I don't really know the point in posting this and do apologise for it.

I guess I'm just struggling at the fringes of depression again and its all part of a pattern that happens at this time of year for the past 3 years.

I haven't had it easy these past 5 years and I know that everyone has issues and problems to deal with but I'm getting to the point of giving up completely.

10 years ago my mum died. I was 22 and studying law. Although my world fell apart, my law diploma fell through, my dad was my rock and we got through it. After a year out, I reevaluated my life and decided to go into teaching. I worked as a teaching assistant for a year and then completed the PGCE.  Then 6 years ago I met my husband and we got married in april 2010. I thought things were going great but in august that year my dad died suddenly. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. He was 62. Things began to unravel a little.  Questions like why us? Plagued my mind. I struggled to complete my induction year and joined a supply agency on a zero hours contract. The mortgage had to be paid after all and my husband stuggled to find work for the first 14months of our marriage.

I plodded on, trying to find work in order to complete my induction without success. In 2012 I started to feel unwell and struggle with basic housework. Doctor couldn't work out what was wrong until I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. Being diabetic I knew the planning involved in a pregnancy and that my health was bad but everyone told me to think positive. I had gotten pregnant despite using 2 contraceptives, maybe it was fate. However, at nearly 5 months gone, I went into labour and lost my son. Still reeling from the shock, 2 weeks later we heard that my father in law had died. His family went so far as to say that my loss was the cause.

I went into depression, my marriage nearly failed, I started to hate my husband, his family and even my sister. I would sit and cry all day, self harm or sleep and then rush around doing housework just before hubby came home to hide the fact. I was isolated, no family or friends nearby and although I find it easier to make friends with the elderly,  they tend to pass away, further cementing the loss. I ended up seeing a councillor when I started to plan various ways to end everything. Things got better and after 3 months of intensive therapy I felt I had a better outlook on life.

I still needed to complete my induction and after trying everything else, I approached a school and offered to teach for free just to get it done. 7 months of full time work with no pay and it was finally complete. Things were looking up.  We started trying for a baby, planned 2 breedings with our bitches and there were talks of a job for me in september.

But come february, I had another miscarriage, in april the job offer fell through due to lack of funding, both bitches missed and after 17 job applications, 4 interviews and no work since end of last month, I'm hanging on the fringes of depression again. Why is it so hard for me? Anything I put my heart in to fails. The last 5 years have been pitfall after pitfall. I don't think many people have had to work as hard as I have to complete the teaching degree and surely my determination should count for something? But I'm tired of struggling against the current all the time.  Everyone else is moving onwards and upwards, I can barely stay on an even keel.

Been there, done the thing with falling down the 'black hole' when the world carries on and doesn't even notice you are not there.
main suggestion would be to talk to your doctor and maybe antidepressants, I fought like h**l to avoid them to begin with but they made enough of a difference that I could then think about starting to live again.

Can you get to see the therapist again as that helped you last time, don't wait till you hit the bottom of the black hole.

Talk, talk to your husband, talk to the dogs, talk to your sister

Big hugs ((( )))  to you

gsdowner - you have reason to be depressed babe - you have had loss after loss after loss - its sounds like a continual cycle of grief and hard work.  It is not a depression without a cause or reason. You have reason to feel that the world is unfair, because often it is. You have had a lot of things happen to you in a short amount of time; its hard to completely deal with one major loss when before you do a new one comes along

I've been where you are, and have been down the grief-stricken black hole. I made the mistake of refusing any help, refusing to talk about it much and refusing anti-depressants for 13 years.  I just called my issues "the blues" or "depression" when really it was the fact that I didn't properly grieve when I should have - I didnt allow myself to feel the loss and feel sorry for myself at the right time but instead sought to make myself push forward, get past it, pretend it didn't happen and that I was perfectly fine. But that puts off the problem not solve it. And it sounds to me that you tried to deal with grief but weren't really given a chance to because so many sad things happened one after the other barely giving you space to breathe.

It took me 13 years, a life of fighting hard and getting nowhere - achieving things but not feeling I had achieved anything - feeling I was treading water rather than swimming on ahead - that I finally gave in -faced my grief, cried a lot and allowed myself time to wallow, to pity myself, to realise that life really wasn't fair and that I was justified in being sad and even angry about that for bit. Sometimes you have to go backwards and both face & talk about those things before you can forge ahead. Then I got myself together, got help & got anti-depressants when I felt ready to.  The right ones eventually made the world feel less bleak and pointless, though further losses still throw me a curve ball every now and then I do allow myself to check out of life a little when they do now so I can face things when I should. Failing to allow myself proper time to grieve is what kept me in the dark for 13 years - don't let that happen for you.

Find someone to talk to - professional or otherwise - get to your GP to see what you can have that helps. And let yourself feel whatever you feel when you feel it - don't try to mask it or force yourself past things. Accept you have had a really bad time of things, that anyone would be depressed or angry in the same situation - and that you are right to feel whatever you feel, whenever you feel it. Then find a way with the help of someone to vent at and talk to like a councillor and accept any help your GP offers.

First big hugs to you, depression ie Black dog, Black Cloak or Black hole/cave can strike anyone. I've had a bad three years and even now still have bad days where I want to just hide away from everyone and think awful gloomy thoughts. For me  my dog has been my saviour he needed someone to look out for him and as he needed to walk it forced me to go out daily! I had panic attacks yes and anxiety hit all time high however with him I felt safe. It's worked with me losing weight too walking 5-6 miles over last 7 months.  Yes I still prefer to not be in built up areas so I don't have to socialise. I did get help and still receiving help.If you can't talk to your husband (I bottle things up too) try writing an email or letter? It helped with me.
Here if you need me message anytime

I'm so very sorry, you've had more than your fair share of bad things happening.{{hug sweetheart}}

You know we are brought up from childhood and imprinted with all the good that life has to offer us, 'work hard and you get rewards, be a good person and life will give you good things.' I'm sure we have all heard those quotes.

The truth is life just isn't like that, and when bad things happen you're sometimes left with 'why me?' Because we feel it must be a punishment, it must be just us and that no-one else feels the grief and loss we do.

The next truth is that we all lose our parents, the very unlucky (bless you) lose our children, (your loss is enormous) our husbands, close friends, there are millions of people all over the world losing people they love and care for,  that is what life is all about, everyone we know including ourselves, well........ we are all going to die,

But, that is why we need to embrace life, we only get one go at it, it will not be a fairy tale, it will not always be happy, bad things will happen to us all, we need to cry and vent and unfortunately sometimes try to blame someone,  it is how we deal with those bad things hun, my parents always had the attitude of chin up, cry and then hold your head up and just get on with it, life's not always a picnic. (Too true)

The worst thing we can do is look back, we have to look forward if we are ever to find happiness after bad things happen. Otherwise we do fall into a big black hole of despair, it is very easy to do that, much harder to march forward, so far you've been so brave and have done that, don't stop now.

You've had more than most to contend with all at once, it must feel like one thing after the other, but keep trying, keep looking forward, good things will come, they always do............eventually.........there is nothing worse than no life at all, even if you are feeling terrible at times, to feel nothing ever again, to never have the chance of seeing good things happen is even worse.

Punch your fist through that despair and walk on......

You'll get that job, it will come, I have everything crossed that you will also have another chance to have a baby, I look forward to reading you say so in the future, and puppies too, keep pushing through, keep trying, the bad times are as normal as the good, we just all bl**dy hate them, but fight for your future.........it is there.

Can't think of anything helpful or meaningful to say, perhaps I should say nothing but I wanted you to know I care about how you are feeling and urge you to fight on, there will be better times.

I'm wide awake and keep going over your post. I know how it feels to be not just "down" but at rock bottom enveloped in the black cloak of depression. It smothers, weighs you down yet also shields you. It's hard to talk about it and yes its still seen by a stigma to some people. 1 in 4 are the statistics of people with mental health issues however, I'm sure more people float under the radar. Antidepressants can help and some can have side effects, which to start with can feel blooming horrible for 4-6 weeks. Tablets thou for some, can be a short measure and you can feel better with cbt, 1-1 counselling with Psychologist or for me exercise by walking daily. A fortnight away and forgot take my med's with me! Feeling an eejit wouldn't see a temp Dr I didn't know I went through withdrawal and boy did I pound country lanes, bridle paths twice daily. I felt reluctant to start again so I carried on regime of exercise, timing myself, setting goals and then the food plan. I lost weight and started to feel a little more "me". Walking was the one time my mind switched off and I concentrated on my boy, recall, training etc. This was my focus and sort of grounded me for a while.For the positive came the negatives of painful planters heel! and back problem surfaced and through pain I had to scale down walking whilst steroid injections in heel and nerves burnt away in back. The less I walked I felt low. I recognised the gloom returning and started to talk to one friend about my dark cloak and how I felt. It's still hard to talk to my OH about it but he has been a trooper, a solid safe rock supporting me. I find it easier to write how I feel ironic I know as I'm on a forum! I text if it's a bad day and for us this works.
I hope you find your way of "talking" to your husband or a close friend.You made the first big leap by posting here.
Lots of hugs ((((((((tlc))))))))

Sometimes you wish the earth would just open you up and swallow you whole...knowing my luck, it would spit me right back out again.

I hadn't realised just how common this is.  I know I'm not the only person on anti-depressants but because I never talk about it I sort of hide away from it (in case someone thinks I'm a nutter.)  There are lots of us!

One thing from tatty-ead really rings true

> done the thing with falling down the 'black hole' when the world carries on and doesn't even notice you are not there

You have lost your children.  That is something on another plane altogether.  Do not 'work through it'. Unless you actually do grief work.  Trying to move on, be strong have closure....  I don't know about you, these phrases either make me feel mad or, more often, completely useless.  I'm no stranger to grief - parents, sister, brother in law etc.  The loss of my son 11/01/13 is still something else altogether and I've had the support of a counsellor for over 2 years.  I doubt I'd be here now without that, my other son and my dogs.
Counselling has been great for me, I wouldn't recommend CBT for your grief.  I believe you need to feel it and go through it - but all in your own time. 
There are a number of sites that you can either read or join in.  I still just read.  I do write a journal and some pretty awful poetry; not so often now, but it's there when I need it.  I don't know how you feel, just that you are in pain and need to be kind to yourself.  Xxx

Some links you may, sometimes want to look at, or even give you ideas/links... 

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/forum/14-loss-of-a-child/

http://www.cruse.org.uk/?domain=www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

http://www.tcf.org.uk/

http://www.buddhanet.net/psygrief.htm

I seem to be in tears a lot these past few days. This morning, mid cry, I kept trying to scream but although I was opening my mouth, no sound came out. Just so used to silent crying that I do it even when I'm alone. I'm trying really hard but the current is getting stronger and I'm struggling against the tide.

Have you been to see your GP lately? Or do you have the crisis number you can call and speak to someone?  I used to use different types of music to help me,  to cry and shout too and then one's that made me just cry and those that made me feel calm inside.
You need someone to talk too be it a close friend or family member or a stranger say the samaritans
if you want to be anonymous.
It will not change overnight however you will make small steps at first and then feel some 9 the gloom lift. You have also a lot of anger/hurt still to address and please please do seek help.

I don't post very often here any more but your post has prompted my posting a reply.   Please, please seek professional help gsdowner, as well meaning as our replies are, you really need to seek professional help to find a light at the end of this dark tunnel you find yourself in.  Please seek help!

I hope your ok? You are finding help? Here if need someone to listen

Just wanted to say hi...I didn't fall through the abyss. Things are still tough but nowhere near as bad as they were 2 months ago.

I tried to talk to the gp but the waiting list for counselling is over 4 months long so no sign of the appointment yet.

Still going to dog club and have started drawing again. One of my girls passed her kc silver last thursday...baby steps.

Missed the forum and all of you. Thank you for the support.

Glad things are getting a little better for you, try not to cut yourself off from the world going to dog club is a marvellous thing all form of contact will help. God bless xx

Good to hear from you Re starting drawing sounds good progress, tiny baby steps forward I found helped me. The wait for appointments are long but do give them a call or get GP to and remind them your waiting.Good news re your girl's K.C silver bet your thrilled. Have you thought about a daily blog for just you to see? Could use a drawing to reflect your thoughts, mood etc. Always good to then look back and see the changes. Always here if need to talk well mesage

My BIL died suddenly 5 week before xmas and my Dad died 2 days before xmas last year. It was all very traumatic for myself, Mum (they'd been together well over 60 years) and sister. Someone recommended Rhodiola to me all 3 of us have taken it and found its helped. Its doesn't take you over like antidepressants do but just sort of clears the fog of doom a little to make things brighter if that makes sense.
http://www.healthspan.co.uk/products/rhodiola-stress-relief?sc_camp=D5852FEE377A4D0092C91E64EB7AB358&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=%2Brhodiola%20%2Banxiety&utm_campaign=rhodiola-thr&utm_content=rhodiola_anxiety
I too have started drawing again after not doing any for around 14 years. Trying to get better at dog portraits. Wishing you well

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I have started training another of the girls for silver. Luckily my other girl passed her's just before coming in to season. Not overly excited about the beginning of term but I always find it a little difficult to get back into things.

I don't really have huge hopes for the little bitch regarding her season, so am thinking of putting her to my own stud to see how she does before approaching a different stud. She is petite compared to others in her lineage and wonder whether she is a one off. If what she produces is petite then I think I wouldn't continue her line. I know what my boy produces so no worries there. Just haven't used him in a year and a half so not sure of his fertility at his age.

Fingers crossed x