests etc to see him due to past behaviour . The judge will say "yay or nay" depending on the case that his solicitor ( providing he had one) then put forward .
If there was no justification for refusing him to have contact and you still refused to let him see the children (which you have a legal right to do ) then Cafcass would be called in and basically they would speak to your children on their own (depending on their age) and ask them what they want .
If the children are over 12 they have the right to make their own decisions and this is something the Family courts are very keen on due to the Childrens Act - they will cater to the childrens wishes NOT either parents .
This is expensive and a long drawn out process but ultimately is dependant upon the childrens wishes .

If he is abusive etc  there would probably be supervised contact anyway.
I dont think you have need to worry.

thanks for that lel, it is up to the children and i would support them no matter what they want, if they dont want to know still in years to come then financially simon and i will support the costs.
let them speak in court and tell the judge as far as they are concerned they dont know this person and he doe not know them, they have a dad worth more than him anyday

Once the children reach sixteen they are seen as young adults in cases like this and they wouldnt enforce a contact order anyway .
I know - I've been through it :(

By the way at no time will the children go to the family court .
If cafcass was to become involved it would either be in your home or somewhere else but NEVER a court . They would never be put in that situation .
As I say , dont worry . If he has stayed away this long all the better.

When i was young about 18mths my mum kicked my father out and for years my sister and brother and myself was picked up evry satruday and went out for the day, this all went on until i reached the age of 12 and he re -married. After the marraige we were all shunted to the side, my sister had twin girls and he marched back in her life my brother had a son and he marched back in my life when i had my daughter i said no way if he only wants me for his gran daughter the no he is not coming back i am now coming up for 30 and have not seen him for 18 yrs. This may sound har and nasty but i would rather spit on his grave than talk to him.
I remeber that when i was young i want my step fathers name (had always called him dad) my name was changed at school dentist and doctors but i was not able to change it legally until i was 18yrs which i did.

I can gladly say my dad (step dad) is the best father i could hope for and would never change him for the world, as far as i am concerned i have one dad and not two.

Just thought i would say what happened in my life after my parents split

Sam, don't worry about too much now.  Your children will be fine I am sure and I don't think the law will be as "against" you as you feel it might be.  I know it's a bit gobbledygooky but I have put a link to the Children Act below and just a brief glimpse might show you that needs and welfare of the child is paramount.  Nobody is going to let anyone under the influence of alcohol or drugs take your children away.  At worst you could ask for supervised access, i.e. their "father" would have access supervised by a nominated official.

Children Act

I know from my own personal experience how scary this is.  My son's father disappered 5 years ago, we don't know where he is.

Please, please don't fret about this situation too much.

I was married 33 years ago at the age of 17, I have a son by my first husband and Barrie's father never had anything to do with him, he remarried and had another 2 children, Barrie made contact with his father when he was about 16 and after 2 visits his father new wife made it plain that she did not want Barrie around there and once again forbid his father from haveing contact, which he went along with. Just before christmas this year I received an email from the ex husband he traced us through Friends reunited, to say that he was now  getting divorce from the wife and would I put him in contact with my son now 32 years old, he said he regretted not keeping in touch and not being stronger and standing up to his wife, He wants Barrie to meat his 2 half brother as they did not know about my son untill last year and cannot wait to meet there "brother" My ex is liveing in Turkey, working on the oil installations, I thought Barrie had the right to see his father and make his own conclusion, he came over  from Turkey at Christmas but did not have time to see Barrie then, but he was buying a £250,000 appartment and Barrie could have the keys and stay there if he went up North at any time. Last week he came back over to sign the agreements for the appartment, and I found out this afternoon that he was comeing down to east anglia from the north east today to see my son and his grandchildren(they did not know he existed untill before christmas) he has turned up tonight to stay at my sons armed with flowers for barries wife and 2 very expensive  remote controlled car for the grandchildren, which my ex knew about but has never wanted contact with them before, they have gone out tonight with the children to the top hotel in Cambridge, and have been told tonight that he is flying them over to Turkey for a holiday all expenses paid. As you can expect or household will never be the same family that we have had for the last 30 plus years

Britney
as a mother i understand totally where you are coming from
{{{{{{{{{{{big hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
things will be ok - you will always be his mum - the one who brought him up :)
L

one thing i know is that all the money and all gifts in the world are not the same and cant even compete with "a mothers love"

Oh Britney, what can I say?  I know this is the scenario that we all dread in circumstances like these.  I am sure that you will have raised your son to be such a fine young man that when the novelty of all this has started to wear a little thin, things will settle down and your son will be able to see the situation for exactly what it is.  I am a true believer that leopards don't change their spots and the time will come when "dad" says or does something that brings everyone back down with a bump.  Having not been anywhere near the perfect father for all these years will certainly mean he can't maintain this indefinitely.

My stomach is churning over just reading this knowing I could be you in a few years time.  Big hugs to you and I really hope you have lots of people around you to support you through this difficult time. 

Children are not stupid
They NEED to know their other parent but once the novelty has worn off things will be ok.
If you have a good strong relationship with your children they will not discard you- even abused children still over their parents . Its that inbuilt bond that we all have . We all need to be loved by those people that are important to us ie mothers and fathers.
Sometimes we feel that if children are seen to show love and loyalty to the other parent then it means we are "losing" some of that love and loyalty . The human heart is big enough to love more than one person :D and sometimes we need to remember that.

I always used to feel resentment towards my ex partner because I was the one struggling financially bringing up my boys while my ex would be off buying nice things ( house, cars, motorbikes, holidays etc) for himself and his new girlfriend but as the children grow they soon realise . My eldest doesnt have the time for his father now . He will speak and be civil to him but he doesnt choose to spend time with him whereas my youngest son worships the ground he walks on much to my annoyance .
It is only in recent months that I have come to realise he can love both of us. :D

Hope I have explained that ok :o

Quite right.  My daughters father and myself have an outstanding relationship, which helps leanne no end. 

I'm lucky too in that Kipper's father and I also managed to maintain a good relationship after we parted, and I think it helped Kipper because she had two homes that she shared her time between and parents that did not have antagonism towards each other. We've both remarried now and she enjoys good relationships with her step parents too. 

However I realise how fortunate I am,  and I do feel for all of you who were not so lucky in the break up of their relationships and have ongoing problems associated with absent dads etc as it must be difficult to say the least to cope with that sort of thing :(

Lesley

I posted last night about my ex husband showing up in our lives after 30 years, this has made me think a lot. I have legal custody of my 5 year old Granddaughter who has no contact with her father, we have written to him and offered him contact with Savannah, he came once on the day he recieved the letter that was 2 years ago I said that once Savannah had got used to him I would be quite happy for him to take her to her other grandparents that live about 1 hour away as I beleive that she should know both sides of her family, and for her to stay with them for visits.Since then we have had no contact from him and she sees her mother about twice a year and speaks on the phone, but she cannot understand, and calls me mam and my husband dad, she wants what other children in her school have mam & dad, it is a small village school with 49 children and non in the same situation. With what has happened with my son this week-end I know have to try and prepare her that the same thing could happen with her in time to come, I know her father can not apply for custody of her ever again, because of the emotional abuse she suffered,But I am feeling lost was what I can do for her

Hi Gsd sam,

First, I've sent you a PM. I hadn't read all the posts.
I've been through what you've been through. My kids are 14 & 16 now.
Before I met their 'father' I already had two children.
My children are 23 & 21 yr old. 16 & 14 yr old from my second husband.
I later married 'Les'. Although we are now divorced, I must admit he was fantastic with my children.
Although my elder children accepted him as a friend, my younger children accepted him as 'Dad'.
MY children have recently asked about their 'natural father'.
Answer my PM. I've given you an email addy.
It's nice just to have someone just to talk to.

D4wn

must be fate my pc packed in so ive been resting and sleeping most of the weekend, i am overwelmed with all your replies and support and basic friendships, i cant believe some while ago that i was stupid enpough to get upset by 1 person and was going to leave this forum.
it has given me comfort and hope and given me many friendships on here and i am feeling great, i didnt believe how stressed and worn out i had become.
emotions were running away with me but hopefully with thanks to everyone on here i am feeling great now.
i cant say anything else a part from the road is long but i hope i can now walk it strong and not on my own
samxxx

Hi just logged on and read your post.  Have you thought about adoption with your hubby.  This is on the basis that no contact has taken place. 

Hugs to you.

Tessa

hi, if we go for adoption then the ex has to be informed, we went through all this with the solicitor unfortunately.
its best to let sleeping dogs lie without contacting him for anything.

Dunno if this has been said but, we are in a very similar position (except we are friends with the ex).
To cut my story short, we are not allowed to change my daughters surname unless my ex signs the deedpoll agreement. Which my ex wouldn't at the time (he agrees now) BUT you can change the surname to anything you like and say the children are now known as "Smith" without doing it legally, however their passport and important documents cannot be changed this way.
I have done it in the last 3 months and everything bar the passport has been changed (school, doctors, dentist, even child benefit and DLA, mobility etc).

HTH.

Sarah :)

A mother or father whoever is the primary carer is not allowed to change the surname of a child whether that be Family Allowance, school etc unless the permission has been given by the absent parent or anybody who has Parental Responsibility for the child.  In the absence of agreement then an application has to be made to the Court.  Where a child is exercising contact with the parent with whom it is not resident then it is unlikely that the Court would consent as the case law is against the child's name being changed. 

Where a Change of Name Deed is entered into without the permission of any party with Parental Responsibility then should that party become aware that the child's name has been changed then that party can apply to the Court for either a Specific Issue Order and or Prohibited Steps order.

Soz folks but thats how it is.

Tessa