HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a
baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth,
pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left
arm and repeat
process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws
tightly with
left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from
garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one
hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat
vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make
note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow
down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to
take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with
cold water
and mild soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Gently
force
mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and
check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek
to
disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road.
Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil
wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and
bind tightly
to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it if necessary.
Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency
room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the "mutant catl" and call
local
pet shop to
see if they have any really small hamsters.

:D :D Love it :D :D

liberty

And most of it is true!!! :D :D :D

have seen that before but it still creases me up!.:D :D :D .

ha ha ha ha ha :D

Brill just brill
Budmag

Oh Boy!! Does that bring back memories!!!

ears ago, I had a persian cat clamp its teeth round my left index finger - through the nail and on the other side. I was alone in the house (I had been bathing the little darling) and, what seemed a lifetime, it relaxed & let its grip go, so my finger was free! I swear it looked like one of those fingers on Tom & Jerry :D! Now, years after, when the weather turns cold, the back of my finger feels as if I have just caught it in the steam from the kettle!!

The cat suffered no after effects - apart from a mega sulk because I didn't blow dry her straight away!!

Margot