Hi. Having a few probs atm, things are just getting on top of me, and feel like sometimes it is just alot better just to write them down. Having relationship probs with my boyfriend :( well past 5 years of probs. Its just constant arguing, and putting me down, and calling me names and shouting mentally in my face. Everythig in my life he uses agenst me in a bad way, my child, my pup, my cats, my parents, my job (or lack of it at this moment), my home, my social life (or lack of it) !! Its like i cant breath becasue everything gets used against me. And im not a bad person or a mother, pet owner, or girlfriend :(
As you all may no i have been having probs with my pup (i think being upset all the time over the bf has resulted in me creating her problem ie the separation anxiety becasue i mother her to much), i have been trying really hard the past couple of days to work on these issues, and have been really strict with my self to not fall back into the same routine. I ahve introduced a crate (much to my bf disgust) which i am trying to build up slowly with her and giving her treats and fuss when in it, she will go strate in when told to and lie in there for about 15mins, I have also been shutting doors on her while im doing housework so she gets used to time alone while im in the house, i now ignore her whinning at me and i have not been allowing her time on my sofa all the time, she would permantly be on there before but now i dont let her, and thn ill call her up for a cuddle now and again. also i have been having 'play times' with her, when before it was just when she wanted it. But like i said it has only been a few days and tonight it just all seemed not worth it. My boyfriend came over (he dont live with us just comes over for about 3hrs a night) and he gave her a cuddle when he come in (before saying hello to me which i dont really like but accept), then he sat down next to me and continued to fuss the dog, then she walked to get a drink, when she came back in she went to jump up the sofa to us, to which i said 'no', she then started mopeing about whinning and crying and kept coming back to my sofa and trying again. all the time the bf was strocking her when she came to get up on the sofa and i had to keep asking him not to as he is just reinforcing the behavour, but he took no notice. Then when i said 'no' to her again i added 'go and lie down' Which she did :) but then the bf went mad at me. saying im cruel and i should be giving her love and letting her up on the sofa etc etc and that he is going to get rid of her (he brought her for me) becasue of how i treat her. and that its not fair and its cruel to tell a actie pup to go and lie down. etc etc etc etc justa big argument AGAIN. But he does not spend all day and night with her, in the home and on walks, surely he should not do this and should listen to me and support me when its me left to do everything with her and live with her and actually i am her owner and her mom and her best friend not him. What say does he have when im trying my best and doing nothing but worrying and trying my hardest with all this. Or is he right ????????? Am i cruel and being unfair to her??? Roughly how much love and attention and play should you offer a 7month old pup, should it be constant which is what i was doing or am i right for wanting to change things ???

:( and just emotionally worn out :(

You sound to be doing all the right things now with that puppy and you are right, you have to be consistent and everyone dealing with her should stick to the same rules to save causing confusion. There is absolutely nothing cruel about setting rules and sticking to them. My dogs are not allowed on furniture, they accept that quite happily and I'm confident that they don't feel deprived because of it :)
A fairly brutal question here - and please tell me to butt out if it is too personal - Is there a positive side to the relationship with your boyfriend? It just doesn't sound as if he has much respect for you or your wishes and that has me concerned :(

> Or is he right ????????? Am i cruel and being unfair to her???

NO he is NOT right atall,you are NOT being cruel.
Being a caring, responsible owner is not about spenindg all your time on your pup by doing evrything it wants when ever it wants. It about teaching it what is expected and how it should behave, teaching it to cope on it's own for periods with out you.

Sounds like you are doing great with your pup :)

Play-time and fuss-time on YOUR terms are much better than letting a pup think it can make you do want it wants. Your BF has no idea what he is talking about, he is either lacking common-sense and needs some educating regarding raising & trainig a pup to help his little brain fill in the blanks, or he is just a pratt.
Sorry, I don't mean to offend you atall, you need support but I have no time for bullies what so ever and your BF is being a bully.

> calling me names and shouting mentally in my face

BULLY. It makes him feel good to pick on you. PLease, please, please have a long hard think about your relationship with this man. He is abusing you, plain & simple. It's not quite as easy for you to see as if he were actually hitting you, but he is hurting you emotionally and doing it on purpose to control & manupulate you. You ARE worth so much more than this.

I was married to this man!!!!!!!! Or someone like him. ;-) I could no right in his eyes. I'm afraid that I was close to a breakdown when I finally plucked up the courage to leave him. Best thing I ever did. I'm happier, the dogs are more settled and I have a life again. :-)

You are doing everything right so far with your pup. He just needs to understand that he is making things worse. If he doesn't then I would ask him to leave. If you aren't up to finishing the relationship then at least tell him that he is not welcome in the house until he abides by your rules.

you are doing the correct thing with your pup, also your house,your rules, he does not live there, if he does not like it there is the front door, sorry to be so blunt but you do not need to be put down by a BULLY and that is what he is have a good think about what YOU want out of life good luck with what you decide.

You are doing the right thing with the pup but the wrong thing letting your boyfriend treat you like a doormat.

The best think to do is do take his advice upto a certain point and his suggestion about getting rid is correct but it is him that this should apply to.

Your confidence has been seriously dented by this man and what you need to do is dig deep and find the strength to say enough is enough. You will be amazed how it will feel like a big weight has been lifted and how strong you really are and get on and life your life the way you want to not by some sad excuse of a boyfriend.

Sometimes when you're in that situation you don't feel like you have the strength to do anything about it but you must. It will take time and won't be easy but eventually you will look back like I have and think why did I put up with that.

I'm so sorry you are at such a low point but you are doing the best thing for your pup. 

What you are doing is training your pup to have self confidence and to feel happy with her own company, that's not cruel, it is a gift of love and self sacrifice on your part (not easy to do I'm sure with all the stress you are going through).

As others have said your BF is a bully, it's hard to escape this type of person as the constant stress ends up numbing your mind and draining your body.  Is there somewhere nice and peaceful you can go on your walks?  Somewhere you can sit and take stock of your situation. 

It is hard to leave someone you have been with a long time but he is doing to you what he claims you are doing to your pup, being unfair and cruel, you don't deserve his abuse. 

I really feel for you, a horrible relationship is the worse feeling in the world but getting out of a horrible relationship is the best feeling in the world.  Many of us have been there and the relief is immense, the sense of peace and tranquillity is healing to body and mind.  Good luck with whatever you decide.
Mel

Oh boy, never understood why people put up with someone else trying to control them they do that by using your weaknesses against you, belittling you and dragging up any little failing you've ever had to make you feel weak and vulnerable, know the type well, I've advised many a friend of mine to kick these types to the curb you can spot them a mile off.

You are your own person and your thoughts and feelings are important, if a man shouted in my face and made me feel mentally subservient he would be gone! Plenty more fish in the sea hun, you only have one life (well, depending on your beliefs) so live it, don't spend it miserable and worried that you are going to upset him or waiting for a backlash, he respects you or he is gone. And please do not allow him to bully you in saying he will get rid of the pup, the pup is yours and you need to send him away with a flea in his ear. Stand up for yourself please, you will feel so much better. :-)

Now, as regards to the pup, she was showing signs of separation anxiety if I remember correctly so you are teaching her to not be so dependent on you for her sake as well as yours and to feel happy to be alone for a little while, or sitting away from you, sounds like you are doing a great job and you will eventually build this dogs confidence, the breed is very sensitive she needs a calm household feeling your upset and your boyfriends aggressive bullying will upset her no end, you don't want a nervous dog and this breed can become very timid if frightened. What a pups learn during the first few months of it's life moulds it's character, sometimes it is hard to ever correct, so be very aware of this.

So for her sake too, sort things out away from your home where she cannot hear raised voices and upset, well I guess your child should have the same too even more importantly, do not allow your child to see you continually coheresed and mentally pulled down, not good for any of you in this household.

You're doing great with your pup, she needs to feel happy and independent and respectful of her owner.

Now, if only you could do the same with the boyfriend.................

Pup - spot on, keep it up.  All dogs need a bit of independance

Bloke - not worth the oxygen he's wasting.  For one thing, I would put money on the idea that how he behaves with pup is deliberate, to undermine you, to ruin all your hard work as another means of controlling you.  Especially the open defiance of you asking him not to encourage her on to the sofa.

For another, if he gave you the pup he can't sell her or give her away - she was a gift, which makes her legally yours.

And one last thing - change the locks.  No ifs, no buts, no second chances - lock him out and have done with him, he will only get worse.  Not only is he a bully and an emotional abuser (classed as domestic abuse, I'm pretty sure), but I have no doubt he's making your existing anxiety problems worse by wearing down your self-confidence.

You need to get him out of your life for good.  Sorry to be harsh but there's no gentle way to say it - get rid!

I agree with all the others, it is your boyfriend you have to do something about not your dog.

You have the advantage of not sharing a home with him, a trap so many women are held in when coping with an abusive situation and this definately is one.

Tell him kindly enough, I dare say he has issues of low esteem or depression himself by his behaviour, but be firm and say your life has moved on and you need different things now.  Don't be frightened you will be lonely, living with someone like him makes you lonely.  A whole new, rewarding social life awaits :).

Don't feel sorry for him, after all, in 5 years he has not made any commitment to you.  I don't know if it is you that has declined any offer of marriage or even living together but either way there clearly hasn't been an acceptable offer of commitment made.

>I was married to this man!!!!!!!!

You can't have been.  It sounds like my husband. 

Thank you all for all your comments :) Yes he does use my bad past experiences agenst me, things i never want to think off again, things from my relationship with my sons dad, he has never supported me with these things just used um agenst me and actually miniked them to me. I no it sounds weird but i no exactly what he is doing and trying to do, i no he is trying to ruin all my little confidence that is left, i no he is bullying me, i no i have no friends left because of him i no its not my fault when he says it is etc etc im not someone who cant see what is happening, i can, and i still put up with it, really sad i no. And i no that the flowers and chocolates now and again are to make me stay, but i dont allow myself to think that. All that i am writing down is making me say to myself why the hell am i with him, and i dont no why or what i am holding on for. I no he loves me, in his own way. I think maybe from hearing about his past, his mum having 5 children by 5 dads and then also bringing in many other men to play dad to him and a few of those were abusers emotionally and physically which he saw the whole time of growing up, i think it is all he noes, i have never spoken to him about it just his mother. I think its not that he dont love me i think he does what he does becasue of very low self asteem and the fact he needs professional help over his childhood. Or am i just kidding myself?? And as opposed to the dog, he has no idea what he is talking about, he as 3 shitzu's (sorry about the spellig), they are his mums, and i have to say they are very bad behaved, constant barking, biting, growling, begging for food, weeing and pooing in the house, and they bark at him when ever he goes into the kitchen which he tells them off for but then gives um a treat at the same time and he dont listen to me when i try to explain how that is bad, and they dont get walked either, never been walked in the 4 years i have been with him, which is prob y they are bad behaved, but again he wont listen when itry to explain. I no my pup has a few behavour isseus due to me but nothing compared to how those 3 little dogs run riot so surely he can see what ever i am doing with mine as opposed to him and his mum with theres is a good thing and should be supported. I no i am doing right now, and i will keep moaning and telling him things when t comes to my dog and not back down when he does not listen. Like i said i am the one who spends all day and night with her and i cant handle the way things were/still are . And separation anxiety is horrible for a dog to have, i dont want to see her that wound up, that is what is cruel for her :( And i am just helping her by not constantly cuddling her. So dont worry every1 i will not give up and go back to my same routine, no mater how hard it is, i have really had to battle with myself the past few days because she has also become my security, when my son is at his dads and the bf has put me down she is my rock and cuddles helped me through it all, so this change was hard for me, but the best thing for her, so only forwards and never backwards :) Thanks again to everyone who posted :)

> Don't feel sorry for him, after all, in 5 years he has not made any commitment to you. 

No he hasnt. he is 30 years old and still lives with his mum and his mum does everythink for him. He want get a home with me because he dont want to loose her, he said the other day he wanted to move away to a different area and actually said, once we move his mum up to that area he will have all he needs :o I was so angry, why is he acting like such a child. I think the more i tell him how bad this situation is the more he listens, slowly. He has never had sunday dinner with me and my son as a family becasue he dont want to upset his mum, even tho she has 7 people roand for dinner, and he has never stopped the night with me incase it upsets her. She is a very childish women and she is holding onto him and she makes him feel guilty all the time when he ent there, its like she resents him having a gf.

> She is a very childish women and she is holding onto him and she makes him feel guilty all the time when he ent there, its like she resents him having a gf.

I suspect he will be manipulating her in the same way as he does you.  
I think you should stop analysing his problems, you will never be able to sort them I am sure of that and, frankly, he does not deserve the attention.  He is a grown man now and needs to sort it out himself but of course why should he try when he has you and mother. 
You will be doing him a favour too if leave him to sort his own life out and you can get on with getting your life back into the shape you deserve :)

Your situation mirrors my past exactly! I was married to a toad like this for a long time. The emotional/ psychological abuse started gently and over time just got worse and worse. I used to be ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone what my husband was doing and saying to me because i thought they would agree with him and think that it was me that was the bad person.
When my son was two yrs old my ex husband was having one of his tantrums again and my son was hanging on to my jumper screaming. It was at this point i knew this mental torture had to stop. I moved out the following day while he was at work. I packed up everything that was mine and my sons. I was sofa surfing for a while until my local council re-housed us. 
My ex sent me begging cards, flowers & chocolates but there was no way i was ever going to put my son or myself through any more torment from him. I know it takes a lot of courage to stand up to people like him but you can do it.
My ex even put a stop to me going bingo with my friends!!!! How ridiculous is that!!!! You must not feel sorry for him. If he has issues from his past or present then he must sort them out himself, not bring you down with him.
Once i was rid of my ex i went back to college. It helped me immensely with my confidence and i found some very nice friends too. I signed up to all sorts of courses, gardening, family history and creative writing. I even won a holiday to Spain for 6 people with a poem i wrote at college. I put my son into the chreche so that i knew he was just next door. Short taster courses to begin with as i didn't want to over do it. 
I look back now at that part of my life and wonder why on earth i put up with it! I know i'm worth 100 of him.
Be kind to YOUR needs! You really are stronger than you think. :-)

Think  your  doing  fine  with  your  pup,  but  id  get  rid  of  the BF!xxx

Get rid of the boyfriend... simple!  No really, I know it's not, but he's no good and never going to be, you and your dog will be fine on your own....

> Once i was rid of my ex i went back to college. It helped me immensely with my confidence and i found some very nice friends too. I signed up to all sorts of courses, gardening, family history and creative writing. I even won a holiday to Spain for 6 people with a poem i wrote at college. I put my son into the chreche so that i knew he was just next door. Short taster courses to begin with as i didn't want to over do it. 
>

Zebedee, what a fantastic role model you are for others stuck in these situations.  You should be so proud of yourself :)

Hi. I am reluctant to end the relationship. While i was with  my ex partner (my sons dad) i was suffering with post natal depression, and even tho i can see now the relationship was not bad and the few prob we had were well workable, i ended it, the post natal depression clouded my judgement and as i had no idea at the time the illness i was battling with i thought it was him making me so unhappy. I no understand it was not. It was a good thing i finished it tho becasue the things he done to me after the relationship ended were truly unforgivable things, things i am still constantly battling with now and things my current partner threatens to do to me himself. My ex ended up running away with my 6month old baby (one of the unforgivable things he did), i didnt see my child for 6months becasue of his dad wanting to punish me for breaking his heart, it got took to court and i was only aloud access for a few hours a week, was worst time of my life, becasue i had not seen my baby for so long i had to build it back up slowly, and then contact increased, but i was constantly having to prove myself to courts, mediatore and even friends and family that i was a good mother. And in the end the courts awarded us joint custody. Only having part of the week with my son since then becasue of what he did to me and not becasue of my own actions. It urts so much even to this day is harder than anything else life throws at me. My partner noes this but i have no support just threats it will happen again. So even tho i am happy i ended it with the ex becasue his true colours came out after, i still have loads of regrets as i split up my family and my babys life due to being so hasty and giving up. The regret still eats me up, and i dont think i can live with any more regrets, and im scared i will regret giving up on this relationship also.

Zebedee, what a fantastic role model you are for others stuck in these situations.  You should be so proud of yourself
Thank you stooge.
I'll be honest I've been to hell and back so many times in various situations. My dad often says i really should write a book about it all as this is just a tiny snippet of my life but i just get up and dust myself down again. My son and my dogs are the best friends i'll ever have. I couldn't have got through it without them. Irreplaceable! :-) 

I lived with one for ten years and it got to the stage of physical violence that woke myself up to do something about it in the end.

I never looked back and have now been happily married for 11 years to a man who has done nothing but support and encourage me to follow what ever path I wanted. It took a while to build my confidence back up but now there is no stopping me !!  He is a very patient man !!

It even took my daughter until last year to admit what her father really is and now she understands why I ended the marriage :-)

> but i was constantly having to prove myself to courts, mediatore and even friends and family that i was a good mother. And in the end the courts awarded us joint custody.

That cannot have been easy to achieve but you did it. You have things to be proud of too and you must learn to focus on them.  It is not the difficulties that we have that define us but the way we tackle them.

> im scared i will regret giving up on this relationship also.

You won't.  Your boyfriend is not offering a proper relationship with commitment and consideration.  You really won't miss what he is offering.

Your boyfriend of 5yrs has never had Sunday lunch with you because he doesn't wish to upset his mother????????

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!

Please, listen to yourself, if this man ever cuts the apron strings, if, what good is he ever going to be as a husband or role model to your son, what does he have to offer you? I know you are going to offer yourself as his forever skivvy by the sounds of it, is he going to offer you security, loyalty, friendship, always being the most important thing in his life and a life of  happiness, because that is what we all deserve from a partner.

You can not compare this relationship to your last, and tbh people are at their most vengeful when hurt, if you still love your ex and he still you, you could both swallow your pride and try again and forgive each other...........

Ending relationships is hard this one has gone on far too long and he is just comfortable in having his cake and eating it, don't you feel you deserve better? If not, why not?

I would keep him as a friend if you can't let go properly and then at least you are free to eventually feel happy being totally independent or even giving someone else the chance to enter your life and give you what you deserve.

i do not love my ex any more, i care about him as he was a huge part of my life and my sons father, but i can never love him after putting me through so much with my baby, plus the other things he did also, violating me in ways no women should be. Plus he is married now, and if he wasnt and i ended up getting back with him it would only be because i would then have my son one hundred percent, and i think that would be less of a life for me and my boy if that was the case. But i do feel guilt for my son having a 'split' life :( It is very hard to end this current relationship of mine, there is still something very strong holding me back, not sure what tho atm. Maybe i should be strong and see how much he wants me or loves me and telling him all concerns i have and why i dont want to be with him and finish it untill he sorts himself out, and if he does and he comes back to me (he never has before when i ended it i ended up running to him and asking for forgiveness) then he loves me, ill just be strong this time and not run back.

>but i was constantly having to prove myself to courts, mediatore and even friends and family that i was a good mother.

It takes a strong person to come through this, proving you are a good mother and a strong person, even though you don't feel strong

As children grow, they become aware of relationships without understanding them, and the adults in their life become role models, good or bad.... sadly in this relationship with your BF, the child could see you BF as the role model, and accept that this behaviour is not only normal, but perfectly acceptable.  Please do not allow your child to grow up in such an environment... one happy parent is far more rewarding to a child than two unhappy and angry parents. 

Think of what your BF has gone through in his childhood, and look at how he turned out... do not allow your child to be a product of a similar relationship...

You ARE strong, you have proved that

But i no all this, so what is holding me back? :( what am i clinging onto? :( i was strong enough in the past and i do class myself as a strong individual, so why cant i end this?? xx

I really think some counselling would be really beneficial as I think there are quite a few issues you need to talk through to get a clear mind and a way forward in your life.

It sounds like you are having to make too many comprises in the belief that is the only way you can be happy.

You need to be able to believe in yourself and gain the respect for yourself again as it sounds like over the last few years it has been gradually eaten away.

Have you thought about chatting to your GP ? It will be really worth it as taking the first step will be hard but the rest of the steps will become easier as you gain your confidence back

The most important person in your life right now is your son. He will always come first, second, third and so-on, on your list of priorities. If you can make a clean break with that cling on aka your bf, i dare bet other areas in your life will gradually fall into place and the whole world will suddenly seem so much brighter.
You need all your energy for your son. Real quality time spent having fun. Reading to him, time at the park, watching t.v. together etc. Don't waste another ounce of your energy on your bf. He is holding you back from having a true and meaningful relationship with your son. My first Christmas alone with my son was very hard. I had £10 to spend on a present for him. I found all that i needed at a bootsale. Thomas the tank engine books and videos. He loved them and had no understanding that they were in fact second hand. He just loved the cuddles & kisses and having stories read to him. That is where your energy & time is most needed and wanted.
My ex was a real mummy's boy. I'm not kidding either. When we went house hunting, he would take his mum in to view the house and leave me to sit it out in the car! What a muppet i was! 

LurcherOwner - I do feel for you in this difficult situation. The only thing I would say to you is from my own experience - it is far lonelier to be with a person who doesn't value you than it is to be on your own.
I wish you the best of luck - counselling sounds like a really good idea.

I do understand why you find it hard to get rid of this person - really, I have been there.

You however, ARE a strong person, you KNOW you can more than just survive, without him - you are NOT alone  by any stretch of the imagination because you have your child AND your dog, AND all the people here on champdogs.

Once you get rid of this horrible, manipulative bully (who believe me, does not love you, he loves that he can manipulate you!) you can sort out friendships, make new friends and get on with your life!

Try not to see the ending of this relationship as the end of something good, because it isn't - see it as the START of something much better, your freedom to be who you want to be and do what you want to do, the way YOU want to do it!

> It is very hard to end this current relationship of mine, there is still something very strong holding me back, not sure what tho atm.

What is holding you back is doubt. You doubt your own thoughts becasue of the way he is manipulating you, it's all part of how these horrid people work.
My sister has been through the same, twice. She is now singal and allthough she would love to be in a good relathionship, she'd far rather be on her own than with another man that makes her life a misery.
Her last fellow was a nasty piece of work (so was her first fellow, but the last one was an ace at his 'game' and could work his 'magic' on a wider audience than just one person).
Our family has always been very close, but this man managed to chip away and seperate her from us (me & dad). He managed to play us all, get us all at each other with lies untill we all doubted each other. He then had her all to himself, all under his controll. The smarmy charm he showed her faded quickly. He moved into her flat, took over her life and wore her into the ground. It ended dramatically when he smashed up her flat and she ended up fleeing hysterically through town, bare-footed, looking for a 'phone box to ring for help. When my dad turned up, her fello was sat as calm as anything in the midst of the ruined flat as if butter wouldn't melt. This horrible excuse of a man is my husbands brother
Despite seeing his nasty side, even once seperated he still had some strange hold over her and managed to convice her out for a meal, a meal over which they would rekindle thier lovely relathionship.

She turned up, very happy, excited to be getting back with him (crikey, she cringes at the thought now!). He sat there, all lovely, they ordered thier meals, he calmly stood up and tipped her meal over her head, telling her what he really thought of her. That was the last humiliation she could take form him and thankfully it opened her eyes.

I have seen how manipulative people like your BF can worm thier way into peoples heads and mess up how they think. It is the very fact your BF is such a manipulative bully that makes you unable to see things clearly, it's how they work, how they continue to get away with it.
I don't know what to suggest to help you, other than seeing a Dr. If your BF has worn you down to depression, maybe getting help for the depression would give you a window of opportunity to see things clearly, to be able to think clearly and to be able to think your own thoughts, not the thoughts that's he's planted into your head with his manipulative ways?

> But i do feel guilt for my son having a 'split' life

Don't feel guilty atall.  Your son will see you for what you are, a loving mother that has done all she can to do the best for her child, that is what matters.

As much as you love him you must learn to love yourself more. If he loved you he would want to make you happy instead he destoys your confidence so that you stay with him.

I have been in a similar relationship and moaned about it but thought I loved him so put up with it. Someone said if you behave like a doormat you'll get treated like one! Harsh but true.

If you stay with him you're going to be unhappy for years. If you split you'll be unhappy for a few months but then gradually regain your confidence and feel happy again.

Right then what exactly are this scumbags endearing qualities? 
He does not live with you so presumably you and you alone are responsible for rent/rates/mortgage etc. So you are not tied to him because of finances.
Emotional support? I seriously doubt he provides any support to you.
Does he value you as a person?
Does he give you any respect?
Does he treat you as a person at all?
My guess the answer to all those questions is no.
If you think for one second that he will change his ways then think again because folk like him only get worse (I know cos I've been there,done that and have the tee shirt)
Honestly you need to get rid of him full stop as soon as possible.
You do not need him,you definitely can do a lot better than him and your son deserves better than him.
You can stand up for yourself,you've done it before, you can do it again. You,your son and your puppy can survive and thrive without nasty little bullies.
Keep up the good work with your puppy,you are heading the right way with him. Just take things steady.

LurcherOwner please, re-read everything you've written - there is nothing good about this man and you need to get rid NOW :-(

It was bad enough until you wrote about your ex doing horrible things, then your current BF threatening to do the same things - that is despicable, and absolute piece of trash and pathetic excuse for a human who does not deserve to be in the same airspace as you, never mind a relationship.

I agree that he is probably manipulating his mother as well - as you say, he was raised seeing that behaviour directed at her so will probably think it's the done thing.

You ask why you can't leave - ML got it right I reckon, it's doubt.  And a hefty dose of lack of confidence too - the emotional abuse this @rse has been throwing at you does that, that's the whole point.  You still have the strength to walk away - if you were that weak you wouldn't be able to continue standing up to him about the pup and the situation.  You don't need to move out so it's not as hard as you think - just tell him where to go and change those locks.

To quote you:

> he never has before when i ended it i ended up running to him and asking for forgiveness

He does not love you, I'm sorry :-( As has been said - he loves that he can control you.  He also knows that he doesn't have to fight for the relationship or even try because you will give in and go back - you need to walk away and never look back, show him that you are strong (and I 100% believe you are more than strong enough) and show him that his pathetic actions will no longer work.

Having read all this it sounds just like where I was 5 years ago. I honestly think you need some help from people who know how hard this is to make the break. Please consider ringing either Women's Aid or the people at The Refuge. He may not be living with you but no woman deserves to live like that. I'm still on my own with my children after escaping, however its made me realise that I do not need to be in a relationship to be happy. Regarding your pup, I'd write a list of rules, even if you make up a fake vet or trainer headed paper to go at the top. That way its not you its what you've been told to do. It's not how it should be, but it might just help a bit.

It's not that he sits there and deviously thinks of ways to hurt and reward and I think this is why the other halves in these relationships continually forgive but it is just a natural way that these types operate and they do not change.

I know a lot of people do get caught up in this never ending circle of humiliate and crush, followed by the obvious reward with a sorry, tears or flowers, then a build up of complements and I love you's again to make the person feel dependent for the good times and the feeling special moments, but yet again then followed by the crush and humiliation.

It never stops and it is a circle you have to escape from because 'normal' relationships are just not like this, my husband would never, ever say a mean thing to me or humiliate me, infact I would think he had a mental illness if he did that and there are thousands of men out there just like that, you don't have to or need to put up with the bad to get the good too. When you love someone your just not mean to them.

Once you get over the fear and dependancy you'll hold your head up and make the decision that is right for you, never, ever chase a man, never, ever allow yourself to be bullied by one and you will attract all the right men. I dare say once this boyfriend sees a new confident you he will run for the hills as you will no longer be his type, come on......... the Sunday lunch thing and no real commitment should have had red flags smacking you in the face :-D

You know what he's doing and I know you think your above it all, but he's still got you where he wants you so he's still winning even though you are intelligent enough to understand how he is operating. Stand your ground and see what happens........ you may turn him around, but I  think you deserve much better personally. :-)

My daughter lived for years with a bully and kept the worst aspects of the relationship to herself because she was ashamed and he managed to convince her that it was her fault - she made him act like that. She put up with it because she felt it was failing to call time on a marriage and felt the kids needed 2 parents.
It wasn't until my son (her brother) suddenly died of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome that she woke up and realised that this isn't a rehearsal, this is the only life we get and there is no point in wasting any of it  in being unhappy.
She was petrified at the thought of being alone and having to cope on her own because he had convinced her that she was so useless. But she has coped, she has flourished and is now taking a degree with the Open University. The kids are happy and much more stable now that they aren't being exposed to all that anger and bitterness.
It is a scary step to take, but you have the support of everyone on here and trust me, it is worth it in the long run :)
*Hugs* xx

LurcherOwner, I think he's being cruel and unfair to YOU. It's fine to ensure your puppy learns to spend time on her own--it's all about creating a balance between play, training, exercise and rest, especially for a little one. A crate is a useful option and it's far easier to get her used to it as a pup. It should be her safe space and frankly your boyfriend is an idiot if he only sees it as the equivalent of punishment block. Sorry for being blunt.

Leave him xxxxx
When I split from my husband, I wondered if I had done the right thing (my boys were 4yo  and 5 months old) My mum asked me a question, one I will never forget.....
"Do you miss him because you love him, or do you miss him like you would miss a walking stick you have had for 5 years???"
Made me think, and yes, it was the later.
Good luck in whatever you decide, but I think your first point of call should be your doctors......and be refered to a councillor.
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Lea xxxx

No one on the planet has the right to treat you in that way, you deserve love, compassion, support and understanding from your partner, not belittlement, mental cruelty, and indifference, this man is a user and abuser plain and simple, give him the elbow and he'll eventually creep off to find some other victim to bully.

One of my friends had the same sort of man, for 30 years he put her down and wore away at her self worth, until one day she bit back, told him to go, now she is happy, content, has had several " toy boys " and today she is in Bali on a 6 month adventure, her life has opened up and she's free to live her life as she sees fit. She had two children and a mortgage with this man, it can be done, you just have to have courage and believe in yourself.

Wishing you strength and bravery ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) 

When you get five minutes to yourself, grab a pen and paper and write down all your dreams. Things you want to do with your life. It doesn't matter if it's something for next week, next month or years to come. It doesn't matter how daft they might sound either. Just write them down. Things you might want to do to treat yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to how ever near or far away. One day you will begin to cross off that to do list. Sooner or later those dreams and ideas that you have on your list will become so desirable  they will far outweigh what your bf can offer you and walking away from him will become so very easy. You will look at your list with a big cheesy grin and say to yourself "I can do such and such now he's gone" It is the best feeling in the world.
Things i used to have on my list were daft but it helped me immensely eg
New clothes
Go to the pub with my sister
Buy a bar of my favourite chocolate
Take my son to the zoo/city farm
Bake cakes with my son
Have a lay in bed with coffee & tv on a Sunday morning
Get my hair cut
Legs waxed
Catch three buses to go to Wansted flats with my dogs
Go on a farm holiday with my son
and i always wanted to have some ducks of my own but that's one i haven't got round to just yet!
I can assure you all of the above were forbidden in my marriage with my ex. He was an absolute control fanatic. Goodness knows what i saw in him.
When i started doing the things on my list, it was like i had been set free from some kind of prison. Life had never felt so damn good.

OMG !! It is so overwhelming all the advice and SUPPORT you have all shown, something i have never had before in my life, even from family. You ALL have me welling up with how kind you are being. It is such a relief to be shown their are people who are on my side and who actually care. I didnt no it existed :) !!! And yes I have taken it all on board and I AM a strong person, i no that, and so hopefully very soon I can make the changes in my life and the life of my family :) !! To no their are loads others who have been in the same situation as me and have come out the other end in a far better position is really inspiring. Thanks to all for your advice and thanks to all who have shared their own personal experiences. :') :') xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

> When you get five minutes to yourself, grab a pen and paper and write down all your dreams.

I am going to do exactly that right now :) Thank you :) xx

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You will get through this, and you will feel all the better once you have your life back in your control.

You will get through this LO and you will be stronger for it ;)

If you only allow people around you who make you feel good, then you will start to recover.   Life is too short to spend it feeling guilty,  bad, frightened, worried etc.    And you deserve so much better than that - YOU really are worth it :)

{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}

I think you've had some wonderful advice and support here, and I don't really have anything to add except that I once saw an excellent forum linked to on some discussoin thread, which explained how everything your boyfriend is doing to you is in fact serious emotional abuse which erodes self confidence and fills a person with self doubt. I can't think offhand what it was but perhaps you can find it or similar via Google? :)

I love the suggestion to write down your dreams :)

Also, I believe there may be organisations and certainly counsellors who can help you work it through if you need to and who can help you see that you are worth far more than you think.

As for your dog - firstly there is nothing wrong with lots of cuddles and love, BUT the dog must also learn to be happily away from you in the household as well. It's called "home alone" training and is actually something a lot of people tend to leave out, but is essential for a happy dog if you are ever to go out and leave it (which most of us do, on occasions!).

So you need the balance - don't force her, just do it gently and help her to enjoy it. So for example put her behind a child gate so she can see you but is away from you,  but with a nice juicy bone or stuffed kong. In time she will get used to you doing things without her, for example going in the garden, if she usually goes with you, some of the time you can suggest to her that she stays where she is ( I used the phrase "hold on" or "Back soon"). Giving dogs cues to understand enables them to make some sense of the world. Does that make sense?
Also you could invest in some good puppy books which give advice about this sort of thing. Dr Ian Dunbar and Gwen Bailey are often good bets.

Kindest regards and good luck, perhaps this is the new start for you? I hope so.

Lindsay
xxx

LurcherOwner, I think you will find that most if not all of us are able to speak from direct experience of this--and you can take heart from the fact that when we are ready, we can get through it. The worst thing about being in your situation is feeling like you're on your own, that it's your fault, and that no one else cares or is interested. It's not easy to talk to family either--I certainly didn't, I was too ashamed. You have lots of friends on here to come to when you need support, just take things one step at a time and you will get to where you want to be xxxxxx

So he had a hard childhood...Boo Hoo!!! Then he more than any other person should be more considerate of other peoples feelings. At 30 years of age he should be living his own life and if his mother is still ruling him now she'll be doing it till the day she dies and that could take some time.

He is probably frustrated by his own life and belittles others to make himself feel better. He sounds like every bully I've ever come across and I've come across some, had some very physical experiences with one ex, the ex who was very similar to your current BF. And I noticed the other day that the ex has separated yet again from another marriage and is back home with his loving mummy!! The mummy who mollycoddled him to death, to the point of not being able to maintain a proper relationship.

I was frightened at the time to move on but was the best thing I EVER did. Would never have met my hubbie or had my 2 boys if I'd stayed with him, would have had a life of beatings and emotional abuse. The best revenge(poor choice of words) is to walk away, not be bitter and LIVE well. Don't take on his baggage let him carry his own weight but work through why you feel you have to settle for this man,don't you deserve to have someone adore you for you, your flaws and all your glory??