I've been toying with this for a while and just not sure how to deal with this..
I have a friend whom I get on well with, the thing is she is not the easiest of people to get on with shall we say.

Since she met her boyfriend and moved in with him she has changed, for the better in some respects as not so hot headed. However when she has a problem she starts talking about it, you know the drill you want to disect it and try and get right into it and find options and solutions.. Well I do with all my other friends, however as soon as you try and do that she clams up and refuses to talk about it, and conversation these days just doesn't flow very well, its very one sided shall we say and she doesn't like to speak about herself in any detail..
I'm just finding it very difficult to be around her as you want a conversation with friends to flow and not struggle to think of the next topic to talk about, I just wonder if this friendship has come to an end now??
As for approaching her about this matter, well as I said she will refuse to talk about anything she doesn't feel comfortable about and also she has a tendency to be quite the moody one..
This does paint a rather negative picture of her, she is a lot of fun when she wants to be, not seen that in a while..

Any suggestions??

Perhaps she feels that she doesn't want to discuss personal things - that it would be a betrayal of trust? How do the conversations flow when you're chatting about impersonal things, where it's not like washing your dirty linen in public?

Betrayal of trust? Oh god I hope not.. Of all the things I've told her and opened up to her with..

Anyway back to the other question, it's still one sided, she doesn't seem to have many interests to talk about. She has a new house with her b/f and you ask questions about that and the garden etc and her response is "fine", you try and delve further and she clams up, so its back to talking about me and the dogs, which is fine but its not quite the way I like a friendship to work. She's in the same line of work as me and again you ask her about that and its also "fine".. If she gives anything else away and you ask a question she clams up again..I want a conversation to flow easily and not be forced and be made to feel bad as i've asked a question..

Another good friend of mine confided in me recently saying that she won't be around this girl as she has a habit of making her feel very small and stupid.. Which apparently has been going on for years, but to please me she's put up and said nothing.. :-( I feel bad now.. arghh..

I guess your friend may have great difficulty trusting people because of past experiences or she is simply naturally very reserved and private- some are.

I think that true friendship is based on accepting each other, warts and all and provided there isn't some massive betrayal of trust. One cannot expect to get everything one may want or need from a friendship. There is also the tendency to think that if a friend does not deliver according to expectation that there is somehow a fault to be fixed, either with them or with us. Perhaps you just need to accept that this friendship works on a certain level- having fun but not necessarily relationship analysis. The latter is best done with other friends who feel comfortable with the territory.

Friendships that don't work, or have changed, have a natural way of tailing off as you don't seek out each others company so much.

I think if you feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to talk about then I would just tell her how you feel and then say the ball is her court when she feels ready to talk. in the meantime you will always be there for her but you will put some distance between you as it feels better that way.

It may sound a bit selfish but there is more to life than worrying about other people's feeling and sometimes you have to put yourself first :-) friendship is a two way relationship and this one sounds like it is is sort of one way traffic :-)

Since she met her boyfriend and moved in with him she has changed

You don't think that could be something to do with it? Such as her BF not being very nice.....I know first hand how much that changes people and how some abusive partners want to drive you away from your friends.

Her b/f is lovely, very very laid back and the total opposite to her, really couldn't care less about things if i'm honest. If she wants to go off on holiday without him she can, if she wants to do this, that and the other she can, he doesn't care.. They both have their own lives away from living with each other. I am mindful about abusive relationships, however at this time i'm not seeing any signs of him being controlling or abusive in anyway at this time..

I'm pretty much her only female friend in the area as she has a tendency not to get on well with other females.. As I said she is a difficult character..

Understand fully suejaw, try having a sister-in-law like that

I'm so close to my brothers, my nieces, nephews and all my other sister-in-laws and my friends. I'm very trustworthy and never ever gossip about one to the other and have always thought of myself like you as easy to talk too, everyone else just phones for chats or pops in without invitation, but this one sister-in-law will never open up or be friendly like that. Conversation does not flow naturally, I constantly have to think of subjects like yourself, but get nothing back. She is in fact the sister-in-law who lives the closest and we should be close but after all these years she will never open up, she is the same with my mum and everyone else though, but it does make you feel upset when someone is constantly guarded, she shares nothing about her life even silly things like she has ordered a new suite and is having a different hairstyle. :-D

It used to upset me that she stays continually guarded, as I feel we have missed out on a great friendship, but there is nothing you can do, the only person she talks to is my brother. I've just come to accept that is who she is and she will never really be that friend, or allow me to be a close friend to her,  just an acquaintance in a way, you can't force it, and I guess as I did you need to just stop trying, if it isn't there it isn't there.

I think it hits you harder when you are an open chatty person, you can't change her suejaw so just keep her as a friend in the background. :-)

She is the same with my other sister-in-laws too, so I guess it is not just me, but I hear you it is very hard work when people are constantly guarded,

If she wants to go off on holiday without him she can, if she wants to do this, that and the other she can, he doesn't care.

It's possible that while she seems to have an enviable degree of freedom to do as she likes, he may also expect the same and more. That can be pretty difficult to live with. It's also my experience that people who seem very charming and laidback to their friends can actually be monstrously selfish and manipulative with their partners and family--that also makes it incredibly difficult for their partners to be objective or open about what life together is really like. I found myself in a similar situation some years ago--I won't bore you with the long story but it was very isolating and virtually impossible to talk about this with anyone since everyone though he was wonderful. Although after five years I eventually got him out of my life it has taken much longer to value my own judgement again.

Only one more thought occurs, and it is a bit sweeping, but... I have known a few women who have had horrendous relations with their mother and this seems to have made them wary of just about all other women for life.

Bottom line, if you feel that uncomfortable with someone perhaps it is just best to slowly tail things off, as a relationship that makes you feel on edge or small is probably not one worth pursuing- whatever the reason for it.

> It's also my experience that people who seem very charming and laidback to their friends can actually be monstrously selfish and manipulative with their partners and family--that also makes it incredibly difficult for their partners to be objective or open about what life together is really like.

I have to agree. You say she has changed since she met her present partner most people (not all) if things are going well, at ease & confident with their situation are open and chatty, it's when they become introspective & hesitant closing any querry of interest with 'fine' that I begin to wonder. Stick around for her, one day she might well 'need' to discuss things, people are great at shutting down when having problems, nothing is ever as it seems even in those we 'believe' we know very well.

I have known a few women who have had horrendous relations with their mother and this seems to have made them wary of just about all other women for life.

That may be a sweeping statement freelancerukuk but I have to say it is correct with regards to my sister-in-law she has a terrible relationship with her mother.

I guess it could also be with regards to Suejaw that now that her friend has a boyfriend she sees her as a threat so shuts her out now keeping her at a distance? Seen that happen many times too.

It's all food for thought and something for me to ponder on..She's never been very open with me, even before meeting her current b/f. Her mum does appear to suffer from minor MH which is a burden for her..I'm not sure she even opens up to her b/f even, she is one for bottling everything up..We all know that isn't healthy

It's very much the British way, though - stiff upper lip and not burdening others with your problems. :-)