My mother's health has been deteriorating for a while now and she is getting very frail. She told me me a few weeks ago that she wanted to go into a Home. Well we got turned down for funding so it was decided that she have homecare for a few weeks and then see if we could get her a place in extra care housing. Well social services being their usual selves handed it to star who promptly handed it straight back as they had no capability in my mothers area. It should then of been given to the fast responce team but someone forgot!. On friday I was assured it would go to fast responce on monday as they would be very busy over the weekend!. They are finally going into mother mornings, lunches and nightimes starting tonight. Rang mother to tell her only for her to tell me to cancel them till her blood test results come back!! I ended up getting really cross with her. Told her I had no intention of cancelling the care and she is being unreasonable!

I think it is sometimes harder for old people to accept care in their own home. It's their domain, their rules, yet suddenly somebody comes in and decides about this and that. I'm a carer for my mother in law who lives with us (we've converted two rooms into a granny flat so she has her own space) and she absolutely hates it when she gets too many visits from officials. She doesn't mind the nurse who only comes once in a blue moon, but when we've had weeks with all sorts of people appearing, such as fitting her for a new walking frame, getting new equipment to help her (she disabled) etc, she gets really annoyed.

Mother knows she needs help but she wants it on her terms. I work in homecare and I do understand how the elderly feel about things but my mother is in a league of her own lol

My mother's similar, except that she won't tolerate the very idea of a care home of any sort, and then gets tetchy with the people who come to help her maintain her independence in her own home.

At one point there was talk of getting funding for a place in residential untill a place became available in extra care but she said she would only move if it was permanent. But they would not give the funding for that either. She says she needs help but everytime you suggest something she says no! Between that and the self pity I could scream!!

I can understand and sympathise at how frustrated you feel, but, im sure your Mum is feeling worse.
I used to do domicillary care work. Its very hard for a person to admit they need help. They are of a generation where nobody admitted they couldnt cope...they just got on with it. Accepting help is almost like facing up to getting older and being incapable. We know thats not the case but on the receiving end it makes the elderly feel very upset. Coupled with the prospect of having strangers in your own home you get the gist of why your mum is having mixed feelings.
is she in desperate need of care 3 times a day or have you got time to play with to let her 'come round' to the idea and make it more that its on her terms?

She really does need the three visits. She is now very, very weak. Weeks of not eating and drinking have really taken it out of her. If she does not start eating soon I will be organising her funeral. Mother has always found it easier to find a reason to not do something rather battle on. The times she has said "I can't do it" far outweigh the times she might say she can do something lol. She also suffers from extreme vertigo/ataxia whick means that she cannot take a single step without holding on to something. I took her for lots of tests and basically they said that she needed to do some very basic exercises to help kickstart her balance  but as mother only wanted a pill to fix it rather than put in some effort her balance has gone completly now.

what about high calorie drinks - like fortisip to try to give her a boost? Not helpful if she refuses to drink but if she hasnt got the energy to eat much these should help.
You know the saying...'you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink'.....sounds like the situation you are in with your mother. At least you are doing all you can to help her. So many families leave the elderly to suffer as they find it too much like hard work and a burden to care for :-(

When my BIL was in the final stages of Huntingtons disease he had difficulty swallowing and not a large appetite. He was given (on prescription) high calorie drinks and yoghurts, so that a little bit went a long way. They are very sweet and creamy and perhaps might appeal to your mother?

Just a thought my Mom has difficulty swallowing due to issues and has to have her gullet widen/released every 3 months or so with camera and something into her throat however she find it easy to eat yogurts and desserts like supermarket single serving sort in the chillder sections then she can eat what she wants and keeps her energy up with the sugar panna cota etc.
She also like big soups which we blend to be smoother. (no lumps)

Thank you everyone for your replies. My mother had a fall at home today and was taken to hospital, after initially doing ok she suffered a massive stroke and is not expected to recover. I have been at her side until a few minutes ago as she is stable and sleeping at the moment. I am going to have a quick shower and a change of clothes then it's back to the hospital.

Oh Lorraine I am so sorry to hear this :-(

Take care of yourself x

Thinking of you, remember to look after yourself too

I'm so sorry, what a dreadful shock. Thoughts are with you.

So so sorry to hear this.
Strokes are so cruel. The best thing is your dear Mum is comfortable and stable.
xxx

I am so sorry and feel for you . Have just been through my mothers terminal illness with her until she passed in September. It is a hard time and somehow you get through. I hope they are able to keep her comfortable both emotional and physically. My mums final days were in a hospice who looked after her so well relieving so much discomfort and distress

Very sorry to hear she's taken a turn for the worse x

Gosh sorry to hear about your mum but she is in the best place for her now for sure.  Remember to take care ofyourself during all of this too.

All the best
Emma

Thank you everyone. She had a c t scan yesterday which confirmed our worst fears. The damage is extensive coupled with the deterioration of her lungs and heart we (the doctors and myself) have stopped all the iv's and antibiotics. We are now just keeping her warm, clean and comfortable. Sedatives and pain relief will be given if she needs it but at the moment she is not in any distress or pain.

Just to make things worse one of my dogs made a bid for freedom on thursday evening and was promptly hit by a car. She spent the night and yesterday at the vets. She is very sore and feeling very sorry for herself but apart from bruising is ok. It never rains does it lol

I'm so sorry. Wishing her a gentle passing.

Thank you, that's what I am praying for.

Very sad news for you x

Am so sorry xxx
I hope your mum is out of pain and has a painfree passing
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Lea

Would it be possible for her to go a hospice when the time is right there is no question they know how to deal
with these things in the most painfree and peaceful way
x

What a worry for you and then your poor dog on top of everything. I hope that your mum is kept comfortable and your dog will be ok. Thinking of you.

Thinking of you Lorraine and wishing you the strength to cope, and a gentle, peaceful journey for your mum.

So sad, I too hope that her passing is a gentle one.
Thinking of you and your family xx

So very sorry to read the latest on your mother, stay strong & remember to take care of yourself as well. Wishing you & your family all the very best, Lacy

Sending my strength to help you cope.  {{{{  HUGS  }}}}

My heart goes out to you. 

So sorry, what rotten luck. I'm glad your mum is comfortable and hope you dog feels better soon.
Mel

My mother passed away peacefully at 3.34am this morning.

Thank you for all your kind messages.

My sympathies to you.

My sympathies to you and your family.

I'm so sorry :( I hope that your sadness is helped a little by knowing that she is now at peace.

So sorry Lorraine x

So sorry, but I hope that you can take some comfort knowing that she didn't linger as some do.  Be strong.

My condolences to you and your family.  

Wishing you the comfort and strength of loved ones around you.

Very sorry Lorraine, take care.

My thoughts are with you at this sad time.
May she now rest in peace
xx

sending hugs for you and your family, a very hard time. May Mum now be at peace

Sorry to hear your news. My thoughts are with you

Thank you everyone for your lovely kind words.
My sons and I have been busy trying to sort mothers house out. We found all sorts of things that made us smile including replies to letters she wrote to members of parliament on installing cctv in slaughterhouses, the treatment of battery hens, poultry farming in general, puppy farming, illegal immigrants, the excessive use of whips by jockeys and the deportation of foreign criminals!! She was an avid supporter of horse and donkey sanctuaries and regularly sent donations and bought goods from them. The hospital did not sign the death certificate until lunchtime today and the registry office would not let me make an appointment to register her death until I had the death certificate! I cannot begin to arrange the funeral until I have the green form from the registrar. I have arranged for a local charity to come to collect any furniture that they may have use for (they provide furniture for people in desperate need) and I know mother would have approved of that. I am on auto pilot at the moment. xx

So sorry to read your news, my condolences to you & the family. Your mother sounds like she was an amazing character. Best wishes.

So sorry you lost your Mum but am glad you have found some comfort sorting her things.  She sounds a lot like my Granny who also wrote many letters regarding animal welfare, often to the Prime Minister and the Pope. She sounds like a special lady who will be fondly remembered for many years to come.
Mel x