after a bit of advice really. My daughter and her husband have been on benefits for a while since he was made redundant. She has just started work but there seems to be a gap between the social stopping the benefit and her getting her first wage. She has just rung me to ask if I can lend her some money. Now I don't mind helping her out of a hole but this is not the first time she has asked for money. a couple of years ago I helped bail her out of bank problems to the tune of several hundred pounds and there have been multiple requests for £20 here £30 there. I have not asked for the money to be repaid but neither have they offered or said they were trying to repay it. To get the job she needed a crb check which I have paid for.
I am not well off myself but feel really guilty if I don't lend her the money. I won't ask for it back but I wish she would maybe offer to repay it. I know she is struggling for money so am I being really mean if I say no this time? Especially as I could give her the money if I don't enter the show I was planning to.
Opinions please. Thanks

There is a job grant available to those moving off benefits and into work

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Employedorlookingforwork/DG_10018789

I would suggest she gets in touch with Jobcentre Plus.

She may be able to get the money for the CRB check back. If she needs it for the job then the emplyer should be the one that pays for it.
I'm sure if you explain that you are tight for money (as we all are these days) then she will understand. Shes old enough to be standing on her own two feet now. And if she wants to LEND the money and you can afford to give it to her short term then stress that you do need it to be paid back - even if its on a repayment bsis of a few pounds a month.
You are not being really mean at all :-)

Would asking for a crisis loan help ? these can be arrange more or less instantly not necessarily much but may help

I feel for you it is a place I know and a hard one to deal with as a parent x

She may be able to get the money for the CRB check back. If she needs it for the job then the emplyer should be the one that pays for it.

You'd think so, wouldn't you--but I know of at least one big name charity with a turnover of £30m+ that insists on prospective employees paying for their own.

It's not easy, is it--I can imagine how stressful you find this request, especially coming on top of numerous other occasions. You are certainly NOT being mean to ask for the money back and if anything you have been only too generous in the past. It sounds as though you need to have a frank discussion with her to say that while in the past you have lent her money with no expectation of receiving it back, times are hard for everyone and you can only do this on the basis that it is repaid. I would suggest a time scale as well, and make it clear that if that's not acceptable she is free to look elsewhere. I don't want to pry into your personal circumstances, but has her husband asked his parents?

I stand corrected :-)  I've always worked for LEA's and Councils and presumed the private sector would work on the same basis. The naughty so & so's!

Don't think in the long run you are doing them any favours, they like others must find out how to cope. If you must give them the money then insist on a proper arrangement for it to be paid back, tell her you are also finding things difficult and have no one to turn to, she really will need to learn to manage as you may not be able to help in the future.

She should be entitled to a £250 back to work grant.  She should have notifed the tax credit people to say she has started work as she will be entitled to Working Tax Credit as well as Child Tax Credit providing she is working more than 16 hours a week.  If they are claiming housing benefit then they will get a 4 week roll over so this will cover the month before any wages are paid if paid monthly.  If done right and the relevant people are notified there is no reason for money to be short.  I know as I have done this myself.

HTH.

Thanks for the info. I will discuss with her to see if she is nt claiming something she should be.

> It's not easy, is it--I can imagine how stressful you find this request, especially coming on top of numerous other occasions. You are certainly NOT being mean to ask for the money back and if anything you have been only too generous in the past. It sounds as though you need to have a frank discussion with her to say that while in the past you have lent her money with no expectation of receiving it back, times are hard for everyone and you can only do this on the basis that it is repaid. I would suggest a time scale as well, and make it clear that if that's not acceptable she is free to look elsewhere. I don't want to pry into your personal circumstances, but has her husband asked his parents?

I don't know if her husband has asked his mother this time. I did find out that she was also paying out lots to try to sort out their money problems 2 years ago.

Im think I will need to have a chat with her and tell her I just can't bail her out every time. I have 3 other children and the don't come asking for money like she does and if they do borrow they also pay it back or offer to.

> She may be able to get the money for the CRB check back. If she needs it for the job then the emplyer should be the one that pays for it.

I am not sure if they will pay. I thought they should pay for it but my daughter said they wouldn't pay in case she didn't take the job for any reason and they would be out of pocket.

Lilyowen, his mother may have come to the same conclusion as you--this is an ongoing problem which is more than can be solved by occasional loans, let alone gifts of money. You rightly say that if your other children asked for help like this you simply wouldn't be able to do it. Your daughter or her husband should ring Citizen's Advice Bureau for an appointment to get independent advice, and they can help with arranging reduced payments to creditors while they get back on their feet. 

> but my daughter said they wouldn't pay in case she didn't take the job for any reason and they would be out of pocket.

If it is a job where you are working with children / vulnerable adults etc then legally a CRB needs to be done.
If it is a private emplyer that does it to check your past who then discovers a criminal history is it money well spent on their part that they have discovered BEFORE employing you.
In most contracts there are clauses about paying back certain amounts if you leave the job within a certain time frame so i would imagine the cost of a CRB could be clawed back.

i sympathise with you my brother was always doing this to my mum, when he started work and 4 months into work he was still borrowing and never paying it back, i tried to drop gentle hints to mum like he is 30 plus he needs you to stop bailing him out,he is living beyond his means so stop the money nothing then we worked it out my dad and me on how much he was getting a month, with the working tax credit,family tax credit,wage,family allowance etc he was getting over 1,500 a month and still could not live on it, when dad realised he stopped my mum giving him anything at all my brother had a strop spoilet brat, but he has never asked again, the bank of mum and dad sometimes has to close .

I think it is difficult for anyone to give advice to others on how to deal with their children as we can all be subjective about other peoples' kids but it is a different thing when emotions are involved which they are with our own chidren.  All I will say is that if you have to ask others' opinions, then you shouldn't lend it. :)

My brother constantly does this to my parents.  He gets himself into debt and then my parents bail him out when the red letters come through the door.  I told my parents on numerous occassions to stop this as they both need to work full-time to keep their own heads above water but to no avail.  They kept paying and he kept not repaying.  Eventually, I had to point out to my parents how unfair the entire situation was to both them and me.  He was a single guy getting regular help/hand outs while I was scraping about trying to make ends meet with only my OH working to support our young family.  After they seen it from my point of view, the hand-outs stopped and he then tried me!! To no avail!!  Sounds selfish but could you afford to do this for all your kids?  If not, then you shouldn't just be helping out one.