Obviously I don't want to put a lot of detail on here but  the spouse of a close relative has been stealing from me. Not huge amounts but it certainly adds up to several hundred pounds. Now I know for certain what is going on I can prevent it happening again. But do I tell my relative? Relative has had a tough time recently. I don't know if this information would come as a surprise or not. Don't want to cause any more upset to relative but spouse has been working for me. If I sack spouse it would likely cause financial hardship for relative plus they would obviously want to know why. But I really don't want spouse coming anywhere near me or my business again.

Sorry to ask such a difficult question but I really don't know what to do and who can give me advice.

But I really don't want spouse coming anywhere near me or my business again.

Then of course you need to explain why, secrets like this and covering for people causes deep seated resentment and leads on to other problems, and the person being dishonest just carries on and on....... taking from someone who offers a job and trust is terrible, best to be all out in the open with your relative, tell them in a nice calm way and explain you can't have people you don't trust working for you.

If the person losing a job working for you causes hardship to your relative then I'm really sorry but it is not your fault or your problem to fix, the fault only lies with the person stealing from you, don't beat yourself up,  a nice favour has turned out not to be so nice for you and it often happens with friends and relatives who take advantage of a person with a heart,  look after yourself and don't carry other people's problems on your shoulders......  no good ever comes of it I'm afraid.

Your relative should know what has been going on........

I too think you should not cover for this person and I would want to know if somebody close to me was behaving in that manner and would be quite upset if I found out that somebody close to me knew but did not tell me...
I can not see anything positive coming out of hiding the situation from your relative.

sorry but I am with the others. I think you need to speak to your relative and explain what you know and why you must terminate this persons employment.If you did not know this persons spouse and it was just a stranger you had employed you would not hesitate in the same way even if you knew it meant hardship to the family
Such an awful situtaion to find yourself dealing with

If this was someone not related to you, what would you do?    Would you call the police?    Would you terminate employment?

Do you have proof?

You are in an awful position, but this is not of your making.    Hiding the facts from your relative won't be doing them any favours in the long run.    Nor will it help the person who has stolen from you.   Them being caught now could well avert a worse theft with very serious consequences later.

I'm with those who believe you should be straight with your relative, it's the least they deserve.   

> Do you have proof?

this is why I was trying to get anti theft powder so I could see if things were touched. I haven't found any in the uk and I really want to get this resolved  asap so yesterday i set something up so I could see if certain things were tampered with and a set amount of money was left. The person concerned was supposed to be the only person who had access all day. More disappeared yesterday so I was certain.

Unfortunately I have now found out another person also had access too. This second person I would trust with my life and I cannot see them being responsible. However it has now sowed a seed of doubt which is in itself awful. I really cannot see that the second person would have taken the money, but it means i am not 100% certain any more. I will speak to second person this morning and see if I can find out what they were doing which may put my mind at rest.

I want to confront spouse and see what they say but am also reluctant due to age size and health differences. if spouse were not happy I would come off worst in a fight. I do not have enough proof for the police and don't know if I would involve them if I did.

I have been awake most of the night going over things. I am so unhappy about this. Something has to be done for my own sanity.

Hmm you need advice from professionals and to see what legally you can do.
What I am thinking of is CCTV (with remote access).
Get it installed when people aren't on the premises so only you know where the camera's are
installed.

We had to have this once where we worked as we had a safe and our offices were tampered with.
I think we signed a disclaimer to say that we were ok with this (and all of us in that office were fine).
Also somewhere else I worked the Boss could remotely access camera's and watch their company's premises and had camera's
in the workshop/store room/office and retail part. They too had been burgled in the past.

Honest people have nothing to worry about.

Thanks for your suggestions. The premises concerned is actually my own home. Only 2 people have access on a regular basis when I am not there. I am not particularly worried about the legal side of it.  I am more concerned with proving it to my satisfaction. and then what to do about my relative.
I no longer feel safe and feel disgusted that this person has obviously been through my things when in a position of trust. I have asked another person to come round and be with me I will speak to the spouse tonight.

What about reporting to the police so they can come and talk to all members of staff and take it from there .....

Someone I know was losing money and jewellery so had tiny CCTV cameras installed and used some sort of pen to mark money. Within a short time there was enough proof to get the police involved.

As other have said their financial hardship is not of your making and related or not this should not be happening. Get rid. ASAP.

My friend had to set up CCTV in her charity shop as someone was dipping the till, it didn't cost that much and gave her concrete proof as to who was stealing. Being in a shop, there were certain requirements she had to adhere to, but as this is your private home, I don't imagine those would apply.

In your position I wouldn't speak to the spouse until I had proof.    Once things have been said they cannot be unsaid and there could be bad feeling for a very long time.

I would go down the tiny CCTV camera route - even if just for your own protection and satisfaction.   That way you will know for sure who is doing this and can avoid any unnecessary confrontation.     Tiny cameras can be easily bought and set up.

I know you just want this to end as quickly as possible, but being absolutely certain would be the best for you and your business.

Would get something like the 'nanny' cams or other small CCTV camera's that
they have in the case of when vulnerable OAP's when there is suspicion of theft or mistreatment
of the person being looked after.

General reply

Do you want to stop the thefts?  Or do you want to find the culprit and have evidence to dismiss them or take it further or whatever.

If you just want to stop the thefts and keep the peace I would set up a similar trap to the one you did yesterday (presumably money being out and accessible) but leave a note concealed in it just saying something along the lines of I know what you are doing and have installed cctv.

I would still look at the cctv as an extra security measure but just the fact that you know and are on to them may be enough to stop any more thefts.

Also, having had a friend who's ex ran up a lot of debt which she did not know about I would want to know but I would be asking for indisputable evidence.  The spouse may have some sort of reason (none good enough but something) for what they are doing - mental health issues, debts ....

Before speaking to the spouse or confronting the culprit I would definitely get proof. Once your claims are out in the open I doubt it will happen again but if you can hang fire a bit and gather some evidence it will be much easier. It will also lead to less arguments within the family if your relative sees for themselves what has been going on.

Ive had a similar problem with an  in law,but only the once,because i bought a locking cashbox,kept the key elswhere,and tried not to be scatty,leaving money about,but its a horrible position to be in,i have to "manage"the situation,because I dont want to cause problems,or bad feeling with my relative.I sympathise,and hope you can resolve this.

Oh PLEASE have someone with you as a witness and PLEASE do have the police involved there is no way  you should be feeling unsafe!

Karen

I originally posted this response to the wrong thread.  Sorry for being such an idiot.

I would be very careful accusing someone of theft if you don't have proof.  The fact is very often the person doing the stealing is the one you would least suspect.

If you are satisfied you have the right person, the fact that they are related has no bearing on the situation.  You run a business.  Handle this incident like a business person.  If your relative wants to know why you fired their spouse just tell them it was a confidential business decision and they will need to discuss the matter with their spouse if they want any additional information.  There may be legal consequences to telling your relative too much.

An update, Myself and another person confronted this person on Tuesday. There was no-one else who could have taken the money. After trying to deny it the person did  admit the thefts. Claimed the money had been taken to pay bills.

I decided i would have to tell my relative what had been going on and why I had sacked spouse. It did not come as a surprise. Relative had been concerned about the sudden appearance of money, but had been lied to about where it had come from. Apparently spouse has also stolen money from both parents and other relatives in the past.

Money had not been spent on bills but most likely on beer and betting. Relative now has huge debts which have been run up by spouse. Relative decided this was the final straw and asked spouse to leave. I have spoken to the police and they will be taking a statement and seeing if charges can be brought. An awful incident but thankfully things seem to be getting sorted out. And I now have a safe and all money is put in that.

Sad, but probably the impetus your relative needed to make the break.

Gosh, a sad story but not unfamiliar and hopefully it will help your relative in proving these debts were not theirs particularly with the police being involved. 

Well done you for confronting the person and for having the courage to speak up to your relative

How sad for your relative :-(    and sad that they have been living with this for some time.

Looks like you did the right thing for your relative too.

They may not be liable for all spouses debts, info available on these websites (and others)

http://www.cleardebt.co.uk/blog/marriage-divorce-and-debts_21252

http://help.cleardebts.co.uk/partners_debts.html

Hope something good will come of this for your relative.

I'm sure your relative was upset but relieved to know what was going on, after being married to a compulsive gambler it is such a difficult situation to 'feel' somethings wrong again but have no proof.  Yes we do give them far too many chances because they excel at emotional manipulation so to have proof positive after yrs of this sort of behaviour and the strength to put an end to is really is a relief ----------- was for me.

Things will get better after the hard part of relative too you did the right thing.