Hi Everyone,
Wasn't sure how to title this post,and I'm not sure how to start,but i know I'm always guaranteed intelligent,straight forward replies here on CD.And i really need to get others point of view.So here goes....

My sister was visiting here on the weekend when her phone rang,all i could see was her turn white as a ghost and saying "are you positive,are you positive"?

It turns out it was her 18 year old daughter calling to say she had just caught my sisters boyfriend,who they live with,along with her other daughter aged 14, filming her through the bathroom window while she was in the shower!
The only reason she caught him was she forgot something from the sink and stepped back out of the shower to get it,only to see a video camera at the window.
This is obviously not the first time this has happened as he intermittently put the hand towel on the shower which blocked the view to the window,which annoyed everybody else,but he insisted it stayed there.. Not to mention,people rarely get busted the first time they do something wrong.

The ironic thing is,that they had split up a couple of times in the past and he begged her to come back relentlessly,he just wouldn't quit until she gave in.His big spiel was he missed the kids blah,blah,blah. My niece also just recently made him a card saying she loved him and that he was like a second father to her :(
My niece wants to press charges,although it's his word against her's,even though he admitted to it once questioned by my sister,but sis just wants to put it behind her,and all the cops can get him on is stalking,as she's over 18,just.
Even more ironic is when they split up last time,my sister bought a house,and when she got back together with him they all moved into his house,but she couldn't bring herself to sell her house so has kept up with the mortgage payments,aswell as helping to pay his for the last 12mths,which was extremely financially draining on her.On the very same day she contacted the agent to put it on the market was the same day this whole thing happened.Had she sold it she would never have been able to buy another house on her own and she would have been stuck!

Sooo what are your opinions on this,and how would you handle it?

PS They have been together for 10 years,and he was the the main reason she ended her marriage to the kids dad.And his excuse for filming her was simply that he was "curious".No other explanations.

I don't think that this should be ignored.  My main concern if I were your sister would be the 14 year old!  I would call in the Police without hesitation.

Sorry but i would be reporting this also. What is to say that he hasn't done this to the 14yr old? What about other children in other households? Do the girls have friends staying over?
Your sister needs to protect her own and the most important are her girls right now. Even if it doesn't go anywhere or the eldest girl doesn't want to assist, at least there is some record and you never know he may of done this before and your sister has no idea...Please get her to do the right thing, even if you call in on her behalf, it would get the Police around to her home..

As a mother I would listen very hard to what my daughter was saying, she was on the receiving end of this man's "curiosity" and she wants to press charges. That would make me sit up and take notice. The daughter clearly feels something is very wrong, as would most people. If your sister tries to put it all behind her it could be viewed as a betrayal of her daughter and collusion with her lover. I would also be very concerned about the 14 year old daughter.

To be honest this sounds like classic peeping tom behavior. Not desirable in a live in partner, particularly if you have young daughters- imagine the damage such an experience can do to the daughter and her trust in men, even more so if her mother tries to cover it all up.

Report him he needs a warning at the very least this type of behaviour is not "Normal".

Meant to say it is not her word against his, not if any of the evidence is still there. I'd be looking at the contents of his camera/s and his computer.

This has to be reported as who knows where it could lead, if it's not he will think he has got away with it and he will continue and maybe do worse.

Although a schoolboy may have curiosity about how a woman looks, a grown man is fully aware so his motives are much more sinister.  He has been raising these girls as daughters, what Father is curious about how his daughters look naked? Yuk!

No doubt your sister is in shock but she has to do the right thing for her daughters, for all she knows this could have been going on for years.  He needs stopping and the girls need to feel that he is being properly stopped and that means the police. 

It will be painfull to make the complaint but together they will support each other and get over it, keeping his dirty secret will drive them apart and the pain of it will remain.

This is my story to give your sister food for thought if she wants to maintain a good relationship with her daughter she'd best sit up and take notice.

At 17 I was sexually assaulted in work by a known paedo, he'd done 3 yrs for abusing a 3 yr old!  As I was on work experience in my mothers place of work they called her, it was decided without my consent, agreement or knowledge that the police would not be involved.  I am now 49 have virtually no relationship with my mother, have NEVER spoken a word to my father for the simple reason it would achieve nothing but pain for him, indeed destroy their marriage and confirm my position as the family outcast!  For my mother saving face with her employers and keeping it from my father was more important than me or my future and of course he could continue his abusive behaviour free in the knowledge no one was going to stop him.

I was then sexually assaulted age 43, I called the police, pressed charges against a man my father had been to school with, the village he still lives in knows my family name well - mother was disgusted with me Until I reminded her of that day in 1977 and her actions/words as well as the fact I'd kept my mouth shut but didn't have to continue doing so!

Hey Eden

Sorry you and your family are going through this.  First and foremost, charges MUST be pressed.  This is a dangerous dangerous man, a predator.  Once a predator always a predator.  If your sister does nothing then this could alienate her from her daughters.  This guy is evidently a predator and can play on people's emotions (evidenced after every split).  Please please please contact the Police and push for charges or at the very least an investigation, put this guy through the mill!

Lots of good advice on here so far.

I would be concerned, how long has this been going on and has he done the same with the 14year old.

If he has been with your sister for 10 years, your neice would have been an 8year old child who would have been growing up to respect an older man, so she must be in some state of shock and perhaps you need to give her more support as your sister may be too close.

Sorry for you, but you have to speak to proper authorities. Sorry for your sister too.

Karen

this man is clearely dangerous and should be held accountable for his actions.
your sister needs to get courage to speak up now. god only knows what else this man has done in the past. it doesnt bear thinking about.

I'd certainly report this to the police, so they could take his camera, pc etc and look for anything untoward on them. This is extremely worrying behaviour for someone who was taking a parental role. I'd be concerned what else he was up to :-(

How aful for your friend & her daughters :( She really does need to report this.

> My niece wants to press charges,although it's his word against her's,even though he admitted to it once questioned by my sister,but sis just wants to put it behind her,and all the cops can get him on is stalking,as she's over 18,just.

The police may get him on more if he's also filmed the 14 year old and who knows what else is on his computer.

I know it can't be easy but there is no choice here. In my opinion your sister should support her daughter and go to the police immediately, move out with her children to her own house and change the locks if he has keys.

If your sister refuses, your neice is old enough to go to the police herself but I think you should offer your support.

I'm with many others I would be calling the police, I would also be asking them to check for any video tapes with any of the family members on it, who knows what he has been doing with them, often these things are not just for him alone, he may have been forwarding the tapes onto perverts, the police need to check his computer and the home for your nieces sake ask them to do this. 

I can understand to a point that your sister and your nieces wish to just put it all behind them and thank themselves lucky they found out who and what he is, but the police need to be aware, if they can't take things much further then that is out of everyones hands but don't do what many do and do nothing, for goodness sake do something.

Good luck, I feel so sorry for your sister how horrible for her to find something like that out. So pleased she kept her house, just tell her thank goodness her daughters have not been abused any further by him, she will need lots of support her trust in her judgement has just taken a real bashing that is very difficult to get over she may need a counsellor to help build up her self esteem again, let her talk and cry as much as she needs.

I would be calling the police.  This needs to be reported, investigated, and something done.  I am so sorry your family is going through this. 

Schip,

Thank you so much for sharing, your post is very important in how covering things up just doesn't work in the end.

I'm very sorry that your mother took those decisions, things like that can never be brushed under the carpet, it always amazes me how others think that abused victims can just forget it because it is for the best, do they really not understand it is always in the mind, it can never be forgotten, just worked around, often closure being the best way and if closure can not be found either by reporting it or having counselling then it just grows and grows and destroys that person one way or another. Why do some people not realise that?

I'm so pleased you found a way to move on from two terrible times in your life. :-)

By not reporting this man to the police, the message He will be given is that it's OK to carry on!!   Only by reporting him to the police will these girls be protected from him :(

Like others here I can't help thinking what else he's been about with two young girls in the house - is this why he missed them so much?? :(

Absolutely no doubt in my mind, I'd report him. Suppose by not reporting him, he thinks he can escape every time and he takes his actions further and asaults a young girl?

Like has been said report him there maybe other things on his computer and it may have been going on for some time.  Its a scary thought this man really abused his position of trust he may have even been attracted to your sister because of her children.

> My niece wants to press charges,although it's his word against her's,even though he admitted to it once questioned by my sister,but sis just wants to put it behind her,

If your sister refuses to see sense and ensure that this is reported, she is as guilty of neglect (of daughters safety), as my own mother was.

> My niece wants to press charges,although it's his word against her's,even though he admitted to it once questioned by my sister,but sis just wants to put it behind her,and all the cops can get him on is stalking,as she's over 18,just.

If your niece wishes to take this further then she should be given every support to do so.  Your sister may wish to put this behind her but it would be wrong to neglect the needs of her daughter and potentially damaging to both of them,  to say nothing of the risk to her younger daughter.

In the meantime where is this man living, presumably not still at home?

Call the police asap

Thinking back to an earlier post, I wonder if this is why the younger daughter didn't want them to get back together? It's all ringing alarm bells with me :-(

What you have posted on here is what you know and possibly only what your niece knows at this time, along with your sister.
THIS DOES need to be reported before he can get rid of the evidence. He may of been caught taking photos, now where are these photos? You just don't know how long this has been going on for and what he has been doing with the photos.
There are offences in taking indecent images of people without their consent, also he may of done worse and shown other people in all manner of different ways - the internet being the worst culprit. This would be taken very seriously and looked into. The sooner this gets reported the better and the more evidence you could possibly have against this man. Also i know its hear say but he's admitted to doing this to your sister, she can also give this as evidence as it helps.
By allowing this to be brushed under the carpet, 1: Its not going to put this to rest, who knows what he's done in the past and what he could do in the future to anyone. 2: What is your niece going to think of her mother by not supporting her, will she think her mother is taking sides, or does the mother actually believe her could spring up.

Eden i ask that you speak to your sister and get her to attend the local station or have the Police go round to hers or yours and speak out about this.
As someone said he could be/or is a 'potential' predator or he could of done this the once which could be enough to put him off doing it again by being investigated..

Thinking back to an earlier post, I wonder if this is why the younger daughter didn't want them to get back together? It's all ringing alarm bells with me

Yes I was thinking the same thing. I also wonder why the police haven't been called straight away really

>I also wonder why the police haven't been called straight away really

Probably because people find it very hard to think such awful things about someone they are in love with/have lived with for years.

Hi Ktee,

My absolute sympathy for you and your sister, I have to say based not just on this post but the posts you have made before about your sister and this man (under your old username) that the police must be informed!
    I remember you posting about how the younger daughter had been 'acting up' when your Sister and her BF split up that time and were due to get back together.... at the time we thought this was a clingy young girl wanting her Mum to herself.
   I have to say in the light of what has happened now.... you may have to consider the possibility that the reason the young girl had such a violent reaction to the return of the Boyfriend may have been rooted in far more worrying and serious cause.
  Tread carefully here, some gentle and professional questioning is definitely needed here. You have been a great support for your family thus far I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and your sister.
  So very best wishes to you and sincerely hope that all will work out ok for your Sis and her girls x

Yes this needs reporting and careful support for all concerned.

I haven't read any of the other responses yet but as there is a 14 year old living in the house there is more that he can be done with or investigated for than stalking.  If you want a more appropriate response from the police contact your local family protection unit rather than the beat bobbies as they are specifically trained in this area.  Even though he has been caught by your 18 year old it is likely he has also filmed the 14 year old.

As they are living in his house he may have cameras hidden elsewhere too.  That voyeuristic behaviour is totally unacceptable and has violated your neice.  Please call or ask your sister to call her local FPU who will give advice and will hopefully investigate.  I am so sorry to hear this has happened your sister must be feeling awful at the moment (((hugs)))

Just to add my small bit here..
My step father started with peeping (he didn't take photo's but it is basically the same behaviour)...when I turned 14. Things only got worse from there once he KNEW I KNEW he was peeping. Threats, bribes and more to keep me quiet. I eventually told my sister and she reported it to the police as he was doing the same to her. My mom took his side and stayed with my step father....she tried to get us to drop the charges but thankfully the social workers and the police wouldn't let it drop. I have since a very poor relationship with my mother and as little as possible with my step-father.....(who by the way has an involvement with kids still)
At the end of the day the girls need support and much help especially if the 14 year old is showing symptoms that something more serious has gone on.  Don't let your sister make light of this because if she does it could ruin her relationship with the girls and also could affect the girls for a Very Long time...

I have nieces of similar ages living with a step father,,,I would be fully behind my nieces they would be my main concern...there is very good advise given here. I wish your family the strength to support each other and to deal with this situation

Thank you all so much for your advice,kind words and support :)

Well I'm very  happy to say that my niece reported it to the police!

I found out the reason my sister wanted to keep it on the down low was because he owes her a ton of money,she was going to tell all and sundry including his family and friends after he payed her which is supposed to be tomorrow.
The cops said they are going around today,will be taking him back to the station and searching his house and seizing his pc etc.
My sister moved the last of her stuff out yesterday,the kids have been staying with their dad since the incident,and she noticed a memory card sitting next to his laptop,when she questioned him about it he quickly picked it up and walked out saying he chucked it in the bin.Of course when she checked the bin it wasn't there! So God knows what is on that thing,hopefully the police find it.

She is just shattered,one minute they are planning their life together and talking marriage and the next he does this.She just feels utter contempt and hatred for him now.
I don't think i mentioned that he doesn't have any kids of his own and this was always a sticking point in their relationship as she didnt want any more kids.8ths ago she gave in and eventually fell pregnant but suffered a miscarriage.I cant help thinking she has a guardian angel watching over her.Imagine if this happened while she was about to give birth and had sold her house!! She says she would have done herself in,she was having this baby for him.

I will let you know what happens with the police and if they found anything.He knows nothing about them coming..

(((hugs))) for you and your family.  It's going to be tough while the Police try and gather evidence against him.  I am praying that he is arrogant and will think he'll get away with it - so that he won't get rid of everything!  Lets hope your sister's guardian angel guides the Police to that memory card.

I'm so sorry to read about this awful occurrence. Is there any update on it at all?

Lindsay
x