My son has just finished Uni and has moved back home. He has asked if his girlfriend can move in too. I have agreed to this but am not sure how much to ask for rent. They are on Job seekers allowance at the moment although son does have a job lined up for mid september.

Son did a budget which he showed me which showed that after all his expenses he could afford £40pw for  both him and gf to pay for their keep. I dont want to profit from them but I will have to pay extra council tax of £30 pm plus will be buying their food , then there is the cost of electric, water as Im on a meter, etc.When  I discussed what I wanted son said his food at uni was costing £30pw just for him not including gf. If this is the case then I feel £40 is not enough even to cover their food never mind anything else. 

I have suggested that they dont live together for now as then gf will get jobseekers as well as him which will give them more money but they are determined they want to. gf could carry on living with her mum and they would be able to see each other a lot but they wont do it. Am I being unreasonable? is £40pw an average amount of keep for a couple living with parents?

I would suggest girlfriend doesn't move in as yet - he must understand the figures don't add up and why should you keep his girlfriend when she lives close enough for him to see her often anyway.
Life is all about choices and options...

Your not being unreasonable.

If you were on benefits and he were a child you'd get over £50 a week per child.

His Jobseekers is supposed to be for food bills etc (so everything bar rent, so water, gas Electric TV license, food etc), with some pocket money left over, so basically he should be expecting to hand over about 2/3rds of it at least.  for  couple they would receive £113.70 as a couple, so £75 would not be unreasonable for them to give you and you'd still be out of pocket.

I have my son and daughter in law living with me for the past year (they've now bought their house but are doing it up, as it needed gutting) and I was amazed at how much my bills increased by.  My Gas and Electric have both gone up by Electric up half as much again and Gas nearly doubled. 

If they want to live together they can go Rent (then they'd see how much they would have left over after paying out for everything).

I agree with Barbara on this. My son and his wife lived with us for three months (seemed longer) and the bills went up and up especially our Internet bill as we have a download limit. They seemed to be constantly in the shower and washing great mounds of clothing, irritatingly things only worn once during an evening out. So the water usage, we're on a meter too, suddenly rose let alone the electricity. We didn't charge them anything as we were keen that they were able to save up for a deposit and some furniture for when they found there own place and jobs. However they did buy a lot of their own food as my DIL is foreign and had her own tastes initially, she has come round to British foods and cooking now. :-)
Many years ago when I was young, my mum had half my wages of £7.00 a week, which left me enough for bus fares and a few bits and pieces. I was also trying to save up for my forthcoming marriage.

Oh gosh always difficult. My sons gf doesn't live with us but you would be hard pushed to notice the difference she stays 5 out of 7 days around her shift pattern and goes home to get things and stay some nights to see mum. I would suggest that your sons gf des does the same and stays when it suits you and them and maybe he goes to hers a couple of days a week. That way they would also have more money perfectly legally
How much of  a difference would it be to them really to have her not there all the time? And he could always stay at hers ?  The other thing for us is that we don't have anymore than his bedroom for them to live in and that room is small. Although they can share the house with us of course it still means that they spend most of their time in his room fi they want to be private. My two have made it work for 6 years now and are saving to buy a place.
It also means if they have a row lol they can have time away from each other which I think helps. Being in another persons house and having words with your partner is always hard and no where to go as well. Not saying they are rowing all the time but it happen

It is hard to work out a figure especially when neither are working but as you say with this arrangement they can legal claim jsa and still see each other almost as much as living together

It was easier in my case as both son and gf work. He pays me an amount worked out by taking everything out of the monthly budget that wont change if he moves out

eg mortgage , insurances etc and then we divided  the number that was left by the number of people living in the house not including gf. It came out at a reasonable

figure which we agreed on. he does actually buy a lot of their food as well, but then they are as I said fully employed

As Barbara says have a look at renting . for couple in out London they would be getting around £156 a week for housing benefit and other than jsa very little else. With rents as they are around London its not easy to find places for under £700 even if they will take dss.

Maybe when they both have jobs you can reconsider things.

To my mind, you are under no obligation to support your sons girlfriend, which it sounds as if you would be, let her own family support her, I see no reason why you should be out of pocket just so they can shack up with each other.
I actually think it's a bit of a cheek.

I would suggest girlfriend doesn't move in as yet - he must understand the figures don't add up and why should you keep his girlfriend when she lives close enough for him to see her often anyway.
Life is all about choices and options...

This I'd totally agree with - and would you be happy having them living together as b/f and g/f (!!) under YOUR roof???  

>I have suggested that they dont live together for now as then gf will get jobseekers as well as him which will give them more >money but they are determined they want to. gf could carry on living with her mum and they would be able to see each other a lot >but they wont do it. Am I being unreasonable? is £40pw an average amount of keep for a couple living with parents?

Is this a joke?

My daughter paid more than that when she lived at home over ten years ago!

Granted,  she was working,  but didn't earn very much as it was a very low wage,  and not full time hours.   It was about half her wage. 

If they are determined to be together,  then it won't  hurt them to wait until they are earning enough to finance it.   To not have two sets of JSA which they are entitled to,  is just madness!

Put  it this way -   how happy would you be if they asked you to give her job seekers allowance?   Which is what they are really asking you to do ;-) >

You may be OK with the situation now,  but how will you feel in a month's time?   In 6 month's?   When  the  reality of having to pay for them kicks in and the true cost of it all becomes clear  :-(

When my stepson lived at home and was getting JSA he had to pay us half of it (which came to less than £30 but we couldn't demand all as he'd need SOME money to get to the job centre etc) AND do jobs around the house that we requested (that was the hard part, getting him to do things).
Tell your son he can live with his girlfriend when they have a place of their own.

I think you need to work out what the bills will roughly come to if your son stays on his own, I was granted working but paid £400 p/m rent to my Dad which I think just about covered board and bills.
My foot would be put down and refuse to allow her to live with you. Why can't they both live at her parents house? Bet they wouldn't allow for this to happen either?

Nope I'd get your sums together and show him what you expect. Any reason he can't get himself a job, even if it is casual/part time for now? Gets him out of the house and earning at the very least, maybe a confession if he does get himself a job and keeps it for a period of time, as for the gf, sorry no way send her back home to her parents or double the money you want from your son, I'm sure that would soon put her off and realise she's better back at home.

For me Smithy there is no right or wrong, some of us will charge more some not at all........ it comes down to one thing only, what you can afford, the whole idea of Uni is to try to give the education to walk into a well paid job and support themselves.

Your son is walking into a job..... why isn't the girlfriend? £20 a week if you are not in a well paid job yourself is not enough to feed, and pay her portion of bills, do not get yourself into trouble if you cannot afford it, we all do it for our children, but you should not for others.

If you can afford it, then by all means accept what is offered and give them a chance to save and get their own place eventually, but the girlfriend needs to be working too, hopefully she will find a job soon, IMO if you cannot afford things wait, until she is working. :-)

> is £40pw an average amount of keep for a couple living with parents?

Wow, this is exactly the amount my Mother charged my brother 30 years ago, girlfriend not included!  £40 will cover hardly anything.

Your son might have had a food budget of £30 when he was paying, but you will probably find that he is less careful of how much he eats when you are paying.

It's great if you can help your kids out but if it's going to put you out of pocket it will end up putting a strain on your relationship. Have they said why they want to live together? If it's to enter the responsibility of adulthood then that's not happening, especially with the total disregard of your hard earned income by throwing away her jobseekers and expecting you to pick up the slack. If it's for privacy, that's not going to happen either.

I'm sure they are both great kids but they still have a lot to learn about what it really means to be self sufficient adults.

Sometimes you can help your kids the most by letting them do the hard work for what they want, and just keeping your help for when they really need it.

My middle son came back home last november when the house he was renting came to the end of the tenancy term. He had split with his girlfriend in the feb and was struggling with bills. He pays me £300 a month and by the time I have paid all the extras,ie gas, elec, food and his sky multiroom plus his washing and ironing I am in profit by about £10 lol.I would not let your son's girlfriend move in. If he wants to live with her then he should find his own place to live. £40 a week is nowhere near enough to keep him on his own let alone keep his girlfriend as well.

>I'm sure they are both great kids but they still have a lot to learn about what it really means to be self sufficient adults.

>Sometimes you can help your kids the most by letting them do the hard work for what they want, and just keeping your help for when they really need it.

Well said.

If this was me.  Girlfriend does not move in.  You have the money he gets from the government and you give him pocket money of £10 a week which I believe school children get on average.  He also does his share of the housework, gardening and shopping etc.

It would probably be cheaper for you to give them the deposit to rent a flat. They can then find out what it really costs to live together.

My son has just moved back home for the second time--having lived here for 3 years, he lived away for 3 months and then returned. It was supposed to be for 2-3 weeks, but it has been 5 months now and there is no sign of anything changing. He pays me approximately 25% of his net salary, about £220. That is supposed to cover all his bills and food. It doesn't come anywhere close. I can't afford to subsidise him and I admit I feel pretty annoyed when I struggle to pay the bills and he comes home having spent £100 on a night out in the pubs and clubs with his mates.

The point of this is it is my own fault for allowing it to continue and this is the main reason I feel annoyed. I've asked him about his plans, but he tells me he would rather look for another job and then move. It dawned on me a while ago that as much as he would rather not live with a demented dog lady, at least he can afford to treat himself to nights out, etc., all of which would come to an end if he had to pay the going rate to a landlord and fend for himself.

Incidentally, he never does any housework either--he's too tired, or just going out, and so on. My house never looked so good as when he was away. Sounds very mean, I know, but at 26 he should be on his way and I should be granted parole :-)

So think hard before agreeing...if they have no incentive to move out they may never do, and in the meantime chances are you will not feel happy with yourself.

Jay,  it sounds like you need to re-evaluate his board and lodging.  And doing so,  and requesting a realistic amount for his keep,  won't make you a bad person.

I can understand having only 25% of his salary if he is saving towards a deposit to buy or rent, but if he can afford to spend £100 on a night out,  then clearly he isn't doing that.

It's unfair for him to expect you to keep him,  if he is earning enough to cover his share of the bills.

But no wonder he's still living with you, who wouldn't want a free ride,  or as near as,  if they can get it?  ;-)

LOL Dill...you are telling me what I already know. I have told him he is at least £100-150 adrift on what he pays, but he hasn't taken the news well at all and so far nothing has changed. The logistics of telling your child (even as an adult) to leave are just grim.

Pack his bags for him and stand them by the door.  Put your excess clothes coats etc in the wardrobe in that room. 

Redecorate the room he is using getting rid of the bed and changing it for a daybed/sofabed for 'visitors', or turn it into an office/sewingroom/hobbyroom/computer room/library???

Redecorate the room he is using getting rid of the bed and changing it for a daybed/sofabed for 'visitors', or turn it into an office/sewingroom/hobbyroom/computer room/library???

I have taken my younger son's room as my office (he has just graduated and will be working abroad for at least a year, but I am confident he will never move back home, bless him):-)

However at one point I did have a pleasant daydream about replacing his older brother's bed with a hydrotherapy pool for the dogs. Sadly neither the joists nor my wallet would take it, but I did smile at the thought of him coming home to find no bed but 4 dogs swimming around in his room :-)

However at one point I did have a pleasant daydream about replacing his older brother's bed with a hydrotherapy pool for the dogs. Sadly neither the joists nor my wallet would take it, but I did smile at the thought of him coming home to find no bed but 4 dogs swimming around in his room

Rofl  :-)

Love it :-)

On a more practical level, apart from Brainless' suggestion, or changing the locks while he's out,  perhaps make sure he only gets what he pays for?   So it should at least get his attention :-)

Work out how much everything costs,  write it up,  then work out his share of it.   If it's in black and white,  it's harder to ignore.
In addition,  psychology has proved that people are far more likely to believe something printed out than when they are told!   ;-)

Failing that,  how about putting prawns in the hems of his bedroom curtains,  or somewhere equally devious.     Once they start to stink,  he may decide he wants to live somewhere less smelly and leave voluntarily  :-D

Tnanks for all the replies. They have been very helpful. I think we have reached an agreement for the moment at least. He will give me the £40pw but also work for me helping out with my grooming business such as admin work and cleaning. Also helping out with housework.

When it comes down to it it is not just a question of money. Having them around the house will mean the dogs are not left alone if I am working. I will not need to pay a dog sitter to come and let them out on the days when I am unable to get back during the day.

I will also admit that as he is the youngest and the last to leave home I suffer from empty nest syndrome. I found it hard when he went back to Uni after each holiday, although I know I soon adjust and do like living on my own. If he moves out then it will likely be permanent. He wont be coming home. :(

Glad you've come to an arrangement. What about the g/f I'm taking it she won't be moving in then?

For what it's worth, I think that's an excellent outcome. If you can afford the difference, then being paid back at least partly in other than money is ideal in the circs, I would have thought.

you could always charge the GF rent - give her a tenancy / license agreement.  if she is claiming JSA she would qualify for HB and that can be paid directly to you. 

be careful with that Tish  if they were checked up on unless it could be really shown they weren't sharing a room and it didn't look like they were cohabiting that could lead to trouble. We went through this with my daughter and bf and we decided it wasn't  truthful and we wern't comfortable doing something that could be illegal, I am just not like that.  I couldn't make it look like they were living separately, it would have meant needing extra bedroom that had his things in etc. Not practical

  There is also the issue of being seen together when out the house, as a couple which could all be used as evidence against them. To risky in my book   . So they registered as a couple which meant they couldn't claim HB or JSA as they are both means tested benefits. IN the same way no matter how old your child if they life with you they cant claim HB

Also our council wont allow HB to be paid direct anymore which I believe is true of most of them now. Some ridiculous human rights case that was won prevented it.
In the end I know of many that do it and get away with it but I guess its up to the individual

Several years ago we had our youngest son and gf plus her son live here we sat and agreed monetary terms this was fine for couple weeks then I got from son gf cant pay all her rent this week (£30 pw for her and son) following week again same story third week the same story. as expected   all the  utility  bills  increased as gf was bathing often twice day she also fetched her mothers washing here to do (this I found out when I came home from work early one time ) By now we had had enough and explained that the situation could continue no longer   they applied to council for housing and were successful and moved into a flat 1 week later they have since married and thankfully we are all happy