I work up to 70 hours a week to keep the house running,my husband works 38 hours a week,I am exusted have no life what so ever as some of you know my marrige is falling apart,I feel put on and bitter,I feel my husband should look for a week end job to relieve me of this pressure,he wont even listen to me or just walks away when ever I mention this,I am at my wits end .

Sheila

Having done exactly that for far too many years, and, like you, getting no response (he just wouldn't discuss it!)  I called it a day to be honest with you. 

To be fair a 38 hour weeks is quite long enough for anyone.

Can you not look at your finances and see where cut backs may be possible and cut your own hours to a more realistic level so that you are working to live and not just working, it may give you the opportunity to work on your relationship, as it sounds like your exhausted.

You may find your entitled to Tax credits or Community charge rebate if your income is low.

Do you have a spare room you could let to make up the difference in the reduction in wages if you cut your hours?

I'm in agreement with Brainless 38 hours is a normal week and long enough. The problem is you are not working a normal week 70 hours that is ridiculous I would be half way to my grave. I don't blame your husband for not wishing to half kill himself too. You have no life here but it is not your husbands fault at all, wishing him to do what your doing is unrealistic.

You are obviously working to live and pay the bills, no-one would do hours like that otherwise unless a work-a-holic, we get one life what you are doing is madness.

You have to find another way, if you cut your hours have a look at what tax credits, benefit help you could get instead, other jobs with better pay, courses to get better paid jobs, have you had a look perhaps at care work, the pay is not bad at all and all counties seem to be crying out for help, perhaps a career change, letting a room is a good option too as advised. Look for another way around this rather than feeling that your husband should do the same as yourself.

I'm sure it is very difficult, but the way your living right now is going to kill you off, it's not worth it.

Also Sheila,

Would downsizing be an option? Moving from a house to a flat or a smaller house? I've seen friends go down due to business failings, redundancies and the pure stubborness of trying to hold onto what they have rather than selling up and going for something smaller. Having a life is more important, being able to cope is more important. :-) A home is only a home if there is happiness there, stress,arguments, pressure and resentment do not make a happy home.

If life is too hard in trying to hold onto what you have, then you need to take a step backwards, which will hopefully then give you both the hope and freedom to build on your dreams again.

i have to agree with the others,try to look at your finances,its amazing where cut backs can be made.I gave up work after my second child was born,we do not have hardly any money,but the kids and dogs are fed and watered well,and we are warm in the winter,but most of all we are happy!!i look on sites and charity shops for clothes and bargains etc,we have to save up in a jar for Xmas and birthdays,but it does not matter.My partner works 40 hrs a week,i am starting college course,one morn a week after easter,so that when both my girls are in full time education,i can find a part time job.My mums uncle worked long hours like you all his life and he was so unhappy.He never felt like he earned enough,and would work and work and work.He used to use candles instead of turning the lights on etc.When he died in his run down filthy home,they found over a hundred thousand pounds hidden around his home,was it worth it.Also, my dad used to work 7 days a week,he did not need to,but he wanted to,sadly he lost out on having a family, my mum recently divorced him and remarried, i was brought up in a home with no love or happiness,my brothers and i are not close,and i dont see my dad.If only as a child he listened to me and my brothers and my mum when we used to beg him not to work so much and spend time with us instead.
it all catches up it the end
anyway,good luck my love with what you decide,
jo

I'm sory but nobody should be working 10 hours a day (averaging the time out).  It's no wonder your marriage is falling apart.  As others have said is there any way that you can cut things?  I live on my own, have a mortgage, four dogs etc. to look aftr. It kills me working 38 hours a week as it is and don't believe that anyone should work 70.

I in many ways can understand why your husband doesn't want to work anymore hours.  Maybe you are working hard so that you have  a life later on that is perfect with a lovely house, belongings etc. but that is a lot less important than your health, which I'm sorry won't stay good with that workload and will later in life not hav the chance to enjoy maybe due to illness.

Think you both need to sit down and talk and ask yourselves what you really want from life.  At the moment you don't seem to have a life.

I have to work so many hours as my husbands wage is small, I do work in care and my wage goes on all genaral living expenses ,we only have a small morgage I feel that all the responsibity of bills ect is down to me I dont overspend or go out and there is very little left at the end of the month,I even work my holidays for a agency,he will not discuss anything reguarding this matter,I dont want to work all these hours I am feeling ill,but I have no choice as no way would we be able to pay all the bills if I cut my hours, my husband had run up £10.000 on credit cards,this is with a dept repayment plan.

Sheila

I strongly recommend you seek counselling with money management specialists, as now way should you not be able to manage with tax credits etc on two normal wages both working normal full time.

With a small mortgage, even with repayments on the debt you should be able to live.

You can't go on like this.

I looked into tax credits however we were not eligible as our income came to just over,its the credit card depts that has been the problem,I spoke to a financial advisor and he reccomended IVA it is the stage before bankcrupcy. At the moment my husband has left and to be honest I feel this is probobly for the best I would up and go myself only for the dogs they come first and once I find somwere suitable for them I think I wiil take the money and run once the house is sold ,my dogs love this house they sit at the front gate all day long they are local celebreties,it breaks my heart to move them especialy my elderly one.Oh God what a mess

Sheila.

Have you looked on the martin lewis moneysaving expert site?  there is loads of advice on there about cutting costs, sorting yourself out financially and support for the emotional stuff too.  If you go for IVA then there are hundreds of people who have been there too who will let you know what is in store.

Thanks for that,will have look

Sheila

Is your husband looking for a job that pays more money? He needs to be actively looking if there is anything actively available. He is working 38 hours though Sheila whether the money is bad or good he's not a lazy slob working part time, he's doing a full days work, don't take the money situation out on him you need each other when things like this happen.

Would someone please jump in and correct me if wrong as I am going by what happened to friends so 3rd party info. :-)

Forget the loan consolidations and IVA they still take a whack of your money, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. What you can do is cut your hours to give yourself a life and reduce your income, there is no help for people who work and are above the breadline, (totally wrong but that is the way this country works) the more you work to hold your head up the less help you can get, write to the company your hubby owes the £10,000 to and any others you have debt with, show your out goings and incomings after your hours are down and let them take you to court if they wish often they don't and you can offer something between £1-£10 a month there is nothing they can do as long as you are paying something, they will happily accept it, just cut your wage and give yourself a life.  Make sure that you always pay your mortgate, rent and council tax but everything else you can offer as little as possible to make sure you can live. Ok you'll have bad credit history, but better that than an early grave.

Make an appointment with the CAB who will also advise you on minimal payments, you will also have your interest stopped on these payments the CAB can do this for you. Sure others have been through your situation and can offer lots of tips too.

CCCS are dealing with credit card debt,we are on top with morgage council tax ect but only because I work so many hours in a job I love thank goodness,I do feel angry and frustrated as he spent the money so he should get extra work not me,I will soon be 57 he is 47 and I do feel this makes a big differance.I will cut my hours down as I dont really have any choice as yes my health is suffering and he is a lazy slob around the house I dont expect him to do house work but he should at least maintain the property he has had it to easy I am a very fair person I would like to think .

Sheila

He works 7 hours a day off all weekend,christmas 2 weeks,easter 4 days,4 weeks during the summer,home at 3pm Fridays wish that was me,soon will be I hope

No-one should have to work any more than that, and when you are working more reasonable hours and able to find more reasonable workable solutions to the debt issue things will look brighter.

i know you say you are ok with your mortgage,could you speak to them and ask for a payment holiday,or ask can you go interest only for a while,it may be worth it as it would cut your monthly bills a bit etc.I really feel for you.I have never owned a credit card,been tempted a few times,but i was always scared of not paying it back
i really hope it all works out for you,i worked in care for a few years,but it is hard work,physically and mentally,70hrs is far too much,
jo

Thanks Joanne,yes as you say care is very hard,I work nights so my labs are not left on there own,oh well my husband has gone I am off now for two weeks from my main job,so just doing agency work with a gentleman whom I have looked after for a while,at least I can sleep in my bed for two weeks,things have been awful at home I have just been sorting my finances and I will be better off everyway with just me and the dogs,Thanks to all of you

Sheila

Really sorry that you are going through such a horrible situation :-(

If you now only have the one income coming in to your household you should have another look at the Tax credits situation again and housing benefit etc as a lower household income will now be taken into consideration when working out if you may be entitled to certain benefits.

Hi yes I have just looked at tax credits and done a caculation looks like I will be able to get it,

Sheilaxx

> Do you have a spare room you could let to make up the difference in the reduction in wages if you cut your hours?

I think this is a good idea.  I rent out both my spare rooms to help with the bills - even when I was working full time I needed the extra money to cope.  And if you keep the rent below a certain level (google 'rent a room scheme') you don't have to pay income tax on it.

Will certainly look into that as well.
thanks so much for you help.

Sheilaxx

Blimey it looks hopeless but some of the advice on here is good.
1. He is responsible for tyhe cc debt yes? is there no way finacially you could shift that cost away from you and the house? would it be worth £10K on a small mortgage addition to release the debt as interest costs are so small. Or change to an interest only mortgage? It would mean they could only then recoup the original loan from the house when you are ready to sell or decreased in which case you will not care?

I too when left (as a single Mum) let rooms to art students I had two small kids and we had such fun, they were only around term times, I had a built in babysitter (they werent babies but pre teens) and I did there washing which they loved. They moved on when they could get digs in Winchester but it payed for all our food until I could support myself and the boys? Plus all holidays I was free!

Care is poor money is there anything else you or he could do, a friend of my son's works for Tesco and gets 10% staff allowance of food ect thats a lot in a month!

I think as he run up the bill he should at least meet those repayments! its not your debt.

Re tax credits no ideas but thats covered.

I work 50+ a week and my OH about 70 thats normal for us as we own our own business, if you need more money working extra sometimes is the only alternative I have done 2 jobs for 25 years! thats what has paid for my son's and our holidays. I drop to 1 on 30/4 thats my 55th birthday gift to me now my boys are grown up.

So expecting him to do more than 38 hours is ok most of our lads on site do at least 42.5 and this week some did over 50+ and took home a grand. If you need money you work harder its not as if  its for years its to pay off his debt.

Anyway, best of luck and sort the git out. Believe me a house isnt worth much if 1, you cant be in long enough to enjoy it and 2. If your in your box, the mortgage is paid off and he gets it!!

Hi you have made me smile,because we have a debt managment plan,we can not have any further loans until six months after it has been repaid,which is in 5 years,thats the way it goes.My main job is poor pay but guaranteed income its in a nursing home,I also work for a agency which is nearly double the pay,but is regular,oh well he is going to have to get somthing sorted or I will definatly be off.

Sheilaxx

Sheila, could you get auxiliary work in a hospital on supply?  The money there is often better and because there is more potential places to work it is more likely that you would get the hours.

I think as he run up the bill he should at least meet those repayments! its not your debt.

Ditto Whistler.

I feel that all the responsibity of bills ect is down to me

No wonder you feel that you are needing to work all these hours to keep up with everything. If the loan and cards are in his name they are his responsibility. However when he gets his wage he still needs to pay half of all the household bills, mortgage, food etc, that way you also only need to make enough to pay for your half, then with what is left from his wage if anything that is what he offers these companies in payment. No wonder you are feeling hard done by. You have a partnership here, it is not your responsibility to pay for everything, he pays his half too, no matter what other personal bills he has, that way your not under pressure he is.

The payment plan that you have done I guess it is a secured loan in both names attached to your mortgage? If so if you can not pay the amount asked (once you stop your looooooong hours) tell the company you will need to reduce your payments, even if it goes to court if a judge can see you have always kept payments up until now he/she will rule for the amount you can afford without loss of your house, judges are becoming more and more lenient.

If you end up deciding to sell, don't be so worried about it, your dogs just love being with you no matter where that is, and you will and can make anywhere your home especially where there is no pressure or money worries.

If you took away the debt would you still be together or are you stuck because of the debt ?

> he spent the money so he should get extra work not me

Did you know about this money being spent ?  If not there seems to be a trust issue .

I realise that you are frustrated etc but i always think that life is too short to spend it miserably .  I hope you get an answer and some peace soon . XXX

Hi thank you all for understanding, consumer credit councelling service are a non profit making goverment service,and this is the best way forward, we could move to a smaller house and pay this off easily,however I resent having to move because of my husbands debt,also my mum gave me a lump sum to buy the house so we only have a small morgage and it really would be a last resort sell.

Sheila

> it really would be a last resort sell.
>

But if your marriage is really falling apart then you will have to sell anyway to split . If i were you i would be getting hold of and keeping safe any reciepts which show which of the debt is purely his - such as on his credit cards , as you do not want to be paying off his debts if you do end up splitting .

Some great advice on here from everyone and I really hope things work out for you. From reading the posts it sounds to me as if your husband is very selfish and is preying on your good/responsible nature and getting the good life of running up debts and letting you pay them.

If I could just speak from experience here - several years ago I was in a relationship with someone who had a fair bit of debt, I helped her clear it by sorting out her finances, renegotiating the loans etc. (didn't actually give her any ££). When I ended the relationship she was financially in the black and seemed to be doing ok but when I met her less than 6 months later she was £15,000 in debt! I am friends with her recent ex-partner and have been told that she is still massively in debt and was always trying to get her ex to take out loans, credit cards etc. In their 8 years together they never went on holiday, had nice days out, always argued about money and my friend now feels robbed of all those years. She just did not care that other people were affected by her debts and has absolutely nothing to show for them but will spend the rest of her life paying them off.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that he wont change so how do you see your life in 5 or 10 years? Stuck with your husband and his selfish debts, still working 70 hours a week and finally when you can't work anymore, nothing to show for it or on your own (or with a new partner!), working less hours and enjoying life for yourself.

I really hope things work out for you and that you can get all your tax credits, repayments sorted out. Best wishes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that he wont change so how do you see your life in 5 or 10 years? Stuck with your husband and his selfish debts,

Yes, I think this is a good point.

Although partnerships  often go above and beyond financial situations, it's very rare to find perfection, some people stay with spendthrift partners because they love being with them apart from the careless attitude to money, life is still good mentally and they can still be soul mates. I feel this is what Sheila needs to work out.

I've seen many of my friends marriages break up, many pushed to the brink but still holding onto each other.

Marriages/partnerships are on the rocks for many reasons, my very simple should I stay or should I go test that I throw out to friends is that if the major problem were solved (lets say Sheila won a £50,000 scratchcard so the debt was gone and finances were fine again) and Sheila and hubby went for a 2 week holiday, would she enjoy being with her partner still, is it just finances causing the rift that they can get beyond or is there nothing else there besides, does she still enjoy his company, can she still have a laugh with him, does he still make her feel whole? Is the love still there and just being tainted due to the problems or would she detest spending two weeks with her partner regardless?

If it's the latter then you have to say goodbye, if the person could still make you feel whole, then you fight on.

I do feel very resentful there is alot more to this situation,my mum passed away 3 years ago breast cancer I was with her all the way slept with her till the end and I gave her ultimate care,bless her,I got no support what so ever off my husband,in fact he had a day off work to take us to christies for her chemo she gave him £125 as he had a day off work and he took it ,so the writing was on the wall then.As for the house I have seeked legal advice, and it looks like if we did split I may be able to keep the house if I dont claim half his pension and give him the car,my age has gone for me as I am not that far off retirment age, have no family,and I have proof that the house was bought with my inheritence,also I dont have any personal provisions for a pension,he would off course have to agree.

Sheilax

in fact he had a day off work to take us to christies for her chemo she gave him £125 as he had a day off work and he took it ,

What must your poor mum have thought, to be honest it would have been cheaper for you to get a cab maybe even a limo. Maybe you should have been tougher and told him no way is he to take it, partners can only do what we allow them to get away with. I'd have given him a rollocking and made him give it back.  Doesn't sound like a person who really cares for anyone does he? He doesn't care that you work your fingers to the bone, he doesn't care that you are stressed or put himself out for anyone especially family, as someone who is very family orientated, we've all been brought up to give the coat off our backs to any family member in need, I find that abhorant, sorry but it's just awful to take money from your mum like that.

Reading between the lines, well not even between the lines your pretty much shouting it, I don't feel that you really like your partner do you? Are there any positives? Is it all just take with him? Does he really understand that you are getting to the point of leaving him, or does he just bury his head in the sand all the time? I always say to not give up on a partnership so easily but the more you write the more it feels hopeless.

Look after yourself no-one else is and more importantly stand up for yourself. :-) Glad you are getting proper legal advice.

I am so grateful that you understand and giving me my confidence back,without the support I have got from the nurses and carers at work and champdogs kind people I would of been in a worse state,I am feeling more positive now,and realise that he is a very sefish uncaring man.My dogs and my lovely elderly people are my most important thing.

Sheila.x

Keep going Sheila, there is a lot of good advice coming your way. You are going to get out of this, and he probably never will--that's not your responsibility unless you want it to be. My children's father was in the same mould but got a prison sentence in the end. Even his parents didn't want to know by then. We have been better off in every way ever since--and I say that after 8 years of paying off debts which came mostly through his refusal to work. Jobcentre Plus did more than I ever could to get him into work--he was on a course in a week and found work in a few months. So the split was good for him too.

It's ok to feel you've had enough--you've been brave enough to talk to people here and that's a big step forward. We do have a tendency to punish ourselves by feeling we brought all this on ourselves and don't deserve any better, even though we can't find the will or energy to go on.

Well done you--big hug.

I cannot give you any other advice than what has been given, be strong, plan well and get rid of him...harsh ? I'm sorry but you sound as though you would be loads better off without him.

Big hugs.

I can honestly say i am happier now than i was during 25 years of marriage , has to be said much poorer but you cut your cloth accordingly , one nervous break down alot of debt to pay off but a stronger person for it, its not easy to get through but you will, take all the advise and help you can get , make it your life and enjoy it!

Well things are really bad,been away for a few days and the final decission has been made we have hardly spoken to each other so yes my mind is made up.I feel ill and dont feel as though I can go to work does anybody know what will happen if the morgage is not paid even though the house will be going up for sale.

Sheila

best to pay it, as charges will go on top of the amount owing.  best to make an appointment and agree suspension of payments.

Above all else I would try to keep the mortgage up to date, you don't know how long it will take to sell the house and wouldn't want it to be repossessed before you could sell it.

I'm sorry this has happened, a sad time for you.
The mortgage - well the important thing is you must advise the mortgage company what has happened. They will be far more understanding if they know the score then if you just stop paying. They may even allow you a few months without paying.
Good luck.

Not only do I feel for you I am furious that your find yourself in this situation, without your partners debt would you be able to manage your mortgage and domestic expenses without having to work so very hard. What obligation do you have to service your husbands debt, is the house in your name only, if so I would work to pay for the mortgage and the food and let him deal with his own debt. I can't understand why you feel responsible for a debt that is not yours.

I am trying not to be simplistic but because you work in service you seem to have continued this into your private life, you are your husbands partner not his keeper, his servant, his bank or his Mother so you are not responsible for his poor management. Pay your mortgage if the house is in your name and for your share of the domestic costs and let him take on his own responsibilities.

Hi Sheila, so sorry to hear things are grim. Please get in touch with your building society, or ask someone to advocate for you (I don't know where you are, but there are community law centres and women's groups that can help). The risk is that otherwise all the lender will see is that the mortgage isn't being paid, and if they are not aware of the turmoil you are going through there's no reason for them to hold back on pressing you hard. It may be very different where you live, but the property market is generally still very flat  and it could take longer than you've got to sell your home unless you let it go to one of these property speculators who will see you as a "motivated seller" (!) and rob you.

I feel very bitter,the house was bought by the majority of my late muums money,my solicotor wrote to my husband and we offered to give him the car also I would not claim any of his pension my husband ripped the letter up this was six weeks ago, I have no provisions for a pension and the solicotor recons this could be to my benifit,my husband has just collected his belongings and was shouting at me saying he is going to have half the house,why should he inherit my mums money.

Sheila

It's clear your husband is worried that he might not get what he wants out of you--talk to your solicitor about what he is legally entitled to. If the majority of the money put into the household was yours and he's dossed about while you did all the work I would have thought that would be taken into serious consideration--this is why I say try to find a women's support group, they deal with this. Have a look at http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Stay strong and positive,let him shout what he likes,he might be in for a surprise,he will only get a settlement that the court considers fair,which is not necessarily fifty/fifty.Your mortgage company should understand your situation if you explain it to them straight away.All this will take a while to sort out,so meantime look after yourself and the dogs,.try not to be too bitter it might turn out better than you think,.I speak from personal experience,so know how you feel.This is the start of the rest of your life so look forward to it.I vowed Never Again after my divorce,but that was before I met my soul mate to who I was happily married for 23 years until his death,I have been following your story from your first post,it sounds like you will be so much better off without him.Best of Luck

Thanks for that.My solicitor tells me it is the Judges who decide,however he did say things may go my way,I do want things to be fair but my husband is being very nasty.

Sheila

Thank you all again,I am in tears ,I feel so hurt,

Sheila

please dont feel you are alone in this , you will get thru it , if you are not coping go to the doctors and have a chat , you may need some help during this difficult time , i know its hard to admit you need help but i was the same and took a while to realise it , depression and all that goes with it is awfull, so dont ignore it please
look forward not back
best wishes
xx

If it is not all ready you can switch your mortgage to interest payments only for the time being.   The bank will be happy as long as they get that. 

Yet not to default on the interest only to save your credit eating.  The debt in his name unless secured on your house won't affect your own credit rating.