Ok so lately I have been tearing my hair out over him.

1. I can not do anything with the dog without getting critised or 'told off'. Teaching her things like 'wait' when I put her dinner down or when I am walking out the front door with her, teaching her to heel on lead, not giving her tit bits of my plate and teaching her not to beg for them, all these mean I am being cruel and not treating her fairly and like a dog should be treated. Also come tenish on a night I put her in my room (where her dog bed is and it seems like her happy safe place, only place she truely relaxes) so I can have time with the OH without cuddling, playing or keeping an eye on the dog, this causes huge probs with us as he does not agree with it and always uses it against me and tells people I lock the dog away all time, but if I didnt do this on a night the dog would spend all night running around or pacing around, wanting toys and cuddles etc and I want some time before bed to just relax. Does this sound out of order ?? Also when he goes to leave of a night (he does not live with me) or any time in the day he starts trying to play with the dog before going and I will say to him nearly every time 'dont start winding the dog up'  as I dont want the dog wound up to the point he always gets her when he leaves as it is always inappropriate times and I have to calm her down etc after he leaves but then I always get that I always moan at him and dont let him do anything, and I dont like always moaning at him but I dont have no choice.

2.He teaches the dog bad habbits ad messes up all my time training. Ie he comes down in the day when I am at work and I notice a mcdonalds wrappers and I know exactly what has happened. As then it seems I have to start training not to beg all over again (she gets it again straight away) and I have seen him plently of times allow her to jump up at him when eating and even sniff his hands and mouth and then he gives her some. But off cause then all I get is that I am moaning again ahhhh He is even that ignorant to dog training that sometimes when he has gone to give her a treat he will say sit first (something she does not even need telling to do off me) she does not do it and then he gives her the treat ahhhh but he wont be told. When I am in the kitchen she always follows me in (prob becasue he alows her to) and I always tell her out (its a small kitchen) but she keeps coming back in and I keep telling her out (a little more firmly each time) and he has a go at me that I am being nasty and unreasonable.

3. He is the same with the cat. The cat will come and lie down or come for a cuddle after running around playing and he will always start tickling his belly to get him to attack his hand and start playing some more, and I tell him not to as for one it is not fair on the cat he has come for a cuddle not to get wound up. But again I am moaning at him and he again says he is not aloud to do anything. But I dont mind him playing with the animals or cuddling them but not always when the time is wrong. Do I sound really bad?

4. His mum. He lives with her still. And she does not like me, or does not like the fact he has a gf. She is a very silly women and pathetic. Its like a competition she has going on, that my bf will always go running to her and put her first. When ever he is with me she gets funny and starts making him feel guilty. In 4 years together he has not stopped the night at mine and I know its becasue of her, same with not having diner with me and my son at dinner time at mine ever. And i am sick of her and his sister (she is the same) being nasty to me etc the other week for example he was supposed to do something with his mums car, I woke him up at half 8 by rining him to get him up, 3 o clock came and he took me to fetch my son from school then we went back to his house and his mum started going mad that he had not done her car thn started on me, saying that I stop him and always get him running around after me. I had not seen him all day and even got him up (if i didnt he would be in bed till 12 atleast) not my fault he is  lazzy bugger and it is like he is not even aloud to see me or my son for half an hour in the day. I was so angry and he didnt put her straight or tell her not to speak to me like that and there have been loads of occasions like that.
But she is that pathetic he has to do everything for her, even put petrol in her car, she refuses to do it. And he pays for everything for her and his sister ie buys them cars all the time, pays for MOT, always fixes them and pays for parts, pays the tax for his mums etc etc its like he is not aloud a life outside of them

5. when I have had a long day at work its like he trys his best to wind me up (im already tired and irritable). He wont stop cuddling me and lying all over me and kissing me and touching me and trying to tickle me and trying ather things to get me to start laughing and playing, but im tired I dont want to. But then of cause im being grumpy all the time and dont stop snapping at him and he tells everyone all the time that I am always nasty to him. What ever happened to sitting down, having a nice conversation and relax, why do I have to always be bubbly and full of energy ?? Then off cause he puts on facebook, so everyone starts telling him to finish with me, that I was being grumpy all night and snapping at him and locking the dog away and not letting him move or talk etc etc

OK RANT OVER.

hes sounds like hes the 1 that needs trainning,

Why on earth are you with this person?  Get him to grow a pair and decide if he wants you full-time and proper or not.  It's not his mother or sister at fault, it's him.
As for the dog thing, you need to train your dog a 'calm' command.  You need to teach your dog that it can't always rush about the house.  This is one of the first things I teach.  My dogs get trained very early that the living room is not for playing in (fetch, tuggy or rumbling about).  If they want to play, they can go outside, which they now do themselves.  I just ignore the 'annoying' dog with the toy or tell them to go lie down.  This puts a stop to any nonsense at nighttime.
The treat thing, I can't comment on.  I don't mind treats and stuff and always give my dogs a little bit of something.  But then, mine aren't really beggars.

I kind of do think you are maybe being rather strict with the dog rules but it's your dog and you need to live with him so what you say, should go.  Sounds like the whole family are walking over you.  Maybe it's you that needs to grow a pair??:)

Point number 4 explains it all.

how old is he ?

and i think after all these years you need to stop being used
get yourself a life and leave him to his.

You are worth more than being treated like this, it is also your
house so lay the rules down and say to him if you do not like
it that is the front door use it and do not come back.

stand up for yourself you seem strong and know what you want
so tell him, he has to make a decision about what he wants
to me he is just stringing you along does not give a damn about
what you want and he is being selfish you can do better.

my daughter was in a relationship like yours and after two years
of him being a child she kicked the waste of space into space she
has a fantastic job, great kids,two dogs, and a person who now loves her
and will do anything for her , she told me when she first kicked him out
of her life she was terrified but after a month she realised what she
had been missing.

You have wasted 4 years on this guy.  We don't live forever, your better on your won, and to be available for someone better.

I have always been of the opinion with adult relationships that if a person doesn't know if they want to commit to the other within 6 months to a year, then they simply aren't going to as there isn't enough feeling/maturity there.

This sounds very familiar to a thread posted last yr by a member called lurcher owner. I see you have only just joined but I do wonder if you have rejoined under another name?.

Never have children with this man :-)

I also think I am kind of strict with the doggy rules but if I am not it causes problems. For example I do give her doggy and even human food as treats, but she has to work for them, as there is still alot of training she needs, also I dont feed her my food that I am eating at that time becasue it turns her into a 'begger' and a stealer and I have a young child so I dont want to have to shut the dog away when he always eats as I would be worried she would take it off him. She has also gone through stages of being fussy with her dinner and used to refuse to eat so I dont want to allow that to happen again.

And I dont mind him playing with her etc but like I said not at innapropriate times like late at night before I am about to go to bed etc and the bedroom is her safe place, she choose it to be her resting place, so is it unreasonable for me to want her to rest and calm down of a night??

> I just ignore the 'annoying' dog with the toy or tell them to go lie down.  This puts a stop to any nonsense at nighttime.
>

Un fortunatly with my bf this can not be the case in our household. As he will spend all night taking the toy and throwing it or tugging with her. So I would have the nonsense all night every night, hense another reason why she goes to 'bed' come around 10 o clock.

Yes, honestly, I have rejoined under a different name, I could not remember password. And I felt I came accross wrong before, ie I felt i came accross as a bit of a joke. I just wanted a fresh start.

Sorry but if he's still being like this now, and I think it's been a fair while since you last posted?  It's time to give him the boot.  He's clearly not going to change, he's clearly got no interest in changing or giving a damn about you, so get rid of him and do what you want to do :-)

My last ex only went as far as wanting to control how many dogs we would have had - he only wanted two, at a push he'd have gone to my having two min pins if he had the collie he wanted - it didn't last.  I already had 4 dogs and I could never live without my dobes which were too big for him so that was that!  If I was with someone who constantly criticised what I was doing (especially when you are doing everything right to make her happy and well behaved) then he'd be out the door faster than you could say 'good dog' ;-)

ETA My ex before was also very like your point #5, he would never listen to me when I told him to stop mucking about, and most importantly when I told him not to tickle me - I detest being tickled, but he would NOT stop.  It drove me round the twist to the point that I nearly hit him several times, which is the complete opposite of how I am - I never lose my temper with anyone, never mind hit them and I still find it incredible that I even thought about it!  Are you prepared to put up with that behaviour for the rest of your life?  I wasn't and he wasn't going to change.  It's not worth being so annoyed every day, for life.  We only get one.

I know what people are saying but I so want it to work out. I love him, when he is nice and we are getting along it is the best thing. I just want him to want me, so to speak, I know how pathetic that sounds. Lately I have been thinking so much that we have not got a future, but then I think to myself maybe what he is saying is right? Is it me and if I changed and stopped 'nagging' him and being 'grumpy' things would be different and we would have a future. He was with his ex for 11 years though and nothing moved on with that relationship either, they didnt have a home together (well they lived together at his mums house, he seems unable to leave that house), they wernt engaged, no child, no future plans, nothing jointly owned, I dont want to spend 11 years like that.

He is 31 for goodness sake and is always getting depressed that he has not done or gotten anything in his life including children, and I feel bad becasue he has wasted 4 years on me when he could of been out building a family (I want a family but as he says he wont have one with me becasue of the way I am), I feel as though I have ruined his life.

I know he needs help, his mum needs a kick up the bum to make him stad on his own feet and stop doing everything for him, how can I justify leaving the man I love when he needs help?

Is it me and if I changed and stopped 'nagging' him and being 'grumpy' things would be different and we would have a future.

Listen to yourself! That's not you talking, that's him. I was with somebody like that for many years. Eventually it escalated to "If you didn't MAKE me, I wouldn't have to hit you". Even my MUM told me if I didn't nag him he'd be nicer. So I should just put up with everything and roll over?? Well once I'd left him and got together with my current husband my ex said "he'll soon get fed up with you because of the way you behave" -well nearly 12 years down the line and we're as happy as we were when we first met. It was never me! Took me years to realise that though.

A 31 year old living with their mother is just plain WRONG and unnatural.

I know he needs help, his mum needs a kick up the bum to make him stad on his own feet and stop doing everything for him, how can I justify leaving the man I love when he needs help?

Do you think that perhaps the best help he may get is for you to insist he stands on his own feet, seems that criticism he may be getting in his own life if being multiplied and dumped on you - you do not deserve this and need to get your own life back, he needs to grow up then perhaps you can get together and have a successful partnership because there is no way that will happen as things are you are being used and in the end when you are all used up he will move on.

> A 31 year old living with their mother is just plain WRONG and unnatural.

His mum also still takes him to the docs and dentist, he wont go without her. And buys his boxers and socks, changes his bed sheets etc etc It rally annoys me and he cant figure out why, he says I am just a jelous B**** !!

> Even my MUM told me if I didn't nag him he'd be nicer. So I should just put up with everything and roll over??

Oh dear me that is terrible, thank goodness u left him xx

ummmm...why are you with this man????? I'm with cracar--get rid! Please don't take offence, but he is obviously causing you real aggravation and if you have a child at home this man hardly sounds like the sort of role model your son needs.

This man is just lucky his mum still wants him at home, I'm afraid I'd take him to the pound :-(

> there is no way that will happen as things are you are being used and in the end when you are all used up he will move on.

That is what I am terrified of, him moving on and leaving me. Because te way thigs are points to him moving on from me. Also the adding random girls on fb (young and gorgeous barbi looking girls) and the dating website I found he had joined.

TBH you got lots of advice the last time you posted and you seemed to have not taken anything on board and are still with him detailing the exact same issues as before.

It is time instead of talking about do something which takes positive action to change your life and move on from this moron.

Use your energy to do that rather than continuing to be a victim. Sorry to sound harsh bit sometime tough talking may well make you sit up and think rather than get the sympathy which I know helps but doesn't change things.

Life without him may seem daunting but trust me I have been in a destructive relationship and after taking the decision to end the relationship onu terms was the best thing I ever did.

That is what I am terrified of, him moving on and leaving me

Then let him go for goodness sake - why are you hanging on to him and who in their right mind would want him - grit your teeth and show him the door. You I think are mistaking love of a partner with that of a child and he will never give you fulfilment as a woman and if you want another child then have one but make sure it is a lot younger than 31.

You seem to feel love for him because he 'needs you' that is no way for you to live and if you want a proper relationship then get rid and find yourself a mature man one that can give and receive love and give and receive support this relationship is all give for you and take for him.

> That is what I am terrified of, him moving on and leaving me. Because te way thigs are points to him moving on from me. Also the adding random girls on fb (young and gorgeous barbi looking girls) and the dating website I found he had joined

Dear lord girl and you love him? Why?. And don't try telling me he's the catch of the century and how well he treats you and respects you either. Seems to me nothing has changed since your  original post of 12 months ago. He doesn't need help dear he needs his marching orders.

I agree Goldmali,

Different people bring out different personality traits in us, if you are nagging, angry, fed up and unhappy and disliking other people, that is because the person you are with does not fulfill you and never will, you will end up looking in the mirror not liking the person looking back at you. That only changes when you leave behind the person making you feel that way.

Yes we have all said this to you last year and you got some very good advice, most of us said kick him to the curb then............

Your O/H likes his life with his mother, he likes everything he does with them, the security of his family, if he didn't he wouldn't do it, he's stringing you along with hope that isn't there, so accept that he won't change. He will not change for you, so being cruel to be kind 'Put up or shut up!'

It's your choice who you stay with and who you don't, but he is who he is you have known that for 4yrs and probably the next 10yrs too, you have the choice to leave the relationship or stay it depends on what you want out of life.

You can't change people, you need to just accept the personality he is and the life he brings to you and be happy with it, or if you want more let it go...........

>That is what I am terrified of, him moving on and leaving me.

What are you, a woman or a doormat? He doesn't treat you with the slightest respect, so you're the one who needs to move on.

>Is it me and if I changed and stopped 'nagging' him and being 'grumpy' things would be different and we would have a future.

No; if you tried to change to suit him you'd be unhappy and he'd still wipe his feet on you.

QueenLurcher - I very rarely respond to this sort of post, limit myself to doggy stuff, but it doesn't sound like this relationship is doing anything for you at all. What are you getting out of it?

In my experience, it is far less lonely to be by yourself than it is to be with someone who doesn't value you. And you won't be alone when he goes, you've got your son.

> I know what people are saying but I so want it to work out.

Why?  I ask because of this bit:

>I want a family but as he says he wont have one with me becasue of the way I am

Shouldn't that tell you enough?  He is not in it for the long run no matter how much you might want him to be (and I honestly don't understand why, he's a loser).  He wants kids but he doesn't want them with you, he's on a dating site, and he adds bimbos to his FB friends list.  This is not a lifelong relationship, it's not going to be and you need to end it before it causes you any more grief.

Sooner or later, he is going to find someone better suited to him and go with her (and I have no doubt he would just walk away from you to do so) - pre-empt him and free yourself from this piece of cr@p.

> how can I justify leaving the man I love when he needs help?

Sometimes, walking away is exactly the help a person needs.  Right now, he knows you are 'safe', he knows he doesn't have to try because you won't leave, so he's stuck in this rut and he always will be.  You need to walk away for his sake - you will be helping him (and yourself).

No he does not want me does he, and no he is not in it for the long run.

I need to get real and get strong.

I have applied for a new job working at a successfull stables that do lessons, pony camps, trail rides, fun days and schooling etc. I used to work with horses and have b.h.s qualifications but not rode or worked with them for a long while and it was my whole life. So hope I get the job, new chapter in my life and the start of a happyer me :)

how can I justify leaving the man I love when he needs help?

Just to also pick up on this point too.

QueenLurcher, who says he needs help, you or him?
Why do you think he needs help?.......... Because you think it is wrong for him to be hanging on to his mothers apron strings?

What you need to accept is he does not feel he needs help, he is very happy with his lifestyle, he lives at home and has a girlfriend on tap too and who knows what else.

You see his mother as the wicked witch, he doesn't, he's happy, he soon tells you that he does not like your personality and does not want to have children with you, he could just as easily say negatives to his mother and leave her, she is not afraid to tell him off yet he is happy to live with her and dedicate his time still and have her at his side, (even for the dentist) she is no shrinking violet, he is not afraid, he wants her or he would move in with you.

So face up to the truth, your easy for him to play, maybe you both like the drama I don't know, what I do know is you're not happy the rest is for you to think through.........

Hi Queen Lurcher.  Like others I remember your posts from last year and also the excellent advice you had then from many CD'ers.  I just want to add my agreement with what others are saying in offering their support.  This man is not going to change whatever you do or say.  I am sure you do not really want your son to grow up witnessing your boyfriend bullying and undermining you at every turn.  From what you tell us he has a hold over you and is abusing this power - so much so that you are even blaming yourself for HIS inadequate, selfish and immature behaviour!

Difficult and scary as it may be, you DO have a choice.  You can accept that things will not change if you stay with him but decide that you can live with that and carry on with the current situation with all its implications for you and your son.  If you do this there will be no point complaining about it because complaining will have no effect whatsoever on his behaviour.  Or you can choose to end the relationship once and for all and make a new start with your life for you and your son.  This would give you some much needed self respect and the opportunity, in time, to develop a mature, equal and loving relationship with someone much more deserving of your love, support, time and commitment.

A new job, doing something you really like, could help you enormously with making some vital changes to your life, so good for you for planning to do this - and best of luck for the stable job.  Apologies for the straight talking - I just hate to hear of you feeling trapped into going round in circles in such an unfulfilling & destructive relationship, when it really doesn't have to be that way.

Be strong and make the changes you seem to know, deep down, that you need to make.  Good Luck!  

QueenLurcher - I meant to add to the end of my previous post:

If you can make the decision to break away from this relationship, in the long run I am sure you will be happier, so will your son and, away from all the confusing mixed messages she is currently receiving - so will your lovely DOG!

XXX

>That is what I am terrified of, him moving on and leaving me.

So you're saying that you would rather put up with him than be alone?   Because you need to be with someone?

I'm sorry, but you didn't listen last year, and haven't got rid of him.  I can honestly say that it's better to be alone than be treated like sh*t.

He's not going to change. Why would he? He's got his mother doting om him and a girlfriend who lets him walk all over her.

Get rid of him now, before he makes you believe that this is all you are worth. Not a good example to set for your son.

I find point 4 worrying. It sounds as though he is old enough to have the apron strings cut by now. Why is he still living at home and worse still being controlled by his mother. Not stayed overnight in all 4 years together - thats just not right!!! Perhaps you havent written them but he doesnt sound like he has a lot going for him. Why are you together???

I know it is very easy to give advise when you are not in the situation and sometimes to be on the receiving end is not nice BUT you were on here last year with the same issues, it doesn't appear you heeded advice so will you be on here again next year?

WHY do you feel that you are not worthy of someone better, someone who will treat you with respect? I am afraid it appears that you are allowing yourself to be a doormat, or are you the type of person who moans about their lot?. Nothing will change unless you take action. Has anyone on here said " sounds like things are ok, carry on as you are?" No they haven't, so really the remedy is down to you.

I know this might sound harsh and as I said it is easy to dish out advice, it takes a person with some gumption to act on it.
Good Luck.

What is so scary about being on your own for a bit?

I know it IS scary, but the point is, write down all the things that worry you about being on  your own and see if you can address those things.

Firstly - you won't be on your own forever, unless you wanted to be. Leaving THIS man does not mean you will be without a partner permanently.

Being alone and living alone are two different things - living alone is FREEDOM - you can do what you want, when you want to do it, the way you want to do it, and theres no one there to criticize or argue about it - its all YOUR choice.

Just sit and imagine how nice and relaxing that would be... you can eat what you want, go out when you want, go to the places you want to go to, train and handle your dog the way you want to... believe me, it is LOVELY!

Kicking him out doesn't mean you will lose your friends either (well you might lose some if they were his friends but any that you lose, well they weren't real friends anyway! better off without those) - and of course you have your dog, so you can't possibly be ALONE just by kicking him out and ending the relationship.

Read this thread back, and the one you did last year - ask yourself 'what would I say if I was responding to this post, what would I tell this person' - because I bet it wouldn't be 'stay with him and change yourself to suit him' now would it.

It will seem scary now but ending this relationship and standing on your own two feet for a little while without a bloke, learning to love yourself and BE yourself, it will be the BEST thing you ever did, and you will kick yourself for not having done it years ago, honestly!

http://www.livelifehappy.com/at-some-point-you-will-realize-that-you/

I found this quote and it seems appropriate for the circumstances..

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be." -unknown

I agree with the others,
Now is the time to kick yourself up the back side and realise you are with a mummys boy that is NEVER going to change. Its NOT you its HIM.
I have been in tooo many bad relationships but now am happy at the age of 34. I was lucky that I didnt want any more children. But you do. Can you sacrifice that for THIS relationship???? Can you be with him for another 8 years and loose the chance???
If he treats the dog like that then how would he treat a mutual child (that he would never let you have)
How DOES he treat your son???? I Hvae a 5yo step daughter that lives with us that I treat as my own,. My partner does alot for my boys as well, but they were alot older than yours when we met so not the same bond as with me and his daqughter (I knew her from 18 months he knew my boys from 10 and 14)
Can you live your life without having anymore kids?
Can you wait for him to commit?
Can you find someone better even if it takes you a few years {YES}
Are you waiting for him to end it because he has found someone else????? or are you just waiting for it to happen as you already have seen the proof that he is ACTIVELY looking for someone else (you DONNOT go on dating sites if you are happy with the person you are with)
And 4 years without him spending the night. So is it just sex??? A relationship is more than just a quick fumble under curfew. Its about the long mornings cuddling while your son is somewhere else or happy playing, About waking up with bad breath beside each other yet still wanting to kiss each otherl, NOT  a quick fumble because he has to get back to his mummy.
HOW OLD ARE YOU???? that sounds like the sort of thing my son would do at the age of 17!!! Not what I would expect at the age of 34!!!!

Sorry I have waffled on but you ARE WORTH MORE THAN HIM.
Take care hunni, but please remember you desrerve BETTER so go out there and FIND it :) :)
Oh and I met the love of my life on an internet dating site, after kissing a few toads, you just have to be careful who you meet, so it CAN happen!!!!
Lea xxx

I used to be in a relationship similar to yours but we did live together. For years I tried to make it work and moaned to everybody about him. I was always upset but felt I had put too much time and effort in to give up. My ex was happy with the relationship as he did as he pleased and still had me the doormat there.

Eventually I realised that he was destroying me. I was either nagging him or in tears.

We split and it hurt for a while but I got over it and if I had stayed I'd probably still be in the same situation now instead of with my lovely soulmate.

It's your life and your choice. He won't change into the person you want him to be. You have to meet that person.