I have just done something I said I wouldn't - I fell out with my Son a Couple of weeks ago now and swore that I wouldn't contact him first - I have just rung and as ever got the answermachine. Hubby will be cross now. Cutting a long story short, my Son has so much time for his Girlfriends Parents and it seems none for us we are like and after thought, he gives us the impression we aren't as good as 'her' Family. I had it out with him 2 weeks ago, it was great to get it off my chest, the thing is nothing will ever change unless he stands up for himself because he does as 'she' says, I'm not just saying that, even my Family can see it. As I said to him last week if it makes him Happy to spending the majority of their time with her family, fine, because at the end of the day I just want him to be Happy. But I do miss him, he isn't allowed to visit us on his own either - they live 5minutes walk away too.

Just needed to get that of my chest, so to speak.

Sweep :(

poor you. it's awful when you fall out with people you care so much for. why not have a big family party, make it a really fun event - not at all formal. it will hopefully make him realise that his family is a huge part of his life. as always at family 'do's', the same old funny stories will come up and the nostalgia won't be lost on him. has his girlfriend met everybody yet ?. if not it would be a lovely gesture from you.
also, if he's spending so much time with her family the novelty will wear off eventually. hang on in there, it'll get sorted.

val

You were brave to make the first move towards reconciliation. She dosent sound very secure wanting him in her pocket all the time, will it last do you think?

:(

If I get time I will mail but do send {{{Hugs}}} in the meantime

Lucy
xx

She could be insecure because of your relationship with him. I have been with Jon for 2 years, but I haven't met his mum yet, and it makes me paranoid when he goes down South to see her as she doesn't know me and I don't know her...daft I know :)

Life is too short to fall out with your loved ones - leave him a message, then back off, and let him come to you. Try to involve her more, if she's paranoid you don't like her, then she will come between you, if she knows you get on, it will settle I am sure. HTH Chloe :)

We love our children but we have to learn to let them live their lives and make their mistakes all we can do is stand back be there when they need us and I know it hurts im going through it now but we cant live their lives for them and we need them to know we are there they will realise eventually whats right and whats wrong. I once asked my son who his best freind was and he said Mum Its you , and that was so lovely that now he is busy living his live I still carry that with me.
sending hugs x Im looking for a poem I wrote ill post it in a bit.

Who Would Be A mother.

Son why do you hurt me so
Will you ever change
You used to be a lovely boy
Now your acting strange
Why did you have to grow up?
And change your ways so much
I reach out to comfort you
Now you are out of touch
You used to be a lovely child
so wonderful to hold
With big blue eyes you would loook at me
A gentle heart of gold
And now another battle fought
Ive never ever won
But I am still your Mother
You will always be my Son

copyright gfryer

Id sugest you ring his mobile and ask him to meet alone.
I know someone whos daughter did the exact same never sent her a card on any mothers day/christmas/birthday which i think is heartless. her problem is the other half.
They arranged to meet alone without the other half knowing and worked it out . phone isent that good for working things out suggest it and see what happens:)
Goodluck anyway

I do think that 'she' may have felt insecure by the relationship my Son and I have or should I say had together. He has also given up his friends too, the Sales job he had he quit as she didn't like the Shift hours he worked, they were not bad hours, he now works with her Father!!!
There isn't anyway I can contact him on his own they are always together, he now doesn't have a mobile phone anymore either! My daughter too has felt that her brother has had to distance himself from her because of the girlfriend again not liking the relationship that he HAD with his Sister. My Daughter resently contacted her Brother to ask him if he'd like to halves on a Xmas present for their Dad, his reply was he felt it was unfair to leave his girlfriend out of things, so he really is becoming exactly as she wants. My Hubby says more fool him for being taken in by her, My hubby never says very much and is quite laid back, gives everyone a chance, but when it comes to this girl, he had her weighed off from the start where as I was the one who has given in all the time and tried and tried to make things work.

I have rung again today but the answermachine is on, I left a message, I know they are in because as I passed their just now when walking the Dogs the lights were on and the car is there, they only live around the corner.

I am at a loss - I know things change when Childrens lives move on, but I did think, or hope that I could remain part of my Son's life, but just feel that we are not allowed.

Sweep :(

You have to keep on with it - don't give up.

My other half, Jon, doesn't have a dad. He has an excuse for one who left him when he was 5. His "dad" made a couple of attempts to get in touch, but when Jon didn't respond (out of loyalty to his mum) his Dad dropped it and hasn't been in touch since - so now its in a stalemate situation. Jon resents his mum because she told him nothing about why they split up, and doesn't have a dad either. The sad thing is that now Jon does want to see his dad, but Jon won't make the first move and clearly his dad won't.

My point in this is that it is very easy to be distracted by pride and what should be right and what isn't. If you feel strongly that his girlfriend is taking him away from you, then she will sense that, and she will resent you for feeling that way. Keep trying. Involve her, she is clearly in his life and he wants her to be, all you can do is accept it, and be ready to pick up the pieces if it goes pearshaped.

Why don't you write a letter to both of them, welcome them both for a sunday lunch, and just put up with her, he'll work it out for himself in the end. Life is too damn short. Don't have a miserable christmas. HTH

my old nan used to say 'you lose a son when he gains a wife, but with a daughter you have her for life', we have 3 daughters and one son and I'm dreading the day he leaves home :-( (he's only 8 at the moment, but time certainly flys by)

Boys eh, my 14 yr old hates me at the mo too, has his 1st exam next week, towards his final GCSE Science and we've done the unthinkable asking him to do a little bit of revision.......All we get is that I'm trying to control his life and make him do stuff he doesn't want to......where did that little smiling blue eyed, blond haired angel go???

You too? Gothboy thinks I am the Antichrist for the same reasons and we're half way through the Prelims. Oh and I dislike his current girlfriend cos shes a snotty condescending little madam who I caught trying to sneak into his room at midnight! Mind you he's a breeze compared to Satans Filly, now grounded for unspeakable behaviour at a swimming pool with her horrible antisocial little friends. They keep coming to the door asking for her and I keep saying dont bother. Just you wait till their student loan runs out, Mummy's Little Cherub will be back!

Hmm sounds soo familiar....Danny has a new girldfriend a yr younger, so that's all he's interested in....Satan's filly sound familair too though ours is known as Molly Dolly and she's 11 in 10 days time, if she behaves. Wanted to go ice skating today with her friend from school, that's fine only this girl looks 15 not 11 and then she added with 2 15 yr old boys, dad goes mad, mum says not a good idea and we are suddenly the parents from hell......Wish they could all remain 5...............
Fi xxxx
God I dread it when all 5 are teenagers.

I don't think she is taking him away from me, he was never 'mine'. I do feel that she has damaged our relationship because she is insecure. I have had them around many times for lunch, dinners etc. (they have been 'going out' together for 3 years nearly and lived together for 1 year,) done their washing if they had a problem, Flat sat when they were away on holiday with her Parents. I feel hurt more by the fact that he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to see us regardless of what she might say. We have helped them out finacially when asked too.

We'll have to wait and see, I guess, see if anyone returns my calls.

Thanx for listening
Sweep x

Then you have done all you can :)

Coming late to this thread, but I feel the best thing you can do is just hang on in there. Make all the right noises, issue the invites etc. If they're not accepted, that's a pity. :( But one day I'm sure he'll need you again, and you don't want to have shut the door on him.

It must be horribly hurtful, but I can't imagine he realises how unhappy he's making you. Try to stay his friend.

Why not just ring up and say you are sorry if you have upset him, and that you only did it because you love him. any mother who loves her son/daughter has the right to be concerned and upset if they feel that they are being replaced by someone else. I nkow it is easier said then done, but really try to tell him this. Why not even send him a message asking him to look at this post. He will soon realise that you do love him so much, and you will always be there for him. Good luck.

Hope this works out for you Sweep
Maybe his conscience will start to prick him soon ;)
Lel

May be it will - I will always be here.

Sweep x

Well then all you can do is wait really till he comes to you. unless you can find a way of getting him on his own:( sad that hes treated you like this.i hope it works out in the end xxxxx

I havn't been able to sleep, so desided that on my normal doggie walk this morning I would post a note threw their door, just to say that I had been around to the flat and also rung, and I hoped all was okay. When I walked the second set of Dogs, I missed my Son's girlfriend by seconds as I saw the car pull away, the light was still on in the Flat so I thought that it might be an ideal opportunity to speak to my Son, he didn't answer the door, so I feel now I have done all I can. Just feeling awful now:(

Sweep

Sweep, my heart goes out to you <<HUGE HUGS TO YOU>>
I have wrote so many posts to you, but keep deleting them off before I send as can't get the wording right.
I've been in this situation twice.....with my mother years ago, and my partners mother when he and I first got together.
The first time, was when my mother thought I was spending too much time with my ex-inlaws,(this was when he and I were just courting) and the second time was when I got my my partner John and his mum thought I was taking him away. We had sooo many fights, and then such a long silence, but throughout all this, I was the one who tried to get him back in touch with his mother.

So, you've tried to contact your son, and he is not responding. Could you now try with his girlfriend??? Explain to her, that you don't know what you have done wrong, how you have only wanted the best for them both. Make sure you include her in everything.
If your son thinks you have 'wronged' his g/f, or are excluding her, then he will stay by her side......try getting her on side, and letting her know what you are going through, how you miss him, miss seeing them both.
One of them has to have a conscience. And we have to remember, until we have kids ourselves, we can't appreciate the true and full strength of a mothers love, so probably neither of them can understand to the extent of how hurt you are.
Its worth a try Sweep.
Sincerely hoping it works out for you all.
Thinking of you.

I feel that what ever I do is wrong. I have inclded his g/friend in everything since they have been together, they have walked the dogs for me etc, but it seems that while everything is on her terms thats fine, I wouldn't think of just popping around as they(she) wouldn't like that(but I did at the weekend because I felt I had to, but to no avail)
We have had a big fall out when they first started going out together(2 years ago) my Son was still living here then, and it is ironic that she would come to us when she fell out with her Mother, many tears she shed over that, and I know that my Son wanted his g/friend to move in with us, but it wouldn't have worked and I was quite up front about that, that was fine, but she came to spend so much time here and took us for granted really, that I suggested to my Son and her that perhaps as they were spending so much time together that they move in together, they moved in there Flat a year later. I have got on with her very well in the past when she wants, we have been shopping together. She always says how much my Son is like his Dad, as if that 's a bad thing! They are very similar in ways and gestures. She has said too inthe past that she enojoyed being with our Family(meaning me, hubby & Daughter) as hers was different, which now I see that my Son has taken to making her Family his, but left us behind. We have never been introduced to her Parents either.
My feeling on the whole is that slowly she has got exactly what she wanted all along - our Son to herself, it does still amaze me that we bought him up to have an opinion of his own and be his own person but she has stiffled this, I am not the only one that has seen this change.
I think I shall see if I have any response from them this evening after they are both in from work, no point in me ringing as they may not answer again. After that I don't know.

Sweep

Ive fallen out with my Uncle yesterday. He is expecting me to travel for 31/2 hours to pick my nan up (86years old) and meet him in Sainsbury's car park which is 200 yards from his house.
The n he wants me to turn round and go straight home. So being really naughty I arranged to pick her up from my cousins house (a further 10 minute drive). I am now the most evil thing that has ever walked the earth because he has not spoken to her since Friday. Not my problem. Id feel like I was human traficing if I exchanged my nan in a car park. Plus I will need a rest after all that driving,

I haven't spoken to my mother(devout catholic) in over 2 years, and it was the best thing i ever did.
You can choose your friends but not your family.

Sarah.
(I divorced and my mother was horrified, i re-married and she nearly commit suicide, she didn't know how she could ever show her face in church again)

Hi sweep. Any luck? You know that we are all there for you. However, you need to understand that if he doesn't want to talk to you, you can't make him. Sorry if that sounded harsh, but it is true. Prehaps tell him that you inderstand you can't make him do anything, but that you would really love an explanation as to how this happened, and what you could have done to change it. (i know it will not be all your fault in the least, but he is more likely to listen if you do this rather then laying the blame on someone else- sorry to sound harsh...again)

Good luck sweep.

I realise that it does look as if I blame his girlfriend for all this but really it is my fault, I could have just said nothing and things would be as they were, fitting us in around her Parents. But I had to get this off my chest, they made us feel awful, and part of the reason I when I explained this was because I needed to say it, yes for me, it needed saying. So the fact that I haven't heard from them only seems to make it look as if I was right, they want nothing to do with us, the fact that I spoke my mind instead of letting it go, has just made us the losers.

I still am hoping that I will get a call later this evening after they come in from work/tea etc. I hope that I don't come across as an awful person, I love my Son very much, but ultimataly if he is Happy and has no contact with us then I can't ask for any more, as long as he is Happy.

In comparison I get on with my Daughters Boyfriend very well, they are spending Christmas with us.

Thanx for all your input - we''ll see what happens

Sweep

I realise too that I can't make him talk to me

Sorry to but in late, is there a problem Sweep that could be keeping your son away from you, like something he can do with her family but not around you, do you have any supicions there has got to be a reason for his behaviour, how old is he? I hope you can work things out, you will always be his Mother and the person who knows him inside out, however much she tries she will never know him like you and never have the bond that you share. :) things will sort out, they always do

My Son is 25 years old! I don't know if he does do anything at his g/friends Parents that he can't do with us as they never discuss what they do do with her Parents, I have always had the impression(rightly or wrongly) that because we aren't as Financially as well off as her Parents that may be a reason for treating us differently(but it has been us they have asked to borrow money from at times). JMO. But I don't know too much about her Parents as we've never met them. We aren't perfect but were aren't that bad either.
You mention the word Bond, I had friends that were very envious of the Bond between Me and Our Son, I fear it is no longer there.

May I just say the Poem earlier by 'mattie' is so true - Thank you Mattie.

Sweep

Sweep,

You really need to speak with your son, go round thre and stand there knocking and shouting through the letterbox until they answer, he is your son he has no right to treat you this way for no reason, sit them both down for a chat and ak what the problem is, have a cuppa and a chat, you will be suprised how easily it will be sorted and if not atleast you know you tried, I think the fact that you earn les than her family will have nothing to do with it you are just clutching at straws because you dont know the real reason, :)

right what time will he be in, get your shoes on, get the dogs and march your way round there with your head held high and dont move until they let you in, they cant ignore you all night if you stand there shouting through the letter box. GO GIRL :D

Sweep - oh how I feel for you!

At the moment (and I say this with fingers & toes crossed!) all is "sweetness & light" in our family - for the time being.........

I think that being a mother of sons means treading on eggshells for the rest of your life, once they connect to a partner - talk about can't do right for doing wrong! Just now, we have No 1 son back with us - his (I wont call her a bitch - that's too nice a name) of a partner lost him his house - but whilst she was with him, we couldn't say anything agin her - I had a feeling, but kept it buttoned up - how I wish now I had put my thoughts into words - he might have still had his house - however, he did come back to us - because we hadn't put him in a position where he had to admit he was in the wrong.

I think that my advice to you is - just keep on talking to him - and her - ignore the fact that they don't respond - keep on talking, letting them know what's going on in the family - WITHOUT letting them see how much it is hurting you - and sooner or later, he will come back. It's a very hard thing to do, I know - but hang on in there girl - it was hard work having him - and now it's hard work keeping him. Remember the words of Jonathan Livingstone Seagull - if you love someone - let it go - if he is yours, he will return - if not - you didn't own him anyway.

Thinking of you, and hoping for a good result - I do know what it is like when one thinks one family is "better than the other :("

Love
Margot

He will be in soon - no point in me going around and knocking/ringing door, they live in a flat and there is one main door which is always locked which leads to the other flats in the block, i can ring the bell but that doesn't mean they will answer. I will have to be patient. At least the pups are keeping me very busy so that is taking my mind of things a bit.

Sweep

I too fell out with mum about 18 months ago, it was something and nothing to do with something hubs said in jest!! she told me he wasn't welcome there so I saw my bum and said then I wouldn't be! Though I have to say over the years she has been demanding, critical etc. I tried to mkae it up and speak to her but she still treated me like I was ten, I'm 39 next month (shh don't tell anyone that). But as Sarah says, best thing I ever did too. i love her she's my mum, but has done some horrid things towards me in the past and to top it all she doesn't bother with the kids! OOh the things I could say, I know I'm not perfect but I've tried to do the best. Unfortunatley Dad died 13 yrs ago and I know if he was alive he would have banged our heads together.
Sweep all I can say is your doing your bit, you can't do much more, you can be my mum if you want ;)
Best of luck
What a lot we are!
Fi xx

Just keep on - popping the notes through the door - sending emails - just chatty ones - not saying that you miss them or anything like that - just what you are doing, what the puppies are doing, what other members of the family are doing.... the cat next door ..... you get my dr#ift - just anything - just really saying that whatever you do, wherever you go, whether you like it or not, I'm your mum - the only one you have got - and whatever you do, you can't stop me having feelings for you!

{{{hugs}}} and love - and now have a nice glass of wine - or something!

Margotxx

Have you thought about getting to his house just before he comes home , he will have no choice but to talk to you face to face ;) thats better then a note :D
Keep us informed :) im sure he will come round soon

Sorry couldn't get on here last night to tell you - he rang last night, very matter of fact about how busy he'd been etc. etc. that's why he hadn't rung before, then told me that they had been out with the g/friends family over the weekend, BUT I SAID NOTHING, right or wrong I don't know Anyway I asked if he was going to come around a t all and he asked what we were doing today, I assumed he ment after he'd finished work, but he's not working this week and so he is coming around this afternoon ALONE, because his g/friend is at work, he asked what time and I said anytime is fine.

So we'll see - I will let you know - not sure what to say with regards what has been said - this is the first time I will have seen him on his own for ages - must admit that I am very wary of saying the wrong thing.

Oh boy!

Sweep x

Good luck - act as if nothing is amiss - after all - you've not done anything - try and keep it as "normal" as possible - but remember BITE YOUR TONGUE (I know - it's hard for me as well at times:) ) .

Lotsaluv
Margot

Glad the boy is coming round, Sweep :) Let us know how it goes.

Still waiting.............. I am wondering if he is going to wait until she comes in from work!:rolleyes:
We'll see.

Sweep

Nothing yet..................

Sweep

He turned up at 3.50pm he had been working an extra half day, then he had a call to go for an interview for a job. Should I have said you could of let me know? I didn't. Anyway he had a cup of Tea, a chat like nothing had happened, I asked how they were getting on without a Washing Machine(theirs broke) he said they were doing most of it by hand............you guessed I offered to do it!! He then asked if his g/friend could see the pups before they left for their new homes, so I asked if they would like they could have Tea here Friday, he will let me know! He then left, he was here 15/20 mins, never acknowleged his Dad.
I do so hope he gets this new job as it will give him a bit more independance from her family.

So much I wanted to say to him..........but didn't.......if he turns up tomorrow with his washing I may ask a bit more.

It was nice to see him......but I think we have lost something........

Sweep

Its never " lost" sweep, as a former ungrateful brat I can tell you the good work parents do is never lost just unappreciated until something triggers a reappraisal. With me it was having children of my own that prompted an appreciation of my parents' efforts. Sounds like hes feeling the need to seperate himself from the outlaws a bit, promising :) Dont take this the wrong way as you have more parenting experience than me, but I find the trick is DONT ASK and males confide more. You are a saint to have them round for tea and do washing etc so youre doing youre bit for peace. YOu dont think shell ask about a pup do you?

I'm pleased he came round for you, that's good and I'm sure any awkwardness won't last (and it's probably him who feels awkward) a few eeks and all will be well. Good luck
Fi xxxx

Sweep
NEVER feel too proud or too awkward to tell him you LOVE him . He may get embaressed but so what.... ? :)

Well done Sweep - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!:D

I'll lay odds that you wanted to turn round & say "oh haven't Miss High & Mighty's parents got a spare washing machine??" :D - but you didn't!!!

Just keep on as you are going - let off steam here (we won't tell!), and gradually, you will build up a working relationship with this young woman - let's face it - she has got taste - she has made a play for YOUR boy!!!

Keep up the good work

Margotxx

Oh you are so right about wanting to say something but I surprised myself by not! I can only wait and see the outcome, whether they do come for tea etc. As for maybe wanting a Pup she has no chance they are all spoken for, it is probably her way of trying to make some sort of common ground between us, I'd like to think.
Don't get me wrong in other ways she is fine, has a good job, isn't afraid of hard work, cooks well(but takes ages doing it!!) is good at budgeting too. It is just the attitude that our Son is now hers, whether this relationship will last I don't know - this is my Son's first g/friend( she has had more than one boyfriend) - although he's 25 yrs old he has had a good few years with his mates( who he dropped because of her, even though his mates tried to keep in contact she always scuppered their meetings somehow) holidayed with his mates to america,also a couple of other places.

Wait and see is all I can do.

Will keep you up to date:)

Sweep x

Hi Sweep. Just wanted to wish you a lot of luck and im sure things will work out for you! You could always mention things you used to do in the past with your son that were fun (before evil gf was around!) (maybe holidays? happy moments!) that may make him think ''I remember that!.. they were good times!'' and spark the mother son bonding candle! Good luck again! let us now how it goes!
Love Sara.
XxXxX :)

Glad it's started to go right .......

Just to update abit more - he has been back again with their washing and they are coming for Tea tomorrow eekk!! First time I will have seen her since I said my piece..........

Sweep