Hi guys. I am have real problems with my 6 year old son lately. I am reaching the end of my tether. I am not with his father and we have joint custody, so I have him half the week and his dad the other half. Not how I want it but past events, and the fact his dad is a nasty man, meant this is how it is. I try my very very best and pride myself in being a good mother and unlike his dad I am not childish and do not use our boy in games and arguments. But lately it seems my son hates me and is obsessed with his dad. He is really really playing up for me, I cant ask him to do anything ie get dressed for school with out him screamig at me, telling me he hates me, crying his eyes out and putting his fists up to me. I cant stand it no more. Also he does all this when trying to get him to come and walk the dog with me, I try to explain that we will have to get rid of the dog if we dont walk her but nothing works. He is now in his bedroom screamig and kicking the door after kicking off about walking the dog and getting told to go to his room for throwing clothes at my head. I need advice :( Want to cry

Oh dear, {{hug}}

Stay strong, your word is the last word that has to be very clear! Don't change your mind about things or give in, it may cause a stink when he does not want to do things but eventually he will respect you and know exactly where he stands and in seeing that the trantrums and bad behaviour have no effect on what you want, he will stop using them as his weapon. You must always be calm, and clear. Do not show your stress in front of him or cry or shout worst thing you can do, lock yourself away and have a cry if you must but not in front of him ever...... or he wins.

Grab his coat, put it on and tell him outside now for the walk and a nice treat when you get back if he is good, (fav dinner, chocolate etc) if he won't walk outside, lift him up and plonk him outside for the walk.

Your son is very unsettled, it must be very confusing for a 6yr old to spend half the week in one house and the other half in another, with two parents most probably working differently he is just pushing his luck. His dad no doubt is all about fun and it sounds as though he is saying nasty things about you too which your son is picking up on.

This situation may well work for some parents, but when there is animosity between the parents it rarely does, especially if dad uses him as a weapon. If your husband and yourself can not work off the same page, showing mutual respect for one another and the same parenting techniques your looking at a whole world of trouble.

Tell your son you love him very much (I'm sure you already do :-) )

If things do not improve it may well be a good time to bring in a third party a child psychologist once a week, to help sort out your son/yourself/the dad as often it is hard to sort out with mum and dad alone this person may well suggest a change in his lifestyle at the moment too.

Above all else, do not think you are doing anything wrong, children often try to push their luck, you just have to take charge in a calm and if needed stern tone, and make sure you have lots of laughter and cuddles in-between. :-)

Thank you HUGE help to know I am not a bad mother. It has been a constant battle to get to where we are now (joint custody) as when he was young I split with his dad due to not being happy in the rlationship and his dad as a punishment to me ran away with our son and I had to fight through court proving his bad words against me were not true and to move forward through his games. I pride myself that I did not ever retaliate and got through the court process only with telling the truth and being myself, maybe I should have played the same games as him then maybe I would have got full residence, but that is not how I live my life (playing games to get what I want). It is still often clear that his dad says things to him about me, telling him it is ok to play up for mummy and daddy will boss me and tell me what to do if I tell Tyler (our son) what to do. There was also an incidence few weeks back when Tyler gave m,e a kiss goodbye when his dad picked him up, but it was a quick kiss then a quick glance to his dad, I briefly saw a kind of 'what have I told u' glance from his dad to him, off course I straight away questioned it to be told I had imagined it. I know this is partly why my son is acting the way he is and is oviously confused becasue of not knowing where he stands but I just do not know how to stop it. I try my best and I cope with the  joint custody situation as best I can but I know it just is not working. Tyler has a family at his dads, a step mum (which they insisted he calls mum) and 2 older step sisters to play with, plus his school is local to his dads (I felt forced to agree this is the school he would attend despite being far from where I live and me not driving) so he has school friends there aswell. He just seems happyer with his dad. I want to stop all the negative and make the situation better but how?? His dad wont listn and I do not want to take it back to court as tyler is now older and will understand more and get upset, plus I dot think I could handle the games and lies again. Ahhhhhh. But I will try your advice the next time he plays up and has a tantrum. It needs sorting becasue it makes the dog anxious and now I have an anxious dog every time we get dressed or go to go out of the door :( xxx

The biggest mistake you are making here is in thinking that you do not have as much to offer Tyler, so silly of you to think such a thing, you are his mother, the most precious and important thing any child can have. You are the most important thing to him and always will be.

It doesn't matter if he has step sisters and a step mother (she should not be being called mum) and all the wealth in the world, nothing replaces his mum ever! You don't need to work on that or prove it, it just is and always will be. Everything else is all smoke screens and distractions which he will become bored with and eventually he will see his father for who he is.

Say nothing negative about his father, let him realise what his father is doing in his own time, build confidence in your son to show his own feelings and share his own thoughts.

Hold your head up and feel the power of who you are, his mother!!!  Stand up for what is right and don't be afraid of your ex, he is probably more afraid of you for he can never change that you are his mother.

Don't buckle stand strong! :-)

Carrington, you are one sensible lady. 

Carrington speaks wise words . I hope things improve for you and remember you are a good mum in difficult circumstances

> He just seems happyer with his dad

At different stages in their lives children are often drawn to one parent or another, sometimes it's about the activities you do together, sometimes it's about their emotional development, sometimes it's simply about who gives in the easiest (!) but you do need to remember that it will change.  In fact it will change many times over the coming years

One of the most important things we can do for our children is be constant, be there when we say we will, say the same things over and over again (brush your hair, clean your teeth, don't chew with your mouth open etc).  Kids find comfort and security in family rituals and routines and ideally you want to keep his home life as steady and 'same' as possible.  As he lives in two households you cannot hope to replicate that routine in both houses BUT you can put in place some simple routines to make your life a bit easier.

For instance kids often come out of school on a high but crash soon after, it's sometimes down to low blood sugar as well as simple tiredness after a busy day at school.  Can you work with these timings?  Can you walk the dog to collect him from school?  Take something for Tyler to eat on the way home, or make a regular stop to get him a drink and a snack.  Once he's home and the dog has been walked then you can both have some quiet time for him to get his energy back.  It might be worth looking at his diet too, as some foods can really cause issues and make mood swings more severe.

Every child is different and will need slightly different strategies but there are some basic truths about most children.  Have a look at a book called "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph - it's a very good one for mums and helps us to understand these mini-men we are growing :)

At his age Tyler will be very receptive to emotional changes in you and his father and will have learnt to watch body language and interpret small looks and words.  He won't know exactly what they mean but he'll have an understanding of what happens next and will have some coping strategies.  You may not be able to avoid the tantrums altogether but it really helps if you can understand when they happen, what happened just before, and what happens after.  If after a row you find you are appeasing him, being more affectionate, giving treats etc then he may well have learnt to create the situation where he gets the attention he craves.  However this is guesswork and a bit of armchair psychology based on my own experiences with kids in care.  How about finding someone you can talk to?  Most regions have fantastic support people for children and families you just need to find a way of accessing it.  Your GP is a good first option as is your sons school.  Do engage both to help you out

Just a final word - watch your dog - Tyler may well resent your dog, after all, the dog gets to stay home with you all day and is obviously the focus of some of your attention.  Tyler may also dislike having to go out just for the measly dog etc etc.  Do what you can to foster a good relationship between them and ensure that your son views the dog as an ally and furry friend.

Parenting is a balancing act for us and our children xx   Sending positive thoughts.  In the immortal words of Coldplay: "Nobody said it was easy ... No one ever said it would be so hard ..." 

I was a single parent bringing my children up (thankfully for most of that time with no interference/presence of my ex husband, though he caused soem major issues).

They did not like walking the dogs with me (found it boring and as they got older not cool), and also I did get 'you love the dogs more than us' again especially as they got older and more independent.

I did tend to keep the main walking for when the kids were at school, though the dogs came on the school run (we walked to school each day).  When the kids were home then I concentrated on them, and the dogs were on back burner, though you would not think ti to listen to them.

First off, Have I missed something? Is your son not supposed to be in school?  I read that he is 6 and it's almost 10am on a Monday.  Sorry if I've picked it up wrong.
Anyway, I have 4 kids and I must say, it's the 2 boys(10 & 8 yrs) that moan the most about walking the dogs.  Like you, I told the boys that if they don't help out then the dog is going to a nicer family but that just caused an arguement!  Then I took a different tact.  I bought nerf guns and the boys will stick on the waterproofs and wellies, grab the guns and off they go!! They love to get a game of army's while walking the dogs!! Can be funny when the dogs emerge from the forrest with nerf bullets stuck to them but they seem to join in slightly.
With your ex? I don't really have any advice as I've never had a situ like that.  I think I would get the social work involved if he is messing with your son's head though.  That's not OK!! He should maybe get supervised visits till he realises your son is not a pawn in his games.  What a sh*t!

>First off, Have I missed something? Is your son not supposed to be in school?  I read that he is 6 and it's almost 10am on a Monday.  Sorry if I've picked it up wrong.

That was posted yesterday, Cracar - Sunday! ;-)

Sounds like a very difficult situation, of one I have limited experience with; I have a little brother who is seven and goes to his father's every other weekend. His dad is a nasty piece of work and was very abusive to me and my siblings when he lived with us, he's a bully. So you can imagine he does all the tricks in the book, including not returning my brother after Christmas, TWICE! If you really think his father is telling nasty things about you, get on to Kafkas, as it is actually against the rules to do so, it has some special name now I think but basically he could lose his custody if he's doing that.

Sometimes my brother plays up when he comes home; similar things, he pushes it, cheeky, throwing a sulk at minor things. My mum is firm but gentle and keeps him busy when he does this, activities and calmer bonding activities like reading his favourite book or watching a film together. She once told me that it's a natural thing for a child to play up when they've been away from their mother; something about making sure they still love them even though they've been gone. It makes sense to me. After a few days back in a routine, he settles down very well, but it sounds like your lad doesn't have much time to settle if he's there half the week. I would make sure there's a good routine at home he can get back into, maybe an after school club for him to look forward to (and as a bargaining tool for you!).

I think Carrington has given superb advice, as have others, I'm sure you can knock this on the head. xxx

Hehe! That explains that!! Thanks JG.

In my, very limited experience, 6 year old boys go through a stage of Daddy worship anyway.

I'm married, but my husband works very long hours and does not see our 2 boys much during the week. The elder boy (6), adores him and is always telling me how much he prefers his Dad, how much cleverer Dad is than me etc. etc. I admit that I find this really hurtful. But I have to remember that while my son thinks he knows everything, he is really only a baby and doesn't understand what he is saying, context, extent etc. etc.

At the end of the day, it is me he calls for if he gets scared of the dark, has a nightmare etc.

What really worked for us, was instituting a reward system rather than being told off. So, I give him a challenge of being polite all morning, getting dressed and doing his chores in 5 minutes, or whatever, and if he manages it, he gets his choice of a few crisps, a biscuit, a few minutes on thhe iPad etc. I find this works far better than the shouting and getting wound up that I got myself into before. He also has to earn his iPad time, by doing a few jobs around the house.

Like with dogs, I needed to be firm, utterly consistent, fun and rewarding (when good behaviour was given).

However, if he hits out at me, all treats are cancelled and cannot be earned back that day.

I am sure that you are a great Mum and that things will get easier, but I completely empathise too, 'cos I know how much it hurts when the child you love so much, says nasty things. Sending hugs....

Oh and a large glass of wine after they go to bed, really helps too!

Thank you Dogs a Babe . . .Great advice

>> For instance kids often come out of school on a high but crash soon after, it's sometimes down to low blood sugar as well as simple tiredness after a busy day at school.  Can you work with these timings? 

Yes Tyler does not have to get out of school and have to walk the dog, she has her big walk in the day and the walk up to the school then an evening walk in the evening when the oh is around. Tyler rarely has to walk the dog in the week. Its more on a weekend when there is no choice in the matter, it works out that he does not have to come on the 3 walks a day (she is a high energy dog) but he does need to accompany me on 2 each day of the weekend, and this is when the tantrums start.

> Just a final word - watch your dog - Tyler may well resent your dog, after all, the dog gets to stay home with you all day and is obviously the focus of some of your attention.  Tyler may also dislike having to go out just for the measly dog etc etc.  Do what you can to foster a good relationship between them and ensure that your son views the dog as an ally and furry friend.
>
>

I am pretty sure (or atleast hope I am) that Tyler loves the dog. He is always joining in with training and has mastered some of the obedience more than I have with her :) He also really enjoys watching me teaching her new 'tricks' that he can then have fun with after getting her to do them for a cuddle :) Even when we are down the field and he is playing football with her, he loves it, and laughs his little head off when she is running around like a head case :) and he never wants to leave when I tell him its time to go home. So why do I get the tantrums about having to go out :(

> I did tend to keep the main walking for when the kids were at school, though the dogs came on the school run (we walked to school each day).  When the kids were home then I concentrated on them, and the dogs were on back burner, though you would not think ti to listen to them.

Same :) Although it is mainly about Tyler after school the dog is still young so we work together to play with her and occupy her mind for a while :)

> First off, Have I missed something? Is your son not supposed to be in school?  I read that he is 6 and it's almost 10am on a Monday.  Sorry if I've picked it up wrong.
>

hahaha na was a sunday :)

> I bought nerf guns and the boys will stick on the waterproofs and wellies, grab the guns and off they go!! They love to get a game of army's while walking the dogs!! Can be funny when the dogs emerge from the forrest with nerf bullets stuck to them but they seem to join in slightly.
>

THAT IS AN APPSOLUTE BRILLIANT IDEA :) DEFINATLY GOING TO DO THIS (more for me rather than tyler hehe)

> She once told me that it's a natural thing for a child to play up when they've been away from their mother; something about making sure they still love them even though they've been gone.

Makes alot of sense and I think so true in my situation. Thank you for your wise words, such a help :)

Thanks hants I will try the reward system :) > I am sure that you are a great Mum and that things will get easier, but I completely empathise too, 'cos I know how much it hurts when the child you love so much, says nasty things

Thank you :) and yes it hurts but like you said we just need to remember that at that age they do not know what they are saying. Suppose all you can do is love them unconditionally and be there whenever they need you :) xx

I will preface this with *NOT A PARENT*...

And I apologise in advance if this causes offence, it is not meant to ...

Use positive dog training techniques on your son. It does work (and if you watch some of what Super Nanny does, if you can stand her - I really can't - you'll see it's very similar)...

When he is kicking off, saying horrible things - he is pushing you to get a reaction. He quite probably see's this behaviour in other people particularly when he is with his father, but even if not, its very 'standard' behaviour really in all animals.

He is effectively testing you, he doesn't know he is doing it, its not really a calculated action - but you must give him the same response, pretty much a non-response, every single time he does it.

Its a biiiiiit like a time out for a dog who is nagging you and being a pest - if EVERY time he gives you the 'Mummy I hate you' routine, you say to him in a neutral/pleasantish tone 'Oh well, I love you anyway' and carry on what you are doing, he will stop.

He doesn't mean it and he doesn't know the power of those words and IF you don't show him that it hurts, and give him the exact same response, in the same tone of voice, every single time, he will find out it doesn't achieve anything, get bored of it and the behavior will stop.

The other thing I would take from dog training is, do not get involved in a confrontation or argument - say it,  mean it, do it - don't debate it or argue or bargain with him. Just 'we are doing this in 10 minutes ,get ready. We are doing it now, come along'.

If he chucks a wobbler, just stand and wait it out, and use the disinterested/neutral tone of voice too if its necessary - sometimes kids get into a set behaviour pattern out of frustration and they will find it REALLY hard to just 'stop' rather than carry on the pattern, even if they actually WANT to stop, so waiting it out is often the better option than trying to stop it mid flow. Giving no reaction of any value really helps (though you have to find the 'zen' part of your mind, particularly if its in public!).