ok here goes.....bit stuck as to what to do...any ideas??? my mum and her boyfriend (I use the term loosely as shes 80 and hes 92!!!) are on a cruise. She rang me tonight from the ship to say that hes had a heart attack, hes in ships hospital and the ship are getting him back to a hospital in southamptn at the weekend.
He has a son who lives about 60miles from southampton, but hes insistant he doesnt want his son to know hes ill!!! This means my 80 year old mother is having to deal with an ambulance and 4 weeks worth of luggage all on her own , and the worry of the whole situation, without any help from his son. Shes made me promise not to ring his son and ask him to help or even tell him the situation but I really feel quite angry about it as it would be so easy for him to get there and help, if he was told of the situation. Should I break the promise and risk upsetting them, or keep quiet and let her struggle?

Who does your mum's "boyfriend" have listed as next of kin? If they aren't married then surely his next of kin would be his son... unless there are other offspring or a living spouse. So the son might end up being notified anyway, by medics this end.

Not sure what advice to give but I feel for you. We have a sort of similar situation gping on with my Mum and my Aunt it has been so difficult to deal with when your Mum says no and you feel differently.
I must say I would be inclined to tell his son but you know your Mum best and the effect you breaking a promise would have on her and you . We certainly had to allow Mum her wishes against our better judgement.

Two things spring to mind..

How would you feel if it was your mother who had the heart attack, and her boyfreind told his son not to tell you...

or

How selfish is he being making her deal with all this on her own..

Sorry, but my concern would be for my 80year old mother.. this type of stress could put her in a similar situation.. :-(

could you not explain to the son,  that he does not want to alarm him.. and work some sort of (it just slipped out) white lie between you.. at least that lets your mum off the hook, and also means she wont end up having a heart attack herelf

> but hes insistant he doesnt want his son to know hes ill!!

Due to his age could this be because he is worried about being a burden to his son or that he is ashamed of being ill? Men are funny creatures and don't like admitting to being ill, when they are don't we know about it :-D

Anyway, i know what your mum has said, guess she is following her b/f's orders on this, but i would be inclined to have a word with his son. What if something happened and he took a turn for the worse, the son would perhaps not be so forgiving about not knowing when it could of been so easy to pick up the phone?

I don't know... Seriously how upset can your mum and her b/f be if his son did help out, even if he is just 'on call', at least he knows..

Obviously you have contact details for the son, so maybe perhaps between you say he contacted you to see if you knew how the trip was going and you told him,a s you couldn't not tell him seeingf as he had phoned you.

Should I break the promise and risk upsetting them, or keep quiet and let her struggle?

It's an easy one for me, I would never break a confidence or promise made to my mother, (or anyone else) unless she were dying or incapable of making a decision. She's asked you not to tell the son, so you don't, it's not your decision the partner doesn't want it and neither does your mother.

Your main worry is her having to deal with the cases and everything but the people on the ship will be as good as gold with her given her age, they will help with everything, no-one would see an old lady struggle, she won't have to carry anything, they will trolly it all for her or perhaps even forward it to her home address, taxi drivers will also do the carrying for her, (maybe the holiday insurance will cover such things too) someone on the ship will help her to look over everything if she asks for the staff to look through transfers for her lugage etc they will. I've always found the staff on cruises to be extremely helpful, so try not to worry that she has no-one to help her. She will be no doubt be taken in an amubulance once docking.

Better still if your mum is not very forward in asking for help contact the ships HQ or the ship yourself and speak to someone find out what they are doing for her and how they can help, that should settle your mind too.

Unless you can swing what Brainless has suggested, (if the son has your details) then I would leave well alone, it's your mum's wish and you need to abide by it. :-)

> Your main worry is her having to deal with the cases and everything but the people on the ship will be as good as gold with her given her age

Will she have to travel by train on her own when she gets back to Southampton? It is possible to actually book assistance at train stations nowadays, rather like the old-fashioned porters, but it does cost (of course!). I have seen them many times when travelling by train, plus of course most people on a train seeing an elderly person struggling go out of their way to help out of human kindness.

Dont be angry with your mum.....She is respecting his wishes and you must do the same for her.
I am certain she will get all the help required and will ask if she needs more.
I't really is that straight forward, don't feel bad.

Karen

Could you go and meet your mum to help with the luggage and some moral support. You could also tell her how you would feel if it was her that was ill and you weren't allowed to be told. If your mum's boyfriend has travel insurance then the company he is insured with should be able to help out with all the arrangements - and I expect your mum's insurance would also be able to help her with getting home and sorting out details etc.

maybe I wasnt clear...im not mad at my mum (she would like his son to know about it to relieve her of the worry) Im mad at a 92 year old man whose too proud to admit he might be ill and wants everyone to still think hes a fighter pilot rather than an old sick man. its putting so much pressure on my mum.

I'm with Carrington on this one.

I would never forgive anyone for breaking a confidence.

You have to do what mum has asked.

>im not mad at my mum (she would like his son to know about it to relieve her of the worry)

Sam, do you think your mum was rather hoping you'd take the decision out of her hands, thereby saving her from breaking the promise? 

> she would like his son to know about it to relieve her of the worry

In that case i would be making a call then.. As DAB has said it does sound like maybe she is hoping you'd take it out of her hands on this occasion.
Unless father and son don't get on and don't have anything to do with each other, then you maybe looking at another aspect?

As someone who's job it is to phone next of kin to inform them about serious illness or death, I definitely would phone the son.
A heart attack at the age of 92, is not something to be taken lightely.
If it really is a diagnosed heart attack, another one might follow that might be more severe. Or not, you cannot know.
But if the father dies, I'm certain his son would be upset to say the least, for not having been given the chance to see his dad.

I'd expect the medical staff on board to inform his son anyway. Unless he's not informed them about him.
I wouldn't take lightely on breaking a promise to my mum, but I would have good reasons for doing so.
I sincerely hope everything goes well for both your mum and her partner.

Personally i'd want to know if it was my parent,

however do you know if they even get on?? and if your mums boyfriend is 92 then the son could quite possibly be in his 70's and not a well man himself and the dad is worrying about him, i supose there isn't really a black and white answer just go with your gut instinct.

Don't know if this is any help but just last week.
My brother in law ( hubby only brother ) was amitted to hospital on tuesday evening at 5 pm into intensive care.
Girlfriend phones us at 7 am next day to tell us she then ring to say need to see the doctor at the hospital at 9.30 am
hubby makes his was to hospital brother pass's away 10 minutes before he arrives .
Now had we been told the night he was amitted hubby would have got to see his only Brother before her passed away
now he lives with the guilt of not geting there in time.
And now we are left with all the funeral to deal with as girlfriend is not next of kin.

thanks everyone for all your advice. he does get on well with his sons, (both in late 40s)there are no issues there atall, and as a widower of 20 years they are his next of kin. The other son (th famous one!) lives in Milan and would drop everything to come and help....and I think that he just doesnt want to appear to be a nuisance to them. Ive decided that Ill wait until saturday. Im dammnd if Im going to lose 2 large weekend jobs just so his sons dont have to worry about him.......ill obviously drop everything to go and recover my mum if i have to, but would rather not lose 2 lucrative jobs just to appease his pride!

First thing the ship will arrange most things they are used to this happening, sounds like P&O yes.

(We had one have a fit and die in the jacuzzi last trip!!)

They will contact the next of kin, what would I do inform the son if, if, the gentleman should die ( Heaven forbid)  the son would blame Mum for not keeping him informed. When someone has had a major trauma thay may not be thinking straight!

The ship may well also arrange to transport the luggage home if she asks the purser, they would not dump an elderly lady off with luggage in an ambulance - calm Mum down, get her to ask for help and P&O or Cunard are very helpful, but me, I would let the son know if it was my Dad I would want to be there to help.

quick update! he rang his son himself (after saying no one was to do so!) from southampton hospital. where he was left today (and my mum stranded there with several weeks luggage and no one to turn to :(   ) Son flew in from milan and is staying in posh hotel....my mums sleeping in hospital hostel so im not amused! Now trying to get her into local hotel as she may be there a few days by look of it. thansk all who took time to make sugestions.

> quick update! he rang his son himself (after saying no one was to do so!) from southampton hospital.

All's well that ends well - apart from your mum, who I do hope gets better accommodation soon! I would guess the hospital leaned on him, they don't like to admit people without listing a next of kin, so he may have felt he needed to call just in case.