Need some help with this please,  OH's  Dad died last week and the funerals coming up,  problem is Im not keen on letting my 11 year old Autistic son who is quite young for his age go to the whole thing ,
Even though he says he wants to go I don't think he even really understands what's going on,
At the church their will be an open coffin and people will be going up to it to view the body  I don't like these kind of funerals I have attended them before and I never view the body I prefer to remember someone how they were before they passed and not what they looked like in their coffin,
OH of course what's son to be their I totally understand that but cant help having doubts  I was brought up different and never attended any funerals as a child it just weren't a place to take a child OH on the other hand  was brought up very different and funerals are a BIG family event to them ,

I would be grateful for some of you wise CD'ers advice on this and what age do you think it appropriate
To let children attend  and view the body,
Maybe its just me and the way I was raised but I cant help how I feel on this matter,
And of course I wont stand in the way  of him going but  cant help feeling uneasy about it,

I wouldn't let a kid go to a funeral that is open casket, not for a first time anyway.

When my dad died (kids 12, 10 and 8), we went to the private family service (closed casket) and played in the crem/cemetery grounds for the actual funeral (cremation service).  It was a very raw and highly emotional event for the adults, plus my mum wanted to grieve without having to worry about us for a wee while.

First of all sorry for your loss. 

This is a very difficult area not helped by the open coffin.  My children went to my step fathers funeral earlier this year (he was their granddad in everyway except biologically if you see what I mean) the youngest was 13.  Generally I would encourage children to go as funerals help provide closure for children as well as adults, and I think it is a good thing for children to experiance this sort of thing. 

I would be a little more careful with an open coffin and younger children but I think I would take an 11 year old.  Having said that I don't have any experiance of an autistic child and only you know how he is likely to react.

re your comment on remembering people before they died, when my brother was killed in an accident I had to identify the body and actually it helped me come to accept what had happened.  When I think about him it is not as he was after he died (unless of course I'm thinking about him in this sort of context).

Thanks for that  GCGirl I know a lot of my fears is just me I just don't like the thought of children at funerals even though other family members will have very young children their,
my first funeral was my Dads I was 25 my first son was 7 years old and I never took him with me to the crematorium I felt he was to young ,
I know my 11 year old wants to go and he knows a funeral is where someone gets buried he is they sort of child that will be questioning everything that goes on  and some of his questions may well be inappropriate and he is not a quiet boy I am afraid he would say something untoward (out of the mouth of babes as such)
But he's a big lad and and you wouldn't think he had any disabilities I do worry he may offend someone  who does not understand his disability ,
Also am worried at what effect it will have on him he is very worried about dying himself  at times and will ask if he can get cancer and things like that just from overhearing a conversation  with a friend who's just been diagnosed  with breast cancer  ended up with son in floods of tears and him fretting about cancer,
He really does not miss a trick my son and takes everything in therefore a lot of explaining has to be done to him to make him understand something's and even then its difficult  for him to grasp certain things,  its like a never ending  real of questions from him most of the time and theirs never the right answer for him ,
I am dreading the day I really am ,

I was 7 when my brother died and didn't really mind seeing him there.  Unfortunately there was something about my grandmothers face that has put me off ever since, she looked as though something had happened to really upset her (which we have an inkling as to what it was) and I never want to see someones body again, it has haunted me ever since. 

I know my 11 year old wants to go and he knows a funeral is where someone gets buried he is they sort of child that will be questioning everything that goes on  and some of his questions may well be inappropriate and he is not a quiet boy I am afraid he would say something untoward (out of the mouth of babes as such)
But he's a big lad and and you wouldn't think he had any disabilities I do worry he may offend someone  who does not understand his disability

I personally would be less worried about this sort of thing, to be honest an inappropriate remark from a child can often help release a bit of the tension at this sort of occaision.  The other thing to take into account here is that this is his granddads funeral, he is a close relative and he has as much right to be there as anyone else, probably more than a number of others there. I assume most of the family know of his disability and would not take offence. 

My main concerns would be the effect on him and personally I would decide based on that.

My grandfather died when I was 7 and my parents didn't involve me at all, I suppose they were too upset, they didn't even tell me, I found out when I was sent to the shop for potatoes and they were talking about it there and asked me if it was true! :(  It left me feeling like I just didn't belong in the family (brother and sisters were too young to notice )  I still feel like an outsider.  

Because of this my own children have both been involved at family funerals even though others thought they were far too young.  Both behaved and coped very well.   DD was three years old at my Gran's funeral and behaved impeccably, despite me thinking that she was going to be her usual noisy, bolshy self, she even managed to sit for the service - for the first time in her life.  Afterwards everyone agreed I'd done the right thing :)

In our case preparation was the key, we tried to explain what had happened and what was going to happen and answer all their questions honestly and in a way that they could understand.

Only you can know how your son might react and what is best for you and him ;)

When i was around the same age as your son one of my grandparents passed away, i don't think at that time i was allowed to go to it and it was a closed casket, i don't feel like i missed out as the following grandparents i had the decision and said i didn't want to go. I ended up going to my grandmothers funeral when i was in my late teens and it was horrible, really don't like funerals and i would love to avoid them if i can. The best one if you can call it that i have been to was a cremation, that i found a lot easier to deal with than a burial.

I would weigh up the pro's and con's for allowing your son to go and really think how this may effect him, but with an open casket i'm not so sure that would be wise for a young child with or without a learning disability. But his feelings and wellbeing are the most important at the end of the day, i appreciate that your OH wants him there but if its likely to really upset your son i would not allow him to go and maybe attend the wake afterwards if that is more appropriate.

My opinion is talk it through with him,if he wants to go then fine allow your OH to have his wishes on the way to go,I do think with a real good talk before with them both is key.
For you it is probably harder if you haven't done this kind of thing before. Dont be afraid of the open casket, it is possible to avert your eyes if you feel you have to and if you dont want to walk past it at all you dont have to, not everbody can do it.
Karen :)

In the normal course of events I would be with your husband on this as that is the culture I have been brought up in (Polish Catholic), and funerals are very much part of life and not something to be hidden away from, and Open caskets the norm.

With your sons disability I would be looking at taking expert advice as to the likely effect, rather than your own feelings regarding funerals and death.

Each person's opinion is going to be given on what is "the norm" for them.  Like you I was brought up in a family that didn't encourage children at funerals.  And open casket would be a definite no.  I was about 16 when I went to Gran's, and I had lost a Grandad on the other side of the family much earlier, and wasn't even asked if I wanted to be there.  With hindsight I have to say that I'm glad about that.

Now, as an adult, and having lost my Dad a few Christmases ago, as the eldest of two daughters, the arrangements were left to me.  When we had the opportunity to see Dad at the funeral parlour, I just couldn't face it.  My sister, who is petrified of death, went in to see him.  She looked in total shock when she came out, and said "it didn't look like my Dad".

I have no regrets at all about my own decision, and you have to do what is right for you and your boy.  I wish you the strength to make a decision that is right for you.  Good Luck  :-)

I too was brought up in a family where children didin't normally go to funerals. I was 10 when my grandfather died and was told after the event. I had no problem with that because that was how things were then ie mum and dad made descions for us as we were the kids.  Having said all that my 11 year old nephew and 4 year old niece were at my Dads service last October. My nephew would have been more upset to be at home. He is a little boy that is very bright and wants to know every detail about things and persists until he understands and is told. and my sister felt him coming was best he also wanted to be there .my niece  probably didn't understand much but we felt in later years she would know she not left out, we did however have a more distant relative to look after her and take her or my nephew out if it was needed It wasn't and I think it helped some people to have a little distraction
I think you know your lad and how his autism affects him it may indeed help him understand more and answer questions rather than build fears and perhaps an adult who could take him outside if he/you needed it would be helpful. I would sit down and talk to him and your oh, i guess there are no rights or wrongs it is very personal.  

Just another thoughtmaybe if you were more comfortable he could meet you after if there is going to be a gathering of some sort , that may be best for you and you can deal with your own emotions separatly to him.

You know your son best, your the only one that can answer this. To be honest, thinking of my friends autistic son he can go one of two ways, he will either constantly ask questions of everyone in sight and want every detail over and over connecting the dots and making sense of things or tend to not show much emotion at the time, taking everything in his stride, but days/weeks later he will suddenly talk about it all in great detail and only then will the real effect come out. Due to this, I personally wouldn't take my friends son if he were 11 (now 18 I would) as I wouldn't be able to gage the effect until much later, that would be my personal preference.

But your son has asked to go, he may well wish to understand in his own mind what dead is, what it looks like, how it feels, so it is not just a decision you can make beforehand much more difficult now he has asked. I've always been of the mind if a child wishes to do something like this they should be allowed to. It is hard to know, not just with an autistic child but any child whether an open coffin will bring a feeling of peace and understanding with regards to death (which it generally does) or give nightmares and cause for worries or stress to him later on................ if he has asked to go and if you have explained what to expect there and the feelings of seeing his grandfather sleeping in the coffin he may need to connect all the dots for himself to understand death and so maybe he needs to go.

It is a very difficult one. But I wouldn't worry in the slightest about him asking an awkward question at the funeral, my only worry would be if he 'closed into himself' and became stressed.

Funerals can be pretty boring for children too, which is another reason why we often don't take them, infact to be honest I think that is probably the main reason we don't take them. :-) Children often cope better with death than we do, but they then just get on with it, whereas adults need to continue to show respect at a funeral, talk about the person who has died and reminisce, a little hard with a child in tow, they need our attention and a way to keep them occupied and respectful at the same time, which can be quite a difficult task,  so also think about how you will occupy him during that time, is he likely to just sit down quietly or have the need to do something, (maybe you could take a hand held console or something, if he's interested, if he goes) your the only one who will know how he is likely to react in this kind of atmosphere of quiet and quite a sombre environment, will he cope well or not with that? Can he focus or will he become distracted?

Personally I would think he may find much of it very boring and want to leave, but I don't know your son I may be completely wrong, I think if he were my son, I would just have him at the graveside to say goodbye and then have him taken home.

Whatever you decide may the funeral go off well and my condolences.

> I know my 11 year old wants to go and he knows a funeral is where someone gets buried he is they sort of child that will be questioning everything that goes on  and some of his questions may well be inappropriate and he is not a quiet boy I am afraid he would say something untoward (out of the mouth of babes as such)
> But he's a big lad and and you wouldn't think he had any disabilities I do worry he may offend someone  who does not understand his disability
>
> I personally would be less worried about this sort of thing, to be honest an inappropriate remark from a child can often help release a bit of the tension at this sort of occaision.  The other thing to take into account here is that this is his granddads funeral, he is a close relative and he has as much right to be there as anyone else, probably more than a number of others there. I assume most of the family know of his disability and would not take offence. 
>
> My main concerns would be the effect on him and personally I would decide based on that.

Hi chelzaegirl
I just wanted to say that I agree with what shadbolts has saidand also add that I was 11 when my favourite Grandma died and I went to her funeral. I wanted to say goodbye and although I was devastated and crying most of the time I am glad I went as it helped me come to terms with her death.However because I was so upset at the funeral, when my Grandad died a few years later I didnt think I would cope with another close family members funeral ,so chose not to go.I have regreted my decision ever since. I dont feel I got to say a proper goodbye as I was away on holiday at the time he died.
My point to this is if your son is denied making the decision for himself , he may end up feeling like I do about my Grandads funeral.
I am very sorry also for your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad difficult time
Big hugs xx

>Funerals can be pretty boring for children too, which is another reason why we often don't take them, infact to be honest I think that is probably the main reason we don't take them.

Carrington, I'm not sure I agree with this I suspect it's an excuse used by adults because they don't feel that children should be there.  People seem to feel that they should protect children from the realities of life (and death).  I'm not sure this is a good thing, children are very resilient and perhaps it's better to expose them to this sort of thing while they are young so they are better able to cope when older.  One of the reasons often given for children having pets is that they don't have long lives so one of the benefits of pets is exposing children to the reality of life and death

Yes but I don't believe it's fair on a child to see their parents/family in hysterics, as sometimes happens.  Your parents, yes you learn as you get older that they are only human, but as a child you need them to be indestructable and strong.

Does this happen that often?  I've never been to a funeral where people have been in hysterics, people crying and upset yes but not hysterics.  I don't think it's a bad thing for a child to see a parent upset, for one thing it shows them that their own feelings are not wrong and that the adults around them have the same feelings.

> I don't think it's a bad thing for a child to see a parent upset, for one thing it shows them that their own feelings are not wrong and that the adults around them have the same feelings.

Quite agree, but then I don't come from the 'British stiff upper lip culture' but am one of those emotional europeans ;)

I think as he has asked to go, you should take him - though first explain what may happen in detail and then you can answer any questions he has (not that he wont ask them again later but it might help to de-mystify things for him).

I can VERY vividly remember not going to a funeral of someone I knew quite well as a small child, my 'Uncle Gwyn'.. i was 6 or 7 at the time and was shipped off elsewhere whilst grown ups went to the funeral, and wasnt told what the party afterwards was for either (proper boozy loud music party after!)... when I did find out I was very angry and felt decieved, and cheated that I had been lied to and not been allowed to say goodbye.

Im nearly 30 now and even though logically I can see so many good reasons for not telling a small child the truth there, nor taking them to the funeral... it still angers me!

So I think you have to carefully consider the implications of NOT taking him, just as much as those surrounding taking him - kids dont like being fobbed off or told they are 'too young' when they are old enough to ask to go to such things.

It can also leave them feeling that their relationship with the person who has died wasnt important or 'real' enough for them to be granted the chance to say good bye. Feeling excluded from what is a 'group' thing is a big thing for anyone of any age.

A really diffecult one. I did not take my son's to funnerals until they were in their late teens but some of that was due to no one actually dying! They went to their grandmothers both and thats about it.
I too believe it is better to remember someone as they were. But I admit I had a fear of seeing someone dead, when Mum died I was there and I had been nursing her it was not at all as i imagined, it often isnt.

Open coffin I would not like this at all, but if your son wants to go, let him, or like me you may foster an irrational fear. As another writer says you can avert your eyes, I think I would. It would give your OH comfort for you both to be there and thats what it is all about. You cannot shelter your children from life in the "raw" I wish you (we) could.

My younger brother dying age 19 no one saw him dead apart from my Dad who picked him up off the road, it resulted in him and Mum not being intimite again for about 20 years!! it effected Dad that much. My brother & I are glad we have our memories to see him dead would have been too painful for us.

I think I would let him go but if he gets upset remove him from the church asap, I have a friend whoes son was autistic and he could often be a lot more pragnatic than my own children about life and death, it happens and we forarm our children by cutting some of the mystic away from death.

I wish you luck in your decision.

I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to this. When my OH's grandfather died and also a couple of years later, his mother, we took my son to the funeral, but not my daughter. We considered the individual child at that time. If we got it wrong, then it was because we cared for our daughter. She's 23 now and has never expressed any regret about not going. If she does in the future, hopefully she will understand that we did what we thought was right :) I didn't go to any family funerals until I was 16 - but I don't blame my parents :) Being a parent isn't always easy :)

Daisy

my friends autistic son he can go one of two ways, he will either constantly ask questions of everyone in sight and want every detail over and over connecting the dots and making sense of things or tend to not show much emotion at the time, taking everything in his stride, but days/weeks later he will suddenly talk about it all in great detail and only then will the real effect come out.

Carrington  your spot on with this thats exact same as my son,

BIG thanks to all of you for your thoughts on this matter and for all your condolences,
i will take my son to the church as he really wants to go but think i will have to talk to him about viewing his Grandad in his coffin i myself dont want to see the man this way and will be leaving the chruch without going over to see him i know my sister inlaw will be doing the same , i will have to see how my son is on the day as to weather i take him to the graveside but i will be talking to him about it all later as we are making apple pie tonight so maybe a good time to discuse it with him then,
Thanks again to you all you have been a great help xxx

It is very difficult but it sounds like you have come to good compromise,often our feelings change on the day. At my Dads service itwas not an open coffin but I was unable to even look towards it whereas my sister and my 16 year old daughter went over to be with him dont beat yourself up for how you feel either while you are trying to do the best for your son, you must think of yourself too

i'm very sorry for your loss.

personally i feel kids should get to go to funerals if they want to, death isn't something that should be mysterious and scary, its simply, though painfully, part of life.

On the other hand i have never attended an open casket funeral and think it would be creepy for me so not sure how a kid would react.

at the end of the day you know your son best, sit and talk it through to make sure he fully understands, he maybe gets it more than you think- have you lost one of your pets before? if so he really may get it.

i hope that everything goes ok.

Could I just say generally....that to see the body of a loved one who has been ill or is quite old can be therapeutic, as often the pain  and suffering they may have endured is gone and you see a younger more relaxed person and it helps, also sometimes it can confirm to you they have gone and I believe it helps with the grief.
Although I went to see my mum.......I didn't want to see my dad,  I felt guilt for a long time as he always used to fear being buried alive and he would say...make sure I'm gone if you bury me! He had been a Sub-mariner and I think it was to do with that somehow.

Good luck Chelseagirl....it's hard.....

Karen

re seeing the body I agree completlely with poloaussie it can be a good experience as they often look a lot more peaceful, and for me when my brother died it did confirm that he was gone and I believe helped me.  A couple of people have said that they wouldn't like to see a dead body because they are afraid in some way, I'm not sure this is a good thing perhaps we should expose ourselves to it (or be exposed to it), death is an integral part of life and I think we need to accept that.

Chelseagirl, hope the day goes well and that it's not too difficult for you, all you can do is help your son get through it and personally I wouldn't worry about other people.

That sounds like me I would run a mile before I saw someone dead. When Mum died I was there nursing her and it wasnt scarey or horrible it was peaceful and finally she had a rest from the pain.

My brother was too badly damaged to see, I could not have born that. But yes it is a part of life, what I do think is that with an open coffin you dont get much of a chance to avoid seeing someone dead, usually you do get the choice to visit the chapel of rest ect... Im really not sure what I was scared of, must be too much watching horror movies, but my sons took death in their stride really much better than I did.

Whatever the decsion - good luck.

> i will be talking to him about it all later as we are making apple pie tonight so maybe a good time to discuse it with him then,
>

Hope the talk went ok for you both.

Thinking of you both.  {{{  HUGS  }}}

Im really not sure what I was scared of, must be too much watching horror movies,

:-D :-D I agree, being a horror movie buff myself, not something I would ever have thought I could do myself. :-D

However, when one of my husbands distant relatives died who was being cremated we didn't realise at the time he was in a private room in an open coffin for viewings first, we went in to pay our respects to find the coffin open and there he was laid out just like a porceline doll, he looked very peaceful and it wasn't scary at all, it really did have the opposite effect funnily enough.

But even so, although there was a feeling of peace for myself and others, it kind of felt like I was encroaching on someones death and I shouldn't have really been looking at him. I felt his death was being distrubed.  I really don't think I would like people coming up kissing me and looking at me whilst I was dead, somehow it just doesn't feel right, I feel the dead should be left in peace and open coffins just don't give me that feeling at all, just my own opinion, but I don't like them at all.