How is it that no matter how many dogs you have or have had there is always that ONE special dog who breaks your heart more than all the others. I have had many many dogs throughout my 58 years. All of them much loved and cared for. Each one has caused heartbreak at the end, tears and sadness. But some, just a few cause so much sadness at their loss it is unbearable. Kia was my 1st heart dog, he gave me his soul. A GSD who was MY dog, he loved me without question, and I him. He was stroppy, lorded it over the others and suffered ill health, but when I lost him I mourned for months. The mere mention of his name had me in tears. I swore never to become so attached again to a dog. I could not stand the pain. Then many years and many dogs later Merlot came into my life, born into my hands I swear she took one sniff of me and she jumped right into my heart. Never the easiest of dog she had her moments, cantankerous, stubborn, snooty and oh so MINE. She lived her life for me, she never backed of anything that life threw at her, she would do anything, go anywhere as long as I was by her side. The bond was made, the times we helped out at various shows of the BMD club where she was ever my shadow as we cleared rings or swept floors, she traveled the country with me sleeping quite happily in hotel rooms, taking it all in, ever interested in the world around her, turning her hand to what ever I asked of her.
Like Kia she was treated just like all the other wonderful dogs it has been my joy to own, but like him for no obvious reasons she stole the very center of my heart and took it with her when she died. I feel sure the two of them are together now, both holding the broken pieces of my heart.
I have loved them all, Pepsi, Treacle, Jodie, Sheena, Jet, Tara, Tzar, Zip, Storm, Blitz, Chico, Amber, Coral, Kayleigh, Sam, JJ, Tara 2. They are all so very precious and will never be forgotten.
What makes these "Special" dogs so special? Why can we live and love many different dogs but be so hurt by the "Special" ones? What do they do to make themselves so "Special"
I am struggling to cope with Merlots loss. I know I am not alone and every dog lost is so sad. I could never say one was treated any differently to another but the "Special" ones just seem to get a hold on you and never let go.
To all of you who have lost a dog and felt the pain, my heart (Whats left of it) goes out to you, and for those who have been fortunate enough to have been loved by a "Special" dog I do not wish that oh! so painful loss  on you, but they are just that "Special" and the price we pay for their love is the devastating pain of their loss.
Sorry I needed to have a little "wallowing in self pity" time. Thanks CDers for understanding me when others don't.
Aileen

Wallow away!
My heart dog died 2 years ago now and my sadness is just under the surface waiting to burst out again.
I've no idea what makes one get under your skin quite so much but one or two can and remarkably quickly too.

We understand and share your feelings..rest assured.

Completely understand and my heart goes out to you.
Growing up we had a cat, smartie, who was the most amazing little thing you could wish to meet. My parents took him and his sister on at 4 weeks old as their mum was killed. It created a special bond. The legendary story is that smartie had been constipated so my dad was keeping a special eye on him as he went. The reason for his constipation was clear....as he proceeded to poo out a rat...came out completely whole from nose to tail!
The circumstances we lost him in were particularly tragic as it was partly due to a vets negligance.
Even jow, 12+ years later I can still shed a tear over him. He was such a special cat that could never be replaced. Ive never met a cat thag came close to how amazing our boy was so I agree, there are always "special" animals.
Xxx

I'm only on my fifth dog, but have been lucky enough to have had two "specials ", mother and son, when I lost Celli at just 6, I vowed I'd never let myself get so attached again, I was an utter mess when she died. The one thing that got me through, was her son, Spud, with his mum gone, he stepped up and snuck into the yawning hole she'd left.

I have no idea what it is about the special ones, as in all honesty, my best behaved dog was my first one, Louie, much as I loved him and cried buckets when he went, it was Celli and Spud that caught my soul.
Much as it hurts when they go, I can only hope to have that connection again one day.

Oh my word, a whole rat!!! Doesn't bear thinking about.

I agree about special dogs, the one that steals your heart. I have had six dogs during my lifespan and they have all been much loved and adored, but there is always one. My last dog, Jodi, was that dog. She joined us at the age of 8 weeks and proceeded to wriggle her way into my heart. We had a year old GR already, but for some reason I didn't form that close a bond with her and over the years she became my husbands dog, but Jodi was all mine. She was not a good example of a GR, being on the small side, disliked other dogs to the extent of starting arguments, did not like strangers at all and would barely tolerate visitors to the house, generally a difficult dog all round, but something about her held me. She had one or two health scares which reduced me to tears at the thought she might leave me, if it wasn't that I would be worrying about her attitude to people and dogs. On the good side, she was as bright as a button, easy to train and appeared to worship the ground that I walked on. She died this January and I can only describe it as during her last few days she "left" me so that the dreaded decision was made easier, almost as if she gave me permission to let her go. I feel she is with me now as I type this.

We now have Isla, another GR, what else! She is fast becoming another heart stealer, made more so as there is a fairly good chance she will be our last dog.
Good and fond memories to all my girls and boys, Laddie, Sunny, Cally, Tora and particularly Jodi.

The good thing about this forum is that people do understand and no one would say " it's just a dog"
So sorry for your loss.

I lost my first ever dog when she was 6 years 9 months from a disease that rears it's head in our breed, I was devastated, I felt cheated of all the time we should have had together and as I nursed her in her final days I forgot that others in our family mourned her loss, my husband who handled her in the ring and my daughter who partnered her in Junior Handling. I remember someone at a show thoughtlessly commenting that it was not as bad as we had not had her long.We had two litters from her, I kept a daughter and she has showed signs of the same illness from a year old, we are lucky enough to celebrate her 11th birthday on Friday.  

We have a 14 yr 4 month old lad who has dementia which is controlled by medication and I know that every day I have with him is special and I know that he will not go on forever but I cannot contemplate life without him.

They are all so special and we are lucky to share our lives with them.

Sat here with tears rolling - I lost my heart dog Koda at 7.15am yesterday - too heartbroken to post on RB atm but he came into my life 9 years ago - a tiny ball of black fluff that grew up with us as a family and changed my life forever - run free at the bridge dear Kodie xxx

I know what you mean.  What does make these dogs so 'special'?  I've owned dogs for 39 yrs.  My first dog.  My first dog that I bought with my own money, you would think she would be my heart dog, but no.  That title belongs to the second dog I owned.  For no reason.  He wasn't as loyal as the first, he made me work for his affections, he wasn't very obedient or social like the first.  No reason.  But my heart broke when he died and not one dog since has made me feel the same way....till now.
I have owned a little pup for 2 weeks and 1 day and he already 'feels' like a heart dog.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE all my dogs but this little man is something special.  Dunno why or how?  He's not going to do big things or anything but we just 'connect'?
Awww, we posted at the same time.  So sorry to hear about your Koda Run free  x

So sorry Kasshyk, you're with like minded souls here who understand.

So sorry to all of you with the pain of loss at the moment. I too have tears streaming down my face as I write.

I adore GSDs although I have had virtually every flavour of dog in my almost  80 years, just over 2 years ago I lost my 'heart' GSD and I still miss her so much still. Because of my age I will never have another GSD because they are so much a one person dog it would be unfair to have her outlive me. My other dogs are happy to be with who ever feeds them, so this doesn't matter quite so much as they will be happy with my daughter.
So my very special GSD was also my last GSD in this lifetime. I get tearful just seeing another GSD that has a similar appearance to her and have been tempted to get another, but I have resisted as she was so special she deserves to be my last.
I know I will see her and all of my lost buddies again in the not too distant future, so that gives me something to look forward to ( depressing moment )

How this broke my heart. I lost 2 heart dogs (both GSD's) so close together this year and I don't think I can ever be the same person again. They are each holding half of my broken heart and I will only get it back when we are reunited. I too find myself wallowing in self pity with worrying frequency, just looking out over the empty garden....I see the after images of them there and the sense of loss washes out everything. The rush of loss out of the blue, at a sudden thought or something I see, the intensity is so extreme, but so was my love for them and them for me.  I don't want that to diminish the love I have had for all my dogs, or those yet to come, they have all been special...but there was a uniqueness and a completeness to our relationship that I don't think will ever come again.  I understand completely when you say you are struggling to cope, I feel just the same way. I don't want to feel like I do, and yet part of me doesn't want to stop feeling either, I am frightened to 'let them go'. You are not alone.  

Reading this has brought tears to my eyes. I loved and lost my beautiful heart dog GSD Harley in 2006 when he died of a bowel tumour at the young age of 5. My heart broke the day we lost him. We have our other GSD who is 11 now and who I love dearly, but Harley was my "special" boy. X

I too have a Harley who is a heart dog. He has seen me through some bad times and some good times and I can't even bear to think about him not being around. He was the first dog I had from puppyhood - all our others have been older rescues and he was also a rescue but just 9 weeks old. Earlier in the year he had a tumour removed from over his hip and then had complications so took a long, long time to heal and is only now really back to being fighting fit.

He introduced me to agility just four days after I lost my husband - I wasn't going to go to the introductory course due to my very recent loss but my daughter persuaded me to go as we had been on the waiting list for so long. I went and really enjoyed it and now compete and am training a second dog as well. He is the perfect balance of full on when you need him to be and can also be chilled out with a brilliant off switch. He isn't demanding but loves my company and I his. He has a sense of humour - when training I swear he can count the number of obstacles he has done- after a set number he thinks his job is done for the evening  and then acts the clown. I leave him set up at the first jump, walk 4 jumps away, turn round to release him and find he has turned his bum to the jump and is grinning back at me over his shoulder.I walk back and set him up again and know from the laughing that he is doing something else - either turned sideways this time or sometimes he has walked backwards until his bum is up against the wall and he is looking up in the air and not at me.

Absolutely, my heart dog Henry died more than 3 years ago and it doesn't take much to bring the tears to my eyes. I love all my current dogs, particularly Ellie is very special, but he was something else. :-(

This thread makes me cry and smile.

I have had many dogs in my life that I have loved but it took me 35 years to find my "heart" dog and ironically, he passed from heart problems. I lost him in May this year but it still feels like it was yesterday. The pain is still so raw it physically stings. I often dream about him and when I wake up, for just a few minutes in my hazy head, he is still here. I can hear him, smell him and almost feel him.

I think that like people, we either click with an animal or we don't quite. Like all of you who have posted on this thread, from day 1, I was his and he was mine. He was 4 months old and was the last of the litter to go, 2 people before me had pulled out of taking him because of work and family reasons. Well, their loss was definitely my gain and we had the best 10 1/2 years ever!

I have kept his ashes and they will go in with me when my time comes. We used to have a song that I would sing to him by Jack Johnson called "better when we're together" this song came on the radio on the day that we had to say goodbye which is unusual as the song is several years old and not usually played on the radio. I still cannot listen to this without collapsing in floods of tears...I hope that one day, I can listen to it and smile while reliving all of our precious memories.

[Over the years I have had several dogs of different breeds and now I have two boys brothers in fact and I love them dearly but one of them is my first heart dog and I dread his passing. I know part of me will die aswell, I even cry now at the thought of any thing happening to him. My husband says he has never seen a dog so devoted to someone I know he would die to protect me as I would him if it came to it. He is so tuned into me I have to be careful about showing my feelings about someone as he picks up on it.  I have no one who I could tell how I  feel about him, that would understand, no matter how hard I  tried to explain it, but least I know people on here do. I cried reading the other posts knowing that one day I am going feel that terrible pain and loss and my heart goes out to you all.

I lost my heart dog on 30th December 2012.  I had to give her peace the day before New Year's Eve.  It meant that even our vet surgery was closing half day (it was a Sunday.)  The private cremation folk were having a day off on the Monday.  It meant that cremation was delayed, and I didn't get her back until the Friday.

I had always buried my dogs at home until this dog.  I could never have dug my clay out for her, so went for cremation.  When I collected her ashes I could hardly breathe.  I looked at her casket and it suddenly became real.  I wouldn't see my precious Myfanwy again.  I sat in the car park sobbing my heart out with her on my lap.  When I went back to work a friend told me that it wasn't healthy for me have her in my bedroom.  She obviously didn't understand.

She was my first Bearded Collie, I only knew Border Collies until Myfanwy.  I adored her, and she me.  It was the best bond ever, and I miss it so much.  I have so many fond memories, and they always bring a tear to my eye.

Ahh - that'll teach me to log onto CD whilst at work - sat at my desk in tears!

I'm so glad someone started this thread as I know I have a heart dog - but I always feel like I'm cheating on my other dogs if I admit to it. I love dearly my first who will be 11 on Sunday - loyal, clever, would defend us with her life - our second died in August and there will never be another like him, the pain I feel from his passing is still very raw and has made me question so much - but worse still is the knowledge that he wasnt my heart dog - so how awful will it be when my heart dog goes? I feel so disloyal to him that he wasnt my heart dog.

My heart dog was our 3rd dog - when we got her at 8 weeks I was off work with a bad back, so we spent every day together for 3 months and just clicked. She loves going for her walks - but if I'm in the house she wont leave without me.

We drifted away a bit when she had her litter, she became very withdrawn which we thought was due to jealousy (as we kept a daughter from her who is without doubt heart dog number 2) but as soon as our boy died in August she has returned to her former self.

Her daughter has wormed her way in - she couldnt be anything but heart dog number 2 - she litterally feels like my real life 'Fur child'

I am going to have a tattoo in memory of my Indy and China, and a little of their ashes will be incorporated in the ink, so they will literally be part of me til the day I die. I know some people may find that really weird, but it is going to mean so much to me.

Am I unusual to have my oldies as my heart dogs?? I had Fern only for a few years at a busy part of my life, I regret her for various reasons. Gemma I got as a pup a few months after Fern, and I had to have her PTS nearly 6 years ago of cancer, she went through thick and thin with me and was PTS nearly a year to the day before I met my partner . I now have Beano who I know I have to make the decision soon, and I have had him for 10 years and he is my old boy, my baby, that has been with me since Gemma. And then there is Ebba, my 9 yo Rottie with HD, been with me for 8 years since I had Gemma. Maybe it is a link to Gemma and Beano I am looking at but the older ones are definatly my heart dogs. Tara who I have had since November last year has not got to that stage....yet. I love her to pieces, but I think my heart dogs are the ones that I have had for years. xx

>I know some people may find that really weird, but it is going to mean so much to me.

Not weird.  We all have to do what we have to do.  So, in the same way that my work colleague thinks it's not healthy for me to have Myfanwy still, I know that you will understand why having her ashes in my bedroom helps me feel more close to her.  I find it comforting, in the way that you do about Indy and China's ashes.

It's why it helps so much to know that people on CD are the only ones to truly understand.

Definitely not weird, Jean. I have my last three dogs ashes in my bedroom, just cannot bring myself to scatter them or bury them somewhere.

I too am late to this thread and totally understand your feelings. I adored my first dal, Rosie - the first dog who was 'mine' rather than a family dog - and when I lost her suddenly and unexpectedly I grieved for a long time. In fact it was five years before I could bear to consider another dog. But after my husband got a labrador I was ready to get another dal, and so the steady stream developed; all dearly loved and mourned in their time. Then came Harry, and from the outset he was 'special', the dog of my heart - Rosie's great-great-grandson. Just looking at him made me smile. He was so happy, he thought everything about Life was fun and wanted to share that feeling with everyone. So when he had his catastrophic accident and I realised he was doomed, my heart shattered. That was four years ago in November, and I still well up when I think of him. Just what singled him out from the others I will never know.

I've been reading this thread with tears, as it's twenty-five years ago this year that my Heart Dog died, and there's not a day goes by still that I don't think of her and even talk to her.  Jet was a black Labrador, and much as I love Labs, I could never have another after her.  I remember the first day, when at 8 weeks old she tumbled out of her straw nest and came straight to me. She came with me through happy times and some dark, hard paths and became more than a friend, she was almost a part of me and I was devastated when she went one month before her fourteenth birthday.  She is buried in my garden, and I hope she will be removed to lie with me when it's my turn to go.

It was nine years before I could have another dog, and the Cocker who came to me then from rescue became gradually very nearly as special as my sweet girl.  His ashes, and those of my late Mum's last dog (a Cavalier who thought she was mine), are in my bedside cabinet ready to go with me and my Jet.  I'm so glad that I'm not the only one.

I now have another two lovely Cockers, but so far there sadly isn't the same bond although I hope for something good to develop.

> Just looking at him made me smile. He was so happy, he thought everything about Life was fun and wanted to share that feeling with everyone.

That describes my heart dog exactly. :) I unexpectedly lost Hamish last year and was totally devastated. He was a clown and made me laugh every day. From day 1 he was that little bit extra special, and the other dogs, before and after him, never quite matched up. I still see little snippets of my darling boy in his great nephew and niece that I have now.

I have Rufus' ashes in a special box that is in my bedroom and I kept some of his hair. I speak to him even if it's just to say, good morning Rooty or good night. I loved that boy to bits and the hurting is still very raw.

Ann

I wanted to reply to this thread when it was first made, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

I lost my special boy 6 weeks ago. He was only 4. We were in the middle of organising a specialist as his heart had stopped in the vets a few weeks prior to him passing but they'd managed to revive him. It was so quick when he left and happened at home, all within a minute. I tried to revive him and even though I got a few breaths out of him it was futile.

Every morning I wake and those beautiful wide eyes staring up from his head laying on my chest with his helicopter tail are gone. The house feels so empty and I struggle to want to come home each day. He meant the world to me. I only had to look at him and he'd make me smile and feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I don't get very close to people and he's love was all I ever needed to get me through each day.

As the weeks go on it feels like it is getting harder, not easier. There is such a huge gap he has left in my life.

The grass is growing back in the garden - he's runway strip where he would play retrieve at any given opportunity. I can't bring myself to go out there anymore. I can't pick up his bed or bowl, I even replace his sterilised bone on my bed when made each time. I found it there the evening I went to bed on the day I lost him. He had been lying on my bed waiting for me to come home.

I rescued him at 6 months old and fell in love with him at the first viewing. It feels so unfair he was only with me for 3 and half years. He was so full of love and joy and I miss him so very much :(

So sorry Dribble. You are going through such a sad time .

> I don't get very close to people and he's love was all I ever needed to get me through each day.

I have total empathy here.  So very sorry for your loss.  {{{{  HUGS  }}}}

Such a sad post Dribble, I'm so sorry. Once they worm their way into your heart, you're lost forever.

People that do not like or own dogs avoid all the heartbreak, but they miss out on so much love and laughter. So sad Dribble but we on here all know exactly how you are feeling. Big hugs and a shoulder to cry on offered here.

Dribble your post has me streaming with tears. Having lost both my heart dogs this year I am still struggling with it, and some of the things you said resonate so much with me. I too have stood in the garden and looked with such sadness at the grass grown back where their 'racetrack' to the chickens used to be. I spent so many years trying to repair it each year, but I would give anything to have a muddy track there now.  I don't feel the joy at being in the garden that I always felt any more, and it was always the place I loved best. I hope that by next year I will feel better about it...but I understand exactly, exactly how you feel.

That was such a young age to lose him, and so suddenly. I lost one of mine very suddenly and the other within a matter of days of becoming ill, and I think a traumatic loss makes it so much harder to come to terms with. It is nearly 6 months since I lost my boy and just over 3 since I lost my girl.  I have now adopted an older GSD rescue girl, and she has literally saved my life, because I was on the edge of an abyss when I lost my girl so soon after my boy and was left with nothing within 10 weeks. What helped I think, was that she had lost everything too, and her need for help helped me. I still miss my two so very much and still cry for them and I really don't think I will ever be quite the same person again. But now I have to care for this older girl who needs me and I have a purpose, I go for walks again. She can never replace them, and she is so very different, but since I got her I feel a little more balanced and able to deal with the grief, and there is no doubt I am still grieving.

My heart was breaking reading your post, such pain of loss I know how deep it runs. I understand about the bone too. I still sleep with one of my boy's old soft toys (unwashed). Do whatever you need to help you through, and whatever brings you comfort at such a devastating time.  He sounds beautiful.

Thank you for your kind words. They are all such sad posts in here regarding our own special dogs that stole our hearts.

ChinaBlue, thank you for your post, and I'm so sorry to hear you lost 2 precious babies in such a short space of time. Like you I don't think I'll ever be the same person again. I think you are right when you say a short traumatic ending seems to make it so much harder to deal with. I just hope there comes a day when I can look at his photos without crying, or wake up, sit in my room and not shed a tear. Your new girl sounds so very lucky to have found you.

I'm not sure you can put a time limit on when you feel better, it would be easier if you could suddenly wake up and carry on as normal. Now it's over 6 months since our oldest GSD died at the vets and I still feel moved to tears. I say 'our' dog but she was totally my OH's. If he DARED to leave her at home instead of taking her to work 6 days a week she would really sulk and move from bed to bed sighing deeply. I think she thought as I fed and walked her on those occasions she would tolerate me but only cheered up when Dad came home, hence my confusion on why I've been SO affected by her death. I've got other dogs but she had something about her. One consolation is she passed on her superb temperament to her kids but it'll never be the same here and most non doggy people, plus the vets, just dont realise how deeply you can grieve for a dog.

When my first GR died in 1997 at the age of ten and a half, I got up the next day very early having not slept very much. It was a glorious summer day and I sat in my quiet dogless house and wrote a short piece on how I felt about her and the sadness that she had now gone. I keep that sheet of paper with things like photographs and her dog tag. Occasionally I will come across it and read it and without fail I am reduced to tears all these years later.