As most of you will know I lost Spud today, but I'm ok and I don't understand why.
I miss him and I adore him just as I did when he was alive, and I have had some blubs, but I thought I would have been worse. He really was everything to me, am I just in shock ?. Is it perhaps because his fits were so horrible that it's a relief he's not having them and i'm not having to watch him ?
I have had to put away most of his many beds as I just expect to see him lying in them, and I now associate them with him having a fit, so I know I am affected, but just not how I thought .

I don't think we ever really know how something will effect us until it happens{{{hugs}}} It's still very fresh and may well not have sunk in properly yet.

Watching him in such distress must have been awful and I can totally understand you being glad he's free of that. That's actually a very unselfish way to feel and means you put him before yourself.

Take care

Sorry to hear about Spud.  I dont think that it hits you straight away. it will in a day or two. prob how our boddys cope with this sort of thing. take it easy, treasure your memories together.

each time it affects us differently and it affects everyone differently.  I'm sorry to hear about Spud.

I'm just in tears because someone has posted on FB mentioning their dog, who is sister to my boy who I lost tragically with cancer just over a year ago... I know I did what I could for him and he had a good life, for me losing him was worse than I thought although I knew I would be upset.. I didn't think it would be as bad as losing the dogs who'd gone before him, but it was.  And interestingly he's the one I 'see' around the place on occasions, he's even come in the van with us to a show, just tantalising glimpses when you wonder who was that extra dog?  He's the only one I see.  Losing a loved one who's suffered and been in pain can be a relief, knowing that they're no longer in pain or suffering.

Sorry you have had such a distressing time but I think one always feels relief to start with because you know their distress is no more. You may or may not feel worse tomorrow but you seems to have timed things just right so you will feel sad yes but probably not distraught. When you really think about it the most important thing we do for our dogs is to know when to say good bye, you have done your best and should not feel upset at that but only pleased you found the strength to have made the right decision.

Oh Celli, I was so afraid to read this.  I am so very sorry that things did not turn out better, and I am crying, just knowing how awful the fits are to watch for the owner.

You have been so brave, taking away Spud's pain, and making it your own, and I know that he has left pawprints on your heart.  I do think that your numbness is the way that your body is dealing with things. 

I know that Spud will wait for you at the bridge.  My heart goes out to you.

Jean  x

There's no right or wrong way to grieve. It's different every time for every person, because each individual that's lost is different. Don't worry about your feelings - they are right for you at this time. They'll probably change and evolve as time goes by.

So sorry to hear this - My last dog went the same way - I had some nice cushions in his bed and I washed them all when he went.  They are still in my garage now - can't get them out for my present dog because I still think about my old dog and what happened to him which must be 14 years ago now.  Put them away and get all your nice photos out instead when he was healthy and try to remember him that way. 

I do understand Celli... Every loss is different.

Some times when I have lost a beloved companion animal, I have gone to a very deep and bad place, but always come back, in time.

Then there have been other bereavements - such as my dad dying - I almost felt guilty that I didn't cry, I just felt a big blooming of strength inside and pride to have been his daughter.... Rather similar to when my grandmother passed on... we celebrated her life.

When my cat Cuba was hit by a car last year, and I let her go at the vets while I spoke to her and stroked her, it was an awful loss but in many ways she is still with me. Knowing I did the right thing at the right time, and she passed with me there, was an enormous comfort.

Perhaps that is what you are feeling now: the power of his love extending to you and the trust that has never been broken.... That won't ever change. He will always be with you Celli :)

My big boy had serious fits for ages and they just got worse until we made the decision to let him go. It was sad but like you say also a relief that he was finally at peace.
His last days were not nice and it was the right choice to make..

I feel for you.

Cheers
J

Celli,

Please take care of yourself, i would imagine you are still in shock and are working on auto pilot. xx

Thanks so much guys xxx

Grief has kicked in, I'm crying typing this, but putting it down in words helps somehow, and I'm not normally one for sharing my emotions.

When I woke up this morning I had that horrible grey lumpy heavy feeling in my guts, I'm sure you all know that sensation. I really had to make myself get up to let the hens out and I went up to Spud's grave and just bawled. I just want him back !, I feel like he's been stolen from me just like his Mum was.
I'm also dreading just having one dog, because of Daisy's FA I don't think I could risk getting a puppy. All the stuff I have and only one wee dog, I have a mountain of beds, scores of leads, the couplers are the worst, who has two couplers and only one dog ! . And I got that bloody big car because I had 3 dogs less than a year ago.

Poor Daisy will be getting double wrapped in cotton wool and bubble wrap, she'll hate that, Spud never minded having anything done, but Daisy just has to see me with a tube of cream in my hand and she's off.

Ok, that's me done with the self pity for now, no doubt there'll be more to come.

Jane x

Condolences, there is no right or wrong way to grieve or miss them. I think that you are probably feeling relief that he is now at peace and not suffering from the distressing fits. When I lost my young girl after nursing her through a period of illness, medication administering etc I felt so sad but relieved that she was free. I then went on to feel extremely guilty and questioned how I felt and was I selfish to feel this way? I came to realise that it was her release from pain and illness that made me feel this way.

Seven years down the line I still miss her terribly and every post I read about someone loosing a beloved friend makes me sad. Grief hits you just when you don't expect it, over the smallest of things, I had to rearrange the furniture as every time I went in to the lounge I looked to where she used to lie.

Be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes but remember the love you shared and the many  people on here who understand.
Hugs,
Run Free Spud.  

Bless you,Celli!When I had my Flyss pts,she d struggled for so long with arthritis,and I had absolutely no choice,as the last week she was really struggling,I was having to help her outside,and at !5 I knew she couldnt get any better,and I was amazed I wasnt more upset than I was and I felt guilty too,as shed been such a good friend for so long.It was a relief to not see her struggle any more,and to not have to wonder when you woke up,if youd still got her.Its a horrible time,but if youre feeling relief along with the grief as I was,please dont berate yourself,it just shows how much you care.God bless.

I think most (if not all) of us go through a period of pseudo-normality - some sort of shock, numbness by the surreality of it all.

I did with Soli - I did cry for the first two days after I lost her, but I then went into a period of total numbness and it didn't seem real.  TBH it still doesn't - 5 months on I still have moments when I can't get my head around the idea that she's still here, and I still have odd moments where I'll cry over her but for the most part, life just went on.

I think, as you say, it was the relief - although she wasn't struggling (she had a heart attack, went from happy and energetic one moment to gone the next), she was a stress head and I was constantly worried about when she would go into heart failure (she never did) because I knew I'd have to have her PTS almost immediately - she'd never have coped with the tests and monitoring as it progressed.  So it was a huge relief from that POV, and also simply because she wasn't stressed any more.

So sorry Celli {{{hug}}}

I think sometimes when we have time to get used to the idea that one of our animals may not make it, somehow we are overwhelmed with the feeling of acceptance.

It doesn't mean that we love things more or less, if that is what you are worried about, it's just sometimes we can accept making it easier still when we know we did all we could and feel at peace that they knew they were loved.

I dare say that is how you are feeling right now that Spud knew you loved him so an overwhelming feeling of sadness is not there, just peace..... although the loss of him will be with you and no doubt you will think of him very often, hopefully feeling happy you shared each others lives for a while, some of us can accept better than others, there is never a right or wrong way to grieve. :-)

So sorry for your loss Jane.  Unfortunately I'm sure we've all been here (most many times before).  It's never easy and, as previously said, we all grieve differently.  The loss of a beloved pet is one that only animal lovers can understand.  Having a pet PTS is the hardest decision you can make and one that you make out of love.  You know that you've done the right thing for Spud, but it'll never be the right thing for you.  I honestly think for that reason I will never have another pet when we lose our beautiful Roxy, who is completely the love of my life.  The love you share with them is enormous, but unfortunately they only have, in the grand scale of things, very short lives and then you're left without them.

Take comfort that you did the right thing for Spud and he's no longer suffering.

Simone x

I was speaking to my friends OH on the phone this afternoon, he was always very fond of Spud ( they have his brother Ted ) I nearly broke down on the phone when he said " you could have fitted his brain in an egg cup but you'd never be able to dig a hole big enough for his heart " it summed Spuddy up to a tee.

Thanks so much for all the support, all much appreciated and all so very true.

Celli, can I just say that before I knew you from here and Spud, of course, I really didn't like the breed(scared really).  But your stories of your lovely boy and how nice he was changed my opinions and I now have some staffie friends(well, my dogs do).  You should be so proud to have owned such a good ambassador to the breed :) I, for one, will remember Spud with great fondness as, even though I never met him in person, he touched my life too.  Why not share some lovely, happy, funny memories with us? I know that helped me. 
In fact, we(OH & I) were sitting discussing our little bitch and pups this morning and we shared a lovely memory about our third Akita and how much he adored puppies! He would be soooo excited watching them grow until the got to playmate size.  I have so many silly photos of puppies, both big and small, hanging from his double chin and lugs!! The nicest dog ever and missed ever so much.  x

He sounds like Henry, that could have described him pretty well! Another lovely thing a friend said when Henry went (he was only 8 years old) was that he may not have lived as long as some dogs, but he fit more living into those 8 years than many dogs do in twice that time. And that's true, he had a wonderful life and went to so many different places and had such varied experiences. I'm sure your Spud was the same.

That's a nice memorial to Spud from Ted's owners.

I still remember going through all the agonies of having my fitting dog diagnosed with a brain tumour and when the drugs stopped working he was PTS. I felt real sorrow but mainly relief that a)he didn't have to suffer anymore & b)I didn't have to watch him go through it. I said to the vet at the time I felt it was such a waste of a lovely dog.

Cracar, that's just such a lovely thing to say about my boy, he seemed to specialise in changing perceptions, he just had one of those slightly dim but good natured faces people couldn't help but warm too. He was even grabbed and kissed right on the face once by a complete stranger on the street !. I think the guy was the worse for drink/drugs, but Spuddy just stood in bewildered amazement, it happened so quickly I didn't have time to react.

I think your idea about good memories is great, but lets start a different thread and we'll all add our memories of our much missed friends.

I haven't had a chance to say just how sorry I was to read about Spud. I had followed your Health tread but as I know nothing about the condition I didn't know what to say. However, I do know what you mean about not knowing how to feel. I think that real emotion kicks in once you realise that actually you aren't going to have physical contact with them any more. You are almost so relieved to not see them suffer that you can cope at first but then oh boy do the tears flow and flow.

I was doing fine on the crying front today, until i went into my own branch of the vets and saw one of the vet nurses. She started to cry and gave me a hug and of course, that set me off again too. It was so nice to see that they had genuinely cared for him.

I had a lovely Reiki session today from my friend, and I must say I feel much more at peace.

I wasn't doing too badly at my first show after losing Henry, then an acquaintance who owned the dog I used on Ellie came over and said how sorry she was to hear it, and I just dissolved - very embarrassing! I'm glad the reiki has helped, I've never tried that.

It's awful isn't it, you think your over the worst then some one has to go and be nice and sympathetic and off you go again.

On a positive note I had a really lovely play with Daisy this evening, normally she would sit on the side lines of any house play, she enjoyed it so much she even gave two barks in excitement, something I've never heard her do before.