I'm just wondering how you are all doing now? I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to discuss starting medication, i've held off as long as i possibly could (which was maybe stupid in itself) but since my mam suddenly passed away last year i am just suffering more and more. I am going to bereaement counselling now but that's going to be a long, long road so i think something would help in the short-medium term, although really i've left it to long keeping thinking 'i'll be fine tomorrow'. Thank GOD for my dogs.

I seem to be on an even keel at the moment, think puppy helps and I've started a job (one day a week, mum dogsits / collects the kids from school lol, it's nearly like a day off!!),   ... do need to make that doctors appt tho for blood tests - would someone would be so kind to remind me what I need to ask for again?

Sorry to hear you are finding it tough Inka, my friend has said he found bereavment counselling a help even though he didn't start (or think he needed) for two years after his wife died (we were all mid-30's) and as much as I hate to admit it, the tablets I was on really did help me.  Thinking of you x

Thanks Ruby, my puppy is a huge help too. Even the planning and waiting and hoping for him was a great help. It's been 1.5 yrs since my mam passed away so i probably should have started a long time ago, but it's still not something i can accept as having really happened. I hope tablets help because i'm missing lots of work, just to sit and home and be upset, and generally feeling like a failure because of it all. can't go on like this. Glad to hear you're on an even keel though :)

oh,bless,i really felt for you when i read"thank god for my dogs!"how i echo that! I am actually great,my lovely chinese doctor put me on fluoxetine(prozac) about 6 weeks ago,and i have to admit,it works for me!Ive given up trying to find any deficiencies,since this works so well. Would it be worth you asking for it?The difference in me is amazing,and im so grateful.No one should suffer depressionif it can be helped.I wish you well!

Counselling is a good thing to go for Inka. I found that with talking therapy alongside medication really worked. There is absolutely no shame in taking it - i dont know why people try and hang off taking it like its a bad thing. Most people dont think twice about taking a paracetamol for a headache so why feel embarassed about taking anti depressants for depression? Good luck with your recovery. Once you've hit the bottom you know the only way is up :-)

I'm with you all the way, I've been on and off them for 10 - 15 years since my dad died (he was only in his early 50s) I don't think I will ever be able to get off them.  Try to get yourself out to be with other people so you can just at least talk to others not about this but anything and everything your home can feel such a prison after a while.  We've just got a puppy and it does help she makes me smile, laugh and even though I have a wonderful husband when I cuddle that puppy there is NOTHING like it, there's just something I can't explain.  My biggest thing now is I need to take her to a training class and I'm soooo nervous, I'm due to go around the 12 nov when it next starts and I WILL do it, I've chickened out once and with the help of CD I feel I'm doing ok with her.  When you go to drs if he gives you tablets don't worry if they make you feel rotten first, either half the dose for a few days then take proper dose just to let your body get use to them and they do take about 6 weeks to get full effect.  I will check back on here for update :)

Thanks so much everyone, your thoughts and advice mean a lot to me and i really empathise with those of you who know what its like, particularly with bereavement. Graciemay, my mam was only 58 and I was 24 at the time, that combined with how healthy she was (is? i can't even say was :() and the fact the doctors told us the cancer was completely treatable for a few months, well it's all just been a huge shock. I am surprised by how up and down i am, now it's a year and a half since and i feel worse than ever. maybeit's because the counselling is making me face up to it, as usually when i even have a thought about what has happened i block it out to the point that i feel like i'm living a fake reality. :( I'm going to the doctor tonight but have to see a different one to my usual as i can't get an appt with her for another week and i really feel it's too urgent to wait, not looking forward to having to tell someone new the whole story. Ironically my dad rang me last night saying he and my sisters were all worried about me and thought i was more depressed than i know, i was offended though when he said my sisters, who are on facebook with me, said they thought partially one of my worst symptoms was how much attention i give to my dogs, how many photos i take of them etc etc etc and put on facebook........ if that's a symptom, 3/4's of my facebook friends are depressed!! People just don't understand dogs do they?

Dogs are really the best councillors, aren't they? ;-)

I am up and down myself, really should make an appointment with the doc soon, but can't face her and tell her I've been lying to her. You know, the 'I'm fine, everythings going ok' lies.

My dad has stopped trying to push me into things, and has started talking to me about things he would never have spoken to me about before, so I think he is the one needing councelling, not me (my mum died nearly 30 years ago).

When I feel down I just take the dogs out for a walk. They really are the best friends anyone could have.

I'm now looking for a new job but there really isn't anything local so am having to look a bit further afield. I am also looking into starting up a business myself (along with daughter who is at college just now) but that will be in the spring/summer. At least it is something to look forward to.

Inka my dad has been dead 17 years and sometimes I still get soooooooo angry I end up crying, I can't help thinking I wish he was here to see what his grandchildren are doing cos eldest was about 10 she remembers him a bit my son does a little bit but my youngest not really and god that hurts.  He would have been so proud of them and I want to TELL him what they are doing and see his face when I do and this is 17 years down the line so don't worry one bit about how you feel now you are entitled to and it will feel like yesterday for a while yet plus all the things in life that crop up that you wanted to share with her so go with it, talk to people, take what you need to get you through it you deserve it and NEED it. 

How's things, haven't heard how your appointment went

Hello I am also wondering how you are getting on?

hi,thanks,I feel fine now,thanks,all the results of the tests were normal,and ive got to keep taking the fluoxetine and go back for a check after christmas.Im pathetically grateful to feel normal(ish!)again,and actually enjoy doing things instead of things being a chore.I even managed to do a heelwork to music routine in public,for a friends "do"a couple of weeks ago!If only all lifes problems could be solved as easily!I hope everyone else who suffers finds help,too.

just wondering how you are all getting on?

i too went on medication and then stupidly came off it by myself without doctor's orders, the side effects were awful and it means i've only been back on it for a few weeks now so the effects aren't working and i have felt terrible for weeks, and been off work for weeks. :(

Inka have you been back to the Doctor maybe a different type/brand would work better......I am so sorry you are still not feeling terrible. 

yes i have and i think the brand is fine, its just my fault for coming off them and setting myself back so many steps :( thanks for asking though.

Dont beat yourself up inka. I did exactly the same thing. Thought I was 'better' so came off them myself then sank even further into depression. Its great when you start feeling better, it means the tablets are working, but it doesnt mean you are cured and ready to do without them. I learnt the hard way that there is absolutely no rush. Now you are back on them the only way is up =)

Hi,Inka,Ive done the same,several times in fact.I used to ask the doc for a months course of antidepressants,which used to work-but Id soon be in the pits again.(this has been a problem for 30 years now).In the end the doc suggested I stay on them for 6 months,which I did,and Ive been on and off medication ever since.Ive now been on them for five months,and Im due back to see the doc for a review.This time Im not going to say Im fine now thanks,can I come off them.This time Im going to ask to stay on them.Life seems ok at the moment and I dont want to rock the boat.I really hope you feel better soon.No one,least of all,me,wants to have to rely on pills,to manage,but for me,its the lesser of two evils,just hope theres no major side effects lurking!But weighing things up,its worth the risk,I think.Good luck!

Its strange or I think so a lot of you when hit with depression seem to be able one way or another to do something ie walk the dogs do some cleaning.
I have suffered from depression for some years now and have been on some anti depressants for6+
Trouble is I find the way it affects me is that I am rooted to the spot. I can do very little even walking the dogs can be impossible. At best I seem to go in circles trying to do things but never getting things completed then feel worse
I have changed tablets had different amounts and come off them both with and woihout doctors agreement.
Tried being off for a bit a few months ago but that didnt work so here I am back again.
Yes a bit better but cant say I ever feel wonderful apart from odd instances.
I know or think I know my depression is caused by certain things in my life that are not in my control and even with councelling my ability to cope is not good.
I really wish a good walk with the dogsodgs helps but as much as I love them even that is hard to impossible
strabge how different this illness is.

Depression is such a huge umbrella of signs and smptoms and it shows itself in different ways to the individual. Do not feel bad that you are unable to walk your dog when you are at your worst. I went through manic phases where I would completely lose control and do completely stupid things that were so out of character. There was no way I would have been able to walk my dog at that stage.
I know people do not like taking tablets but I look at it as a helping hand. You wouldnt bat an eyelid to put a plaster cast on a broken arm so dont feel shame in taking medication for depression and mental illness
My mum has been on citalopram long term. The doctor is happy to keep prescrbing them as the benefits far outweigh anything else. My mum says they keep her 'on an even keel' and able to cope with everyday life which she cannot do everytime she comes off them.

>This time Im not going to say Im fine now thanks,can I come off them.This time Im going to ask to stay on them.

I thought I was clever enough to cut down by myself, and eventually give them up altogether.  Like you I had to admit defeat and ask to go back on them.  I still feel extremely "down" but am so much worse without the tablets.  So I continue with them.

I honestly think that it is, to a certain extent, genetic.  Some people are definitely more prone to depression than others.  I haven't posted on this subject all the way through this post.  But since reading it, I have felt a certain relief that I am not on my own with this!  I don't feel so much of a freak, realising that there are loads of us feeling the same way.

> I honestly think that it is, to a certain extent, genetic.

It is in many cases.
There are some who need to take antidepressants of one sort or another for a lifetime. I struggled for many years, firstly getting a doctor to really understand, and then a referral, and then to get the right medication that suited me. It took at least a decade or more. When younger, I still thought I could beat it on my own...  but getting proper help eventually, plus the sinking-in of the fact that both my parents had similar issues all their lives, helped me to come to terms with the fact that it was a genetic legacy.

In some ways it's like a couple of friends I have who have MS.... in most cases they have a parent who has it, but when younger they hope it has bypassed them.... and then they slowly get the symptoms, then the diagnosis, and eventually have no choice but to understand it, and accept they've been dealt a genetic poor hand.

> I honestly think that it is, to a certain extent, genetic.

It seems so :( My mother had very bad depression on and off from the time I was born (post-natal depression) until her death at 92. During this time she was on pills most of the time and had to have several sessions of ECT and several long stays in hospital. When I started researching my family history about 15 years ago, it became apparent that, on both sides of her family, there were many family members who had suffered from depression badly :( :( One thing that helped my mother enormously was walking and, until she broke her leg when she was 90, she walked several miles every day.

I agree Daisy  unfortunately there does seem to be familial traits and i dont think its nuture looking at both sides of my family because some family members who do or have suffered have had no link to the upbringing of others if that makes sense.
I see it a bit like cancer we know that there can be familial/genetic links there> i am sure as we learn more about gentics more things will be uncovered.
Trouble is treatment especially when it becomes serious and life threatening is still very much whistling in the wind not everyne responds to treatments currently available  

My social phobia is most likely the cause of my depression. As I have grown older and learnt to cope with my anxiety, the depression has subsided. I still have my off days (or weeks) and I seem to be going through that at the moment. I was on medication for a while, and took myself off it - I knew it wasn't a good thing to do, but my anxiety meant that going to pick up my prescription was extremely difficult. However I think it was the wrong drug for me anyway as it didn't have much effect.
I find it very hard to go for dog walks when I'm feeling down, but once I've managed to drag myself out of the house it does make me feel much better :) getting my dog when I was at my lowest point certainly turned my life around.

Inka and everyone I think its the old thought ....."Only sick people take tablets and I am not sick now so will stop the tablets" I think the way to think of it which will be hard is as was described "like  a cast on your arm etc" the tablets are merely a tool that enable you to function/live your life life lipstick and chocolate. LOL

And I think more people suffer from depression than we realise I think it is a taboo that has yet to be broken.  So threads llike this are enormously beneficial to all.....Thanks for starting this.